Bulletproof (22 page)

I winced, remembering that terrible phone call. I’d been in Chicago, listening to Jody’s tears as she told me they were on the way to the hospital. Grandma had collapsed, and they had no idea what was wrong with her.

It’d been a harrowing few days as we waited out test results. Turned out she hadn’t been taking very good care of herself. I’d nearly moved back home, but she’d kept me in Chicago with her soft commands, telling me I owed it to myself to stay.

“I had to let go, really look inside myself and figure out what I needed.” She shrugged. “Being on bed rest for a couple of weeks really gives you time to think. It’s funny how those crisis moments help define us, make us shake hands with our demons.” Blowing on her coffee, she took another sip. “I had to stop in order to find my way. I wonder what you’re gonna have to do?”

“Great, so there’s still a crisis coming?”

“I hope so.”

I scoffed and looked to the ceiling. “Thanks a lot. I already feel like I’m living in one big crisis.”

“Then maybe you should take this time to stop and figure out what you really need.”

Sean.

I said his name in my head until I was shouting it, but I knew it wasn’t the answer Grandma was looking for.

“Morgan, honey, you’re bound by things you haven’t dealt with yet. You’ve buried them deep and let them fester.”

My teeth ground together, my breathing shortening to a bare whisper.

“You need to root those out, like a weed.” She snapped her fingers. “If you can do that, you’ll find your happiness, you’ll find that peace. You’ll be bulletproof.” She pointed at me and winked. “Like I said, if you can learn to be happy on your own, just think what a bonus it will be when the right man comes along.”

“The right man
did
come along, and I walked away from him.” I slammed the table.

“But you’re not ready. Honey, if you don’t shake hands with those demons of yours and tell them they are no longer welcome in your life, you’ll never be ready for anything, especially a relationship.”

I hated this conversation. I wanted to shoot out of my chair and make a beeline for the car, but Grandma’s steady gaze had me locked in place.

“You need to forgive her,” she whispered.

Snatching my coffee, I took a sip, my entire body resisting those words.

She left us. She turned me into a mother at the age of fourteen! How the hell was I supposed to forgive her!
I hadn’t spoken to my mother since I slammed the phone in her ear on my fifteenth birthday. Like she even had a right to call!

“Don’t let her do this to you anymore. Take back control of your life and fight for the woman you were meant to be. She’s in there. I see glimmers of it all the time.”

“I don’t know how,” I mumbled.

“I just told you how! Now go and do it!”

“I don’t—” I rose from my chair, pushing it back into place. “I don’t have time for this.” Desperate to avoid her gaze, I shot back into the kitchen and busied myself with dishes. Grandma remained mercifully quiet, calmly working beside my ridiculous flurry of movements.

Forty minutes later, I was kissing her goodbye.

“I love you, Morgan. I wouldn’t challenge you if I didn’t.”

I forced a smile. “I love you too.”

Raising my hand, I raced down the path, shutting myself into the safety of my car. Revving the engine, I flicked on the radio and turned up the volume until it thumped through my car, carrying me home and forcing the rattling conversation with Grandma Deb out of my brain.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

SEAN

“Sean! Sean!”

Isabella raced up behind me, pulling me to a stop with her tiny fingers.

“I need to see you before you leave today. I’ve come up with some great moves for your solo next week and I want to go over them.”

I inwardly cringed. I’d been trying to avoid our choreographer all day, knowing she had the moves set for me. I did need to get onto it, otherwise I wouldn’t know the part in time for filming. I just really didn’t want to dance that song.

“Yeah,” I sighed. “Yeah, of course.”

“Are you free now? I’ve got an hour.”

“Uh-huh.” I didn’t want to be free; I wanted to go and hide out in my room until Con needed me back on set, but Isabella had me now, and there was no way I could get out of it.

I forced a smile and followed her up to the rehearsal room.

“Okay.” She stretched her arms wide. “So this piece is pretty awesome. You don’t often get a complete solo, so I’m happy for you, and I love the way it’s going to flash to Sasha as you’re singing. I can picture it all really clearly. So let me show you what I’ve got, and then we can go from there.”

I nodded, pinching my lower lip between my fingers.

“I Wish You Were Here” by Cody Simpson filled the room. My stomach curdled, his voice instantly reminding me of the night Morgan and I had made love in this dance studio. My gaze left Isabella’s body and landed on the spot Morgan had lain, naked and glorious in the pale light, her long legs wrapping around me as I buried myself inside her.

“Hey, are you watching?” Isabella clapped her hands, grabbing my attention.

“Huh?” I glanced at her, going for innocent, but she saw straight through it.

Her hip popped out to the side, her hand finding a quick home there.

“Dude, you have it bad.”

“What?”

“When are you going to do something about it? You’ve been a freaking basket case.” She held up three fingers. “Three months, Sean. You idiot!”

I frowned, my head jerking back. “I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about.” Her little body pinged straight and she marched toward me. Her head only came up to my shoulders, but the little small fry could be intimidating when she wanted to be. I took a step back. “Morgan told me, okay. I can’t believe you just let her walk out the door!”

“It’s not that simple. You don’t even know—”

“I
do
know! I talk to her all the time!”

“You do?” My arms dropped to my sides, the air in my lungs evaporating.

“Yes, we’re friends.”

“Is she...? How is she?”

“Oh, you know, working some receptionist job with a company she doesn’t care about.” Isabella’s eyebrow quirked. “Why don’t you call her and find out?”

“Because—” I threw my hands in the air. “Because I can’t, okay! I can’t give her what she wants!”

“All she was asking you to do was fight for her, Sean.”

“No.” I waved my finger. “She was asking me to choose between her and my career.”

“I think you’re being a little dramatic.”

“Am I?” I punched the air. “What do you think Travis is gonna say if I go down there and tell him he’s an asshole and if he ever talks to my woman that way again, I’m gonna smash his face in?”

“You wouldn’t say that to him.”

“I want to!”

Isabella sighed. “Sean, I don’t think she wanted you to do that. She just wanted you to claim her.”

“I was
trying
to protect her. Besides, claiming her could jeopardize my entire future as an actor.”

“Who is feeding you this horseshit?” Isabella scowled. “Is it Rhonda?”

“Hey, she’s been good to me.”

“Yeah, I’m sure she has
your
best interests at heart.”

“She does!”

Isabella raised her hands, stepping away from my accusing finger. “I don’t doubt that she has your career very firmly taken care of, but is that all your life is about?”

“You don’t know how hard I’ve worked to get here.” I shook my head, gripping the back of my neck.

“Yes, I do. I know how hard this business is.”

“If I cross Travis, he could destroy me. I don’t want to go back to being some poor nobody. I spent my entire life that way.”

Stepping toward me with a huff, the little dancer punched me in the arm. “You’re more talented than you think you are. Audiences love you, Sean. They loved you as Mr. Bulletproof; they adore you as Harley. You’ve got more power than you think you do.”

“No, I don’t.” I gritted my teeth. “I’m too late anyway, Bells. I’ve left it too long. She’ll have moved on and found someone to take care of her...give her everything she deserves. I just have to focus on my career and make the best of it.”

“Nothing’s ever too late when it comes to love.” Her gaze was so intense, begging me to reconsider.

I didn’t know how to respond.

She opened her mouth to say more, but I cut her off before she could.

“Let’s get on with this.” Marching toward the stereo, I collected the iPod and found the song, nodding at her to show me the moves.

The song washed over us as she stood there in reluctant silence, but I wouldn’t budge.

Eventually she sighed her way to my side and took her stance. “Start the song again.”

I selected the song and carefully watched her as she went through the moves once more, joining in for the repetitive steps. I blocked out the lyrics, trying to forget the fact I’d have to record them next week. Singing about missing my girl and wishing her by my side was a real killer. Harley’s story line sucked ass, and I couldn’t wait for the damn season to be over. After this, only one more episode to go. All I could hope was that the writers had a decent conclusion, because I didn’t know how much longer I could keep acting a role that mirrored my life.

CHAPTER THIRTY

MORGAN

I covered my yawn and looked at my watch. Thirty-three minutes left to go. Blinking, I sat up straight and tried to wake myself up. I needed another coffee. Rising from my receptionist post, I went to get myself a refill and poured one for my boss at the same time.

“Thanks so much, Morgan. You’re amazing.” His broad smile was hard not to mirror. The guy was so full of compliments—a refreshing change from Mr. Hardass, to say the least.

“You’re welcome. Is there anything else you need before I go?”

He glanced up at the clock on the wall and cringed as he handed me some paperwork. “Actually, I was wondering if you could punch in these final figures for me. I want to work on them tonight. I’ve already told the wife I’ll be late for dinner.” He winked.

I swallowed, forcing a cheery smile as I reached for it.

“Sorry if it means you have to stay late. I’ll pay you overtime...or let you leave early tomorrow if you like.”

“Sure.” My smile turned genuine. He really was a nice guy. I may have found the job boring as hell, but at least I worked for a man who respected me. He was friendly, warm, and easy to be around. I wasn’t going to complain.

Slumping into my chair, I spun to face the computer and got to work, opening up the database and punching in numbers I didn’t want to take the time to understand. This job was a filler, something to tide me over until I could get my life figured out.

That familiar weight of depression fell into my belly as the big question loomed. What did I want from my life?

Sean was always the first word that popped into my head, but I batted it away. He hadn’t even tried to call me once. It didn’t matter that I’d changed my number and moved. He’d picked me up from my house in Pasadena once; it didn’t take a genius to know where I would have gone.

Besides, he saw Isabella almost every day, and I was still in contact with her. She’d become a good friend, and although it was stupidly hard, I made a concerted effort never to ask how he was doing. I didn’t want to hear that he’d moved on.

The phone on my desk buzzed. I collected it up and grinned. I always found it funny when you were thinking of someone and they actually called.

“Hey, how’s it going?”

“Good. Tired.” Isabella groaned. “These dance rehearsals are killing me.”

“Not many more to go.” I tried to keep my voice light.

“Totally. I’ve only got two more dances to choreograph, and then I’m taking a month off. Hubs has made me promise I will.”

I grinned. I loved the way she called Dean “Hubs”. It was cute.

“How are you going to cope with time off? You thrive on being busy.”

She chuckled. “I know, but I have some plans.”

I didn’t have the energy to find out what they were. I didn’t want to know about her awesome plans. I wasn’t trying to be bitchy, but life was all about survival for me at the moment, and I didn’t need to hear that other people were moving on and up, while I was stuck treading water in my scummy pond.

“So, what can I do for you?” I pressed the phone against my ear and kept typing in numbers.

“I just wanted to see how you were doing? I had a really great rehearsal today with Sean and—”

“Hey, you know the rules. No work talk. I don’t need to know.”

“Yeah, I just...” She sighed. “You’re right. It’s not my place. How’s your work going?”

“Oh you know; same old, same old.” I glanced at Derek’s office door and hunched over my phone, whispering, “It’s so boring here, I think my brain falls into a coma the second I walk in the door.”

She giggled.

“But then I get home and it’s electrocuted into functioning again, because I have to face Jody and Dad.”

“Are they still at each other?”

“Not so much
at
, just unable to be around each other. Every time Dad sees Jody’s belly, he cringes. It’s like he can’t help himself. If Jody ever sees it, she gets all defensive and starts going off about how his disappointment is killing her.” I roll my eyes. “She’s such a drama queen, and the amount of tears. I mean, I know she’s hormonal and the situation sucks for her, but part of me wants to slap her and tell her to toughen up. Life sucks; get used to it.” I winced at my bitter tone.

Thankfully Isabella let it slide. “Has she decided if she wants to keep the baby or not?”

I groaned. “She says she doesn’t want to, but every time I bring out the paperwork from the adoption agency she changes the subject or says she doesn’t have time. I really have no idea what is going through her brain. It’s so exhausting, Isabella. And don’t even get me started on our first Lamaze last week.” I groaned.

Isabella chuckled. “I know it must be horrible. Hey, why don’t we hang out tonight? Go dancing or something.”

I licked my bottom lip. She’d been asking for weeks to catch up face-to-face, but I kept putting her off. Seeing her would remind me of everything I was missing, and I couldn’t dance. I’d barely been able to listen to music lately. It was too painful.

“I have to work late tonight.”

“Aw, man. I had something really cool I wanted to show you.”

“What?” I stopped typing and pressed the phone to my ear.

“No way, I’m not telling you over the phone; it’s a surprise.”

I grinned. “I’m sorry, but I really can’t tonight. Maybe tomorrow?”

“I’m holding you to that.”

“Okay.” I cringed. What had I just done?

“Trust me, it’s good. You’ll like it.”

“Yeah, I’m sure I will.” I couldn’t sound upbeat, because I didn’t believe her. There was nothing to like about my life at the moment. I was lonely, frustrated, bored, exhausted.

I was lonely. My stomach pinched.

“Well, chica, I better fly. I’ll
see
you tomorrow night!”

“Ciao.” I pulled the phone away from my ear and gazed at the screen.

Without meaning to, I flicked to my contacts list and scanned the numbers. I saw Brad’s name flash by, and my thumb hovered over it for a minute.

What was I thinking?

Seriously? Brad?

He didn’t even live in LA! And I seriously should not have his number on my phone anymore.

But the thought of hooking up with an ex-boyfriend was kind of nice. Go out for a drink, have some fun. Life had been about nothing but work and Jody lately. I needed to let loose.

I flicked my thumb up the screen and watched it travel through the rest of the numbers. I was lonely. I needed someone to fill that space again. Not like a relationship or anything, just... Would a one-night stand really be that bad? I couldn’t stomach the idea of going home to Jody and Dad’s tension. I couldn’t stomach the idea of dancing...but getting tipsy and screwing some nameless face—that somehow had appeal.

Oblivion.

Ecstasy.

Losing my body to that mind-numbing pleasure.

It had always been my best release.

The names on the screen turned fuzzy as my eyes lost focus, my conversation with Grandma Deb rearing over me again. It had been doing that a lot lately. I wanted to forget we’d ever had it.

As if forgiving my mother would give me inner peace.

I’d vowed never to speak to her again. I didn’t want to open that door. No, my best option was to move on and forget. I’d find peace some other way...in some guy’s arms. That had always worked before.

Suddenly motivated, I popped my phone beside me and hurried through the rest of the data entry. As soon as it was done, I was gonna hit the town, find a busy bar, and get me some liquor. This was probably why I hadn’t been able to push out of my depression. I’d been moping around missing Sean when I should have been throwing myself back into the dating pool. It wasn’t so bad, and at least I could forget my troubles with a good night out.

I was tempted to call Isabella back and see if she did want to go dancing, but I wrinkled my nose. I didn’t want to dance tonight, at least not that kind of dancing. I needed to go out on my own.

“You nearly done?” Derek walked out from his office, making me jump. “Sorry.” He grinned.

“Nearly.” I smiled back. “One page to go.”

“Great, just pop into my office before you leave.” His eyes lingered on me for a minute.

“Sure.” I nodded, turning back to the screen.

Thirty minutes later, I had finished. Saving the files, I popped them into DropBox for Derek and turned off the computer. I collected my things and double-checked the area, deciding to file the paperwork in the morning.

With a quick knock on Derek’s door, I stepped inside.

“All done.”

“Great.” He stood and walked around his desk. He was actually a really handsome guy. My guess was mid-forties, but I’d never actually asked. I knew he had two kids—three and five—and a wife named Mandy.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you in the morning then.” I lifted the bag onto my shoulder and stepped toward him.

Whatever cologne he was wearing smelled really good. It laced up my nostrils, making my belly quiver.

“Thank you for staying late.” He took a step closer until he was standing right beside me. “I can’t tell you how grateful I am to have you working here. You’re efficient, intelligent, kind, thoughtful. It makes me wonder how I coped before you came along.”

I grinned. “Thank you, Derek.”

His eyes lingered on my face, a warm smile touching his lips. “So, what have you got planned tonight?”

I shrugged. “Not sure exactly.” Like I could tell him what I really wanted to do.

“You have seemed a little antsy the last few weeks; it’ll probably be good for you to go and blow off some steam.”

It was an effort to hide my surprise. I didn’t realize the pressure building inside me was starting to show.

Derek reached for my hand and gave it a little squeeze. “Sometimes all you need is a night out, so you can forget your troubles, right? Something to release that pressure.”

My lips parted. I was working for a telepathist, and I didn’t even know it.

He dropped my hand, his fingers skimming up my arm and nestling on my shoulder. A wave of warning spiked through me, but I stood my ground. It felt good to be touched gently, to be told that I was thinking and doing the right things for a change.

It was refreshing not be put down, dismissed, ignored...for my needs to be acknowledged and agreed with.

“Yeah,” my voice was husky.

Derek stepped into my space, his body brushing against mine. “I might not know exactly what you’re going through right now, but I do know that life can suck and sometimes we just need to be impulsive, spontaneous...let ourselves go. For the sake of our sanity.”

He leaned toward me, his lips aiming for mine. I knew I should have turned away, but I didn’t. I gave back, letting his tongue slide into my mouth. The bag dropped from my shoulder before I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck. His hands swarmed my body, gliding over my curves. A moan of pleasure swelled in his throat as we deepened the kiss.

It felt good.

I switched off my brain, smashing away the warning bells. I needed this. I needed to forget.

My hands scrambled for his shirt, tugging it out of his pants as his lips roamed my neck. My fingers skimmed over his firm torso and a smile tugged at my lips. Not bad.

Nothing on Sean’s six-pack, but...

Sean.

I swallowed, closing my eyes against the sound of his name.

Warnings continued to lash at me, beating against the force field I was trying to construct. I didn’t want to know.

I needed to forget!

We stumbled toward Derek’s desk, my butt pressing into the edge as he lifted my knee and perched my foot against the chair behind him.

Derek’s fingers trailed up my leg, pushing my skirt out of the way. He squeezed my inner thigh before hooking his thumb into my panties. The pads of his fingers pressed into me and I softly moaned. I hadn’t been touched for three months...which for me, was a really long time.

It felt good.