Codependent No More Workbook (8 page)

We can use Step One in many situations other than those involving alcoholism and addictions. Often when a writer or artist faces a creative project, the first approach is to try to control it. The harder the person tries to control it, the more unmanageable the project becomes. It’s another place we can use the First Step. This can happen when we try to fix anything that’s broken, or do something we haven’t yet learned to do.

Alcoholics, addicts, and people with other compulsive behaviors can use this Step to avoid relapsing in their addiction. “I’d been sober about a year when my mind went blank,” said someone who now has eighteen years of sober living by working the Steps. “I watched a lot of people who went to treatment start drinking or using drugs again. One night I couldn’t see any reason I shouldn’t start using again too. I’d been working so hard on my sobriety and doing the right things. Why should everyone else have the fun and take the easy route while I did all the hard work? I called my sponsor to talk to him about how I felt and the crazy way I was thinking. I couldn’t find him. I didn’t know what to do. I was about an hour away from that first drink, which for alcoholics can be the start of the end of recovery. I sat in my apartment and asked,
Why shouldn’t I have a drink?
I couldn’t think of an answer. Finally, I heard it:
I’m powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable.
That’s why I shouldn’t drink. When I do, my life becomes insane. I chose not to drink because I didn’t want the consequences: a life that’s unmanageable.”

We can work Step One when a feeling such as anger overwhelms us, and we can’t get past it. The unmanageability from too much anger may cause us to be resentful and bitter. That is when it is time to apply Step One:
I’m powerless over my anger, and my life has become unmanageable.

Step One can be applied to financial problems. Maybe we’re overspending. Or maybe we’ve been hit with a severe financial crisis, something we can’t control. We become frightened. We panic. What’s going to happen? We stop living in the present moment and get tangled up in the what ifs of the future. We can do this so long and hard that we become an emotional wreck. Apply the First Step.
I’m powerless over finances, and my life has become unmanageable.

Some people lose control with eating.
I’m powerless over food.

Some get caught up in fear and panic. For no observable cause, a person may have a panic attack. The fear is overwhelming. “I go fetal, literally,” said one man. “I crawl into bed, get under the covers, and get all balled up like a fetus in the womb.” Many people who identify as codependents have a lot of anxiety and fear. It may legitimately be the emotions of anxiety and fear that they feel. Or it could be a mishmash of many repressed emotions from their past. When these emotions come up, they can feel similar to a panic attack.
I’m powerless over my fear and
anxiety, and my life has become unmanageable.
Or, if you think it’s a group of repressed emotions from the past:
I’m powerless over old, repressed emotions, and my life has become unmanageable.

Become familiar with the First Step. Sometimes all we have to do is think about a Step, and that’s enough to work it. Let it take you smoothly through any situation that otherwise could become rocky. Phobias are another area where working the First Step is an appropriate action. Agoraphobia is when a person becomes afraid to leave his or her house. People with this phobia can’t give you a logical reason why they’re afraid to leave their homes, but they cannot open the door and go where they want to go. The phobia has trapped them inside their homes; their homes become prisons. The First Step can be applied here or to other phobias.
I’m powerless over my fear of leaving my home, and my life has become unmanageable.

The First Step doesn’t mean we aren’t responsible for our behaviors. By taking the First Step, we’re given the ability to take appropriate and responsible actions. We may learn to apply Step One in record time, with enough practice, in many situations. It’ll be like someone inserted new software programming in our minds. We’ll scan the situation and try to solve the problem legitimately. You may want to try a problem-solving action up to three times, but usually three times is the limit for trying a particular solution. When you’ve done everything you can plus a little more, it’s time to
Let go and let God.
Maybe we’ll have the power to do something at another time. Maybe not. The problem might work itself out. The future isn’t ours to control. Let life take its course.

Whether we’re beginning the journey of recovery from codependency or we’re solving another problem, taking the First Step isn’t just a good way to begin. It’s the only way. It’s normal to feel hopeless, depressed, sad, or any number of emotions when we take this Step and realize we’ve been trying to do the impossible—and in so doing, we made a mess. It can also bring up feelings of sadness if it involves acknowledging the possibility of an important loss.

Emotions, like anything else, come to pass. The good news is that the First Step in recovering from codependency begins a journey of healing for us. The other good news is that it’s not a one-Step program. We won’t be entrenched in Step One and any feelings of despondency for the rest of our lives.

In His great wisdom, the Creator gave us a way to climb higher and get out of any despair and hopelessness that come from admitting and accepting powerlessness. If taking the First Step has you feeling blue, you don’t have to stay there. Turn the page and work Step Two.

“It has also been my experience that
my Higher Power seems reluctant to intervene
in my circumstances until I accept what
He has already given me.”

—Codependent No More

Suggested reading: chapter 12, “Learn the Art of Acceptance”

STEP TWO: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

   —from the TWELVE STEPS OF CO-DEPENDENTS ANONYMOUS

F
or some people, this is the easiest of all the Steps. But it’s essential, so it’s important not to skip it, the way we sometimes take two steps at once on a stairway. If we’re sincere in our desire to work this program, life will bring us what we need to work this Step in a way that’s right for each of us.

Many people are amazed when they first see people living peacefully, not trying to control and not being controlled by situations similar to theirs. When we see that someone else felt the way we feel, and then transcended those feelings and became transformed by working these Steps, we believe the Twelve Steps just might work for us too.

This is true whether we’re trying to stop using drugs, stop controlling an alcoholic, or stop being controlled by our fears.

Going to Twelve Step meetings, listening to other people’s stories, and reading books is important. These actions expose us to someone who’s done the work. It’s what keeps Twelve Step groups going and growing. We’re exposed to someone who’s been transformed by working the Steps. We believe that transformation can happen to us, so we work the Steps and become transformed too. Then newcomers come to the meetings and see us. They come to believe the Steps and this program can work for them. The torch is carried from one person and handed to the next. The light continues to burn.

People say the past can’t be changed, but that’s not true. This program can take the worst things we’ve done and recycle them into healing for others. Life uses what we’ve done to help other people believe that they can successfully begin this new way of life, and that these Steps will work for them. No matter what we’ve done or been through, life can use our worst experiences to benefit others.

Seeing how our mistakes can help others heal creates good feelings. It leads to self-forgiveness and higher self-esteem.

Have you come to believe that God as you understand God can restore you and your life to sanity, bring peace where there’s been chaos, love where there’s been hatred, and faith where there’s been fear? Have you come to believe you can let go of the other person and take care of yourself? Have you come to believe it’s safe to stop controlling?

Groups become stale and membership dwindles when the people attending don’t work the Steps. Newcomers don’t see anyone changing. They don’t see anything in anyone that they want to have. All they hear is griping and complaining. Most of us can do that on our own, all by ourselves. Newcomers to those kinds of groups don’t come to believe. Instead they come, and then they leave without ever believing that they’ll change and that recovery will work for them. We can either become a role model and a healing force in the community, or we can be one more person who chooses to stay a victim. Climbing the mountain isn’t easy. Neither is living a miserable life. Are you willing to become a believer?