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He couldn’t take the risk.

“So you’ll let me stay?”

His mother put down her tea and crossed to him. Taking his hands, she waited until his eyes met hers. “Donovan, this is your home. I’ll never turn you away. I’m your mother and if I could do anything in the world to make up for the past, I would. But I can’t, so I have to make sure I don’t have anything to make up for in the future. Of course I’ll let you stay.”

Donovan swallowed the ache that returned to his throat and nodded his head because he didn’t trust himself to speak.

Then his mother continued. “But son, you can’t keep running. This thing you feel, this blackness or fog or whatever it is, it’s not going anywhere. It’s going to keep getting bigger and bigger until you face it or it kills you.”

She was right. “I know,” he said over the lump in his throat.

“But don’t expect Kacie Jo to understand this, Donovan. You turned your back on love. She’s going to hurt a long time over that.”

His mother was right. But he hadn’t turned his back on love. He’d never stop loving Kacie Jo. Sometimes, though, love wasn’t enough.

One month later

Kacie Jo opened the box from Eliza and smiled. Just what she needed. Another maternity shirt. At least it was red. “Thanks Eliza.”

“I thought you might want something to lift your spirits. And you told me if I brought chocolate, you’d never speak to me again.”

Kacie Jo laughed. She had indeed threatened Eliza. The week after Donovan left she’d somehow decided there was nothing in the world a gallon of Blue Bell Rocky Road wouldn’t fix. And Eliza had been more than willing to support that assertion. That week the two of them had put away more chocolate than she’d thought possible. Ice cream, truffles, cookies. The form didn’t matter. And in the end she’d discovered chocolate couldn’t take away the pain of Donovan’s betrayal. It only dulled it for a moment.

Three more weeks had passed. In that time she’d learned that Donovan had returned to his mother’s. But he hadn’t bothered to call, hadn’t written an I’m sorry note for her to burn or throw away or tear into a million pieces.

In a town the size of Caldale, it was pretty difficult to stay away. But for resourceful type it must be possible because she hadn’t seen him.

Eliza shook out the shirt Kacie Jo had just unwrapped. “I know you said no more gifts, but I bought this for half price. And it came with matching shorts. As long as you’re pregnant, you at least deserve cute clothes.”

Kacie Jo laughed again, surprised at how easy it was to do. Somehow in the last few days, her life had returned to seeming normalcy. “You think these tent shirts are cute?”

“They’re adorable. I can’t wait to see you in them.”

How strange it was to think of the last time Eliza had helped her pick out the perfect outfit. The low-slung jeans, the cropped top. The come-and-get-me seduction clothes were hung up in the back of her closet next to her mother’s shirt. She wondered if she’d ever fit in them again.

Not that she’d ever wear clothes like that, but they’d made her feel free and flirtatious. Shoot, they’d made her feel like a goddess.

And look where she’d ended up. Pregnant and alone.

She shook her head to ward off the tempting depression. She wasn’t alone. She had good friends who thought tent shirts were adorable and a brother and father who loved her. She wasn’t going to wallow around in self-imposed grief anymore.

She held the shirt up to her chest and twirled around. “Before long I’ll have to wear these clothes all the time. For being so little this baby is certainly taking up its fair share of space.”

“According to the books, you’re right on target. Not too big, not too small.” Eliza dug in the bag she’d brought over and handed over yet another package.

“What’s this?”

Eliza refused to tell so Kacie Jo opened the bag. A rose patterned tea set. Just like the one she’d played with as a child before she knew Eliza, before her mother died. Her first real baby gift. Tears welled up before she could stop them, and she brushed them away. “It’s beautiful. How did you know?”

“Grady felt the need to take me out with him so he could flirt shamelessly with some new sales clerk. While we were out, he saw this in the window and after he told me about it, I knew the bottles I’d planned on buying were out of the question.”

Kacie Jo set down the tea set and hugged her friend. How had she ever gotten so lucky? Maybe the chocolate week had been a shared purging of men from the system. “It’s better like this, Eliza.”

No need to explain what she meant. After a few seconds, Eliza agreed. “I know. I just wish I’d had your guts.”

Kacie Jo brushed her hand over her stomach. “Oh yeah. That turned out just great.”

Eliza refused to give in. “No, I mean it, Kacie Jo. I know we’re at the point that I’m supposed to sit here and help you come up with all the reasons Donovan Nelson is a supreme jerk. And I can do that. I think we’re on reason number one hundred three.”

Kacie Jo didn’t bother interrupting and telling her it was more like one thousand three.

“But you took a chance and went for what you wanted. And even though it didn’t end well, at least you had that one great love. When someone talks about passion, you’ll get it. When someone talks about the earth standing still from a simple look, you’ll know exactly what they’re talking about. And even though it hurts, at least you had the experience.”

Kacie Jo didn't want to think about passion or the emptiness it left behind.

“It’s not worth it, Eliza. It’s not. Nothing is worth waking up alone and wondering if you’ll ever meet someone who can make you feel like that again. It’s not worth feeling like a failure in everything. And the chances of finding that perfect someone and having it all work out, finding happily ever after, are pretty near impossible.”

“Don’t say that, Kacie Jo.” Eliza spoke with such intensity, Kacie Jo wondered what had happened to her friend. “Don’t say it’s not worth it. Not when you’re pregnant and you’re going to have a beautiful, perfect baby who will love you no matter what.”

Guilt washed over her at Eliza’s words and Kacie Jo cradled her stomach, hoped the baby hadn’t understood the words. “You’re right. And I don’t regret this child. Not for a minute. But I do regret the pain I feel now. I can’t help it, Eliza. Some days I wake up and it’s like the air is knocked out of me and I wonder what I’m going to do.”

“You’re going to do just what you’ve always done. You’re going to be a great teacher and a fantastic mother. You’re going to have a wonderful life. And one day, this will be a memory. And it won’t hurt quite so much.”

Kacie Jo didn’t think so. She didn’t think there’d ever be a day when she didn’t remember feeling so completely alone even though she was surrounded by others.

“The whole saying you grow up with is a lie, Eliza. The whole it’s better to have loved and lost, it’s not true. It’s hell to have loved and lost. I grew up knowing that, and I still took a chance. I’m lucky I found out now. Because you’re right. I’m young, I’m smart and I’m successful. I’ll be a great mother, I hope. But I don’t care if I ever love again.”

Her words must’ve been enough to convince Eliza this was an argument she wasn’t budging on because her friend finally hugged her and without saying a word admitted defeat. “So, why don’t you go try that outfit on? Maybe we can get out in time to find the perfect stroller.”

Kacie Jo took the shirt and matching shorts to her room to change. As she slipped the soft fabric over her head she whispered the only words she could think of to her baby. Words that would somehow make up for the fact that she was sorry she’d ever set out to seduce Donovan Nelson. Sorry she’d succeeded. Sorry her heart had turned to ice.

“I love you, baby. And one day we’re going to have a tea party. And when we do, I’ll tell you lovely fairy tales about knights in shining armor from far away kingdoms. And I promise they’ll always end in happily ever after. Because you deserve that. I owe you a happy ending. I just wish it could be more than a fantasy.”

Donovan grabbed the last can of Ranch Style beans from the grocery store shelf and pushed his cart to the check out lane.

His mother might have changed a lot over the years, but she still wasn’t much on cooking. Her magazines were her dream catalogs she told him. Every night she thumbed through the articles and dreamed she could cook and decorate like that.
 

In reality, she pretty much existed on one frozen dinner after another. She even had frozen breakfasts. He wondered how she was still alive.

So he’d taken it upon himself to do the cooking. And if he were some chef extraordinaire, maybe that would’ve been a good idea. Somehow, he didn’t figure Wolfgang Puck would have many praises for his menu tonight. But taco salad was easy, and it wasn’t frozen.

Not that Tammy complained. She never did. Every once in a while she’d ask if he’d called Kacie Jo, and he’d tell her no, and they’d go back to doing whatever it was they’d been doing.

Donovan had to face Kacie Jo's anger, tell her for what it was worth that he was sorry. But he couldn’t. Not yet.

He’d been running from his pain when he’d come back to Caldale, and he’d found relief in Kacie Jo’s arms, so he’d taken it.

He’d run again when he went to Mexico, and Grady had offered him an out when he bailed him out of that jail and told him about the baby.

Grady had been right all along. Marrying Kacie Jo was another form of running away. And it had been one hell of a trip. Reality was he couldn’t run anymore.

Sometimes he wanted to see if she’d forgive him. He could show her he still loved her because he did. He always would.

That’s why he had to stay away.

Last night at dinner while he’d sat across from his mother, she’d pushed a 12 Step paper toward him and left him there at the table to go through more self imposed torture.

That’s what he was doing. Each day he stayed away from Kacie Jo was a sort of penance to pay. For failing Anaj, for failing those kids in Afghanistan and Mexico. Most of all for failing Kacie Jo.
 

He read the 12 Steps over and replaced alcohol and substance abuse with his illness. It fit, but actually doing something about it would take courage he wasn’t sure he’d ever find.

Kacie Jo reached for the two percent milk and decided one gallon was enough, even though it seemed like she drank a gallon of the stuff every day.

Before pregnancy, she’d hated milk. Now she couldn’t get enough of it. Maybe it was taking the place of sex. She grinned at her own little joke and grabbed a couple yogurts at the same time a family walked by.

New parents judging by the way both gazed lovingly at the infant in the cart. Her heart barely missed a beat as the father reached up for the butter and then turned to his wife.

New parents and new love. It still hurt to see, but it didn’t tear her up.

She passed the frozen broccoli and headed to the front of the store just in time to see Donovan smile at the clerk as he paid cash for his groceries looking for all the world like a man without a care. Well, that’s what he was, wasn’t it?

She’d known this moment would come. Known they couldn’t both be in Caldale and not run into each other. But she wasn’t ready for the pain. Wasn’t ready for the shock of breathlessness followed by the rollercoaster ride for her stomach.

And she wasn’t ready for the almost blinding anger to hit again.

Her nails bit into her palms as he stood there. Straightening her shoulders and silently thanking Eliza for the new red shirt, Kacie Jo hoped she looked as good as he did. Hoped he felt like the fool he was when he saw her.

For a minute, she considered running chicken to the lane furthest away, but then she decided he was the coward, not her. So she steered her cart to lane three, right behind him and waited for him to realize his soon to be ex-wife was standing there listening to him talk about a split pea soup recipe he’d seen on the cooking channel yesterday.

She didn’t have to wait long.

The change in atmosphere hit Donovan like the unnatural stillness before hell broke loose in a war zone when the cart behind him stopped. Passersby stared curiously, the clerk behind the counter no longer heard a word he said. He knew his days of avoiding Kacie Jo had come to an end.

He turned as she spoke. “Hello, Donovan.”

“Hello, Kacie Jo.”

Like two old acquaintances meeting for the first time in weeks or months or years. His heart ripped when he saw the pain in her eyes. Pain she wasn’t willing to outwardly express. Her back was straight, a small frown the only proof she felt anything at all.

She looked wonderful, and he wished he could reach out and explain. He wished he could at least tell her he’d left for one reason only, and that was to protect her.

But this wasn’t the time or place for that conversation. Judging by the way she stood there silently watching him with those accusing eyes, this wasn’t the time or place for any conversation.

The clerk called out his total and Donovan reached in his pocket for his wallet. As he paid for his groceries he wished he knew what to say, what to do. He didn’t want to walk away with only a hello.

But she would hate it if he made a scene. Of course, she’d have every right to tell him to shut the hell up and get out of her life.