Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids (8 page)

Sam sounds really cool, but nothing in her story suggests that she is gay. Stereotypes about gays draw many people to wrong conclusions. One such conclusion is to assume that every boy who likes knitting and every girl who plays basketball is gay by default. Many straight youths who are assumed to be gay suffer the same degree of gay-bashing as their homosexual counterparts. Joining the Gay-Straight Alliance is a sure sign of two things—that Sam has healthy self-esteem and a passion for justice.

I don’t have qualms about Sam’s parents asking her about her sexual orientation, but how they ask is important. Sometimes a question can be asked in such a way as to discourage a truthful answer. “You’re not gay, are you?” ends a conversation rather than begins one.

Because of her involvement in the Gay-Straight Alliance, Samantha may have given the matter of sexual orientation more thought than most youths. On the other hand, she may be sick and tired of people assuming she is gay just because she likes basketball and cares about justice. I suggested that Sam’s parents start any conversation about sexual orientation by applauding her activism. They should point out that her involvement with the Gay-Straight Alliance is a source of pride for them. They can share some of what they know about the struggles faced by LGBTQs and tell Sam that she may never know the powerful difference that her support may have made in the life of a gay peer. Her parents could also talk about their distress at the way some parents treat their gay children and state that it would make no difference to them whether their child was straight, gay or transgender. They might even ask if they, as parents, can do anything to join Sam in her efforts to support LGBTQs at her school. At this point, if Sam’s parents ask, “By the way, do you know yet what your sexual orientation is: heterosexual, lesbian or bisexual?” she is unlikely to take offense.

Because heterosexuality is assumed to be the ideal, being gay or lesbian is presumed to be a failure in attaining heterosexuality. LGBTQs are not broken heterosexuals. They simply are not heterosexuals.

I
am confident that your child can lead a wonderful life, but his or her life will not go untouched by the pain of discrimination. This is upsetting to hear, I know. My spouse and I joke about building a plastic bubble for our son so that he can roll about unaffected by all things harsh and cold, but as much as we want to protect him, we also want to see him grow and no one grows encased in a bubble. People grow when they are challenged and some of life’s greatest lessons strain body and soul with their demands. Without a doubt, it is a hardship to suffer discrimination and yet, if one is open to it, there is much to be learned from oppression and overcoming it.

Discrimination is the prejudicial and unfavorable treatment of a minority population that limits that population’s opportunities, potentials and freedoms. Laws can be discriminatory, e.g., protecting one group’s rights while trampling another’s, but much discrimination occurs outside of the law. Individuals can discriminate in hiring, firing and promoting. Groups can discriminate by excluding certain types of people from joining. Discrimination is often a covert operation, such as omitting a minority group from a history book or not mentioning the minority status of an historical figure.

The LGBTQ population still faces all of these types of discrimination, although the degree of discrimination varies dramatically
depending on the country or even the state in which you live. What I would like to focus on is a kind of oppression that happens on an informal basis: the impact of being subjected to ongoing ridicule and the casual cruelty of words.

LGBTQs experience intentional verbal harassment that is directed at them and meant to hurt them. They are also at risk for verbal assaults that are not specifically directed at them but which hurt all the same. These nonspecific attacks come in two forms. The first is through public media. LGBTQs remain a target for many social conservatives and it is still socially acceptable to demean publicly those who live a gay lifestyle. The second involves the invisibility of gays and requires a bit more explanation.

Many people possess a natural inclination to censor themselves when the target of their bigotry is in the room, especially when they know they have to work with the person or otherwise engage with the person on a regular basis. The invisibility of gays combined with heterogeneity bias eliminates that restraint. Gays are in the room but not known as gay when a person tells a gay joke. Gays are in the office but not known as gay when someone derides an openly gay coworker for his sexual orientation. Gays are in church but not known as gay when the sermon stresses the perversion of homosexuality. In grocery stores, riding elevators or walking through parking lots, LGBTQs hear anti-gay slurs. These insults are made all the worse by their suddenness and by the implicit awkwardness of responding (if one chooses to respond) to something said in someone else’s conversation.

Let me offer an example. A gay man, Tom, is at the home of Bart, his immediate boss at the company where they both work, attending a holiday party. Some guests are colleagues from work and some are personal friends of the hosting couple. Tom is engaged in an enjoyable conversation when one guest says to another, “Where do you get your hair cut? I can’t find a good barber.” When Rogan, the other guest, responds, his voice is effeminate and with a pronounced lisp, “I don’t go to a barber. I go to Jeffrey. That’s Jeff with a ‘rey’ at the end. He’s a stylist and he does wonders with my hair.” In his natural voice he adds, “I’ll give you his number, but don’t drop your wallet with him behind you.” A few people laugh. One guest rolls his eyes and gives Rogan a stern look. Rogan adds, “Ah, lighten up! I didn’t mean anything by it.”

Tom has been standing next to Rogan the whole time. He is angry and would like to say why. Before Tom can speak, he has to do a
series of mental calculations. He asks himself,
Who here knows my sexual orientation
? Tom has told his boss and many of his colleagues. He is fairly sure that another guest, Karl, the vice president of a division he hopes to join, has heard through the office gossip. He has heard that Karl is fairly conservative and Tom wonders if the VP has a negative view of homosexuality. Tom wonders if a confrontation with Rogan will impact his chances of getting the job he wants.

Eventually, Tom decides to say something. He begins to think about what to say and how to say it in a way that will be best received. By the time he opens his mouth to speak, the conversation has shifted to a lively debate over the best recipe for stuffed mushrooms. If he says something at this point he figures it will come off as socially awkward. It will change the tone and the depth of the conversation, forcing it to a more personal level. That will be appreciated by some and seen as indulgent and emotional by others. Tom wonders if he should pull Rogan aside and talk to him one-on-one. Exasperated, Tom moves to another side of the room and sits down on the couch. A football game is on television. Tom pretends to watch so he doesn’t have to talk to anyone. He wonders,
Is being silent the right choice tonight, at this party
? Silence comes at a cost. It gnaws at his gut and soul.

Sometimes the decision of whether to stand up for oneself or let an insult pass is easy. Too often, it is complicated and painful. The burden of always having to decide how, when and whom to confront is one that most heterosexuals cannot relate to because they have no experiential context adequate for understanding. It’s a burden that, I think, is somewhat distinctive of sexual minorities due to their invisibility. Additionally, there are ethnic/racial minorities whose appearances do not fit with stereotypic expectations, rendering them invisible. There are also many religious minorities whose identities are not readily apparent.

Is it possible to handle these situations with grace? Sometimes I engage people in a non-aggressive manner that causes them to think not about my anger but about their biases. A lot of the time, I blurt something out which silences the homophobes but does little to change their hearts and minds. And then there are many days when I don’t feel like educating anyone about homophobia. I say nothing and feel angry and bitter later. Confronting homophobia is no small feat. It is a war with many, many battles.

Encourage your child to be aware of the anger and disappointment that can build and to recognize when s/he needs to step back. Not all homophobic remarks are unanticipated blows. Sometimes they can be anticipated and avoided. For instance, if your child is listening to the radio and a socially conservative candidate is being interviewed, your son or daughter doesn’t have to listen. S/he can choose to turn the dial. There is a time to listen to negative rhetoric so that a response can be formulated, but there is also a time to tune it out. Gay individuals must do what they can to pace themselves regarding the challenge of homophobia. They must take the time and space needed to refuel, even though it means letting some negative remarks go unanswered. If I tried to respond to every negative message I’ve heard about gay people, I’d be completely burned out. What good would that do me or the cause of gay rights?

When I came out, I wish someone had given me this advice and I hope you will offer it to your child: There will be days when you remain silent and regret your silence. There will be days when you respond to disrespectful words with disrespect and later wish you had been the better person. There will be times when an ignorant thing is said and you pounce on it with such fury that you miss an opportunity to educate. There will be times when you desperately want to speak but emotion pours out of you, drowning every word you try to utter. Please remember that you did not cause these problems. Any perceived inadequacies related to your ability to explain or defend yourself are not a function of being less than the one who attacks you but, instead, a function of being asked to perform remarkably, over and over, in highly stressful situations. Be gentle with yourself. Don’t expect to say the right thing at the right time every time you are presented with bias. This would be asking too much of yourself and it will distract you from your job, which is to be happy. In the end, there is no better response to homophobia than to resist being derailed by it. Refuse to limit yourself. Live your life shamelessly and passionately.

T
here are many frightening forms of homophobia. Some people want to hurt LGBTQs in any way they can. A “hate crime” is a bias-motivated crime. Social psychologists Dr. Gregory M. Herek, Dr. J. Roy Gillis and Dr. Jeanine C. Cogan compared the psychological impact of hate crimes committed against gays to similar, non-bias-driven crimes committed against gays. The hate crime victims showed higher levels of depressive symptoms, anxiety and symptoms of post-traumatic distress when compared to the routine crime victims.
¹
When suffering is compounded by discrimination, the suffering is worse.

When a crime is deemed a hate crime, harsher judicial penalties apply than would normally apply for the same offense. The United States Congress passed the Hate Crime Statistic Act in 1990 and, as a result of this law, the FBI began collecting national data on hate crimes associated with race, religion, sexual orientation and ethnicity. After the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act was signed into law in 2009, the FBI began tracking hate crimes against transgender individuals as well. This information will be available in 2013 on the FBI Web site in the annual Uniform Crime Report.

There is much debate as to the accuracy of FBI hate crimes data. While all but a handful of states have enacted some form
of hate crime legislation, some states do not include sexual orientation and very few include gender orientation among the list of targeted groups. If a state does not recognize bias-motivated crimes against LGBTQs as hate crimes, there is little motivation for victims to report. In fact, the FBI notes that their statistics are limited because some police jurisdictions fail to report hate crime data to the FBI or submit partial data. In addition, it is thought that many victims of hate crimes are weary of reporting violence against them due to fear of reprisal or fear of further victimization from law enforcement.

With these caveats considered, the FBI’s
Hate Crime Statistics, 2010
indicates that about 19 percent (1,528 incidents) of all the reported hate crimes were motivated by sexual orientation bias. When considering this statistic, it is important to remember that only 3 to 10 percent of the population identifies as being LGB. Gay men were more often the target of hate crimes than lesbians or bisexuals.

WHY DOES SOMEONE COMMIT A HATE CRIME?

The fear that drives homophobia can be understood as a fear of the unknown. This is not unlike the fear one might have visiting a foreign country. When people first encounter a new culture, they are prone to exaggerate differences and to assume that their ways are the best ways. They soon learn that the similarities between cultures are greater than the differences. We discover that different doesn’t mean inferior. Similarly, studies show that exposure to LGBTQ individuals dramatically reduces homophobia.

Unfortunately, some people aren’t exposed to interaction with LGBTQs. In the absence of exposure and in the presence of anti-gay influences, ignorance can morph into hatred. A fear of being gay can give rise to a hate of homosexuals. In this case hate is self-hate manifested externally. The idea that people fixate on a particular “weakness” in others because they cannot tolerate that “weakness” in themselves has existed for centuries. It is the implication of Shakespeare’s “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”