Choices (23 page)

“We didn’t travel up to see my grandparents too much. My mom said it hurt
too much to be reminded of Robbie everywhere she turned, so my grandparents traveled to see us a lot. We were a typical family; just missing a dad.”  I hugged him closer, tighter and was enjoying the sensations that his body was starting to awaken inside mine again. I decided to give up. What did I really want to know? What did I really want to gain? I was beginning to realize my time with him was slipping through my fingers like sand in an hourglass. He wasn’t going to be mine; not now or forever. Ours wasn’t going to be a happy ending. There was just too much at stake; too much pain, too much heartache, too many lies. I only wanted Brandon and everything he had to offer me; right here in this precious, life affirming moment.  I wasn’t interested in the past, the future. Isn’t that what Brandon taught me; live for right now, no regrets. I wanted to live for right now, here and now - our warm bodies intertwined, our biology mixing and creating a new life; sadly a life he or I would maybe never know.

Laurel’s Journal

Well, what do you do now, Laurel? I have a lot to think about especially since yesterday’s revelations. I have some serious choices to make. Do I protect the ones I love? Or do I live my life for just my own selfish reasons? I thought things were supposed to be easier the older you grew. What’s that saying, “You plan and God laughs.” How appropriate is that! I was starting to come to terms with my situation and actually allowing myself the freedom to hope and believe that there was true and pure happiness for me at this age. My visitor changed those thoughts and feelings. Right now, I’m back to square one and a lot of indecision. Do I have the strength to stop one of the most powerful forces in life? I’m going to need to channel the most effective means of communication and pray that God isn’t laughing at me now and maybe he will help me with my plans.

“Hello.”

“Good morning. I need to make an appointment.”

“Are you a new patient?”

“No.”

“Name, please.”

“Laurel Brittingham.”

“Why, Mrs. Brittingham, we haven’t seen you in a while.”

“How are you?”

“I’m fine, thank you.”

“I have Thursday, two weeks from now.”

“That’s fine. I’ll take it.”

Step one was under way. Will I be able to go through with step two?

I was at the grocery store with all three kids when I ran into Jo’s mother, Brandon’s grandmother, Henrietta. I looked at her differently this time - more like searching, inspecting. She looked at me oddly too, as if she was figuring out if I knew what she knew, measuring me, weighing her options, her words. It was all just too much. It gave me the creeps and I shivered. Of course, everyone was showing their true colors and I had just about had it.

“Laurel, sweetie, is that you?”

“Why, yes, Mrs. Phillips, it is. How are you?” I managed to be cordial, even give her a hug.

“Oh, dear, I’m fine. How are you? I see you have your hands full
. Aren’t they fun to shop with, especially those newborn babies, they can be so difficult and cumbersome, especially for a woman of your age.” She flapped a hand at me. “Oh, listen to me. You don’t need to worry about schlepping a newborn around these days do you Laurel?” She raised an eyebrow at me and I shivered!
For the love of all that’s holy, could she possibly know too?

“Yes, Ma’am. I
wouldn’t have it any other way and no, I don’t need to worry about schlepping around a newborn. That ship has sailed.” I said icily.

“Jo has been asking about
you since she left for Florida just a few days ago.”

“She has? How has she been?”

“Jo’s a survivor, she’s a fighter, but you knew that already.”
She narrowed her eyes, measuring me again.

“Yes, I know that about Jo.”
I narrowed my eyes right back.

“She’s always had her family’s best interests at heart. She would do anything to protect them, but you know that too.”
Henrietta nodded and I found myself nodding along with her.

“I think any mother would go to any extreme to protect
her family. Wouldn’t you agree, dear?” She mused almost to herself. “True, but, you need to let go. It’s hard. They need to grow up and make their own mistakes. You will find that out soon enough, dear. Oh, my. Your natives are getting restless. I enjoyed chatting with you. Come and see me and we’ll chat some more. Goodbye.” And she was off before I could blink.

“Goodbye, Mrs. Phillips.” I said to the air, feeling confused and frustrated. 
What the hell was that all about?

The summer was dwindling and I knew my time with the kids, my home and Brandon were at a premium. Just when you think you have things figured out life throws you a curveball.

Appointment day is here. The kids were over at Kristy’s. She seems to be handling the news much better and she is absolutely glowing with pregnancy. I, however, am far from glowing. I didn’t sleep the night before - tossing and turning from my indecision. Really, the most effective sleeping pill is peace of mind, which I am far from acquiring. I’m still not sure I’ve made the right choice.  The two most power filled words in the English language are “I Can.” I’m constantly telling my kids that they can do anything they set their minds too. Why, then do I feel as though all my joints have become unhinged and the ground underneath my feet has given way. I took a deep breath, okay, two deep breaths and stepped inside the office.

“Hello, Mrs. Brittingham. How are you today?”

“Hi Stella. I’m fine. Is Dr. Campbell ready?”

“Just a few more minutes and she should be out to take you back soon. Just have a se
at and make yourself comfortable. It should only be a few more minutes.”

“Thanks.”

Yeah, make myself comfortable. I can just about keep my skin on my muscles and bones and Stella’s telling me to make myself comfortable.

“Mrs. Brittingham, Dr. Campbell will see you now.”

“Oh, thanks. Where should I go first
- the office or the exam room?”

“Dr. Campbell would like to speak with you first so please follow me to her office.”

“Laurel. It’s good to see you. You look well. How are you feeling? Please sit down.”

“Thank you. I’m nervous.”

“I’m sure you are.
Do you have any other questions?”

“No. I think we’ve covered everything.
”

“Are you sure? You can always change your mind.”

“No, I’m ready.”

“Well, then, let’s not hesitate. The nurse will show you to the procedure room and she will get you sett
led there. I’ll be in shortly.”

“Mrs. Brittingham, follow me please.”

I stood up silently and followed the nurse with the ridiculously happy smile plastered to her face to the procedure room.
What the hell was she so happy about?
“Procedure room.” The name made my stomach heave and swirl.
How did this happen? Oh, I know how it happened! No condom, remember, idiot!
I knew I was in very capable, strong hands with Dr. Campbell. She was in her sixties and still just as spry and sharp and as beautiful as any college intern. She had long, graceful fingers attached to efficient hands. Her warm and caring blue eyes were comforting and trustworthy. I felt safe and comfortable with her. She wasn’t one to mince words - direct and to the point. I only saw her get angry once during an office visit at the hospital when a new young intern was wrecking havoc with another patient of hers. “Damn, young, fool idiot.” She spit out before she turned her attention to me. Only then did her eyes darken and her blonde head shook with fury. It reminded me to stay on her good side. I don’t think she was a woman to cross.

“Please remove everything and place them in this locker here. I will give you a hospital gown and you can change in the bathroom. Do you have any questions?”
Miss shiny happy nurse said.

“No.”

“Alright, then. Just get changed and the doctor will be in shortly.”

I shook my head to acknowledge her words because I don’t think I could form any more words. My brain and my body now seemed disconnected. My body was doing what it needed to do but it wasn’t getting the messages from
my
brain. It seemed as though my body had a life of its own, its own mission, and a mission separate from my heart.  My heart was breaking, shattering into pieces. I could actually hear the fissures forming.  I was dressed in the fashionable hospital gown and now seated on the exam table in the procedure room.
God, I hope she doesn’t take forever. How many jagged pieces can my heart break into?
It was so quiet, each crushing, painstaking minute weighing on my lungs and chest like a corset filled with iron. The only sound I heard was the clock ticking in time to my fracturing heart. Each tock was one more painful, fault line rupturing. I truly understood then and there what it meant to die of a broken heart.  I rustled the paper backing on the exam table and nearly jumped off the table the noise was so loud. My heart was actually trying desperately to find a new place to live and breathe. It wasn’t going to survive this choice. It wasn’t going to remain whole and healthy. It was making a last desperate attempt to appeal to the body and remind it of its shared happiness and fulfillment.
Should I bolt? No, I promised my visitor. It wouldn’t be for the right reasons.  The ugliest trait a person can have is selfishness and the greatest loss is self respect. I would be ashamed of myself if I changed my mind now, but maybe…maybe, there’s a way...

“Laurel, it’s Dr. Campbell. Are you ready?

“Yes, Dr. Campbell, please come in.”

“Are you alright? You seem upset? Are you sure you’re ready? It’s a difficult decision. If you want to go and talk to Paul about it some more, you have time, about a week, that’s all, but it’s still more time.” She stood before me, warm and comforting hands placed on my shoulders.

“
NO!” I shouted. She raised her eyebrows. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to shout.”

“That’s alright Laurel. It’s difficult being forty and facing an unplanned pregnancy. It’s almost as difficult as an unwed teenager’s unplanned pregnancy.” She smiled reassuringly
and patted my hand.
Jesus was I like an open book! Does everyone know what’s going on with me? Yes, Laurel, you are like an open book. You never could hide your emotions.

“Yes, you’re right it is difficult at any age but no, I don’t need anymore time. P
lease let’s get this over with before I pass out.” I shifted my body into position.

“
Okay, then. Lay back Laurel and place your feet into the stirrups. That’s it. Now, inch down until your bottom is at the end of the table. Very good. Now I need you to relax your legs, spread your knees apart and breathe deeply. I will explain everything as I go. Any time you need a minute just let me know. If for whatever reason you change your mind, just let me know. Once you hear the whir of the machine there is no turning back. I won’t be able to stop then. Do you understand?” I nodded.

“Now, I’m going to inject you with an anesthetic. You’ll feel a big pinch. Take a deep breathe. Okay, Laure
l, you still with me?” I nodded again, thinking…whir…machine.

“Okay, now I’m going to insert the speculum. You’re going to fee
l some pressure. Good thing you’re numb now, isn’t it Laurel? No one likes that instrument.
Christ I’m ready to kill an unborn child, Brandon’s child and she’s cracking jokes.
“Now that it is inserted I’m going to insert a large instrument to help hold your cervix steady and open. You are going to feel more pressure now.” She patted my knee. “Just relax. You are doing great.”

Again, no words
were able to escape the disconnect that was going on inside my brain. I could only nod.

Relax. HA! That’s a laugh! I think if she touched me anywhere else right now, my body would snap like a rubber band!

”Okay, good Laurel, you’re doing well. I’m going to insert the tube and nozzle. You will feel a pinch and even more pressure. Once the tube and nozzle are inserted properly, I will turn the machine on. Are you still with me?” I couldn’t do anything but stare at her as though she were speaking Chinese.

“What did you say?”

“Once the tube and nozzle are inserted I will turn the machine on.”

”Right. Tube. Nozzle. The machine will turn on.”

“Laurel?”

“Yes. I’m okay. Is everything in place?”

“Yes, Laurel, everything is ready. I’m just starting to prepare the vacuum.

“Vacuum?” I whispered hoarsely through choked tears.

Vacuum
? Vacuum? OH. MY.GOD. WAIT! WAIT I need a minute. Why isn’t she stopping? Didn’t she hear me? I can’t suck Brandon’s life force out of me. I CAN’T DO IT!! DO YOU HEAR ME? I CAN’T DO IT!! STOP!! Why isn’t she stopping? Dr. Campbell? Dr. Campbell?