Chasing After Infinity (31 page)

It was him who suggested the idea first and I decided to go along with it because the ocean sings to me, beckons me over with an open hand. The dimming sun drenches us with sunshine as we skitter to the edge of the water.

Adrian takes off his leather jacket, until he’s only in a white long sleeve shirt. He gives me a grin as I
dip
my boot into the water until it’s
up to my ankles. The soft drawing waves overlap over my feet, as I twirl in the water, smiling.

He wades to me, smiling wickedly, shivering slightly as the wind blows across us. The exuberant dark blue ocean fans out under me, the deep waves sifting through. The eyes of the ocean beckon to me, its calm waters stretching out into infinity. My face is lifted skyward, letting the sun pour warmth onto my skin and wash away what is there. This is what I feel.
The cool, slightly icy water lapping against me as I pull into the water until it’s got me waist-deep, grains of sand still sticking onto my boots.
It’s freezing as the water licks against my jacket but I feel refreshed.

The lack of feeling from the cold water is soothing. But when I’m in the sea, all of my past pain dissolves away until all there’s left is a numbing sensation.

The salty air wafts around me; I close my eyes and just breathe in.

Then I feel Adrian’s hand grab mine tightly and I hold on as he runs deeper, farther into the cold water, taking me with him, both of us stumbling over each other, yelling and laughing.

When I glance back at him, a half-smile poised on my lips, I can’t look away. The white shirt that he’s wearing is soaked through, revealing his toned hard lower stomach. The muscles are rippled and he comes closer until his arms are around me, holding me to his chest.

I breathe in his spiced and sea salt scent, closing my eyes. The rush that comes along with being held by him is something I can’t describe. His lips graze my hair and I exhale.

I lift my eyes to his lustrous green eyes, him locking me with his gaze.

The feeling of adrenaline is exhilarating and I have to bite back a gasp.

Our mouths just a breath away from each other, my lashes almost brushing his cheek, I feel like I can’t breathe. But he still doesn’t kiss me. Instead, he laughs and takes a step back, splashing me.

“Hey!” I yell. Our earlier awkward moment is broken. My hair is now dripping with seawater.

I splash him back but he ducks under and I chase him deeper into the water until it’s almost chest-deep. He turns and taunts me with his usual smirk.

“You can’t get me.”

“We’ll see about that.”

I creep up to him and finally just as he turns around, I lean over to kiss him. He holds my face but before my lips meet his, I jump back and splash him, a great big tide surging over his body.

He curses and his shirt is fully drenched now. I stifle a laugh and biting my lip, I wade away from him and into the deeper waters where the magnetic forces call to me. My boots are filled with thick water now.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Adrian calls out teasingly.

“Away from you,” I reply, grinning.

I swim to the farthest rock I can see in the rough outcrop and the waves flip and
flop
me over slightly but I hold on.

“Hey, come here,” I yell to Adrian, waving him over as he comes nearer, wading. “
It’s
fun, you get to ride the surfs.”

The wind whips into my skin and my teeth chatters but in a good way. I’m used to the freezing iciness of the water and I laugh, surprised, as another tide threatens to bowel me over.

“Come back,” Adrian says, beckoning me to him, his eyes filled with apprehension. “The waves get kind of rough at these times.
Especially at high tide season.”

Trepidation settles into me as the earlier high and adrenaline rush dissolves. I realize that this is getting dangerous. I start to wade back to him but another huge dark wave knocks into me as I start to swim. This time, I get a jug of freezing seawater into my mouth and I choke.

“
Avena
!”

I see Adrian coming over to me, his movements fast and swift but before he can get to me, an enormous tidal wave surges up. My mouth caught in an open yell, I try to duck under, but the wave immediately crashes into me, overwhelming me, and dragging me under. Bubbles fill up my sight and my head is underwater, the icy dark blue water enveloping my face.

I try to surface, as I hold my breath, my heart nearly exploding in fear but another tide sweeps me over. This time, the force of the wave sends me colliding against a hard and jagged object.

Dizzy and disoriented, blackness temporarily flashes before my eyes and I feel pain at the base of my skull, pounding. Screams form on my lips but only bubbles come out.

The water slams me under and I can’t breathe.
Can’t breathe.
I struggle, hard, to reach the surface, kicking my legs, but the numbing effect of the water has dulled my senses and all energy has left from my body.

Then I’m jerked back up and gasping, I finally break the surface. Cold air rushes into my lungs and coughing and wheezing, I try to expel the seawater from my throat. I’m being dragged by the arm to the shore where I tumble to the shoreline.

“
Avena
!”
Adrian’s face is above mine, his voice tight and gasping. “
Avena
, can you hear me?” He grips my face and tries to shake me.

His eyes are completely filled with raw panic and he blanches, his face gone white as bone. I try to say the words but only more water is thrown up. His hands are shaking as they hold my face, relief in
every carve
of his body as all tension goes out once he realizes I’m breathing.

I’m crying now, stupid useless tears that well up nevertheless from the earlier shock, and Adrian crushes me to his chest, pressing his lips to my gashed forehead.

“You scared me there,” he whispers into my hair, his voice cracking. “I thought I was going to lose you.”

I start to shake uncontrollably from the cold and he wraps his jacket around me, trying to rub some warmth into my aching bones. He touches the back of my head and when he pulls his hand away, there’s a small stain of blood.

 
“You must’ve hit your head on a piece of rock.”

He holds me tighter and I sink into him, resting my face into the crook of his neck. I say nothing. Then the anger comes in.

His green eyes turn dark.

“If you do something stupid like that again, I'm not going after you,” Adrian says, pushing me away, his voice suddenly rough. “I mean it.”

I get up shakily, still clutching his jacket tight around me as he stalks towards the car.

chapter

***

The next day, I wake up with a pounding headache and a sore throat. I can barely get up from the bed but I hobble to the ground and slip my jeans on. Wobbling downstairs, I settle down in the kitchen with a bowl of cold cereal. As the milk go down, my throat tightens and I cough. I rummage in the cupboards and drawers until I find an Advil pill and swallow it down.

Going to school in a haze, I rush to my first class which is calculus just as Mrs.
Henridge
calls out names to check attendance. I settle into my seat but don’t find Adrian anywhere in the class. As Mrs.
Henridge
lectures us on maxima and minima but instead of listening, I keep on replaying the scene from last night in my head. I can’t shake it away.

The ice cold water suffocating me, Adrian’s pale face as he shakes me, the naked emotion in his low voice. And as I lie under him, I feel so safe and calm as if affinity has numbed my senses.

As soon as class is over, I start to search for him. In the sea of faces and bodies in the hall, I feel lost. Finally, I know where he is. Turning the corner into the southern wing and going downstairs, I end up bursting through the back door of the school.

My guess is right. Adrian leans against the brick wall, smoking furiously, his eyes gazing straight ahead. His hair is mussed, and he looks like he hasn’t slept but spent the entire night smoking, his eyes tired looking and slightly red.

The fading sunlight is pale and the air is sharp and dry like winter. I stand frozen as I watch him until he looks up, noticing my eyes on him. He doesn’t even look surprised.

“Hey.” His green eyes are unnerving as I walk closer to him.

All I want him to do is just hold me tight. But by the way he’s looking at me warily; I know that he’s not going to move towards me. Rather, his whole posture is tense and rigid as if he can’t move a single muscle.

“I knew you were going to be here,” I say, struggling to keep my voice even.

“Really?”
His lips curve up and he looks away, his smile forced and sardonic. I swallow, my words lodged in my throat. I want to talk to him, really talk to him about yesterday night but both of us are stiff.

Something about him is cold and distant and my throat feels constricted. As we regard each other, I feel like I want to break the sudden silence.

“What’s wrong?” The words are slipping out and I curse myself for sounding so weak.

His thumbs are hooked in his belt loops but I can tell that his fingers are tense and his shoulders rigid under the shirt. He stares at me, green orbs narrowed. Then he speaks and all the tension is in his voice.

 
“Nothing.
Why? Is there something wrong?” He’s looking at me intently, his eyes burning like emerald flames. He holds the end of his cigarette, stubbing it out.

We both know he’s lying.

“Stop doing that,” I say. “Don’t.”

Adrian says nothing, looking away. He’s keeping me at a distance.

“Why are you pushing me away now?” I whisper, my hands balled up.

I come closer to him until our faces almost touch.

As quick as a flash, Adrian puts me up against the side of the building. My back hits the wall hard, enough to make my ears ring. His body pushes into mine, trapping me between his hands and the bricks. His breathing is uneven, his light breath stirring my hair.

I wait for the eventual kiss, the moment where his lips meet mine hard and rough but he doesn’t do anything.

A lump is in my throat. “Either kiss me or let me go,” I
say,
my voice angry.

“I--” Adrian makes a low sound in the back of his throat and his eyes look conflicted as he struggles to keep his composure.

Then I snap. “One minute we’re together and the next you’re distant and pushing me away. I just don’t understand you! What’s your problem?” I start to scream at him, trying to hit him but he restrains me.

Then I fall limp as I stare into his burning eyes. “All those times, did you feel anything?”

He doesn’t answer me and I tear myself out of his arms.

My anger is bubbling under the surface.

I’m sick of being yanked around in this tug of war of feelings.

Adrian never felt the same way. It was entirely my fault I’d grown too attached.

I walk away. It’s the only thing I can do.

“
Avena
,” he whispers.

I can’t let myself turn back. If I turn back, I know I’d break. So I just keep on going, walking faster and jerkier until I break into a run. He doesn’t run after me

I leave him there, surrounded by broken dreams and broken hopes.

chapter
twenty-four

ADRIAN

I try to avoid
Avena
as much as possible throughout the day and I’ve stopped going to the beach. The only times I see her are in calculus class where we sit as far away from each other as possible and the still silence of the class masks our strain. I see her brush hair out of her eyes and chew the tip of her pencil and I have to look away before the churning inside starts.

As I’m walking to the biology lab, I hear my name being called. “Wait up!”

I instinctively turn and find Valerie walking towards me from behind, her hand waving, glossy lips smiling. Her blond hair is hanging loosely around her shoulders and as usual, she looks impeccable with her carefully applied makeup. I let her catch up to me.

I try to smile. “Hey, what’s up?” I say, casting a questioning look at her as we start to walk.