Collateral Damage (37 page)

"I was on assignment. At your school."

"You were after my boyfriend."

"I know it looks that way, but it's not like that, I swear. Until a couple of weeks ago I didn't even know Blake knew Vince."

She shakes her head, disbelieving. "You were undercover the whole time."

"Yes," I whisper.

"So...everything I know about you. It's all...a lie."

"Jaden, I know it seems that way. And yeah, I had a backstory. I
had
to. I couldn't fall for you. And you have no idea how wretched I felt lying in bed at night trying to think up stories to tell you, knowing they weren't even true. All those things I said.... I didn't have any other choice. But you
know
me, Jade. You do. Deep down I'm the same guy. I love the zoo. And Sun Chips. And I think Mr. Darcy is a pretentious..."

"Your dad?"

My dad, the deadbeat.

"Retired sheriff," I reply. "Small town."

"Your mom?"

My mom, who bounced from boyfriend to boyfriend. Kicked me out of the house when she couldn't deal with me anymore.

"Married to him for twenty-six years. Somewhat happily for most of those. They live outside Hamilton."

"You said they were divorced. You grew up broke."

"I grew up surprisingly middle class," I confess.

"Brothers? Sisters?" she asks.

"I have an older sister in college. I'm twenty-one years old, Sagittarius, and this was my second undercover assignment."

"You were kicked out of your old school," she says, tone hardening. "You were into drugs."

I nod. "I was. I can't lie about that. But I was never kicked out, and never arrested. Not officially."

Not after the charges were wiped clean.

Thank you, Mr. Donovan.

"Your motorcycle? The drug money?"

"No drug money. I bought it after my first few paychecks."

"The bruises?"

"Occupational hazard. And...paintball."

She glares at me, eyes lit with fury. "How long have you been a cop?"

"A couple years."

"And this is something you always wanted to do?"

"Seemed like the right choice at the time."

"And you just...hang out at high schools and fall for girls in your classes?"

"No." I swallow hard. I can't tear my eyes away from her—her beautiful, broken body—can't stop thinking about how it felt to cradle her in my arms. How she curled into me.

How she trusted me.

"I pose as a student to keep an eye out for drug activity. I've only fallen hard for one girl. And I'm still kind of freaking out because about an hour ago I thought I'd lost her. And if that happened...."

Tears pool at the edge of her lashes. "There's nothing like a gun to the face to help sort out all your conflicted feelings," she says, tone harsh.

"I know I hurt you, Jaden. I hurt you every way a person can possibly be hurt. But if you can forgive me, I promise..."

She squeezes the corners of her eyes. A tear drips down her cheek. She exhales a breath, composing herself. "I don't blame you for any of this, so there's nothing to forgive. I'm glad that you were there, and you knew what you were doing. I just...."

And at this, she gives up. She cries. Her voice cracks, breaking, tears spilling over. She gazes at the ceiling, still—even now—trying to force them away.

Fuck.

Fuck if something in my chest doesn't snap in two, ripping open.

"I don't know who you are, Parker. I thought.... You
let me believe
...."

"I
had
to stick to my story, Jaden," I interrupt, desperate. "It's my job. I'm undercover. I would've loved, more than anything in this world, to meet you under different circumstances. But it wasn't safe for either of us. And what happened to you today...you have to know that I'd give
anything
to take it back. I will not lose a second of sleep for killing that bastard, but what happened to you today is going to haunt me for the rest of my life."

The words collide, rushed, but I'm happy to have this truth—relieved I can finally tell her what she means to me. But relief is punctuated by the fear that she will never forgive me—not for the lies I told—not for what I let happen to her. And it's this fear—the thought of losing her forever—that burns me at my core, leaves me frantic to make her understand.

"You have no idea what you've done to me, Jaden. You just, barged in and flipped my entire world upside down! I didn't know what to do! I will quit my job. I will turn in my badge. I'll give it all up—I swear I will—if that's what it takes to make it right." Her eyes fix on mine, and I know she believes me.

And I will. I'll give up everything for this girl—whatever she wants me to be, I'll be. Whatever she wants me to do, I'll do. Whatever the hell she wants—it's hers.

I am
nothing
without her.

There's a knock on the door, and the nurse sticks her head in, interrupting us. "Jaden, your family is here."

Her spine stiffens. She sits taller, straighter. "It's fine. He's leaving."

He's leaving
.

The words shred whatever's left of me on the inside, tearing me apart. I don't know what the fuck to do—to say. I don't know how to fix this.

I'm leaving.

"I know how Ethan feels now." I suppress a laugh. "Watching someone suffer because of something stupid he did? I get it. And you're wrong, because it devastated him."

She exhales, drags her thumbs beneath her eyes, wiping away tears. And I know her. I know she'll put on a brave face for her family. Because that's what she does. That's who she is: the strong one.

I reach for the tissue box on the counter, rip one out, and hand it to her.

Her eyes shut, and the string of tears gathering on her lashes drips down her face. When she breathes, her whole body shakes.

It's okay to cry. To let people know you're hurting.

And then, as if she heard me, as if the words were spoken out loud, she nods. And at that moment, more than anything else in the world, I want to wrap my arms around her, to pull her into me, to hold her close and never let go.

"I
need
you, Jade."

She inhales deeply, lungs shuddering. "I need you to go," she whispers.

A heavy sickness settles in the pit of my stomach. I pick up my badge, fighting to stay composed, and shove it deep into my back pocket.

But I leave. Because that's what she wants—what she asked for—and damn if I wouldn't give her the universe if she demanded it.

It's better this way.

I pass the guys lingering in the hallway. I pass Daniel in the lobby. He's not alone anymore. Jaden's whole family is here. Her other brother. Her dad. Sarah and Joshua and her mom. I know I should say something. I know I should apologize. That I should explain....

But I can't.

I can't. I just left my entire world—my whole life—back in that room. Because I love her enough to let her go. Because that's what she wants.

The automatic doors breeze open, and I try to put as much physical distance between me and that hospital as possible. I suck in a breath, squinting back a bright sun that warms my skin and stings my eyes.

"You all right, Whalen?" Chief Anderson asks, making his way up the sidewalk.

I rub fingers through my hair, clear my throat. "No. I'm not," I admit. "I'm done. I'm finished." I remove my badge from my pocket, my gun from its holster. "I quit."

He refuses to take them, brow knitted in determination. "You're not quitting the force."

"Yeah, I am."

"No. What's happening is that, as of this moment, you are on paid administrative leave. You have three weeks. Take time for you. Your family. Take a vacation. I don't care what you do. Just get yourself together."

I blink my eyes dry. "And when the three weeks is up?"

"If you still want to quit, I won't stand in your way. Is there anything I should know going into this?"

My shoulders square, fighting a war of emotions. "I did the best I could, Sir."

*
    
*
    
*

I spend the better part of the evening sitting in a booth at McDonald's, keeping an eye on the hospital, watching traffic move in and out as the sun sinks lower in the sky, as streetlights flicker to life. When I can't sit still any longer I leave the restaurant, cross the street. The air is cooler. The parking lot isn't as packed as before, the lobby nearly empty. Visiting hours are over.

I head straight for the receptionist.

"Is there an update on Jaden McEntyre?"

"Are you family?" she asks.

"Friend," I lie. "I'm actually the one that brought her in earlier today. I just want to know if she went home."

She shifts some papers aside, types the name into her computer, reads the screen. "No. She's here. They're keeping her overnight."

"Can you tell me when they'll release her?"

She shakes her head. "I'm sorry. I don't have any of the details."

"Okay. Thank you."

I head back to the sitting area and pick a couch. I have nowhere to go. Nothing to do but wait. I have no vehicle—it's still at the school. Everyone else is gone. I couldn't go home even if I wanted to. But I don't want to. Not tonight. Not while she's here.

And so I wait.

I watch one of the televisions hanging overhead.

I watch the receptionist clock out.

I watch the cleaning crew come in.

There are only a few of us left, scattered across the expansive room. We each have our own couch. Our own TV. Nowhere else we'd rather be.

I doze.

I walk to the cafeteria in the middle of the night to buy a few snacks. There are no Sun Chips, so I settle for another brand. I grab a fruit juice from the refrigerators and pay the lone cashier. The lights over the tables are out, so I take it back to my couch.

I eat.

The chips taste like sawdust.

I watch TV.

ESPN runs the same special over and over again.

I doze.

When I close my eyes I see him. I see her. I hear shots fired, and they jar me awake.

The sun rises.

Nurses arrive in their scrubs. Doctors in their suits. Staff members in their dress clothes, hospital badges clipped to their jackets. The receptionist returns to her station. The gift store opens.

I'm wiping sleep from my eyes, stifling a yawn when a shadow stretches over me. "You stayed here all night, didn't you?" It's Sarah. Sarah—Daniel's fiancée, a styrofoam cup in each hand. "Are you a coffee drinker?" she asks.