Choices (20 page)

“Laurel, oh my God! Are you sick?” Bonnie scrutinized me with her eagle eyes and scanned me from head to toe. I felt as if I had my own personal MRI performed. I had to laugh at that one. Kristy came to sit beside me now and took both my hands in hers and started to cry with me.

“Now, you know how this works. You cry, I cry. Honey, we love you, what is going on? We want to help. We can’t help you…”

“I’m having an affair and I am desperately in love with him.”

Kristy kept right on talking as though I hadn’t even spoken, Joni dropped her glass and Bonnie quickly left the room to return with vodka and shot glasses.

“Wow, I didn’t see that one coming”
Joni sighed.

“Okay, girls, forget the pretty drinks, it’s time for the hard shit.” Bonnie took everyone’s martini glasses
, except Kristy’s virgin drink and replaced them with shot glasses. Kristy still continued to cry.

“Laurel, I don’t understand. Does Paul know? Who is it? When did all this happen? Is that why I haven’t seen you for most of the summer?” Her
hands tightened around mine and she looked at me questioningly, searching for answers.

“Please, tell me what’s going on? I know you’ve been lonely
and frustrated but I didn’t think you would have an affair. You’re so loyal.” She shook her head and in doing so shook loose her tears too.

“Hmmm…frustrated
and
lonely
and
an alcoholic husband to boot, gee, I don’t know Kristy that sounds like a winning combination for having an affair if you ask me. A girl can only take
so
much.” Joni emphasized her words and downed her shot in one short slug.

“
No one is asking you, Joni, hush! Spill, Laurel.” Bonnie gave me my shot glass but I left it on the coffee table.

“I guess I’ll start with how amazing he is. He’s beautiful, smart, funny, creative and oh, so loving but I think really what caught me off guard was how much he fe
lt for me. Brandon doesn’t...”

“OH. MY. GOD. Brandon? Jo’s Brandon?” She gasped.

“Wait! The hottie from the sunroom. That hottie?” Joni clapped her hands.

“Laurel.” Bonnie looked and me reprovingly and I nodded yes.
“Laurel, you’re old enough to be his mother and not to mention, you know his mother, very well.” Kristy looked as though she was going to throw up and Joni gave me the thumbs up and Bonnie seemed a little ruffled too.

“Yeah, I know!” I groaned but continued. “It was nothing I ever imagined would happen. It wasn’t anything I was looking for. Brandon is very forceful for someone so young and determined. He said he set his eyes on me at his graduation party and that was it! He wanted me and nothing was going to stop him. I was so overwhelmed at first and fought it but he can be very persuasive and persistent.
He literally swept me off my feet. Corny, I know, isn’t it but gosh it is true.” I sighed as I wiped away fresh tears from my overflowing eyes.

“Were you with him that weekend you called me to cover for you
?” Kristy asked still wiping tears from her eyes as well.

“Yes, that was our first time together at the beach in Assa
teague. It was beautiful. Nothing I’ve ever experienced before. The depth of his love knows no bounds. Jo has done a remarkable job raising him. I still can’t believe he loves me.  I’ve been with him every minute I could steal away.” I sighed again at the memories. Everyone was speechless for a moment. I was collecting myself for the onslaught of questions.

“Okay, the sex with a twenty two year old must be amazing.” Joni offered to lighten the load in the room.

“Really, Joni, sex is the only question you can come up with right now.” Bonnie tsked her lips and teeth.

“Damn straight! And you better start spilling too, missy!” God, I love Joni for telling it like it is and trying to find the humor in anything overwhelming or devastating.

“Well, a good girl never kisses and tells.” I laughed.

“Shit, where do you see a good girl?”
Joni chuckled.

We all laughed at that one.

“Really, Laurel, what are you going to do?” Bonnie asked and sat down on the floor. “It’s obvious you have true feelings for him, you look like hell, so it must be eating at you.”

“Does Paul or the kids know?” Kristy asked still crying and taking a shot glass to her lips.

“What the fuck, Kristy, are you crazy! My God what did you do forget you’re pregnant.” I took the glass from her shaking hand.

“Boy
, I could use a drink right now myself, here have one for me.” She handed me the shot glass.

“No, thanks, I’ll pass too.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do. All I know is that I love him. I love him desperately and I know he loves me.”

“What could you possibly have in common with him being so young?” Ah, the voice of reason, Bonnie.

“It’s not an issue of what we have in common, but more of the simple fact he loves me, values me and actually wants to be with me. He’s not a drunken fool all the time. I believe him because he could have anyone. You’ve seen him, Kristy. He really wants me and only me - a forty year old nurse and mother of three. Can you imagine? Believe me I couldn’t for the longest time until a few nights ago when he completely shattered all my defenses. That’s when I knew I was in deep, way too deep.” Again, everyone was speechless.

“Honey, you’ve been so loyal for so long, really no
one is going to blame you for having an affair. I can only imagine how difficult it must be living with Paul and all his nonsense. But is this what you really want? Do you really want to throw away sixteen years of marriage because of some hot sex?” Bonnie shrugged and refilled my glass with water.

“Bonnie, I understand what you’re saying and your concern but you don’t understand the connection I have with Brandon. You don’t understand how tired I am, how discouraged and disappointed I am that Paul doesn’t love me or his children enough to want to get sober. I’m done trying. I’m done being loyal
. I want to live with someone who takes care of me too. You have no idea how exhausting it is caring for Paul, tiptoeing around his drunkenness, making excuses for the children and our families. You don’t have that type of relationship with George. George is so together and focused and it’s obvious he loves you and cares for you and the boys. It’s exhausting and I don’t want to do it anymore. I…I just can’t.”  I cried even harder now.

“I know, honey, I know. It’s been tough but how can you give up on your husband, how can you abandon him when he needs you the most. You took vows, Laurel?” Bonnie was shaking her head and refilling her glass.

“Who the hell are you to judge me? Where do you get off thinking you know what’s going on in my relationship with my husband! You’ve seen him at parties. Would you stand for that? Would stand to have George paw and embarrass you the way Paul does?  I don’t even go with him anymore to parties and when I do it’s to make sure he doesn’t make some sort of pass at someone else’s wife thinking it’s me. I can’t protect him anymore especially when he flat out refuses to admit he has a problem. Why suddenly is that my burden? Brandon is making me realize everything I’m missing in an adult relationship. And I want it! I want what he’s giving me! Not Paul. Not anymore. I think you should just take your well spoken wisdom and shove it right up your pretentious asshole Bonnie.” I was screaming now and she threw her drink in my face.

Joni shot to her feet and handed me a towel she quickly grabbed from the kitchen, “Okay, bitches, ding, ding. Round one is over
; everyone back to their neutral corners.” She pushed Bonnie into the loveseat behind her and Kristy was crying softly.

“Stop, can we please stop hurting each other.” She pleaded and went to stand in front of the floor to ceil
ing windows in the family room that overlooked the greenest backyard you could ever envy from across your picket white fence. Everything was quiet, too quiet. We were all lost in our own ruminations when I spoke up to break the tension.

“Yes, to answer your question, Joni, the sex is fanfuckingtastic
but, not because he’s so young and virile but because it’s Brandon; Brandon, who’s not afraid of anything, who makes me feel alive, cherished, valued and most importantly loved. I love who I am when I’m with him. I don’t like who I am when I’m with Paul and I can totally see the difference now. When I’m with Brandon, I’m relaxed and not anxious and know that my needs will be met and that I’ve made a connection with someone who wants to share and not run and hide. When I’m with Paul, I feel empty, used up, a nag and a bitch, always complaining, always struggling to make him talk and open up. I don’t want to live like that anymore.” Silence. The silence was so loud it was palpable and sucked all the air right out of the room and so thick you could cut it with a knife. Joni suddenly jumped up and hugged me.

“Okay, then, that answers my question. Listen, Laurel, I just want what is best for you. I want you to be happy. I want you to do something for yourself.
You are always giving to others, your time, and your love. If this love you share with Brandon is what you want, then I say go for it and don’t look back. Life is too short. If this is what you truly and deeply want then do it, with no regrets. Grab life by the balls and hold on.” Joni hugged me again and helped me smile through my tears.

“C’mon Joni it’s not that simple or black an
d white!” Again, the voice of reason, Bonnie spoke.

“What are you going to tell the kids and Paul? When are you going to tell them
? How are you going to tell them? They’ll be so upset.” Kristy was still crying.

“Whoa, hold on ladies! I’m still just coming to grips with my feelings for Brandon and his for me. He’s told me he loved me but I haven’t returned the sentiment yet because I didn’t want to jinx it. After our night together a few nights ago, I’ve come unglued. He’s all I think about, all I crave and all I dream about. It doesn’t feel like a passing fling but, you’re right Bonnie, he is young and I don’t want him to throw away his life for me although really I don’t think he sees it that way. I’m torn. But, I haven’t even crossed the bridge yet about telling Paul and the kids. I haven’t even discussed anything with Brandon. I’ve just been so sick and upset these past couple
of days. I probably shouldn’t have said anything to you but, I can’t contain my feelings anymore. Look, I’m sorry I need to go. I need to talk to Brandon, please don’t call Paul. I’ll be home shortly and don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. Thanks for listening to me and I’m sorry I blurted and ran. I…I just need to see him.” With that I ran out the door, cell phone in hand and already dialing Brandon.

When I think of the word grit one thing comes to mind, my neighbor Sharon. True Grit. She has to be one of the most fabulous nurses I’ve ever met, not to mention she puts my mothering abilities to shame every stinking time I see her. Her patience is bar none. I don’t know how she does it and does it with a dance in h
er step and a smile on her face and in her moss green eyes and pure gratitude every step of the way! Life hasn’t been easy for Sharon either. That’s what I love about all my friends. Life isn’t easy, it isn’t pretty and sometimes it just smells like shit but each one gets herself up and makes the most of every day granted to them. Sharon is no exception, in fact, she wrote the book on how to be grateful, patient and hopeful. Sharon is my neighbor, but you know that already; and she is divorced with a very sick child and you know that too; but what you didn’t know was she used to be a topless dancer to get herself through nursing school and raise two babies when her Shithead of a husband left her one day while going out for cigarettes. Again with the cigarettes! Just left and never, ever came back! Grit, I tell you, grit! Sharon needed money and fast. She was already thinking about going to nursing school when Shithead left. Now, she needed to do it even more. How to pay for it, you ask? Well, the quickest and most efficient way - topless dancing. She made great money. Sharon has a smoking hot body with pale Irish skin and long sleek, straight black hair and back then I’m sure she was even hotter. She went to school during the day and at night danced on the tables. I am woman, hear me roar! I don’t know how or when or if at all she slept. She worked like a dog, got her degree, took care of her babies and landed a job at Collier County Hospital. She worked in labor and delivery. Sharon had some really sweet stories to tell and one story in particular that was heartbreaking.

We were sitting outside one fall evening and Sharon came over with baby monitor in tow for a glass of wine. She had just put the kids to bed and the night nurse was on duty. We sat outside on the back deck and watched the sunset and marveled over the huge hole in the ground that would one day be my pool. Something was bugging her, I could tell.

“Damn, Laurel, that’s one huge ass hole. Aren’t you afraid the kids are going to fall in, like in the movie Poltergeist? You know, “the swimming pool, the swimming pool.” She laughed and took a sip of her wine.

“Oh, shut up, g
eez, that movie gave me nightmares for weeks, thanks for the thought.” I shuddered under my blankets.

Quiet.

More quiet.

“Sharon, honey, what’s up?”