Choices (26 page)

I rubbed my stomach again. Dr. Campbell reminded me there would be residual cramping especially after an examination. I stretched again and crawled back into bed trying to convince myself I had made the right choice
, that I was satisfied and that I did have peace of mind. I slowly drifted off to sleep thinking only time will tell.

Paul was not happy with my terms of the divorce. I’m playing hardball now- supervised visitation until he admits he has a problem and gets help. I told my lawyer about his drinking.
The children stay with me and I keep the house. I told Paul that he could see the children whenever he wanted – I just had to be present too or a court appointed supervisor. His response of course was to tell me, “Yeah, thanks Laurel, just cut my balls off now why don’t you!” My response, “Either that or go to AA and get sober.” He punched himself out of the chair and slammed the office door after he stormed through it.

The children, well, they are hurting, especially the little ones. It’s so hard for them to understand, but they are coping and time will heal all wounds, or so I like to believe.

Vanessa, well, she’s another story. I can’t quite talk to her yet, she doesn’t even want to be in the same room with me. I just give her the space she needs and pray that one day, she’ll understand and forgive me.

As for
me, well, things are a little harder. These past three months have been the hardest of my entire life, trying to keep up appearances, explaining our appearances, trying to live a normal, productive life. Basically, lying through my tangled web made of silk and steel. Brandon moved on to New York. I received a news clipping in the mail. It was a picture of Brandon with a young petite, pretty blonde girl. They were obviously just married. Well, if that wasn’t a sucker punch out of nowhere then I don’t know what was! I didn’t think it was possible that my heart could smash into any more obscure little pieces. I only got as far as her first name, Beth.  I wanted the ground to swallow me whole.

I’m still struggling to figure where to put all my feelings concerning my friends, especially Joni, Marc, Kristy and Mitch.
My neighbor, Sharon, again moved away, without saying goodbye. I’ve really kept a low profile and I think my friends are okay with that considering the circumstances.  I’ve withdrawn. They think it’s because I’m trying to heal through the divorce. Little do they know really. It’s hardest for Kristy though. She doesn’t give up too easily and we have such a history. She planned this surprise trip for me and the gal-pals.

“Hey, doll, guess what?” She gushed.

“Hey, honey, how are you and what am I guessing about?” I asked tiredly.

“We are going to New York for the day to see a show, shop, have lunch and dinner. My treat okay, don’t say no.”

“Kristy, do you really want to do that in your condition and does it have to be New York?”  I almost felt like crying.

“Oh, please, condition, what am I dying?
Laurel, really what are the chances? C’mon, I’m so worried about you, please, let’s have some fun, before we shrivel up and die.” She begged. It’s so hard to say no to Kristy when she begs. She did have a point. I also remember someone else saying something about living life to the fullest. It’s just really hard right now.

“Okay, okay, I’ll go.” I was whipped. She had me by the tail.

“When do we go?”

“Next week.”

“All of us?”

“All of us.”

Next week came pretty quick. We took a bus trip
and you know what, it felt really good to laugh, again. I did a lot of that with Brandon, not so much now that he’s gone. We had so much fun. It was a beautiful fall day, right before Thanksgiving. The air was crisp, clean clear and the sky oh, that sky, you know the one. The kind of sky that reminded you your guardian angels did exist and was on duty. We laughed so hard when Kristy could barely fit into the bus seat thanks to the girth of carrying that sixth baby. I was beginning to relax and enjoy myself and just to live in the moment and take it for what it was worth; a moment in time to be treasured and cherished. Something else he taught me.

We got off the bus and decided to get our tickets and then eat some lunch. We laughed and drank our way through lunch. Life was good, this time was precious, and my friends are amazing. It was getting late and it was time to head toward the theater. The girls and I split the bill and made our way to the theater. We were standing in line, laughing, being goofy as only good girlfriends can be when I saw something bright and dazzling catch my eye up ahead in line; that hair, something about that hair, made the hairs on the back of my neck stand at attention. My heart froze, my breathing got shallow, and King Cobr
a was engaging. My head started swimming, my thoughts were blurry. I had to physically hold onto Bonnie standing next to me, not so much to steady myself but to prevent me from running and knocking down the woman who had her hand entwined in that head of hair. Something I had done so many times before. Tears, the tears were rolling freely now down my face, hard, fresh and fast ruining all the hard work from this morning’s makeup session.

“Laurel, honey, what’s wrong” Bonnie asked as she tried to pry herself from under my vise
-like grip.

“Laurel, are you okay?” Joni now spoke up.

I turned toward Kristy and choked back a scream.

“Kristy, he can’t see me! I can’t see him! And…
and…” I was starting to hyperventilate. “Pull yourself together, breathe, Laurel.” It sounded like Bonnie.  He just can’t see me, not like this, not like this.” I managed to hold my scream inside and I placed my hands over my swollen, protruding, secret to protect myself.

The people up ahead must have heard our commotion because they were starting to turn around.

NO! NO! Please, don’t turn around. Don’t look at me.
Yet, I was hoping against hope that he would.

Our eyes locked onto one another and his moment of recognition was just as profound as mine
; just as painful; just as deep. I didn’t have to see it. I could feel it. In that moment, in that painful, ecstatic moment of recognition that flashed across his face, when his puzzle pieces were clicking together and his brain was registering what was happening, when he looked at me with surprise and confusion and dare, I say, hope all I could see was his death; the death of the life he once knew and understood and believed to be his truth because now that I saw him after months of yearning and dreaming of him and my hands rested on my secret, I knew with absolute certainty that I wouldn’t be able to stay away.

The line started moving quickly, the sun was hot
suddenly for fall, his stare was even hotter and my mind was whirling. I had turned my body quickly into Kristy so he wouldn’t see me full frontal.

“Laurel, Oh My God, Laurel, is that you?” He whispered and tried to turn me to face him by gently placing a very large and warm hand on my shoulder. A hand I grew so accustomed to that I knew by heart
its weight, feel and even smell. A hand that instantaneously brought back a rush of memories I tried frantically to forget and within a spilt second all came rushing back to me with tidal wave force and almost knocked me off my feet. If it weren’t for Kristy and Joni holding onto me I certainly would have been kissing the sidewalk. I looked at him over my shoulder through lashes that were beginning to stick with unshed tears.

“Hello Brandon.” I managed to ch
oke out through the massive ice lump in my throat. King Cobra was roiling again too, just great!

“Brandon! Brandon!”  A woman’s voice screeched.

“Oh My God, she’s fainted!” Another voice called.

“Someone call 911!”

Brandon quickly turned his gaze away from mine and focused on the woman who fainted, who was obviously his wife, Beth.

“Laurel, I’m so sorry. I have to go!” He moved with such alacrity that I ha
d to tell myself that yes he did really stand beside me with his hand on my shoulder.

Kind and caring bystanders had shifted Beth out of the hot sun and placed her in the shade of the box office. Security had roped off the area while they were waiting for the ambulance. The line started moving and people were being ushered into the theater.

“It’s alright, people. She’s breathing, she’ll be fine, just keep moving please.”

“Laurel, Laurel, look at me, now!” Kristy shook my shoulders and forced me to look into her eyes.

“Just breathe, baby, just breathe” Bonnie rubbed
my back and Joni had rummaged through her bag for some crumpled up tissues.

“Here
.” She shoved them into my face. “Look they’re even clean. A little worse for wear but clean nonetheless. Look not even slightly sticky or snotty. Good God Laurel, now I know what you’ve been talking about. He’s gorgeous!”

“
Jesus, Joni, not now! Do you really think that’s helping? But, yeah, I have to agree with you, he is pretty fabulous and your quick tissue extraction is even more impressive, Joni.” Bonnie quipped. “I absolutely shiver to think what’s inside your bag.”

“HMPH!
” Joni snorted.

“See, I’m not the only one who thinks he’s to die for, right?” Joni nudged Bonnie who nudged her back.

“Thanks, ladies. I know you’re really just trying to distract me and get me to laugh.” I croaked.

“Is it working?” Joni asked. I nodded no and hugged her.

“Uh, you don’t look okay; in fact you look like you’re going to pass out.” Bonnie quickly forced her way to the front of the line, intent on getting to the box office as expediently as possible,  towing me behind her and Joni and Kristy quickly following.

“Oh, shit, I know that look!” Joni swallowed audibly.

“Ah, now be careful, Bonnie, I really wanted to see this show.” Joni cringed as she started to follow.

Dragging me along we reached the front of the line while bystanders were yelling foul obscenities to all of us for cutting to the front of the line.

Joni’s response, “Yeah, same to your mother!”

Kristy apologized as we moved along. Me? I was just grateful I had such loving supportive friends.

“Excuse me. We have another emergency here! I’m sure you understand.” Bonnie apologized to the woman standing at the front of the line. Have you ever heard the expression, ‘if looks could kill’ ‘nuff said!

“
Listen; here are all of our tickets.” Bonnie shoved them into the hand of the man in the box office.

“My friend
s are in delicate conditions and if you want another two more females passing out on your sidewalk because your theater company is too damn cheap to provide adequate shelter from the elements then I suggest you quickly admit us into the theater so we can get a seat in the ladies room, warm them up and get them something to drink. Why are you staring at me, let us pass! NOW!” Damn, you have to love Bonnie when she gets her feathers ruffled!

“Don’t let me stop you
!” The box office attendant even called another attendant to personally escort us to the ladies room.

I couldn’t even look at Brandon or his wife. Wife! UGGHH! It made me feel even more lightheaded just thinking about that inopportune fact.
She’s probably fainted because she’s pregnant too!
That thought sent shivers down my spine and I really did need to purge what was in my stomach now. If Brandon only knew! Two kids for the price of one! Oh, goodie gum drops!
You wanted a family, Brandon, now you’ll have so many you won’t know what to do with them.

“Hey guys, are we close to the bathroom, I’m not going to make...The escort showed me to the ladies room just in the nick of time. I barely had enough time to get into the stall and close the door.

Kristy opened the door and was behind me smoothing back my hair and murmuring in my ear, “It’s alright, sweetheart, you’re going to be okay, just try to relax.”

“Yeah, what happens in New
York stays in New York!” Joni giggled.

“Very funny.” Bonnie whacked her shoulder.

“C’mon, I’m just trying to lighten the mood. Laurel must be hurting so much right now. I can’t even begin to fathom what’s going through her head.” Joni sighed and leaned into the stall too.

“You okay, honey?” She asked tentatively.

I stood up and turned around, wiped my mouth, blew my nose with some toilet paper and hugged each one of my dearest friends fiercely as if my life depended on it.

“Thank you and I’m sorry you had to take care of me like that.
Look at you, Kristy, six months pregnant with your own baby and you’re still worried about me. I feel like such an idiot and it makes me love all the more. You’re always thinking of others -always.” I looked at them sheepishly through wet lashes.

“Sorry!? Honey, are you crazy? What do you need to be sorry about
and feeling like an idiot?” Kristy enveloped me in her arms and rubbed my back.

“Listen, we’ll leave and go home.” Kristy started to gather up our things and proceed for the door. The others were ready to follow suit.