College Sex - Philosophy for Everyone: Philosophers With Benefits (18 page)

A Brave New (Sexual) World

Romantic and sexual relationships have been, and continue to be, a frequent focus of both the media and academic scholarship. In the 1970s, music lyrics pleaded“baby,please go all the way”(the Raspberries in 1971) and “I need somebody to love” (Queen in 1976), while currently, pop artist Kelly Clarkson informs listeners through her lyrics that “I do not hook up.” A 1991 episode of the popular television

sitcom
Seinfeld
portrayed the characters Jerry and Elaine attempting to negotiate a “this and that” deal by adding sex (“that”) to their friendship (“this”). More recently, MTV’s
True Life
, the television series
How I Met Your Mother
, and
True Blood
have all portrayed friends with benefits rela- tionships, such as the one that Jerry and Elaine attempted to negotiate.

Similarly, the scholarly literature exhibits a wealth of research on romantic and sexual relationships. The phenomenon of friends with ben- efits relationships in particular has begun to attract the recent attention of the academic community. Several years ago, we noticed our students dis- cussing and negotiating these types of relationships (with a variety of labels) and thus began an exploratory study on this phenomenon. We defined friends with benefits relationships as relationships that occur between cross-sex friends in which the friends engage in sexual activity,

which can include sexual intercourse, but they do not define their relationship as romantic and do not define their friend as a boyfriend or girlfriend. This hybrid relationship combines the benefits of cross-sex friendship with the benefits of a sexual relationship, yet avoids the respon- sibilities and commitment that romantic sexual relationships typically entail. Additionally, friends with benefits relationships differ from “hook ups,” sexual encounters between acquaintances or strangers usually last- ing only one night, in that they are more stable. But are friends with ben- efits relationships really without their pitfalls? In this essay we review our research on friends with benefits relationships, report some of the unpub- lished data from the study, comment on current research in this area, and address the philosophical issues related to this phenomenon for contem- porary college students.
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We begin with a review of our earlier research.

The Original Study

We became interested in learning more about the phenomenon of friends with benefits relationships as experienced by college students after a par- ticularly animated class discussion on the pros and cons of this type of relationship. We designed an exploratory study to gather information about multiple dimensions of friends with benefits relationships, includ- ing: how they emerge, the motivations, barriers and emotions related to them, the maintenance rules associated with them, the outcomes of these relationships, and how these relationships are discussed and supported by same-sex friend networks. Table 8.1 at the end of this chapter sum- marizes the results of this survey.

We surveyed 143 students enrolled in introductory communication courses at a large Midwestern university about their opposite sex friend- ships. The survey was eleven pages in length and included a variety of open-ended questions, the perceived same-sex network support scale (created by the authors for this study), and items assessing demographic information. A friends with benefits relationship was defined for partici- pants as “an opposite sex friend that you have, who you also have sexual activity with (this can include sexual intercourse, but can also include other types of sexual activity). This is not someone you describe as your boyfriend/girlfriend.” Participants who had experience with a friends with benefits relationship answered a series of questions describing their experiences, while participants with no experience with a friends with

TABLE 8.1 Percentage of participants reporting multiple friends with benefits relationships

benefits relationship skipped that section of the survey. The participants for this research were largely Caucasian (65 percent) and female (69 percent). Only heterosexual participants were included in the analyses, and this resulted in the elimination of one case.

We asked our sample of college students, “How many friends with benefits relationships have you had?” Seventy-nine out of the 143 par- ticipants had experience with at least one friends with benefits relation- ship (55 percent of the sample). Fifty-three percent of female participants reported experience with friends with benefits relationships, as did 57 percent of male participants. Furthermore, many participants stated that they had experienced more than one relationship. Analyses revealed that men were no more likely than women to have had friends with benefits relationships, and the number of relationships reported by men and women were similar.

“Let’s get this party started”: How Friends with Benefits Relationships Were Established

Inresponsetothequestion,“Howdidyouoriginallyestablishthisrela- tionship?” five different categories emerged from the data. The most fre- quently reported category was “it just happened,” which was reported by 47 percent of the responses.The next most frequently reported categories

were that a “friends with benefits relationship previously had been dis- cussed”(e.g.,“we had talked about it before,” 37 percent of the responses), that they had “previously dated” (11 percent), that the friends with ben- efits relationship had been “indirectly established” (e.g., flirting, thought about it, never directly discussed the arrangement, 13 percent), or because “alcohol was involved” (9 percent).

“Is this a good idea?” Motivations and Barriers to Friends with Benefits Relationships

We asked participants who had participated in friends with benefits rela- tionships to give their reasons for establishing their relationships, and the data revealed five categories. The most frequently reported motivation was “relationship avoidance,” which included 40 percent of the responses and described participants’ desire to avoid being “tied down” to one particular partner or preferring to be free to pursue another partner. Twenty-eight percent of the responses were categorized as “wanted a friends with benefits relationship,” and included participants’ descrip- tions about specifically wanting to have or try a friends with benefits relationship. Not surprisingly, the simple “desire for sex,” illustrated by one participant’s claim “sex is essential,” was a common motivator. Seventeen percent of the responses fell into this category. Another com- mon motivator was “relationship simplicity” (17 percent of responses), meaning that friends with benefits relationships were perceived as less difficult to maintain than traditional romantic relationships. Participants expressed the opinion that friends with benefits relationships “seemed to be the best option to be together without being together.” Finally, a small number of responses (11 percent) indicated that a friends with benefits relationship was established in order to feel an “emotional connection” (e.g., “I missed the intimacy I had with my ex-boyfriend”).

When asked to list the barriers to establishing friends with benefits rela- tionships, the most frequently reported barrier was “relationship issues,” reported by 73 percent of the responses. This category included concerns about losing or ruining a good friendship, concerns about the relationship becoming more difficult, and concerns that a friends with benefits rela- tionship would prevent future relationships with other people. Another barrier was the “emotional consequences” of a friends with benefits rela- tionship, illustrated by 61 percent of the responses.This category consisted

of concerns about the relationship becoming more awkward, uncomfort- able, or emotionally demanding. “Equity issues” were reported by 18 per- cent of the responses, and this entailed perceptions that conflict or misunderstandings could occur if one partner became more involved in the friends with benefits relationship than the other. “Moral reasons,” such as ethics or religion, were reported by 12 percent of the responses; “self- presentational concerns” included reasons such as not wanting to be gos- siped about or labeled “easy” or “a slut” (11 percent of the responses); and “physical consequences” included concerns such as catching an STD or having an unwanted pregnancy (9 percent of the responses.)

“How does it feel?” Emotions Associated with Friends with Benefits Relationships

When asked how the friends with benefits relationship made them feel, participants who had had friends with benefits relationships reported experiencing a range of emotions. Some of the emotions associated with friends with benefits relationships were positive. Many participants felt “happiness” (34 percent of responses) or satisfaction in what they per- ceived as a fun relationship. They reported feeling “comfortable” (8 per- cent of responses) and “laid back” in the relationship, which is consistent with the relationship simplicity motivation for engaging in friends with benefits relationships. In addition, participants enjoyed the “sexual acces- sibility” of their partners (8 percent of responses), knowing that they always had someone who would be there for them. Participants’ “self- esteem” was positively affected (4 percent of responses) because their friends with benefits relationships made them feel wanted, needed, and desirable. Many participants also reported “falling in love” with their partners (19 percent of responses.)

Some participants also reported several negative feelings or emo- tions associated with friends with benefits relationships. “Negative uncertainty” referred to feelings of awkwardness or confusion over the relationship and was reported by 19 percent of the responses. Participants also experienced “anger” (18 percent of responses), “guilt or disgust” about feeling used (11 percent of responses), “jealousy” (5 percent of responses), and distress associated with the “inequity” of wanting more than a friends with benefits relationship (16 percent of responses.)

“Can we make this work?” Rules for Maintaining Friends with Benefits Relationships

The students in this study seemed well aware of the pros and cons of friends with benefits relationships. The idea of having sex without feeling “tied down” to any one person, and the belief that friends with benefits relationships were less complicated than romantic relationships, appealed to them.They did, however, have concerns about getting hurt and ruining their friendships, and several of the rules for maintaining friends with benefits relationships centered on minimizing these risks.The entire group of students was asked about rules that they thought could help maintain friends with benefits relationships. In other words, we wanted to know what students believed one should or should not do in order to keep the friendship satisfying once the sexual component was added. Their responses revealed seven categories of maintenance rules. The most fre- quently described were “emotional rules” (e.g., “don’t fall in love,” 56 percent), followed by “rules for communication” (e.g., discussion of hon- esty, calling, what topics they could discuss, 41 percent), and “rules for sex” (e.g., use of condoms, discussion of sex with other people, 33 per- cent). “Friendship rules” concerned placing higher importance on the friendship aspect of the friends with benefits relationship than on the sex- ual aspect of the friends with benefits relationship (23 percent), while “secrecy rules” described a need to keep other acquaintances from know- ing about the friends with benefits relationship (22 percent), believing that it was nobody else’s business. “Permanence rules” emphasized the tempo- rary nature of the friends with benefits relationship and were reported by 17 percent, while the final category, “negotiate rules,” demonstrated the importance participants placed on discussing maintenance rules at the beginning of the friends with benefits relationship so that people under- stood the nature of the relationship before proceeding with it (8 percent).

“Was it good for you?” Outcomes of Friends with Benefits Relationships

We also asked participants to describe the current status of their friends with benefits relationships. Their responses revealed that friends with benefits relationships do not always end badly. Six different categories of

friends with benefits relationship outcomes emerged. Some participants reported that they were “still involved” in their friends with benefits relationships (30 percent). Others stated that they were still friends but “just friends,” meaning that they were no longer engaging in a sexual relationship (38 percent), while others were “not friends” at all (25 per- cent). Twenty-five percent of the responses indicated that the friends with benefits relationships had “moved forward emotionally,” describing that they felt closer to their partner, while 4 percent indicated that the friends with benefits relationships had “moved forward relationally,” indicating that they had transitioned to a dating relationship. Finally, 13 percent of the responses categorized the outcome of their friends with benefits relationships as “worse.”

“So, what do you think?” Friends’ Reactions to Friends with Benefits Relationships

When asked whether or not they told any of their same-sex friends about their friends with benefits relationship, 84 percent of the friends with benefits relationship participants indicated that they had. This informa- tion was met by a variety of reactions from the same-sex friend; ranging from “approval” (38 percent) or “disapproval” (36 percent), to “silence” (25 percent), “surprise” (13 percent), or communicating their “shared experience” that they have also had a friends with benefits relationship (11 percent).