Choices (22 page)

“I don’t care. I just want you safe. In fact I want you here with me all night.” His arms circled my waist and pulled me closer. His desire was beginning to make itself known.

“If I don’t go now, I’ll never get out of here.”

“Well, that’s the point.” He breathed into my ear. I extricated myself from his hug with some difficulty and I quickly got dressed and promised him that I would call tomorrow.

“Really, Brandon, don’t worry. I’m fine.”

“I love you
, Laurel.” He looked so concerned and so happy all at the same time.

I entered his condo desperate to find
him. I left his condo just as desperately but for different reasons.

I stopped at CVS before I went home and purchased what I knew I needed to purchase. The last time I took one of these tests, it was six years ago. Times certainly have changed. They have fancy little sticks now that actually spell out the damn words for you Pregnant – Not Pregnant.  My hands were sweating and shaking, my stomach churned, my throat started to burn and bite back bile. I thought I was going to get sick again, in the middle of the aisle at CVS but, the thought of having to clean up the vomit from the floor was enough for me to hold it together. I dropped the stick twice because my hands were shaking so bad and then started crying.

When I returned to the car,
I called Bonnie’s house knowing they would all still be there and in shock too. I reassured the girls that I was okay and headed home and thanked them for letting me confide in them. I got home and the kids were already asleep and Paul was finishing his packing for the latest trip.

“Hey, sweetie, how was girls night in?”
He slurred his words ever so slightly that the average person wouldn’t have even noticed that he was drunk but living with the man for almost twenty years I could certainly tell by the way he absent mindedly threw some shirts in the suitcase and swayed ever so slightly. He was such a professional, functioning, alcoholic, though, that he recovered in the blink of an eye and I’ll say it again, the average person wouldn’t have even noticed the tell tale signs, only his disaffected, empty wife could tell.

“It was great as usual. The girls say hi and that they don’t get to see you enough.
Are the kids asleep?”

“
S’yep. I’m gettin’ ready to turn in myself when I’ms finished here.  Early flight tomorrow, ya know. I’ll just move my things out of the way so yous can crawl into bed. You look tired.” He hiccupped.

“I am tired. I will go to sleep now, if you don’t mind.”

“Not at all. ‘Night.”

“Goodnight, Paul.”

He was gone by 7 am the next morning and the room already reeked of alcohol.

A few days later I had an unexpected visitor.

My visitor was incredibly upset. I was incredibly upset. There were a lot of things said. A lot I didn’t want to hear. What was all this nonsense about anyway? I can’t even wrap my brain around it. Words, my visitor was shouting words, words like whore and shame; words that spoke of destruction of his soul if he knew the truth.  The words were coming so fast they weren’t making any sense. Words that hurt and called me vile, disgusting things that should make me think twice about a relationship with Brandon. The shame of carrying on with a boy who was young enough to be my own son should be enough motivation to make me send him away before he gets hurt. I was told to think of my children, the ones I had with my husband. Husband, remember him? The next words were crushing. He had to go to New York. I had to let him go to protect him. They just streamed together, flowed out of my visitor’s mouth and hung in the air as if I was supposed to grasp them and swallow them and digest them. They were my visitor’s words, not mine. I wasn’t going to eat them and make them a part of me.  I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I didn’t want to hear them or see them swirling around in the air above me. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow them, not me. They were vile, disgusting words nothing I wanted to be a part of. How could this be happening? Why is my visitor doing this to me? What a monster. I just want Brandon, and only Brandon, nothing of this nonsense. Once my visitor finished, I had no choice, though.  I had to do what I was told. If I loved him I had to.

I went back to see Brandon the next day. Cheerleading camp started so I had time until three and Jake was situated at Aunt Kristy’s. Today’s visit felt like a fact finding mission. I felt like a spy. I didn’t like it, not one single bit but I had to find out the truth. I had to see if my visitor was lying or just being down right evil. I forced down those feelings of deception. I was starting to compare myself to my visitor. No, I wasn’t like her, not by a long shot.

“Oh, hey, I was so worried about you.” He enveloped me in all his softness, sureness and strength. I bit back tears that stung at my eyes and threatened to run wild.

“Are you feeling better?” Those eyes, those smoky blue hypnotic eyes
- they make me weak and strong all at the same time. What a high, what an incredible feeling.

“Yes. I’m fine. I told you it was just due to the strength of my convictions.”

“Well, good, now are you strong enough for a replay of last night.”

I really didn’t have much choice. I could never refuse Brandon
; I never wanted to either. He swept me up and onto the counter in the kitchen.

“Mmm…you always taste so good to me. You smell good too. What is that coconut and lime together.
”

I laughed. “I’m making coconut lime chicken for dinner.”

“That’s a great combination for you, keep wearing it.” He brushed his lips ever so gently across my jaw, down my neck and across my collar bone. His fingers were following his lips and his touch left a wave of desire, heat and fire that was not going to be sated with just one time.

“Laurel, I can never get enough of you. Never.”

“Good, that’s what I want to hear.” I could do better than that.

I stopped him from what he was doing with his hands around and below my waist before I completely surrendered to the heat and fire. I held his face in my hands and I looked deeply into those hypnotic pools of blue.

“Brandon, I can never, ever get enough of
you
! I’ve never felt so alive and whole as I do when I’m with you. I love you fiercely and I will keep loving you no matter what.” He froze.

“You what?” He smiled.

“You heard me.” I smiled back.

“Um, no I don’t think I did. Say it again.” He smiled even brighter this time and stroked my lips. “C’mon it’s right there on the tips of those honey lips.” He kissed me. “There does that fortify you.”

“Yes, it does.” I looked at him seriously and held his face in my hands, traced the outline of his jaw, his cheek, and his eyebrows, grabbed a handful of his white Hanes T-shirt and wrapped my bare legs around his jeans. “Brandon, I love you. I wanted to tell you last night but I couldn’t” He let out a whoop and scooped me up and swung me around the kitchen and plopped me back on the counter.

“I knew you loved me! I knew it! I knew you wanted to tell me last night. I don’t care when you told me I just care
that
you told me. Now, what’s this business about you’ll keep loving me no matter what? That sounds scary.” He backed away from me quickly leaving me cold and wanting.

“What? Do you not want to see me anymore?”
He almost had tears in his eyes.

“Not see you anymore? Are you crazy?”
I jumped off the counter and into his warm embrace again.

“Whew, that’s better. Don’t scare me like that, okay.”
He started to undress me and I stopped him.

“I’m sorry. I just meant to say that nothing was ever going to keep us apart. I’m yours. Always!”
I said as I backed him into the bedroom this time.

“I don’t want something on the counter. I want all of you next to me, beside me, in me. I want to feel you all over me. Everywhere.”

There was nothing left to say. Our bodies said it all.

We feel asleep and woke to the mid afternoon sun warming our backs. Brandon got up to fix us something to eat. For once, I didn’t feel like eating anything. King Cobra was on call and ready to strike. My stomach is so sensitive, even as a kid. I nicknamed my roiling tummy King Cobra because I could feel my stomach coil like a snake’s body would coil when it was ready to strike. It was definitely ready to strike now. I was running out of time and I knew it. I didn’t want to ask him anything. I just wanted to be here in this moment, in this pure unadulterated, ecstatic moment of sheer bliss. I didn’t want to dredge up the past, especially if he wasn’t freely talking about it. Yet, I had to. I had to find out if my visitor was telling the truth. I refused to believe the story.

“You’re not eating again, Laurel. Are your strength of convictions overcoming you again? Do you need mouth to mouth?  I can provide the service
- free of charge.” He grinned that lopsided grin that just made all those muscles that were so lusciously worked out, clench again in anticipation.

“Hmm
…what a tempting offer. I’ll take a quick mouth to mouth.” I leaned over and kissed him so delicately so as not to awake a sleeping, sated beast.

“No, really, I’m just not hungry. I wanted to talk to you. You know I really don’t know what life was like for you growing up with Jo. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Sure. I just never brought it up because I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, since you have a history with my mom.”

“Well, it looks like now…I have a history with you. So, I think I’m okay with it. Tell me, Brandon. Tell me everything about your childhood. I want to know everything about you.” King Cobra was poised, ready for the onslaught of nerves and fear and sickness. I talked him down and reminded him I was doing this for Brandon as much for myself.

“What do you want to know?” He shrugged and sat down next to me on the bed. It was hard to concentrate, seeing him all gloriously manly.

“Was it hard not having a dad around?”

“Yeah. It was, at times, but my mother never let me out of her sight. She was always with me, still is, so much so, I actually didn’t have the space too often to even wish for a dad. She always kept me busy. Early on though she was so protective, never really letting me play sports until the day I ended up in the hospital. I told you about that, right and the heart thing.” He was relaxed, I was tense and unsure.

“Hey, why so far away from me, come closer.”

I scooted closer and asked another question.

“Do you know anything about your father?”

“No. You probably know more than I do. You knew him right?”

“Robbie O’Connor,
yeah, I knew Robbie.”

“Well, why don’t
you
tell
me
about him?”

I hesitated. This was getting awkward.

“Hey, you don’t have to talk about it. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. You know, I probably do know the same as you do. It’s not as if Jo never talked about him. She loved him. She talked about him a lot. She was heartbroken. I never understood why he ran away. I couldn’t imagine doing that to a girl you loved and someone who was carrying your baby.”

I swallowed hard. The lump in my throat just wouldn’t cooperate
- it just wouldn’t go down.

“Well, I don’t know anything other than how he
was when he was eighteen. Robbie was a sweetheart-gentle, kind, funny and he loved your mother Brandon, he really did.”

“Oh, that’s such a crock of shit.”

Easy, easy. He doesn’t know.

“Truly, he did love your mother and she was crazy about him-crazy-like mad crazy love. Their love was the kind that didn’t make any sense, the kind where you just let your heart go and didn’t ask any questions. Almost like what you and I have. Ours doesn’t make any sense either and I wouldn’t trade it for anything that did.”

“Laurel, don’t ever compare what we share with what my parents shared. EVER!” He was angry now, his eyes flashing dark, dark blue. He jumped out of bed.

“He was cruel! I’m not like him.”
I rushed to his side enveloped him in my arms and pulled him back to the warm safety of the bed.

“No, you aren’t like him. I know that. You would never leave me especially with a baby. I know. I was just stating that we weren’t or aren’t the only two people who share something so magical words can’t explain it.” I shuddered and he wrapped his arms around me tighter.

“What was it like as a kid with Jo? Did your grandparents come to visit? Did you go up to see them?”

“It was fun living with Jo, when she wasn’t so overprotective
- which wasn’t too often. She’s really creative, my mom. I’m really proud of her. She’s built that jewelry store of hers through sweat, tears, blood and sacrifice. She taught me the meaning of work ethic, honesty, how to treat a woman and if nothing else the importance of love and how powerful it is.” His eyes gleamed when he spoke about his mother. Honesty, I snorted at that one.