Casting Down Imaginations (3 page)

“When are
you going to come back home?” Kevin asked.

“I don’t
know, Kevin. Probably Christmas.”

“Christmas?
Dang, that’s a long time!”

I
laughed. He’d asked me that same question over and over again for the past two
weeks. I guess he was hoping my answer would change, because I always got the
same response from him.

“There
you two are.”

Kevin and
I looked up to see Daddy standing at the door.

“Kevin, I
told you to keep her from packing, not help her!” he joked through a smile.

“Sorry,
Daddy,” Kevin said.

Daddy
walked over and patted Kevin on the head, then sat down on the corner of the
bed.

“Are you
going to be able to fit all of these clothes in your suitcases?” Daddy asked.
“You know the most you can have on the bus is three.”

I looked
at the clothes on the bed. “No, but I’m going to fit in as many as possible.
What I can’t take with me I’m giving away.”

“Okay,”
he said. “If you insist.”

I opened
one of the garbage bags and began to stuff it with the folded clothes that I
decided to give away.

Daddy
smiled at me. “My baby girl is about to go to college.”

He must
have been reading my thoughts. I smiled back at him.

“Don’t
you start crying on me now, Daddy,” I warned. We had a joke going on about
which one of us would cry first. Neither one of us would admit that we thought
the other would win.

“I’m not
going to cry,” he insisted. “But I know after you leave I will.”

“Karen
was crying this morning,” Kevin interjected.

Daddy’s
face lit up.

“No I
wasn’t,” I argued. “Kevin, what are you talking about?”

“At
church,” he answered. “When y’all were in the front. You were crying, I saw
it!”

Daddy and
I laughed, realizing that he was referring to earlier this morning when the
church handed Anaya and I our scholarships and we said our good-byes to the
congregation.

“That
doesn’t count, Kevin,” I told him. “We’re talking about which one of us will
cry first when we have to leave
each other
.”

“You
did,” Kevin insisted. “I saw you crying Karen. Daddy, you won.”

I decided
to let it go. Some things were left better that way, and I could see that in
Kevin’s heart he knew and understood what he saw.

“You need
me to help you pack?” Daddy asked.

He wanted
to spend some extra time with me, too. Daddy never even packed his own clothes
when he had somewhere to go. There was no way he really wanted to help me.

“No,
Daddy, that’s okay. I think Kevin’s doing a good enough job helping me out.”

Kevin
looked up from his work to show all of his pearly whites.

“Are you
sure?” Daddy asked.

I thought
about it. “Well, if you want you can move all of this furniture down to the
basement for me. That stuff is heavy. I know I won’t be able to move it by
myself.”

A blank
look came over his face. “What are you talking about? Who said anything about
moving furniture?”

“Mama
did,” Kevin answered.

Daddy’s
eyes went from me to Kevin, then back to me. “Are you serious?” he mouthed in
my direction, not letting his voice carry out for Kevin to hear.

“She said
she wanted the room completely bare by the time I leave in the morning. I know
I’m not getting up at the crack of dawn to move all this stuff downstairs, so I
was gonna get it done tonight.”

He
chuckled in disbelief. “But where are you going to sleep if you do that?”

I
shrugged my shoulders. “Well, I was just going to put some blankets down and
sleep on the floor.”

Kevin
jumped up. “Oohh, can I come? We can pretend like we’re camping!”

“No,”
Daddy said sternly. “Kevin, you will be sleeping in your bed, and Karen, you
will be sleeping in yours.”

Kevin sat
back down. We both knew when our parents were serious. They didn’t know it yet,
but Kevin was starting to pick up on all of the fights they’d been having, even
though the rest of us pretended that everything was fine in front of him.

“That’s
just what she said, Daddy,” I told him. “You know me. I’m not trying to start
any trouble.”

“No, no,
no,” he said to me, standing up. “Don’t worry about your mama. I’ll take care
of her.”

I didn’t
smile, but I wanted to so bad. I loved it when Daddy took up for me. He was my
protection; my knight in shining armor, coming to save the day… And my back
from sleeping on that hard floor.

“I’ll
help you pack, okay?” he said.

I nodded
as he leaned over and kissed me on my forehead. I was going to miss him so
much. My daddy was the business!

He walked
over to the other side of my bed and began to fold a pile of T-shirts and put
them in one of the suitcases. He stopped after two, just like I thought he
would.

“Let’s
pray, baby,” he said to me.

Kevin
jumped up and ran over to us, grabbing us by the hands. “I want to, too.”

“You
will,” Daddy told him. “We’re gonna pray for your sister, okay? She’s about to
leave tomorrow and we won’t see her for a long time. We’re going to pray that
the Lord keep her and protect her and bring her back home safely to us, and
that while she’s away she’ll learn a lot of things and become an even better
person. Okay?”

Kevin
nodded and smiled at me, already having faith that God was going to do
everything Daddy just said. I smiled to myself, grateful to My Heavenly Father
above for allowing me to have two such special people in my life who loved me
enough to pray for me. I am truly blessed.

three

KAREN

“Come on
Karen, you’re gonna be late!” Daddy called from downstairs.

“I’m
coming!” I yelled back.

I always
waited until the last minute to pack. I should have just left everything in my
bags when the school called and said there had been a mix up with the dorm
rooms and that I didn’t have one anymore. The good news was that I would be
staying in the school hotel free of charge until things could get straightened
out. I saw it as an opportunity to spend more time with my family before I
left, so I stayed a few more days. I took Kevin to the park and to a movie, and
then Daddy and I went to dinner last night. I hadn’t realized how much I had
taken out of my suitcases until this morning when I was trying to get
everything back in them.

Kevin
burst through the door and jumped on top of me.

“Kevin!”
I rebuked him, but laughed anyway. “Not now little brother, I have to finish
packing. Daddy’s gonna be mad at me.”

“He’s
waiting on you at the bottom of the stairs. He says hurry up.”

I
stuffed the last shirt inside of the suitcase and squeezed the zipper shut.
Kevin stopped me.

“I don’t
want to you go, Karen. Can’t you just stay one more day, please?”

Water
began to tear in my eyes. “Come on now, Kevin, we’ve been through this. I have
to go to school.” I moved him aside and dragged the last suitcase to the door.

“I hear
them fighting,” he whispered.

I turned
back to see him sitting on the bed with his head down. We always heard Mama and
Daddy fighting, even though in front of us they pretended that everything was
okay. It was beginning to take a toll on Kevin. He was too young to know
anything about a dysfunctional home, but he did.

I walked
over and gave him a hug. “It’ll be ok,” I told him. “I tell you what. Daddy has
my new cell phone number. Anytime you want to call me, no matter how late it
is, you can, okay?”

He
nodded. It wasn’t what he wanted, but it was all I could do at the moment.

“Kevin!”
Mama called from downstairs. “Come on baby, you gotta go to school!”

Kevin
looked up at me, crying unashamed. “I don’t want you to go.”

I kissed
him on the cheek. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

He
sighed, then wiped his eyes. “I gotta go.”

I gave
him another hug and wiped my own tears away. “You be good, okay,” I told him.
“Don’t get into any trouble, and do as Mama and Daddy tell you.”

He
nodded, and then got up to leave, his head still down. I felt my heart
breaking.

“Kevin,”
I called after him.

He
turned around.

“I love
you, little brother.”

He
smiled as much as he could, then walked out of the room.

I got
back up and dragged the suitcase down to the end of the hall. Mama was probably
getting ready to come up next to say good-bye to me. I’d thought about how we
would say good-bye to each other all night. Would I hug her? Would I kiss her?
Somehow I had to find a way to tell her that I loved her, and that I
appreciated everything that she ever did for me. I’d tell her I was sorry about
all of the bad times and would vow to her not to ever bring any of it up again
if she didn’t. We could both just pretend the bad stuff never happened. Maybe I
would come back home one weekend before Christmas and the two of us would just
hang out, just us two. Or maybe she could come up and give me a visit. I’ll
find the best spa in Daytown and we could stay there all day getting massages
and facials and pedicures—

SLAM!

Was that
the front door?

I rushed
down the stairs. No one was in the living room. Kevin was gone.

I
checked the kitchen. Empty.

Then I
heard the garage door opening.

No…she
couldn’t be leaving! We didn’t get to say good-bye yet! I had to tell her about
all of the plans I made and how I didn’t care about what happened before, she
was still my mother and I loved her regardless.

I ran to
the living room window and pulled the curtains back. Mama’s truck was backing
out of the driveway onto the street. She stopped to turn her wheels and then
drove off down the street.

My mouth
gaped open. She didn’t even say good-bye. She didn’t want to.

I turned
around to see Daddy standing in the doorway of the family room. He knew my
heart was broken, and he knew why.

“Daddy!”
the little girl in me cried out. I ran to him, wrapped my arms around him, and
buried my face into his neck. Water and snot ran out of my face and onto his
clothes, but neither one of us cared.

“Why
does she hate me so much?” I wanted to know. I could hardly breathe.

I
couldn’t understand how the woman he was married to could possibly pose as my
mother. She was too cold and too uncaring to be called a mother of anything.
She treated her plants better than she treated me.

“Ssshh,”
he tried to soothe me.

I just
cried harder. Each memory of her cruelness to me sent shockwaves through my
entire world. Daddy held me in his arms and rocked me back and forth, patting
my hair as I unleashed the past two years of pain onto his shirt.

“It’s
gonna be alright, baby,” he told me.

I
sniffled and cried some more before I finally stopped and wiped my face.

“You
okay?” Daddy asked.

I
nodded, my eyes burning from the mascara. “Yeah, just let me go wash my face.”

I went
into my room and retrieved my make-up pouch from my purse and went into the bathroom.
I gasped at my reflection in the mirror. I was so prepped and neat when I left
this room thirty minutes ago. All it took was one mean act to send my
appearance to total disarray.

Daddy
tapped on the door. “You’re not gonna be in there for another hour are you?” he
asked.

I
giggled. “No, Daddy. I should only be a few.”

He
opened the door and walked inside. “Can I come in?”

Relieved
that I wasn’t on the toilet, I gestured for him to have a seat. He obliged.

“Karen,”
he started. “I know it may not seem like it, but your mother really does love
you.”

I felt
the sting of more tears coming to my eyes. Just when I thought I was all cried
out, more spilled onto my cheeks.

“She’s
just been having a hard time lately, baby, that’s all,” he tried to explain.

“Lately?”
I asked. “Since when is two years lately, Daddy?”

He
looked at the floor. “I’m not trying to bring up your past, Karen…”

“It’s
okay, Daddy. Go on ahead and say what you have to say.”

“When
you came to your mother and told her that you were pregnant, she didn’t know
how to handle it.”

I
winced, remembering her harsh words, but held my head up as he continued to
talk.

“She was
devastated. Her baby girl that she raised the best way that she knew how turned
her back on her.”

“Daddy,
that was a long time ago. Why can’t she forgive me?”

He
sighed. “I don’t know, baby. I’m just telling you that it takes time to heal
broken hearts. But she’ll come around. Just don’t give up on her. Keep loving
her, keep praying for her. She’ll come back.”

He stood
up and kissed my forehead. “Hurry up. You got a bus to catch, and I don’t want
you blaming me for getting to school late.”

I nodded
as he walked out of the room. It was funny. Even through all of the drama that
woman has put me through, I would still rather be home and suffer through her
madness if it meant being with my Daddy.

**********

When we
backed out of the driveway and on to the street, neither one of us said a word.
I watched the house through the passenger side window until I could no longer
stretch my neck in its direction. I was going to miss that house. For the past
five years it was what I had called home.

I
remember when we first moved in. For years Daddy and Mama had been saving up to
buy it. One day my parents got tired of being in debt, so they sold the house
they were previously mortgaging and rented a home until they had enough to buy
a new home cash. I heard so many silly rumors. People said Daddy did everything
from selling drugs to being a pimp, all because they saw him prospering and
didn’t understand how God was blessing him and not them. If they kept their
mouths off of him, they probably would have been blessed in that way, too. So
many people would ask us for money, thinking that we were rich, and when we
couldn’t give it to them they would get mad and call us stuck up. But nobody
knows about the nights when we sat at the dinner table eating peanut butter and
jelly for breakfast, lunch, and dinner because it was all we had left to eat. I
know that some have their opinions about me too, but I refuse to let anyone
make me feel bad because my Daddy likes to keep me looking nice.

“You can
start crying, now. It’s okay.” Daddy said once we were on the highway headed
for the bus stop.

I
smacked my lips. “Stop it, Daddy. I’m not going to cry.”

Truthfully,
I did want to cry. I was beginning to realize that my life was about to change.
I didn’t know all of the changes that I was about to go through, but I knew
that things would never be the same. I was going to be on my own for the first
time in my life. It was scary, but it was my time and I had to go.

The car
was slowing down. I looked over at Daddy to see what was wrong. His eyes were
red. I saw a tear coming down his cheek and another one about to fall.

“Oh,
Daddy,” I said, and put my face in my hands. He was crying for me, and I began
to cry for him. Just seeing him emotional was enough to send my emotions
cascading all over again.

“I’m
going to miss you baby,” he told me, his voice cracking before he finally
cleared his throat.

“I’m
gonna miss you too,” I managed to express to him. My throat  and my chest were
tight. “I don’t have to go if you don’t want me to.”

He
paused. “You gotta go, baby.”

I knew I
did. But I wanted to take Daddy with me. Kevin needed him, though. And Mama, I
guess.

We rode
in more silence until he began to talk again.

“I
remember when your mama found out she was pregnant with you,” he told me. “She
was so happy.”

I’d
heard this story before, but was glad to hear it again.

“You
know, they told your mama she wouldn’t be able to have any children. But we
prayed and God gave us you and Kevin. Y’all are our babies. You acted like you
didn’t want to come out. You were three weeks overdue. But you finally came
out, big as you wanted to be. Nine pounds, good Lawdy!”

I
pinched Daddy on his arm. “Don’t make fun of me!”

He
laughed. “But you were so beautiful. And you loved to get into my shoes. You
couldn’t even walk yet, but you would crawl in the closet and manage to put
your little feet into my shoes.”

A grin
came across my face, remembering that story, too.

“I’m so
proud of you, baby,” he told me.

“Thank
you, Daddy.”

“Now
when you get up there to this school, there’s gonna be a lot of stuff going on
that you’re not going to be used to. People are going to be running around
committing all kinds of sin. But you stay focused, okay?”

I
nodded.

“You’re
gonna meet some guys, and they’re gonna be slick,” he warned me. “Don’t let
them deceive you out of your virtue with their good looks and their charm. You
better stay in prayer, because you will be tempted to go against what you
believe in. These are going to be men, not those scrawny little high school
boys that you used to be crazy about.”