California Diaries # 11: Dawn III: Missing (4 page)

watched them hurry down the hall.

I fished around in my pocket for the list of things to tell Mrs. Winslow,

glanced at it, and put it back. Nothing felt right.

Then I opened Franny and Zooey and continued reading.

Cafeteria, Thursday 2/25

Pouring rain today.

Ducky was just here. We split a juice.

I asked Ducky if he’s visited Mrs. Winslow recently.

“I’ve only been to the hospital once,” he said. “A couple of months ago.”

I forget that Ducky hasn’t known us very long. He seems like such an old,

old friend.

“Oh. I went yesterday,” I told him. “Ducky, she looks – HORRIBLE.” (Ducky

winced.) “Yeah. And each time I see her, she looks even worse, no matter how

bad she already looked.”

“Poor Sunny.”

“Poor Sunny? What about poor Mrs. Winslow?”

“Dawn, how would you feel if Mrs. Winslow were your mother?”

I looked at the table. “Awful,” I replied. “No. You know what? I don’t even

know how I’d feel.”

I decided it was time to talk to Sunny.

Thursday afternoon 2/25

I visited Mrs. Winslow again after school. (I just read some more Franny

and Zooey to her because she still can’t talk.) When I was leaving, I ran into

Sunny. I was zipping up my jacket as I stepped into the hal way, and I nearly

bumped into her.

“Oh, sorry,” I said. “Hi.”

“Hi,” replied Sunny, but she sounded as if she’s just seen a snake.

“I was visiting your mom.”

Now, I know that was an unnecessary thing to say, but I don’t think it

deserved such a withering look from Sunny.

“No kidding,” she said.

“Well, I think she likes the company.”

Right away I knew I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean to imply that

Sunny should visit her mother more often, but that’s how she took it.

“I’m sure she does, Pol yanna,” replied Sunny.

I lowered my eyes and walked away.

Thursday night 2/25

I have been trying to tell myself that going to the concert with Sunny will

be just fine. I think about the things Ducky has been saying. I think how horrible

I’d feel if my mother were as sick as Sunny’s. Plus, I remind myself of the years

of friendship Sunny and I had before our fight.

Now, after our meeting at the hospital, I wonder if we can survive the

concert together. Just thinking about it is making me squirm. And shiver.

Later Thursday night 2/25

Why does Sunny want to make people feel so miserable? What is she

thinking?

Even later Thursday night 2/25

I just asked Carol my question about why Sunny would want to make

people feel miserable. Carol said she doesn’t think that’s what Sunny is doing.

“But she was so mean to me today!” I exclaimed. “And she’s been mean

to a lot of people lately.”

Carol drew in a breath. “How can I explain this?” she said. “dawn, I think

Sunny feels that if she isn’t close to people, then if they leave her too, the way

her mother seems to be leaving her now, it won’t hurt so much.”

“But I’m not leaving her!”

“I know. But I think Sunny thinks you could leave her. After all, anyone

could get sick.”

At first I just stared at Carol. How morbid. But then I understand what she

was saying. “Or die in a car accident,” I added.

“Or something less drastic,” said Carol. “Move away. Switch to a different

school. Sunny isn’t taking any chances right now.”

“But if she pushes everyone away from her,” I went on, “maybe no one

can leave her, but she won’t have any friends either.”

“I didn’t say this was rational,” Carol replied.

“Sunny needs a shrink.”

“She probably does need to see a therapist,” Carol said, “but that’s up to

Sunny and her parents.”

Friday 2/26

A small daydream about Pierre and me:

Pierre and I somehow get to spend a weekend together. We can do

absolutely anything we want to do. So what do we decide on? A nice, cozy

weekend at home. We start off by grocery shopping. We buy everything we need

to cook up a fancy meal. Roaming the vegetable aisle is SO romantic. Our hands

touch as we both reach for the same clump of cilantro. We fill up our cart.

Tomatoes, beans, garlic. Pierre says he knows how to make strawberry

shortcake, so we buy two huge cartons of fat, scarlet strawberries.

On the way home from the grocery store, we stop at the video rental

place. They’re offering a special – three movies for three days for three bucks. So

we choose Gone With the Wind, When Harry Met Sally, and Buffy the Vampire

Slayer. We buy al -natural microwave popcorn and we’re out of there.

We spend the entire afternoon cooking, in a very romantic way. When our

supper is ready we decide to eat by candlelight – but we also want to eat by the

fireplace in the living room and in front of the TV in the den. So we decide to set

a table in the living room, make a fire, and put candles on the table. When supper

is over we move into the den and begin a movie marathon.

After the third movie, it is

Oh. It is time for class.

Cafeteria, Friday 2/26

I just caught sight of Sunny and I decided to be brave again.

“Hey, Sunny!” I called.

She turned around and saw me. “Yeah?”

A thousand thoughts swirled around in my head. I could ask her if she

wants to go to the hospital together to visit her mother. (No, she would HATE

that.) I could say, “Glad we’re going to the concert.” (Very lame.) I could invite her over. I could ask her if she wants to go shopping or something.

Finally I said, “Can I cal you tonight?”

Sunny frowned slightly. “Uh, sure.”

I felt like a dork. I watched Sunny walk out of the cafeteria. Where was she

going? Our lunch period had just started. Clearly she wasn’t sticking around for it.

Now I am sitting by myself with my uneaten lunch. I am going to look for

Maggie and Amalia.

Later Friday 2/26

Well.

I can’t believe what Maggie just told me. Sunny left lunch because she

thought she could make it to the hospital for a quick visit with her mother and

back to school, cutting only one class. (Why she can’t go after school is beyond

me, but the important thing is that she’s visiting her mother.)

Hmm.

Fridday night 2/26 8:17

Okay. I am going to cal Sunny like I said I would.

Friday night 2/26 8:18

Really. I’m going to cal her.

Friday night 2/26 8:20

I’ll call her as soon as I stop hyperventilating.

Friday night 2/26 8:23

Still catching my breath.

Oh, god, there’s the phone. Maybe it’s Sunny.

Friday night 2/26 8:29

It was Ducky. He’s so funny. He just called to say, “Can you believe that in

a mere week we will be ON OUR WAY to see Pierre?”

I love that he’s so excited. We chatted for a few minutes, but now I really

HAVE to call Sunny. I mean, I told her I’d cal her, so I better call her, right?

Okay. I am no longer hyperventilating. Now I will call her.

Friday night 2/26 8:30

She wasn’t home.

Friday night 2/26 9:42

I just tried Sunny again and this time she answered the phone. I was

finally – real y and truly – ready to talk to her. To have a real talk. To try to sort out some of our problems before we get stuck sitting next to each other in the

backseat of Ducky’s car and then spending an entire evening together.

Here is our conversation:

Sunny: Hello?

Me: Hi, it’s me.

Sunny: (Silence.) Um…who?

Me: Me, Dawn.

Sunny: (Totally flat voice.) Oh. Hi.

Me: (What I want to say is, “Calm down, you’ll have a heart attack.”) Uh, I

said I’d call.

Sunny: (More silence.)

Me: Remember?

Sunny: Oh, yeah.

Me: Wel , I was thinking we should talk.

Sunny: About what?

Me: About, you know…

Sunny: (More silence. She is not going to make this easy for me. Isn’t

going to help me out the least little bit. Once again, I do not say what I want to

say, which is, “Sunny, for god’s sake, you’re my best friend. At least you used to

be. We know each other better than anyone else does. At least we used to. Don’t

you want to be friends again? I miss you. And you need a best friend.”)

Me: Sunny?

Sunny: Yeah?

Me: Don’t you want to talk?

Sunny: Look, I’m kind of busy right now.

Me: (I think, Wel , we can talk about that.) Oh? What are you doing?

Sunny: Just…stuff.

Me: (Sighing.) Sunny, don’t you think we should at least talk before we go

to see Jax?

Sunny: No.

Me: Okay, see you.

Sunny: ‘Bye.

Friday night 2/26 9:50

I tried not to cry after I hung up the phone. I didn’t want to give Sunny the

satisfaction. But then I realized she’d never know if I cried, and anyway, I couldn’t

help it.

What is wrong with Sunny? Why doesn’t she want to make up and be

friends again? I’m trying to keep in mind the things Carol told me, but they aren’t

helping much.

Okay, Sunny. You’ve had your chance.

I think Ducky is going to have to separate us in the car. Put me next to him

in the front and Sunny directly behind me so that we can’t see each other. Then

I’ll play Ducky’s tape player really loudly so nobody will be able to talk. (Often

Ducky’s tape player doesn’t work, so maybe I’ll bring a backup system.) I am not

going to let Sunny ruin Pierre and the concert for me.

Saturday morning 2/27 9:22

I tried to forget about Sunny but she kept me up all last night. I could

hardly sleep. I have an idea. I’ll call Ducky and suggest that somebody else drive

Sunny to the concert.

What a good idea. I’ll call him now.

Saturday morning 2/27 9:28

When I told Ducky my idea about sending Sunny in a separate car, he

said, “Why would I do that?”

Good question. Hmmm. Why would he?

I had to come up with a stupid answer and then change the subject.

Saturday morning 2/27 9:31

It has just occurred to me that I don’t even have permission to ride in

Ducky’s car. I stil haven’t talked to Dad and Carol about the concert.

Saturday night 2/27

I think I’ll call Ducky again to talk to him about Sunny and the concert. I

don’t think I introduced the subject in a well-thought-out manner this morning.

Later Saturday night 2/27

Boy, does Ducky sound depressed. Really awful, actually. He was in such

a good mood this morning, and tonight it’s like I’m talking to a different person.

(How do I wind up with all these moody people?)

Here is my conversation with Ducky:

Ducky: Hello?

Me: Hi!

Ducky: Hi, Dawn.

Me: What’s going on?

Ducky: Not much. I just got home.

Me: (I look at my watch. It’s, like, almost 10:00.) Yeah? Where were you?

(I’m not nosy, just curious.)

Ducky: Out scoring dinner.

Me: What?

Ducky: There’s no food in our fridge. Wel , practical y none. Just

condiments. And there was nothing in the freezer except ice. So I went out to get

something to eat, but at each place I’d decide I didn’t want the food there. So I

drove around forever before I finally settled on fried rice.

Me: That was your entire dinner? Fried rice?

Ducky: Yeah. Nothing else appealed to me. I went to KFC first and

decided I didn’t want chicken. Then I went to Wendy’s and decided I didn’t want a

hamburger. Then I went to Poppy’s and decided I didn’t want pizza.

Me: (All the time Ducky is talking I know I should be feeling sorry for him

or something, but what I can’t help thinking is how nice it must be to have your

own car.)

Ducky: (Continuing.) Then I went to IHOP, but I didn’t want pancakes. I

was just about to give up and go home to eat mustard and ice cubes when I

drove by the Lotus Garden and suddenly I decided I just had to have fried rice.

Vegetable fried rice. So I got fried rice and a fortune cookie and came home.

Ducky was in such a weird mood. I couldn’t tell whether this story was

supposed to be funny or just sort of pitiful, so then I didn’t know whether to laugh

or make sympathetic noises. And then I didn’t know whether to bring up the issue

of Sunny. But I had to bring it up sometime. I couldn’t keep not bringing it up or

Sunny and I would end up together in the backseat of Ducky’s car for sure.

Me: Ducky?

Ducky: Yeah?

Me: I real y need to talk to you about something.

Ducky: (His mouth is ful of either vegetable fried rice or this fortune

cookie.) Okay. (He sounds uncertain.)

Me: Wel , it’s Sunny. And the concert.

Ducky: Dawn…

Me: But it’s so uncomfortable being with her.

Ducky: Daw-awn. (Now he sounds annoyed.)

Me: But it is! Uncomfortable, I mean.

Ducky: Look, al you have to do is sit in the same car with her. The concert

is going to be real y crowded. You know that. You don’t have to be anywhere near

her if you don’t want to be. They seat you at a table, but then you can get up and

walk around. Okay?

Me: But she’s so mean to me lately. (I know I sound like a baby. I can’t

help it.) I want to be friends with her, Ducky. I real y do. I keep trying. I’ve tried talking to her. And she calls me Pollyanna or she won’t talk to me at all. Why

won’t she make up with me?

Ducky: (He sounds softer now.) Dawn, I don’t know. I’m glad you’re trying,