Chasing After Infinity (36 page)

It was never up to me to love Adrian. But it was up to me to decide what to do with it.

***

Later, when the tears have dried out, we sit on the beach for hours in utter silence. Waves crash into the sand, pulling yielding sand in and out. I sit there, feeling as if this moment will be an eternity.

The sun casts warm glowing light over our faces, the sunset a soft hue of reddish gold like the sky is crying gold all over us. I’ve pulled my knees to my chest, resting my chin on there, feeling like I’ve gone back to the past. Adrian has closed his eyes.

Memories well up to the surface.

I look back to the roiling dark blue gray water--the only thing that never changes.

 
Adrian seems to recognize where my thoughts are heading.

"Are you going in?" He asks me after a pause.

I try to answer honestly. "The water's cold. Besides, I don't know if I'm ready."

"Don't think." Adrian holds out his hand. "I'm going to be with you."

I take it and he
interweaves our fingers tighter.

The feeling gives way to something raw and gritty, a swirling tide of emotions.

Dizziness threatens to take me under but against everything, I decide to go along with
it. The water is freezing
and it splashes against my legs as we wade farther into the ocean.

He holds my hand tightly in his as we swim out into infinity. And I know, from somewhere deep inside, that he’s not going to let me go.
Ever.