California Diaries # 11: Dawn III: Missing (11 page)

“And there really isn’t anything more the doctors can do for Mrs. Winslow.

She isn’t going to get well, Dawn.”

At last I understood. Or thought I did. “You mean – You mean Mrs.

Winslow has come home to die?”

Most people would have found a way to soften what I had said. But not

Carol. And I appreciated that.

“Well,” said Carol. “Yes. I suppose she has.”

“Oh god, oh god, oh god,” I said. I put my forehead on my arm.

Carol stood up and moved to my side of the table. She held me while I

cried, and she didn’t say much.

Finally, when I sort of had control of myself, I said, “I never thought she

would die from this. I really thought she would get better. Even after they stopped

the chemo.”

“I know,” said Carol.

And then I realized why Sunny had cut school.

“God, poor Sunny,” I said. “She wasn’t in school today, Carol. She must

have known this was going to happen. I bet she stayed at home to be with her

mother.” Either that or she was somewhere else so she wouldn’t have to be with

her mother.

“Maybe you should call Sunny,” Carol suggested.

For some reason that brought on a fresh wave of tears. When I calmed

down I said, “It’s no good. I’ve tried talking to her.”

“But maybe she’ll talk now. This is different.”

“You mean she real y needs her friends?” I said. Carol nodded. “But she

really needed us before. Why should this be different?”

“Because now it’s real,” Carol replied.

Extremely late Thursday night 3/11

I can’t sleep. I’ve been trying for hours. All I can think about are Sunny and

Mrs. Winslow.

After dinner tonight I cal ed Ducky, then Maggie, then Amalia. I told each

of them about Sunny’s mother. “Carol thinks Sunny might want to be friends with

us again,” I told Ducky. He seemed uncertain but said he’d try to talk to her in

school tomorrow.

To Maggie and Amalia I said simply, “Sunny really needs us right now.”

We all kind of agreed that NO MATTER WHAT Sunny’s reaction to us was,

we would rally around her.

We would MAKE her be our friend again, and then we would stick with her

through the worst, until things got better again, and forever. Because that’s what

friends do.

Cafeteria, Friday 3/12

Sunny isn’t making this easy for us. Of course, she doesn’t know about

our plan, so how could she oblige us?

At any rate, she’s not in school today.

Still lunchtime but later, Friday 3/12

Maggie and Amalia are here now. (I was alone when I wrote the last entry.)

And Amalia thinks Sunny is in school.

“But she’s not in her classes,” I said.

“Well, I passed her in the hall,” Amalia replied.

I looked at Maggie, who shrugged. “I haven’t seen her,” she said.

“Are you sure it was Sunny?” I asked Amalia.

“Positive.”

“Where was she?”

“Coming out of Ms. Krueger’s office.”

Got to go. Lunch is over.

3 secs. between classes, Friday 3/12

Just saw Sunny myself. She is here. But not going to classes. Think I’ll

camp out by her locker at the end of the day and just wait.

Friday evening 3/12

I waited at Sunny’s locker for 15 minutes after the last bell rang. Ducky

joined me, then Maggie, then Amalia. The hal s had pretty much cleared out.

“Well?” I said finally. I looked around at my friends.

“Well,” said Ducky.

The four of us stood up.

“Now what?” asked Amalia.

I sighed. “I guess we go home.”

“But we keep after her,” said Maggie. “We aren’t going to let her get away

from us. She has to know we’re here for her.”

“No matter what it takes,” said Ducky.

Friday night 3/12

We haven’t heard from Sunny. None of us has. But now the light is on in

her room. I can see it from my window. It’s much too late to call her, but tomorrow

I will go next door.

Saturday afternoon 3/13

I’m sitting at my desk, looking out my window, and Sunny has just come

outside. She’s sitting on her back stoop.

Oh god. I think she’s crying.

It’s time for me to go to her.

Saturday night 3/13

My heart was pounding SO LOUDLY as I walked across our backyard and

into Sunny’s yard. I barely even noticed how warm it was, unusually warm for

March. All I could think about was Sunny. She was sitting on the top of the stoop,

kind of hunched over. Her shoulders were shaking. I know she saw me coming,

but she didn’t say anything. She didn’t leave, though, either, and that was a good

sign.

I had no idea what to say, so I just sat down next to her. When she didn’t

move, I put my arm across her shoulders. She still didn’t move, so we sat like

that for awhile. After a long time (well, it felt like a long time), Sunny’s shoulders stopped shaking. She lifted her head and looked at me.

“I guess you heard,” she said.

I nodded. “Carol told me.”

“And?”

I wasn’t sure what Sunny wanted me to say. “And…well, I didn’t

understand at first. But now I do. I cried for a long time.”

Sunny nodded. “They don’t know how long it will be. I mean, how long…

Mom will live. Maybe a few weeks. Maybe a couple of months.”

I turned around and glanced at the door behind us. Sunny looked too. We

couldn’t see inside, but Sunny said, “There’s a nurse here right now. There are

three or four of them and they rotate shifts. I feel like I’m living at the hospital.”

“It must be horrible.”

“It’s pretty bad.” Sunny poked at a pebble with her toe. Then she looked at

me. “Dawn, I’m real y sorry,” she said.

“That’s okay.” I wasn’t sure it real y was, but I didn’t know what else to say

at the moment. I think what I meant was that I knew it would be okay. Eventual y.

“I know I’ve been, well…”

“Mean?” I suggested. I couldn’t help it. I knew Sunny was hurting, but she

had hurt me too. Badly. And I wanted her to know that. If she weren’t my best

friend, I guess it wouldn’t have mattered so much. But she was my best friend.

Even after everything that had happened.

“Have I been mean?” asked Sunny,

“Sometimes.”

“I’m sorry. I’ve really missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too. But you kept pushing me away.”

“I know.”

I didn’t press Sunny for an explanation. I was sure Carol had been right.

Anyway, the point was that Sunny had missed me.

And I thought perhaps she needed me now. It had been a long time since

she had confided her feelings in me. Surely that meant something. I decided I

was willing to try on our friendship again. I’d been without it for so long that I’d

forgotten just what it felt like, only that it used to be wonderful.

“Maybe we could forget about the last few months,” I said. As if that were

possible. It seemed like a good thing to say, though. And if we both tried very,

very hard…

“Really?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“Just promise me something.”

“What?” said Sunny warily.

“That the next time you’re sad or upset, instead of disappearing, cal me.

Or come over. Or call Maggie or Amalia.”

“Or Ducky?” said Sunny.

“Definitely Ducky.”

“He called this morning.”

“Did you talk?”

“A little. It was hard because things were kind of busy here. But he’s

coming over later.”

“Ducky loves you, you know, Sunny. He thinks of you as his sister.”

“I know.”

I smiled at Sunny. She smiled back. It was a sad smile, but still.

“Do you want to see Mom?” Sunny asked me.

“Okay,” I replied.

We stood up. Then we put our arms around each other and walked into

Sunny’s house.