Choices (28 page)

“Hey, you three are so loud. Can’t a pregnant girl get a little shut eye?”
I yawned and rubbed my scratchy, tear prickly eyes.

“Hi sleeping beauty, did you get a good rest?” Kristy asked while she patted my hand.

“Yes, I did until I heard all the squawking. What’s up? Bonnie why do you look like the bus just ran over your best friend?” I asked while trying to make the blood flow into my toes again and readjust my ever expanding midsection. You think I would be used to this by now. I’ve had enough practice.

“Hmm? What? I look like what? Oh, nothing. I’m just worried about you honey, that’s all. Are you alright?” She asked with her eyes narrowing and brows creased together with Joni eagerly looking at her too for more information than she was offering up.
Kristy just sighed, wrung her hands together and changed the subject.

“Laurel, you really would have enjoy
ed the show. Jarrod Spector was phenomenal. The whole cast was. Its music makes you want to get up and dance. As my mother would have said, ‘There is no better music than music from the 50s. Everything else is just rubbish, rubbish!’  We all giggled at that. Kristy’s mom is the quintessential June Cleaver and I love her to death - as much as my own mom who would have echoed her sentiments very loudly.

“I’m sure it was a great show. I know everyone who walked into the bathroom just gushed about it.” I glanced over at Bonnie who now looked incredibly pale and very distracted.
  “Bonnie, are
you
alright?” I asked while stretching across the aisle to put my hand on her pale, clammy forehead.  “You’re not hot, but you feel really clammy. What’s going on?” my voice laced with concern.

“Nothing, I’m fine. I’m just sick of riding this
bus; remind me, Kristy, that next time we’ll rent a limo or something.” She shifted in her seat and swatted Joni back into her seat.“Jeez, you’re invading my personal bubble, Joni, do you mind?” She huffed and Joni giggled.

“Of course, I do. C’mon, girl, out with it. Something’s up. You’re so easy to read and something’s written all over your face
it’s choking your windpipe. Spill.”

“Spill? The only thing that’s spilling is going to be my lunch if you don’t get out of my face and we don’t get off this horrid bus soon.” She leaned back into her chair and closed her eyes, her lips moving as if in silent meditation.

“Alright, alright. Don’t blow a gasket! But I’m not through with you yet, missy. I’m just letting you rest. For now.” Joni glared at her.

“Oh, thank the Lord for small favors.” Bonnie muttered with her eyes closed.

The girls across the aisle from Kristy and
me fell silent. I think Joni actually did dose for a bit and I believe Bonnie pretended to be asleep so as to avoid Joni interrogations. Her brows were still knitted together so tightly and the lines in her forehead looked as if they were etched in glass.

“Alright, now that the other two peanut gallery observers are quiet for the moment, how are you really?” Kristy turned to face my directly and stared intently into my eyes. God, s
he reminded me of Sr. Margaret Kelley from Holy Child Catholic School who put the fear of God into God himself when she entered a room, not to mention she caused me to pee my own pants on numerous occasions in second grade.

“Honestly?” I swallowed painfully.

“Honestly?” Kristy placed a hand on mine and squeezed ever so gently.

“I’m doing the best I can. I dream and think about him everyday, some days are better than others.”

“I’m assuming that this encounter today will not be a good memory?” Her own eyes shone with unshed tears

“You know, as usual, with me it’s complicated. I was so thrilled to see him.” I could feel my skin on my face heat and I’m sure I was blushing. “He looks just as marvelous as he always did, even when he was rushing to take care of his
… wife.” I choked on that word and I placed a hand on my belly to quiet King Cobra, now would not be a good time for him to make his presence known. “I’m so conflicted – it was fabulous to see him so much so that my arms were literally tingling and aching to hold him and then I wanted to entangle my hands in his hair and yank out every piece of it strand by strand.” My fingers were curling and my knuckles were turning white and I couldn’t stop the tears this time, not with Kristy. I just couldn’t.

“Shh…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Laurel. I didn’t mean to make you cry. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t internalizing everything.” She wrapped her arms around me and stroked my hair.

“Internalizing?”

“Yeah, internalizing. Listen, I know how you think. I know you’ve already walked down the well trodden path of ‘this is
my entire fault’ nonsense, like you always do. You take the world’s responsibility on your own shoulders. I’m sure you’ve already figured out in that self abusing way of thinking you so exasperatingly possess that because you’ve ruined your marriage to Paul, committed adultery, got pregnant, that somehow this pain you’re now experiencing is your own personal penance. Damn Catholics! If you’re not a good girl, God’s going to punish you!” She huffed and shifted in her seat and proceeded to let it rip!

I gaped at her like a fish out of water – opening and closing my mouth as if gasping for air or water, whichever way you wanted to look at it. Damn she knew me so well! I hated her and loved her for it all at the same time. Now, my tears were coursing down my cheeks large, hot and heavy, AGAIN!
Jesus am I ever going to stop crying!

“Yes, I do blame myself and all my stupid teenaged hormones that were flaring! I should have known better. I was a married woman and mother. What the hell was I thinking?
Oh wait! I know now! I wasn’t thinking!” I took a deep breathe and managed to conjure up some forbearance or I was going to end up in a puddle on the floor of the bus and that wouldn’t have been good. If I ruined any of Vanessa’s jewelry that I was wearing she’d speak even less than the few monosyllabic grunts I was currently receiving in the guise of mother-daughter communication tempered with hatred, resentment and maybe a little love.

             
“It just took so long to get pregnant with Jake and I needed help so I thought…” I held back a sob and looked out the window, took a deep breath and continued, “I just thought it wouldn’t happen that, I wouldn’t get pregnant.” I searched her eyes looking for understanding and acceptance.

“Okay, Laurel, I’ll tell you again for the thousandth time, because I love you and eventually this is going to settle inside that one track way of thinking
that your brain has established for yourself; that you didn’t do anything wrong except open up your heart. Not that opening up your heart is even wrong or punishable by God. You grabbed life by the balls and pulled as hard as you could. You took a chance Laurel at having the happiness you always craved, always deserved. I admire your courage, your strength. I don’t think I could have ever done that. You were fearless. You didn’t let your tainted experience of marriage with Paul stop you from taking a chance again. You made a choice Laurel- a choice to have a better life for yourself. You wanted a loving relationship, one that wasn’t one-sided but mutual and you know what Laurel, you got it and through no fault of your own or his, it just ended. Right? You’re not being punished for wanting to love and be loved. Because your love for Brandon is pure and untainted and unselfish you let him go. You let him walk away because you didn’t want him to be saddled with your kids and I know the age difference upset you terribly.” She paused, took my hand. “Like I said Laurel I don’t know if I could have the strength to do what you did and it galls me to death when I hear you say such stupid inane things such as you’re being punished for having the courage to make a choice to fall in love again after the selfish, addictive life you lived with Paul.”

I was sobbing and staring out the window now. I couldn’t even look at her. Jesus, she was right! She was right! I knew it in my heart I just needed my head to get the memo too for fuck’s sake! This time King Cobra
wasn’t going to be quieted and for the second time today, I got up, stumbled through bleary eyes and heaved my cookies all over the bathroom floor of the bus. If this baby gains any weight it will be a miracle!

After the horrible experience of cleaning up my own puke on a moving bus, I made my way back to my seat next to Kristy.

“Holy shit, you look even worse. I got up to help you but you were crying so loudly that you didn’t even hear me and I wasn’t going to open the door because with how big your butt is these days and how small those bathrooms are I thought the force of opening the door would catapult you right out the bathroom window.” She searched my eyes for signs of laughter. I burst out laughing. “Aw, you know with friends like you who needs enemies.”

“Seriously, are you okay?” Her eyes were imploring and she gazed intently at me from head to toe. “Because really I’m not. Jesus! You stink!” She held her nose.

“I’m so feelin’ the love right about now!” I squirmed back into my seat and glanced over at the other sleeping beauties
that were now catching flies.

“I
feel better now.”

“I didn’t mean to make you cry or get sick.”

“I know.”

“Do you want to talk
any more about him or do you want to rest?”

“Oh, I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”
              “I just had one question?”
              “Yeah, what’s that?”

“You never did tell me the story about his wife. Can you talk about it now?”

“There’s really not that much to tell. I received a news clipping in the mail of their wedding day. I don’t know who sent it to me. I don’t know if Brandon did, Paul or maybe even this Beth, but it was upsetting and quick. The kids were with me too when I opened the letter and it fell out. Brielle and Jake were so excited, ‘oh, look Mommy, Brandon got married! Vanessa just chuckled.

“Oh, only Vanessa still knows.”

“Yes, I begged her to not tell the other two and I promised that I would do it later.”

Kristy shook her head.
“God, Laurel, how were you able to keep your composure? I would have wanted to cry.”

“Oh, believe me I did and
later on I did.”

“Well, it’s obviously a rebound thing. Look how fast it happened. I mean, c’
mon, really who does that unless you want to forget the other person completely.”

“Now, I wonder if she’s pregnant too since she fainted outside the movie theater; oh, goody, something else to torture myself about.” I sighed heavily and rubbed the back of my neck.
              “Oh, shit, Laurel the thought didn’t even enter my mind but now that you mention it…well, girl there are lots of reasons why women faint... she’s a weak-ass bitch and can’t handle her periods or she’s a needy bitch and can’t stand the competition from a more sophisticated, elegant, graceful woman or my personal favorite…she’s injecting ‘roids to become a body builder and took too much this morning.” She was laughing so hard now that she woke up the other two.

“Okay, stop or now I’m going to pee myself and please I can’t clean up any more of my personal body fluids. I feel like I’m at work.”

Thanksgiving is a time of blessings, gratitude, family, friends and estranged husbands. I decided to host Thanksgiving at my house with my sisters and my Mom. Since Paul was home and the kids were still coping and healing, I figured why not invite him as well. It was awkward, uncomfortable and yet oddly familiar. We still managed to attend the parade as we did every year since Vanessa was in a stroller. This year despite changes in one parent’s residence we packed up the hot chocolate thermoses, donuts, blankets and beach chairs and headed out into the gray, chilly, windy November air.
The excitement hummed and buzzed through the crowd. You could feel the energy pulse and throb in the throng of people snuggled up against the bitter chill of the wind. The onslaught of a quick moving snow squall caused even more excitement than the usual that manifested itself waiting for the man in the big red suit. The squeals of delight and the shining smiling faces reminded me of a time when Vanessa was about three or four and Brielle was a newborn and the alcoholism was becoming more apparent.

“Daddy, is Santa coming soon?” Vanessa asked with huge saucer like eyes looking so large they could engulph you in one bite.

“Of course Sugarplum! He’s coming at the very end with Mrs. Claus and all the reindeer.”

“Well, what he coming in?” She asked innocently.

“His sleigh.”

“His sleigh? How is he going to fit in a sleigh with his reindeer and Mrs. Claus? He won’t fit, Daddy. He won’t fit and then we won’t see him and I’ll have to go home without seeing Santa and telling him what I want.”  Huge, wet, hot tears streamed out of her eyes and down her face. Paul scooped her up and dried her tears with his gentle fingers.

“Whoa, what’s the waterworks for Sugarplum? Santa’s coming. He’s not riding in a small sled that you sled down a snowy hill
with. No way! He’s riding in the biggest, fanciest sleigh that will fit him and Mrs. Claus and it’s pulled by all his reindeer with Rudolph leading the way with his bright, red shiny nose. Even if we did miss him here at the parade, Daddy would find another way for you to see Santa. That’s my job, pumpkin, to make sure you’re happy and you get what you want.” He smiled at her and her whole face light up like a fourth of July firework sky. Only Paul could make her smile like that!