Coffee Sonata (36 page)

“No, you’re not. Actually, I think you’ve had your first real taste of what life can be like if you let yourself live it.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Stunned, Manon stared at Faith. “That I’ve been dormant for the last forty years?”

“No, of course not. You’ve done amazing things for years and can be more than proud of your contributions to society.” Faith leaned back on her leather couch and stared into the fireplace where a log flamed with a cozy, crackling sound. “But for you, personally, you haven’t done very much. Other than hide.”

The honest reply stung, but Manon hid her pain and nodded briskly. “Go on.”

“Oh, I know that look. Your Joan of Arc stance, remember? The bring-it-on look that intimidated more than one professor at Harvard.” Faith reached out and patted Manon’s knee. “You don’t have to become all defensive. I only meant that you’ve done so much good for other people it’s only fair that you look to your own happiness now. And trust me. You can only be happy if you acknowledge who and what you are.”

“The foundation is more important—”

“Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong, partially, anyway. The foundation is important, vital even. But it doesn’t need your complete sacrifice. In fact, the opposite. It needs your attention and love, which it will only get from a Manon who lives her life to the fullest. Don’t you agree?”

Manon whispered as the restrained tears began to fall in earnest. “Her name is Eryn,” she whispered. “Eryn Goddard. She’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met. She’s honest to a fault and has stolen my heart completely. I’ve never been more afraid in my life.” She shivered against Faith.

“Oh, honey.” Faith usually didn’t use terms of endearment, but now she did as she slid closer and hugged Manon. “You’re in love. Finally. Thank God.”

“I’m not sure that’s what I am…it could be mindless infatuation for all I know!” Manon withdrew from the hug; physical closeness was too much right now.

“You’re talking nonsense and you know it.” Faith’s voice was mild but relentless. “You came here to ask me how to get out of this, didn’t you?”

Manon’s cheeks warmed. “Well, no, I wouldn’t put it like that.” She pulled her sweater closer around her. “I need your input how to…manage it.”

“You don’t need my help. You need to listen to your heart, not your head.”

“What?”

“You already know. You have great instincts, for business, for charity. You know how to manipulate the big elephants to open their wallets and checkbooks, and do so smilingly.” Faith cupped Manon’s cheek and her brown eyes glittered with delight. “Are you telling me that you can’t figure out a way to have your cake and eat it too? No pun intended, of course.” She winked.

“Faith!” Manon gasped and then had to laugh. “You’re just as impossible as you were twenty years ago!”

“I know,” Faith replied, sounding pleased.

Manon sat in silence. Her thoughts whirled, and a strange sort of peace began to spread as part of her surrendered and her ever-analytical mind stirred into action.

“Tell me about her,” Faith said, and reached for her mug of steaming black coffee. “I want to know everything about the woman who’s managed to penetrate your defenses in a few short weeks.”

“Describe her?” Manon hid behind her own large mug. “I wish I could do her justice. Honest and up-front. Loyal, friendly, brave. She’s been an out lesbian for a long time.”

“Gutsy. Go on.”

“Red hair, green eyes, freckles. And she’s all about giving hugs. She seems to thrive on them. She’s good at comforting, and the way she looks at me when she listens, her head slightly tilted and her eyes narrowing…I could go on talking forever just to have her look at me that way…” Manon quieted and stared into her coffee mug.

After a while she slowly raised her head and peeked at Faith, who sipped her coffee and obviously waited for her to say something.

Manon nodded thoughtfully. “All right, Faith. All right. Now I know what to do.”

The doorbell rang and Eryn jumped up from her desk, hit her head on the desktop lamp, and cursed as she rushed to the door, rubbing her temple.
Manon! She’s back.
She flung the door open with a smile.

“Hello. I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d drop by and pick up the toaster Sandy lent you. Now that she’s moving to Newport, she’s going to need it.”

“Hello, Mom.” Eryn sighed and let Harriet Goddard in. She hadn’t seen her mother in over three months, which was pretty remarkable since they lived in the same town. “Sandy gave me the toaster as a housewarming present when I moved here.”
Which is more than you did, Mother dear.
“I haven’t changed the place much since Aunt Amanda lived here, but you’re welcome to look around. I think I’ll repaint the bathroom soon and install a shower.”

“Sounds good,” Harriet said, and hung up her coat. She fiddled with the hem of her blouse for a second. “I really didn’t come about the toaster.”

“I didn’t think so. Want some coffee?” Eryn motioned toward the kitchen and refused to let the image of Manon sitting on her floor bother her.

“No, thank you, sweetheart. My doctor says I should stick to tea.”

Sweetheart? Doctor?
Eryn stopped and pivoted so quickly she almost knocked her mother over. “What? Are you sick?”

“Just a small ulcer, actually. Nothing to worry about. If you don’t have tea, I’ll just have a glass of water.”

“No, no. I have tea. Several kinds. Take your pick.” Eryn guided Harriet over to one of the cabinets where her mother examined the five boxes. “They’re from Sea Stone Café, all of them,” she remarked. “Isn’t that run by a friend of yours? That tall, dark girl?”

“Yes, Mike Stone.”

“That’s right.” Harriet pointed at the box in the middle. “Chai tea. That’s what everybody raves about at the church meetings.”

Eryn had to laugh. “They rave at the church meetings. Sounds like you have a lot of fun.”

To her surprise, Harriet returned the laugh with a smile. “We have more fun there than you could imagine. Don’t sell us short, Eryn.”

“Okay, if you’ll return the favor.”

“I heard you quit your job at the paper. After having a steady job there for so many years…what possessed you?”

“A chance of a lifetime to do what I’ve dreamed of.”

“Doing what?”

“You really have no idea what my dreams are, do you, Mom?” Eryn sighed unhappily. “You know that Sandy wanted to travel all over Asia and Kelly wanted to be a professional dancer.”

“Neither of them has done any of that.”

“That’s not the point. You knew them so well but never took the time to ask me what I wanted.”

“I knew you wanted to play that guitar of yours.”

“You knew that only because I made so much noise rehearsing in the garage with my friends. But that wasn’t my dream, not all of it, anyway.”

Harriet took a deep breath and appeared to brace herself. “Then tell me now.”

A childish part of her, immature and vengeful, wanted to refuse and say, “You snooze, you lose,” but Eryn told herself to grow up. “I want to be a serious writer, a biographer, a novelist. I love words as much as I love music. I want to reach people with what I write, to touch their hearts. Same goes for my music.”

“Oh, my.” Harriet sighed and sank down on a kitchen chair.

Eryn made tea for both of them, and neither spoke until she sat down at the kitchen table, facing her mother.
On opposite sides as always. Yet she’s different. She’s here alone. When did that happen last? If ever?

“It used to upset me that Sandy and Kelly got away with so many things when we were teenagers. I was the perfect child in every aspect but one, and I was always in the doghouse, no matter what.” It was time for the truth, Eryn could feel it.

“You’re right. You were.”

Eryn’s breath caught in her throat and she coughed before she drank her tea. “I’m glad you’re not denying it,” she managed. “We can’t change the past.”

“I thought it was a phase, something you’d grow out of. You were so young and easily the brightest of you girls. And when you told your father and me, I…I couldn’t accept it.” Sorrowfully Harriet shook her head. “You’ll never give me grandchildren, a little girl or boy with your good looks and your sharp mind.” Tears clung to Harriet’s eyelashes.

“Is that it? Is that why you’ve never accepted that I’m gay? That can’t possibly be it! What if I married a guy and was unable to have children because of a physical defect? That wouldn’t have made you turn your back on me, would it?” Eryn tried to force herself to calm down.

“No, it wasn’t just that. People at church were asking how and when your father and I were going to reel that wild girl of ours in. What you are goes against my faith, and my upbringing…and it’s taken me until now to even be able to talk about it.”

Honesty had replaced the cold shoulders and dismissal. Eryn reached out across the table, realizing maybe she had pushed her mother too fast. “I can understand where you’re coming from, and I don’t want you to go against your faith.”

Harriet covered the hand with hers and squeezed it gently. “You don’t?”

“No. I do want you to love me like a mother loves her child, no matter what. That way, I can learn to trust in your love, and perhaps Dad’s, since he always follows in your steps. And maybe then I can live with the fact that you still have issues with homosexuality, but not with me. And as for grandchildren…with today’s technology, it isn’t out of the question. So perhaps. One day.”
Would Manon want to have children?
Eryn closed her eyes.
Will Manon want to take a chance on me?

“So you’re telling me that you respect my faith?” Harriet now reached out and held onto Eryn as if she couldn’t make herself let go.

She loves me. Mom loves me, and she’s hurt over her torn feelings all these years. She must’ve struggled with outrage and frustration, and I suffered because of it.
“You know, Mom, maybe the church will eventually be more lenient about gay people. We’re all God’s creatures, and he made a certain number of us gay. Doesn’t that tell you something? I’m your daughter, Mom, not a product of the devil.”

Harriet broke into tears again and Eryn silently cursed herself for coming on too strong, as usual. She rose and quickly rounded the table. “Mom, I’m sorry.” Leaning down she hugged her mother for the first time in years.

“No, I’m sorry.” Her mother turned her face into Eryn’s sweatshirt. “I haven’t been a good mother. I’ve committed more sins than you ever will.”

“What are you talking about?” Eryn sank to her knees next to Harriet’s chair, her arms still loosely around her.

“Pride. It’s a powerful sin. And I’ve lied. I haven’t fully loved my neighbor, which entails you, Eryn. But mostly, my pride has been speaking.”

“And now?” Eryn hardly dared to ask; she felt as if she was walking on night-old ice.

“I don’t want us to go on the way we have. Sandy and Kelly have tried to talk to me about you so many times, and I’ve refused. But when I read the
Chronicle
this morning and—”

“And saw what? I’m in the paper?”

“Yes. Your old photographer wrote some very nice things about you to thank you for all your years at the paper. There was also an article about the Dodd celebration and a eulogy about Ms. Dodd. The article about the party had pictures and you were there, sitting at the head table.”

“Really? Wow.” Eryn didn’t know what else to say. “I had no idea anyone took pictures.”

“And when I saw that…I wanted to take the clippings to our women’s group at church and, well, brag about my daughter. And it hit me that I’ve had reason to brag about you many, many times, and I never have, because I resented…who…what you are.” Harriet hiccupped and wiped her tears with a tissue.

“Mom.” Eryn hugged Harriet again. “Maybe there’s hope for us. Do you think so?”

“I do. I do, Eryn. I’ve found the daughter I was so proud of so many years ago, and I want to get to know her all over again.”

Eryn returned to her chair. “This is really…something.” As much as she loved words, they failed her now.

“Do you have a…girlfriend?” Harriet asked, and Eryn had to smile at her mother’s attempt to sound casual.

“I’m not sure, Mom, but I’ve got my hopes up. I’ll know when she gets back from Boston.” Eryn’s heart ached. “It’s really scary, you know. If she decides to reject me…” She shrugged but knew her voice wavered and revealed her pain.

“If she does, whoever she is, then she’s a fool.” Harriet drank more tea.

Eryn laughed again, mostly to keep from crying. “Oh, you have no idea.”

“Who is she? Anybody I’ve heard of? Someone from your old school?”

“No, not at all.”
It’s time for a leap of faith, but not quite yet.
“If she dares to take a chance on me, I’ll be happy to introduce her, but I can’t break her trust. She isn’t out, you see.”

“Out? Oh, you mean she’s, how do you say, in the closet?”

“Very.” Eryn felt drained, but some of the fatigue felt good.

“Well, since you’re working from home now, I won’t keep you any longer, this time. I’ll come by later, perhaps next week?”