College Sex - Philosophy for Everyone: Philosophers With Benefits (16 page)

TIMOTHY R. LEVINE AND PA UL A. MONGEA U

CHAPTER 7

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

A Precarious Negotiation

Sex Talk

This essay is about “friends with benefits” rela- tionships. We presume that the typical reader (an undergraduate college student) is already familiar with the term. Many typical readers probably have experience with a friends with benefits relation- ship (either in the past or the present) or know someone who has. We also expect that reactions to friends with benefits relationships vary dramati-

cally, as some readers likely find the very idea difficult to imagine, offen- sive, or both, while others find them to have strong advantages. Still others, especially those who have been out of college for at least ten years, probably have no idea what the term means.

Sexual life on today’s college campuses is seemingly dominated by the hook up.
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In this context, our research suggests that friends with benefits relationships are common on college campuses.
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It is important to note, however, that large random surveys on the topic have not been per- formed. Even if such a survey were done, rates would likely vary over time and across college campuses. However, prevalence rates in the 50–60 percent range are typical in our and others’ research. Friends with benefits relationships are a relational fact of life for many unmarried American college students (and probably many non-college students in their late teens, 20s and early 30s).

In this essay, we explore a variety of questions about friends with bene- fits relationships. What are they? Can people really have sex with friends and remain friends? Is friends with benefits a new type of relationship, or have people always had sex with friends? What are the advantages and disadvantages of friends with benefits? Why do some people have friends with benefits relationships while others eschew such relationships? Finally, because both of us teach and research the topic of communica- tion in relationships, we explore how people talk (or don’t talk) about friends with benefits relationships with their friends. Answering these questions is more difficult than asking them, for a couple of reasons. First, friends with benefits relationships are a developing trend that morphs over time. Second, given the recent emergence of this phenom- enon, there has not been much research on these topics.

Just Friends and Sex Too?

An obvious place to start our exploration is with the task of defining friends with benefits relationships. A definition identifies the meaning that a person or scholar associates with a word, term, or phrase. Defining a term can be difficult because the meaning or meanings associated with words is ultimately arbitrary and a matter of convention (i.e., agreement among a language community), not fact. The term “friends with bene- fits” came to mean what it does because someone (our guess is a group of fraternity brothers) made up the label and it stuck. This does not mean, however, that terms and their definitions should be thrown around carelessly. Some definitions will be more useful than others and more useful definitions are clear, help us understand what we are defining, help us differentiate between instances of a thing and instances that do not count as the thing, and help us communicate our understanding.

Therefore, here we present a definition that we hope facilitates under- standing and our ability to communicate thoughts on friends with ben- efits relationships. We, however, make no claims that our way is the only or the right way to think about friends with benefits relationships because, as we will note throughout this essay, the use of the phrase “friends with benefits” varies substantially. We are trying to come up with a useful way of understanding friends with benefits relationships.

Too simply put, friends with benefits relationships consist of friends who have sex.This was the consistent answer Paul received when he asked

undergraduates to define the phrase in both Arizona and Ohio in 1999. This simple definition, however, masks considerable variety and complex- ity in the nature of this relationship type. In particular, the simplicity of the label hides several difficult questions, such as what does it mean to be “friends,” how are friendship relationships different than romantic rela- tionships (other than having sex), what counts as sex, and how frequently does sex have to occur within an ongoing friendship for it to count as a friends with benefits relationship? These are not simple questions, and our answers are less than definitive. Understanding friends with benefits rela- tionships, however, requires grappling with these questions.

As we discuss the meaning of friends with benefits relationships, it should be noted that our definition is not limited to heterosexual part- nerships. Cross-sex friends with benefits relationships are likely more common than same-sex friends with benefits relationships simply because heterosexuals represent a greater proportion of the population. Our dis- cussion here will likely reflect the heterosexual bias in the research litera- ture. Despite this bias, most of the issues discussed here apply regardless of sexual orientation.

Defining friendship and differentiating between friends and romantic partners is something that is difficult to put into words, but nevertheless it is something that people usually (but not always) do with ease. Friends are people we know (i.e., we have some unique knowledge of them as a per- son), and like (i.e., we have positive feelings toward them), and this know- ing and liking is, to some extent, mutual. Our friends know and like us, too. We have interacted with friends (perhaps in great breadth and depth) in the past and anticipate doing so in the future. So, friends are different from strangers and acquaintances because there is mutual liking and shared per- sonal knowledge. Friendships are also consensual (i.e., relationships of choice). Friends differ from family because we choose our friends.

Given our definition, how do friends differ from romantic partners? Traditionally, one (but not the only) key difference between friends and lovers is sexual desire and interaction. Lovers, romantic partners, and romantic interests are people with whom we either have sex or desire to have sex. This is not typical for friends. People who are sexually involved, by some definitions, are not even considered friends. In fact, if you tell a boyfriend or girlfriend “let’s just be friends” the implied meaning is, in part, no more sex together.

The distinction between friendship and romantic relationships, based only on sexual behavior, is challenged by friends with benefits relation- ships. If friendships are really non-sexual, friends with benefits relationships

make no sense. Alternatively, if friends with benefits relationships are relationships involving friends who have sex but who are not romanti- cally involved, then the act of sex alone cannot fully differentiate between friendships and romantic relationships.

Given this discussion, it should be clear that defining the term “friend” and differentiating it from “romantic partner” are surprisingly difficult tasks.What is more, one of us (Paul) has found that part of the ambiguity surrounding the friends with benefits label stems from the dramatic dif- ferences in the types of relationships between friends with benefits part- ners. Some cases are consistent with the commonsense notion of the friends with benefits label; good friends (perhaps best friends) who care for – and have sex with – each other, but for whatever reason are not in a romantic relationship. At the other end of the spectrum, what some peo- ple call a friends with benefits relationship is really little more than serial hook ups where partners engage in very little communication other than to arrange and carry out sexual rendezvous. In still other cases, friends with benefits partners used to be in a romantic relationship but broke up, but maintained the friendship and sexual parts of their relationship. In this case, friends with benefits relationships represent the smoldering embers of a past romantic relationship.

Casual Sex

A key to clarifying distinctions between friends, romantic partners, and friends with benefits likely resides in considering what the sex means to partners, specifically as it relates to the motivations that underlie the behavior. We believe that a distinction between romantic sex and casual sex can help to differentiate these relationships. In our view, romantic sex is motivated by passion, love, or at least the potential for love, and roman- tic interest, while casual sex is motivated by mere hedonistic sexual grat- ification. In other words, the goal of casual sex is to have sex as a purely recreational (i.e., fun) activity, while there are more relational implica- tions inherent to relational sex. This distinction highlights some of the ambiguity in some friends with benefits relationships. In the early stages of a friends with benefits relationship, it may not be clear whether the partner (or even oneself) considers the sex to be romantic or casual. Moreover, as we will discuss below, partners may assign different mean- ings to the same behavior.

One of the phrases we hear a lot from our students is that friends with benefits relationships come with “no strings attached.”This suggests that the whole point of friends with benefits is to have sex without the roman- tic label and the commitments, emotions, and hassles that come along with it. For the most part, friends with benefits involves people who have sex with someone they know and like while attempting to avoid the romantic feelings and label that comes with romantic relationships. In the “no strings attached” ideal, the relationship is understood as a friend- ship, not a romance, and the sex is thought of as casual, not relational. Consistent with this notion, Tim’s research indicates that friends with benefits partners have low levels of passion when describing their friends with benefits relationship.
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Friends with benefits is not about “having the hots” for each other; it’s about convenient, no strings attached sex.

All this raises the question of whether friends can really have casual, recreational sex without at least one of them wanting a romantic relation- ship. In one of Tim’s studies, we asked college students this question.
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While a little more than 60 percent of the survey respondents answered in the affirmative, answers differed strongly based on a person’s actual expe- rience with a friends with benefits relationship. Over 80 percent of people who had a friends with benefits relationship thought it was possible to have casual sex with a friend, while almost 70 percent of people who had not had a friends with benefits relationship believed that friendship and sex were incompatible. One of the interesting questions about this finding is the direction of causality: Does experience lead people with friends with benefits relationships to believe that friendship and sex can go together, or is it that beliefs about sex and friendship help determine who has a friends with benefits relationship and who does not? In any case, our data suggest that at least some people think it is possible to have casual sex with a friend, and people with a friends with benefits relationship are more likely to hold this belief than people who do not. But, clearly, there are those who firmly believe that friends with benefits relationships are impossible because they understand friendships as excluding sex.

A final set of definitional issues involve the nature and frequency of sex. If friends with benefits relationships are friends who have sex, then we need to know what counts as sex. Obviously, vaginal intercourse is sex. But what about other sexual acts? Many of our students tell us that in their view, kissing or even oral sex do not count as sex. Given this view, it is hard to know where to draw the line. Kissing on the lips probably does not count as sex, but how about a hand job or cybersex? A related issue is if someone has sex with a friend just once, does that count as a

friends with benefits relationship? In defining friends with benefits relationships, both of us agree that sexual interaction must be repeated before the relationship can be considered a friends with benefits relation- ship. Our take is that if people engage in “one time sex” or consider it a “mistake” and do not intend to repeat it, then the relationship is not a friends with benefits relationship.

History and Prevalence

The label “friends with benefits” is relatively new (from our perspective at least – it might seem like ancient history to some readers). We do not know its origin or how long it has been in use. Paul first came across it when talking with his undergraduate students about campus dating norms at Miami University of Ohio around 1997. His students attrib- uted the friends with benefits label to a song entitled “Head Over Feet” by Alanis Morrisette. Tim learned of the phrase more recently when Melissa Bisson, a recent graduate student at Michigan State University, wanted to do her MA thesis research on the topic.

An interesting historical question is how long have friends with bene- fits been around. Have friends always provided each other with conven- ient, recreational sex, or is this an invention of the current younger generation? While the friends with benefits label is relatively new, we sus- pect, there have always been people in these relationships, they just did not have a sexy label to describe it. Moreover, friends who had sex were probably less likely to talk openly about their relationship with family and other friends.Therefore, we suspect that given the current climate of casual sex on college campuses (the so-called hook-up culture), friends with benefits relationships are likely both more widely practiced and more openly discussed than was the case a decade or two ago.