Can't Resist a Cowboy (9 page)

Chapter Fifteen

She’d woken up in his arms, snuggled against him on the couch this morning. After long moments relishing the contentment his embrace provided, she’d carefully gotten up and left. It was cowardly, the way she’d slipped out, but necessary. She was falling hard, walking a line between allowing it and resisting it more. It was brutal, not knowing what to do, yet here she was, encouraging something to happen between them.

The thought of going back to Wyoming was depressing. The more she relived and experienced here, the worse her longing to stay became. She couldn’t…the fear was still there telling her that it wasn’t possible, that she needed the city in order to best take care of herself. She had a lot of fear where Levi was concerned, too, but it wasn’t the same.

As each day passed, the apprehension she had over him faded a little. His smile and laugh reminded her why she’d loved him before. Then he’d do something unexpected, like comfort her fear of the dark, and she realized why she was starting to love him again.

She ducked her head beneath the tepid water, relishing the lukewarm sensation on her scalp and skin before she surfaced. Levi’s fingers were on the button of his jeans. She waited with anticipation to see if he’d finally take them off and let her see, but his hands fell away. Crouching, he slid into the water and disappeared beneath.

He surfaced, smoothing hair back from his eyes, the strong lines of his shoulders and chest glistening. Rooted in place by his beauty, she shivered hard as he came closer.

“Been waiting a long time for this,” he said, taking her upper arms in his hands. A droplet of water trailed down his temple. She reached up and traced it with a finger, catching the drop on the curve of his cheek. His hand ran up and over her shoulder, to her neck, fingers warm as he gently ran them behind her ear and cradled her head in his palm.

“I used to dream about me and you being here.” He licked his lower lip and looped a length of her hair around his finger. “I used to dream about you all the time. Every day, Carrie Lynn.”

She mourned the chances they never had. All that time, she could have been there for him, not just as a memory but as the woman waiting for him to come home. The news about the war, pictures of men in uniform, and stories of wives left behind had been daily reminders of what she’d lost. If he’d asked her to be, she would have been the wife waiting, praying, for him to come home.

He took her face between his hands, the blue of his eyes startling from the frame of black lashes and filtered sunlight.

“And now?” She said, afraid to ask, afraid to push…afraid of the position the truth might put her in.

“I want you as much as I ever did. No…I want you
more
.” His mouth was on hers before she could utter a word. Hard and soft. Demanding and giving—pulling her heart and fogging her brain. Carrie gripped his shoulders at the same time Levi hitched her up so her legs wrapped around his middle. He braced her with arms under her butt while he devoured her mouth. A starving man—wanting this as much as she did.
Needing
it. She needed it. Levi was the piece that clicked inside her, the balm that could take the hurt and fear away.

He pulled back from her lips and placed soft, warm kisses over her jaw. “I planned on letting you go again. But damn it, Carrie, I don’t want to.”

Her thighs clenched around him. “Don’t let me go.” She pulled him back in for another kiss, tilting her head to align their lips as her embrace tightened around him. Pressed against his warm, wet skin and rocked by the soft current, she felt reality narrow down to the feel of his body and the pleasure of his mouth.

Letting go now would crush her. All the pieces of her that had broken when he’d left and slowly knitted together with fragile lines would shatter, irreparably. Carrie pulled back, panting, her lips crying for more, but the truth making a louder demand. If they were going down this path, he needed to know what he was getting into.

“We need to have that talk.”

His thumbs swept over her cheeks. “Anything you want to talk about, baby.”

Gripping his wrists, she blinked away moisture from her lashes and the burn in her eyes.

“I’m going blind.”

…

Every part of him went cold. Carrie blinked, waiting for some response, but he couldn’t seem to make his lips work. Maybe the rush of water from the falls had blurred her words and he hadn’t heard her correctly. With a trembling hand, she wiped at her eyes.

She hurried, looking down as if she were ashamed. Cupping her chin, he brought her gaze back to him. “It’s just a matter of time now before I lose all sight in the right, but the left… I should have time yet.”

She started to tremble, either from her admission or the water cooling on her skin. “Carrie,” he said gently. He’d meant to say more, but it wouldn’t come. How could this be happening to her? All her years of dealing with her health, and now her vision, too? A tear rolled down her face, prompting his eyes to burn with emotion. Clasping her to his chest, Levi held her tightly, focusing on his breathing, on hers, until he felt calmer.

“Let’s get out. I have blankets in the truck. I’ll build a fire and we can talk.”
Please don’t tell me to take you home
, he thought, wanting more than anything to give her a chance to talk, to tell him, and to absorb what she said.

At her short nod, Levi guided her to the ledge and helped her jump up. He followed, using his arms to hike his butt up onto the ledge so he could swing his legs around—harder to do for him in soaked jeans than her in nothing but panties. As he spied her dressing out of the corner of his eye, it all became apparent. All the times she rubbed her right eye, as if it was irritated. How she often blinked and squinted on that side as if the light was too bright.

Signs that she’d been carrying around this heavy secret. He knew what it was like, not wanting anyone to know about your disability, because it was too painful to wonder how people would react, or judge. He was still wearing his jeans, wasn’t he? Soaked and heavy because he’d been too nervous to take them off and let Carrie see the damage underneath.

When they were dressed, Levi clasped Carrie’s hand and led her along the rocky path and back under the waterfall. Outside, daylight hung on by threads of red and orange.

At the truck, he put a hand to her back, willing her to look at him. Did she really worry that her condition would change his feelings? He was a poster boy for being broken. Noticing how she’d soaked through her jeans and T-shirt, his own wet clothes clinging coolly to his skin, he grabbed a blanket and the fire kit he’d always kept in Daisy, like a good Boy Scout.

“Come here, Sunshine.” He unfolded the blanket and stepped to her side, glad when a grateful smile crossed her lips as he covered her shoulders with it. A few minutes later, he’d scooped out a small fire pit from the soil and lit tinder with flint and steel. Carrie stood quietly next to him as the kindling burst into flame. He fed it dry sticks, and just as daylight began to shift, the fire pit flickered with hungry, warm flames.

“Impressive.” Carrie folded the blanket under her on the grass and sat. Holding up a finger to indicate a minute, Levi went back to the truck and pulled out his dry jeans, and changed into them with the bed of the truck between him and her. Grabbing another blanket, he joined her at the fire and threw on larger pieces of wood.

He sat so their knees touched. Warmth from the flames seeped straight through the denim and into his legs. “Does your dad know?”

She was watching the flames. “Not yet. I…I’m not ready to face his disappointment.”

“How could he ever be disappointed by something like this? That’s not him, Carrie.”

When she hesitated, Levi took her hand in his and loosely threaded their fingers. He wished she weren’t hurting, but he got it. The way her shoulders slumped a little and she seemed to be thinking of exactly what to say next, he had the hunch she hadn’t discussed this with anyone lately, if ever.

Around them, the hushed call of birds and insects overlaid the soft trickle of the creek in the distance. Carrie rubbed her thumb along his. “You know he’s always done everything possible to take care of me. He was so careful that I followed a good diet, and kept up with checking my blood sugar and taking my insulin just right. Whenever I got sick, he basically shut everything down to take care of me.”

“I know.”

Levi shifted on the blanket, remembering how easily Carrie’s blood sugar used to get out of control. One little illness, a change in her diet, or too much physical activity could make it plummet.

“He thought getting me off the ranch would help, you know, so I wouldn’t feel compelled to do more than I should. Suggesting that I go live with Aunt Mary and Barb was his way of making sure I was always looked after.”

Pressure built up in Levi’s chest. He knew that well, too. Darren had made him promise not to interfere with Carrie’s going to live with her aunts, so she could attend college. He’d made him swear on his honor as a man, a Haywood, and a future marine that he’d let Carrie go. He looked away from her, watched the mesmerizing emptiness of the flames as they danced.

“But then I fell. Hit my head on the sidewalk and detached my right retina. The doctors tried to fix it, but the blood vessels in my eye were already damaged from the diabetes and it never healed properly.”

Her lower lip tucked beneath her top teeth as she squeezed his fingers. “They’re giving me another six months before I won’t be able to drive anymore. I’m going to be impaired enough that it will completely change my life, Levi.”

It made sense now why she’d been asking him about his own recovery. She’d always had an independent streak, with enough willfulness to make the devil pull his hair out. She was adaptable, strong. The naked fear in her tone suggested that none of those traits were holding her up through this. Being lost, not knowing how to navigate the changes or the mental games they played, caused a consuming kind of fear.

He knew well.

“If you haven’t told your dad, who is helping you through this?” He flipped her hand palm-up and placed a kiss in the center.

“He and my aunts know I hit my head, but I didn’t tell them about my vision. I’ve been in denial about it until recently.”

“Denial is vicious and it will tear you down. Let me help you, Sunshine.” He kissed her wrist, pausing to feel the slight pound of her pulse beneath the tender skin. No matter what, she was vital, alive, her soul as beautiful as ever. The physical didn’t matter as long as she kept her spirit.

“I have to go back, Levi,” she whispered. A sob bubbled from her throat. “Don’t you see? Once I can’t drive, I lose my independence. Out here, there’s nothing. No bus, no subway. No work, nothing. I’ll be trapped. At least in the city, I can get around. I can… I can still
live
.”

With a gentle yank, he pulled her into his arms. She shifted her hips to accommodate the movement, nearly settling onto his lap. Each second, each word from her mouth punctuated his desire, his need to have her stay. He despised desperation, especially when he had no concrete solution to offer her. He could provide for her, sure, but beyond that, how could he make sure the ranch didn’t become her prison?

“Don’t talk about leaving. Not when I just got you back.” He tipped her head, the silky, damp mass of her hair cascading over his hands.

“I hated how you left me,” she blurted. “I would have waited for you, gone with you anywhere.”

Levi wanted to turn in on himself and shield her from the pain he’d caused. But he’d resolved to man-up a long, long time ago, and he was going to own the past for what it was—the past—and do what he needed to for what lay ahead.

“I’m sorry.” He cupped her face “I. Am. Sorry.”

Everything he’d buried ripped to the surface, emotions so strong they clogged his throat and beat his heart with raging fists. Torn between old anger and the desperate need for her acceptance, Levi rained kisses over her cheeks, the bridge of her nose, lingered over the corner of her mouth.

Carrie gripped his wrists, her voice a broken sob. “I missed you.”

Levi swallowed hard, kissed her harder. “God, Carrie, I missed you, too.”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner you were leaving?”

Levi slid his hands down her sides and gripped her hips. He leaned his forehead against hers. “Because if you’d begged me to take you with me, I would have. And I couldn’t do that. I promised your father.”

“What?”

He wiped her tears with the slide of a thumb, feeling like she was crying for the both of them. “I couldn’t take you away from the safety of your family. I knew Darren hoped you’d go to Wyoming. I’d be gone for months while you waited at the military base, away from everyone. I couldn’t do it, Carrie.”

Twenty was young enough to still be selfish, but old enough to be understand that he needed to look out for her and not just himself.

“As much as I loved you, wanted you, I couldn’t wrap my head around any reason being good enough for that, Carrie. I would have worried about you every second, and what…what kind of life would that have been for two kids like us?”

Maybe Darren had recognized the restlessness, the yawning ache inside Levi that needed to be quenched. Going into the marines was his one chance to experience life away from the ranch—to spread his wings and figure out what he really wanted from life. Despite all the pain it had caused Carrie and him, he wouldn’t change it. Leaving Paint River had turned a restless kid into a man who knew the importance of the land, of growing roots.

He knew now that he wanted his feet on Montana soil until the day they dug a hole and put him in it.

“Don’t be mad at your father. He’s a smart man, though I didn’t like him much when he strong-armed me into giving you up. At that time, it was the right thing to do.”

She pulled back, her brow furrowed into soft lines. “What pisses me off is that the two of you took it upon yourselves to keep
me
out of the discussion. Do you know how many times I’ve had decisions made for me, as if diabetes has somehow made me mentally incapable?” Carrie moved to get up, but Levi wrapped his arms around her.