Buddhist Boot Camp (9 page)
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Authors: Timber Hawkeye
When I first confronted my mother about being abusive, her response was, “Where? Show me a bruise!” It’s strange how she never hit us to the point of leaving a visible mark, but the scars ran deep, and the abuse wasn’t always physical. I was thirteen at the time, mind you, and couldn’t articulate how scared I was of my own parents.
It wasn’t until I saw a poster at the supermarket that advertised a local help-line for abused children that I even knew it was illegal for parents to beat their kids.
A couple of decades later, I heard the song “Versions of Violence” by Alanis Morissette, and it made me realize how I too was being violent as an adult without even knowing it.
The song gave me an opportunity to self-reflect and grow, which I’m deeply grateful for. Unsolicited advice, coercing, controlling, labeling, judging, and meddling are just a few versions of violence that deeply affect us. “These versions of violence,” Morissette writes, “sometimes subtle, sometimes clear. And the ones that go unnoticed, still leave their mark once disappeared.”
Everything in your life will improve as soon as your determination to move forward is stronger than your reluctance to let go of the past. —Timber Hawkeye
When I was growing up I used to cry in my room and try to think of ways to either kill myself or the people I blamed for my misery to make it stop.
I ended up doing what I later discovered is the Buddhist approach to alleviating suffering: I didn’t get rid of my mother, for example; I got rid of my emotional attachment to her. There is a cause for our suffering, and there is a way out.
It turns out that I hated her because she never met my expectations of how I thought a mother “should” be. But as soon as I took away those expectations, I finally saw her as my greatest teacher, not enemy, and accepted the fact that she did the best she could.
Although she didn’t model behavior that I wanted to mimic when I grew up, she perfectly demonstrated what I DIDN’T want to ever become, and that’s an equally important lesson.
What I learned is that nobody is in charge of your happiness (or unhappiness) except YOU!
When somebody loves you, they don’t have to say it. You can tell by the way they treat you. —Anonymous
Once upon a time, on a cold winter morning, I rolled out of bed after not being able to sleep all night. The neighbors had been arguing and slamming doors, thunder and lightning kept waking me up, and I couldn’t get comfortable in any position. I got up cranky and frustrated, and my day was just beginning.
The real kicker? Two months earlier a friend had suggested that I try meditating every morning! To tell you the truth, I absolutely hated it. I mean, for years I’d kept the same routine of coffee, news, breakfast, and going online to check my e-mail. Now, before doing anything else, I had to sit for a few minutes and focus on my breath? Most times I just ended up thinking about all the other things I’d rather be doing (or simply wishing I was still in bed).
As you can imagine, sitting down to meditate was extremely difficult after a sleepless night, but a promise is a promise.
I got out of bed, went to the little corner in my apartment that I had set up for meditation, and sat with my bitter thoughts about everything that had kept me up at night.
Within two minutes of sitting down, however, something interesting happened: none of my complaints would stick. Instead of being upset about the storm outside, I felt blessed to be indoors. The neighbors’ arguing only made me feel grateful for the healthy relationship I was in, and when I really thought about it, there was no way I could complain about being uncomfortable in my bed while so many people were sleeping in cardboard boxes on the street every night!
It was amazing how gratitude managed to stomp every negative feeling I had. My morning meditation turned out to be better than a cup of coffee, and I was positively enthusiastic about the day ahead. In fact, when I ran into my neighbors on the way out, I felt sorry and sad instead of angry, because I knew they’d actually had a rougher night than I had.
Gratitude is an amazing antidote to almost any negative feeling. The minute we are angry with someone is the minute we have momentarily forgotten how grateful we are for having them in our lives in the first place. And as soon as we return to gratitude, the anger disappears. It’s amazing!
Try it out sometime and you’ll find that smiling is inevitable.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging! —Will Rogers
We used to rely on the church to instill a sense of gratitude in our children, but as many people have strayed away from religion for one reason or another, it is now up to you and me to use whatever tools we’ve got to talk about everything we’re grateful for on a regular basis.
By spreading gratitude on Facebook and Twitter, for example, we balance out the fears and anxieties that the media instills in society through every other channel and station.
Let’s show the next generation how easy it is to find things to be grateful for. The alternative is a terrible and growing sense of entitlement, which is nothing short of an epidemic, if you ask me.
Gratitude is at the core of every chapter’s intention to awaken, enlighten, enrich and inspire. I invite you to include gratitude at the foundation of your online posts, daily interactions with your friends and family, and even lunch conversations at work. Keep a gratitude journal or create a gratitude wall in your home where everyone can write things they’re grateful for on a regular basis.
Next time someone complains about their job, for example, be the one to say, “I’m grateful that I have a job.” And if someone whines about not having enough of something, be the one to say how much you appreciate what little you’ve got. I’m not suggesting that you be obnoxious to the point of invalidating other people’s version of the truth, but you can simply and skillfully steer them in the direction of the silver lining because trust me, they want to see it too, they just can’t at that moment. Be patient without condoning their negativity. Skillful means.
You get the point: don’t support this growing problem of people taking things for granted and feeling like victims; instead, celebrate the fact that we are far beyond survival and actually spoiled compared to so many others!
Seeking happiness outside ourselves is like waiting for sunlight in a cave facing north. —Tibetan saying
If you’ve ever taken a puppy for a walk, you know that it runs after everything that sparks its curiosity. After we train it to obey some simple commands, however, it grows to be our obedient and intuitive best friend.
The mind can be just as active and difficult to control as a puppy, yet we’ve never trained it to listen to us. Why haven’t we done this? Our mind chases random thoughts, jumps to conclusions, and has a hard time staying focused. We have so little control of it, in fact, that sometimes we can’t even turn it off at the end of the day. If it were a puppy, we would be very upset!
We know that Buddhism is about training the mind, and that there are many methods of doing so. The second principle of
Buddhist Boot Camp
is that our thoughts become words, and our words become actions. To train the mind, however,
Buddhist Boot Camp
suggests working backward. Start by changing your actions, then be mindful of your speech, and your thoughts will eventually follow.
First, recognize and eliminate your bad habits (whatever they may be). If you habitually act out of anger, for example, then there’s no fertile soil in your mind for the seed of gratitude to grow. To think positively, your actions must be in line with your intentions.
Be part of the solution by not being part of the pollution, for it isn’t enough to simply study Buddhism; we must practice what we learn!
Training the mind requires a lot of self-control, determination, and freedom from anger (whether you follow this particular method, transcendental meditation, yoga, or any other approach).
Buddhist Boot Camp
is not here to necessarily teach you anything new, but to encourage you to put into practice what you already know; to point you in the direction of gratitude and unconditional love. We can’t just THINK ABOUT compassion and kindness; we must BE compassionate and kind. Now let’s get to work!
An ounce of practice is worth more than a ton of preaching. —Gandhi
Clyde is a single father of two. When his wife died of type 2 diabetes last year, he vowed to take better care of the family’s health by doing three new things on a regular basis: eating more fruits and vegetables, exercising, and never getting fast food again.
Tonight, with only ten dollars to spend on dinner, he will make them mashed potatoes, grilled chicken, and steamed broccoli florets. Even though he wants to buy everything organic, he simply can’t afford to right now, so he’s doing the best he can, avoiding processed foods, soda, and everything else that has high-fructose corn syrup in it.
A woman named Laura is standing behind Clyde at the grocery store. Her life is completely different than his, so her shopping cart is filled with organic and seasonal produce that she can easily afford without hesitation. Although she’s a strict vegetarian and a big supporter of local farmers, she can’t really be upset with Clyde for eating meat or buying non-organic food. Organic is better than conventional, that’s true; but conventional is certainly better than fast food. According to his time, place, and circumstance, Clyde is actually doing the right thing. They both are.
Never judge anyone for the choices that they make, and always remember that the opposite of what you know is also true. Every other person’s perspective on reality is as valid as your own, so no matter how certain you are that what you’re doing is the “right thing,” you must humbly accept the possibility that even someone doing the exact opposite might be doing the “right thing” as well.
Everything is subject to time, place, and circumstance. There are no “shoulds” in compassionate thinking!
Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as you can. —John Wesley
I met a wonderful woman yesterday who initially came across as a bitter, aggressive, jaded, angry political activist, and outraged feminist. The more I spoke of how I believe world peace begins by looking within ourselves (changing our mindsets to eventually evolve out of greed, hatred, ignorance and fear), the more upset she seemed to get that I wasn’t proposing we do anything to change “the corrupt system.”
We spoke for a couple of hours before her defenses were dropped long enough to at least understand (but not necessarily agree) that although my approach and hers are completely different, they are to the same end.
“the system,” after all, is made up of individuals. By raising the next generation to be peaceful and compassionate, we are building future systems to operate with altruistic intentions instead of hunger for power.
This woman wanted global change to happen NOW, and I admire her for that sense of urgency and passion. We must use different tactics to reach a wide variety of audiences, so although she’s a revolutionary activist raising conscious awareness in a very different method than my own, she is, in fact, a soldier of peace in the army of love.
What I learned is that we are all activists in our own way. I may not be protesting with picket signs in an attempt to overthrow governments, for example, but I did write a book, and I am planting seeds of gratitude with the hope of remembering and reminding everyone what “for the people” truly means. I would have never considered myself to be an “activist” before, but I guess I am, in my own way.
Soldiers of peace in the army of love are sometimes difficult to identify as allies, because some use completely different methods than we do. An outsider might have thought that this woman and I were arguing, but I think we were growing, and for that I am forever grateful.
If you invite me to an anti-war rally, I won’t go. Invite me to a pro-peace rally, and I’ll be there! —Mother Teresa
In my twenties I got a tattoo at the end of each one of my relationships. I think it’s because I was disappointed and looking for something permanent when everything else felt so uncertain.
Luckily I chose phrases or artistic depictions of things I’d want to believe in forever. They are reminders of what is truly important:
Unconditional Love, Honesty, Respect, Trust, Self-Control, Determination, Freedom from Anger, Happiness, Tranquility, Equality, Strength, Divinity, Freedom, The Spirit of Aloha, Sticking Together, A Sense of Home—and when I realized that all of those were very serious, I added a tattoo of a volleyball player as a depiction of Fun.
Are we all looking for something permanent in an impermanent world?
The moment we accept, not fear, that everything is temporary, we can appreciate each breath as a gift. Whether it’s the love of a friend, our family, youth, or life itself, let’s celebrate and enjoy that we have it today.
Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. —Gandhi
Somebody saw me with my book in hand this afternoon and asked, “Are you a Buddhist?” and I didn’t know how to answer that. I am a lot of things, yet not one of them defines me. Although I am technically Jewish, my mantra is Hindu, was ordained Buddhist, and my morning meditation is the Catholic prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi. I study religion and psychology simultaneously (so as to understand why and how people believe what they do), and find myself wholeheartedly agreeing most with the non-sectarian Charter for Compassion, which reads as follows:
The principle of compassion lies at the heart of all religious, ethical and spiritual traditions, calling us always to treat all others as we wish to be treated ourselves. Compassion impels us to work tirelessly to alleviate the suffering of our fellow creatures, to dethrone ourselves from the center of our world and put another there, and to honor the inviolable sanctity of every single human being, treating everybody, without exception, with absolute justice, equity and respect.
It is also necessary (in both public and private life) to refrain consistently and empathically from inflicting pain. To act or speak violently out of spite, chauvinism, or self-interest, to impoverish, exploit or deny basic rights to anybody, and to incite hatred by denigrating others—even our enemies—is a denial of our common humanity. We acknowledge that we have failed to live compassionately and that some have even increased the sum of human misery in the name of religion.
We therefore call upon all men and women to restore compassion to the center of morality and religion; to return to the ancient principle that any interpretation of scripture that breeds violence, hatred or disdain is illegitimate; to ensure that youth are given accurate and respectful information about other traditions, religions and cultures; to encourage a positive appreciation of cultural and religious diversity; to cultivate an informed empathy with the suffering of all human beings (even those regarded as enemies).
We urgently need to make compassion a clear, luminous and dynamic force in our polarized world. Rooted in a principled determination to transcend selfishness, compassion can break down political, dogmatic, ideological and religious boundaries. Born of our deep interdependence, compassion is essential to human relationships and to a fulfilled humanity. It is the path to enlightenment, and indispensable to the creation of a just economy and a peaceful global community.
The one and only test of a valid religious idea, doctrinal statement, spiritual experience, or devotional practice is that it must lead directly to practical compassion. —Karen Armstrong