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Smoke and explosions and screams echoed in his mind. He tried to ignore them, pretend they weren't there, push them back to the abyss. He couldn't let
them
know. Couldn't let them see how close to the edge he was. That part of his life was over. Marrying Kacie Jo, making a family, would heal him.

With that realization, he knew what he had to do. Taking a deep breath and pushing the nightmares away, he turned to face Kacie Jo, to look into her eyes. To somehow tell her without saying a word that if she couldn’t do this he understood.

He’d have to figure something else out. It didn’t matter what. He couldn’t force Kacie Jo to go through with this marriage.

When their eyes met all sound, all action stopped except the slight heave of her chest as she took a deep breath. The edges of his reality seemed blurred with only Kacie Jo in focus.

Her green eyes were wide with unspoken questions. What did she want to know?

Maybe she was just searching for a way to escape. Thinking that if he really wanted to protect her, he’d find a way to get them out of this mess now, before it was too late.

Jesus. He didn’t think he could do it.

Again he closed his eyes, and again he prayed. This time for the strength to do the right thing. In this case the right thing was obviously not marrying Kacie Jo.

He opened his eyes and smiled at her. No sense worrying about it now. At least they didn’t have a full church of people there to hear him say the wedding was off.

Kacie Jo smiled back, the tension in her eyes gone. Her hand in his no longer trembled. And then with a slight shake of her head, she turned back to Judge Bagely and said the words he’d prayed to hear.

“I do.”

Kacie Jo sat in the passenger seat of her car watching the Texas country side fly by. She’d said yes. He’d given her a chance, and she’d made her choice. And now he was taking her to her family’s lake house. Some place away from Grady’s interference, some place they could try to get to know each other better.

That’s what he’d said jokingly when he’d suggested the trip. But she’d heard Grady say Sam was looking for Donovan. Sam, the man who wanted Donovan back on the front lines somewhere. Donovan called Sam the devil, but he did it with such good humor, Kacie Jo knew better than to think that’s what he really believed.

She was afraid to confront Donovan about what Sam wanted.

Their trip seemed to relax him. That’s what she was calling this. The trip. No connotations of love and honor and forever. Just a benign vacation with her brother’s best friend.

She took a deep breath and blew the air out of her lungs slowly while trying to ignore the pain of that thought.

“Tired?”

Kacie Jo shook her head in answer to Donovan’s question. “No. Just thinking.”

She kept her eyes on the passing scenery. The red dirt, the pastures filled with cows, horses and broken down barns. She always wondered who'd lived in those old places, grayed and weathered over time. Left behind when times got tough or people died. Left to simply fall apart.

“What’s on your mind, Kacie Jo?”

She shrugged. Should she answer with the truth? That she was forcing her mind to stay busy with pointless questions about the passing scenery so she wouldn’t think about what they’d just done.

“Oh, you know. When’s it going to rain? What’s the lake house even going to look like now that the water’s down so low from the drought? Stuff like that.”

His laugh sounded full of self-loathing and she turned her head to assure him her answer was the truth.

But when their eyes met, she found she couldn’t say a word.

He looked away first, back to the road, and she was thankful. At least she was until he finally spoke. “So that’s it, huh? We’re going to talk about the weather.”

She knew what he meant, but she didn’t want to acknowledge the fact. “The drought’s the worst it’s ever been.”

He shook his head and his diamond earring sparkled the way her ring now did when it caught the sunlight. “Stop it, Kacie Jo.”

Her ring weighed heavy on her finger and she twisted it so the solitaire wouldn’t show. “Stop what?”

“Stop talking about the damn Texas drought. It’s always dry in the summer. You want to talk about the weather, let me tell you some stories I’ve lived the last couple years. I can tell you all about winds so strong, they whip every bit of moisture from your body. About finding water and knowing as you take a sip, you are truly tasting liquid gold. About the way the sand grains fly into your eyes and ears and nose and you think you might never taste anything without the fine grit of dirt in your mouth again.”

Kacie Jo listened as he talked. She wanted him to tell her his stories. Wanted him to talk about where he’d been and what he’d done with something other than soundbites. But she was afraid. Afraid to know more about him. Afraid that to know him would lead to loving him and that would lead a world of heartache.

She stared out the window again as they passed a green mile marker before finally speaking. Their first real conversation as husband and wife.

“So is that what it was like there? Dry and dirty?”

She silently praised herself for the normalcy of her voice.

“Yes and no. There were some places so dry my skin would flake after a few days. But in those places when the scarce rain finally did fall, it was like paradise over night. Colors you can’t imagine exploded everywhere and the air smelled so alive, it was like experiencing creation.”

She listened as he described the places he’d been. And as she did, she could tell he’d loved it there. The thought scared her. Reminded her of Sam looking for him so he could take him back there, to the place that left his eyes haunted.

“You brought the region to life when you reported,” she said, remembering the stories, especially the horrible ones about atrocities committed in hate disguised as justice. “You made a difference there.”

And just like that, Donovan shut down. His smile became a small frown as his memories of paradise on earth became something else altogether, and she shivered when he didn’t respond.

“So about the weather…”

“Kacie Jo.” He took her hand in his, ran his finger across her palm as he spoke and she wondered who he was trying to comfort, himself or her? “There are some things I can’t talk about. And it’s probably best you know what those things are right now. I know I started this conversation. But I don’t want to talk about my work. It’s my past. I’m starting over. Thank you for that chance.”

His words should bring happiness, but she couldn’t help but feel wariness. What drove Donovan away from the profession and country he’d loved? She wouldn’t ask him, though.

“Okay,” she agreed. He’d share when he was ready. She settled her hands over her stomach and hoped his secrets never hurt their baby.

Donovan pulled into the drive leading to the lake house and tried to remember what it had been like the last time he’d visited. Grady had taken the keys, and they’d come out here to throw one big going away kegger before heading out for college. Two kids starting out into the big, bad world.

He didn’t figure Kacie Jo needed to hear that story.

As the house came in to view, he realized somehow he’d relaxed on the trip out. But seeing the house, knowing Kacie Jo expected them to talk, to get to know each other, left him terrified.

Hell, she’d had him voluntarily talking about the Middle East, but he didn’t need to talk. He needed to forget.

But he couldn’t forget the image of Anaj. He could see her dark hair, her kholed eyes laughing up at him as she threw fruit first and then rocks as she tried to escape. Could still see the looks of betrayal her family tried to hide as they told him goodbye and walked back into their palace of sadness.

He must’ve made a sound because Kacie Jo’s hand encircled his arm. “Are you okay?”

He forced his thoughts back to the present. Forced himself to smile as he answered. “Yeah. Just taking a trip down memory lane.”

But he wasn’t okay. The rancid smell of memories had filled his nostrils again, and he desperately needed to do something, anything to make it go away.
 

Donovan knew Kacie Jo was completely unaware, knew it was better that way as she laughed. “This place will definitely do that to you.”

He was glad she’d misunderstood. He’d told her the truth when he said he was starting over.

When she moved to unlock the door, he took the key from her. “Let me.”

She didn’t argue, just stepped back to go get the luggage, but he stopped her with a hand on her wrist. “Wait a second. It’s not going anywhere.”

He’d taken the dream wedding from Kacie Jo, but he could give her this.

He didn’t give himself a chance to think about what he was doing just acted as he swept Kacie Jo up in his arms and walked through the door.

“Put me down, Donovan Nelson. Put me down right now.” Kacie Jo laughed and punched his arms, but he wasn’t letting her go until they crossed the threshold.

At least that was his original plan. But then he crossed into the house and stared down at her face and felt the same tug as before. Her eyes were wide and suddenly she wasn’t laughing. She stared at him, her breath as heavy as if they’d raced inside, and he understood exactly what she was feeling.

Kacie Jo and the baby were his tickets out of the constant nightmares. He’d never be able to thank her enough because she could never know.

Donovan didn’t think, just slowly lowered his lips to hers. She didn’t fight this kiss, didn’t even hesitate, and he suppressed a shout of triumph as her lips met his obliterating the memories that threatened to undo his mind.

When Donovan’s lips touched hers, Kacie Jo felt like she’d come home after a long vacation. She closed her eyes and let herself be swept away by the intensity of the feelings. They might not have love, but they were experts at this.

Donovan Nelson held her in his arms, and he kissed her with a possessiveness that almost scared her. Slowly, he lowered her feet to the floor and pressed her against the wall. She felt his erection through her dress, felt it and pressed against it even though she knew this had to stop. They’d never get to know each other if all they did was make love.

But, oh God, this felt so good, so right, so wonderful.

His hand caressed her cheek, moved to skim across her right breast. Her nipples contracted, and she couldn’t stop the moan that slipped from her mouth.

He laughed in answer and moved to cup her other breast.

And even as she responded, even as she moved against his hand, against his hips, she knew this had to stop.

But God help her, she didn’t have the will power to step away. His lips moved to her neck and she let her head fall back, let him have even more access.

He took full advantage of her position, lowering his mouth to her breasts, kissing them through the fabric of her clothing. Again she moaned as heat flooded her center. Oh God, how could she possibly stop this when his hands and lips turned her entire body into one huge bowl of scrumptious chocolate pudding?

His hips pressed against her again. This had to end now if it was going to. She wanted him so desperately. Wanted him inside her, wanted that feeling of completeness, but it wasn’t time. To give into that now would be the destruction of any chance at true happiness.

When his hand moved lower, to her slightly rounded belly, she finally found the strength to step away.

“We can’t do this, Donovan.”

“Like hell we can’t.”

She’d expected this reaction, had rehearsed her answer. “We’re here to get to know each other. We don’t need to work on this part of our relationship. We've aced this already.”

Donovan wasn’t ready to agree. “You’ve still got lots to learn.”

She took another step backward. “I’m going to get the luggage.”

He groaned. “It’s not like someone would steal it out here, Kacie Jo.”

Oh, she was perfectly aware of that. But she had to get away before she caved.

He wasn’t ready to give in. “Come on, Kacie Jo. We can have this and still get to know each other.”

She was so tempted to give in. To go to him and press her lips to his and take his clothes off and lose herself in the wonders of his body.

But they’d done that already. And now they had a baby on the way. Because of that, they were married, and she wasn’t willing to simply fall into bed with him because it would be easy and would feel good.

“I’m going to get the luggage.”

She turned to walk away, and as she did, she heard him follow. When she reached the door, his hand shot out and stopped the door from opening.

“Wait.”

His one word command echoed through the room, and she wondered if he’d figured it out. Discovered that a few more seconds and she’d capitulate to the pleasure he could give her.

He touched her shoulders as he moved to stand directly behind her so close she could feel his breath on the back of her neck. Could feel the tiny tingles of her hair follicles standing on end.

If he didn’t let her leave right this minute, she was going to give in. And if she did that, they were doomed. They’d spend the rest of the week in bed and go back to the real world without a foundation for real life.