Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids (9 page)

BOOK: Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids
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One classic study dramatically illustrates this truth. Conducting a study at the Psychology Department of the University of Georgia, researchers Henry Adams, Lester Wright and Bethany Lohr asked a
group of men to complete a scale that assessed homophobia. They then showed the men homoerotic video while measuring biological signs of sexual arousal. The men who scored low in homophobia were not aroused by the video. The men who scored high in homophobia were sexually aroused.
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Psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud and his daughter Anna Freud called the unconscious externalizing of one’s feelings
projection.
Projection is one of a number of defense mechanisms that humans rely on to reduce unbearable anxiety, like those caused by unacceptable urges. When a person experiences his homosexual desires as repulsive, he will try to resist them. If he fails in this, the psyche may try to defend against this “painful” truth by hiding it from the conscious mind. To ensure that those feelings stay buried, this individual will hate homosexuality in others. Anything short of vilifying homosexuality puts him at risk of rethinking or reconnecting with his own homosexual urges. In addition, he may feel some relief by attacking gays. The hate he feels toward himself is buried but unresolved. It is in need of release and finds a conduit for release in aggressive actions directed toward homosexuals.

It is important to recognize that projection is an unconscious process. There is no strategy involved and no psychological insight. Occasionally, the projecting individual may engage in secretive homosexual activity. If he does so, he is likely to minimize or rationalize this behavior. He might flirt with a homosexual man and then become enraged when approached by him. If confronted while engaged in homosexual activity, he will likely deny it. If denial is impossible, it will surely set off a psychological crisis.

Not everyone who attacks gays is a homosexual in denial. Hate can be taught and passed on through families and institutions. Take, for example, a child who grows up in a church vehemently opposed to homosexuality. Assume too that he is home schooled and that the only children he plays with go to that same church. His view of homosexuality will remain unchallenged and will seem to him the only truth.

Hatred can also arise from poor self-esteem.
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Desperate for a sense of belonging and worth, insecure individuals attach themselves to hate groups. These groups promise to accept them and tell them they are special and better than others. Superiority justifies brutish behavior and controlling others seems proof of superiority.

It’s important to remember that most people don’t hate gays. Thanks to the media, organizations and TV shows that depict likeable and upstanding gays and to the LGBTQ community which has worked so hard to be seen and heard, most youths today have been exposed to positive gay role models. As a result, attitudes are shifting and homophobia is on the decline.

Chapter 12
Religion and Homophobia

T
he greatest injuries are incurred when we are wounded by those we trust in the places we feel most safe. It is in these circumstances that our souls are bared and undefended. As is true for many children, gay children put their trust in their religious leaders and find esteem in the warmth and acceptance of their religious communities. Sadly, that trust has too often been met by judgment and rejection, particularly in conservative, evangelical Christian churches. Literary critic and writer Bruce Bawer said in
The Advocate,
“Straight Americans need…an education of the heart and soul. They must understand—to begin with—how it can feel to spend years denying your own deepest truths, to sit silently through classes, meals, and church services while people you love toss off remarks that brutalize your soul.”
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Active membership in conservative religions has been consistently associated with greater levels of homophobia and sexual prejudice.
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This is disconcerting, because when people are homophobic, they are more likely to act in prejudicial, unfair ways toward homosexuals. Gays who belong to conservative churches internalize these negative attitudes. They are more likely to see their sexuality as a shortcoming, more likely to have low self-esteem and more likely to suffer psychological distress than gays who belong to moderate or liberal religions.
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When gays are homophobic, they suffer from mental health problems.

Dr. Bernadette Barton, associate professor of sociology and women’s studies at Morehead State University, conducted a qualitative study of LGBs who grew up in the Bible Belt. For purposes of the study, she defined the Bible Belt as the geographic region of the country with the greatest saturation of fundamentalist Christians, including all the Southern states, Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri and West Virginia. Detailed interviews with forty-six lesbians and gay men revealed what the author described as “psychological violence” from the pulpit. Study participants described growing up in churches that routinely blamed homosexuals for natural disasters, death, famine and disease and threatened gays with eternal damnation. Close to 50 percent of those interviewed begged for forgiveness, sometimes weekly, in front of their congregations for feelings they could not pray away. Over 75 percent reported suffering anxiety, fear, depression or suicidal thoughts. The majority of those interviewed described “spirit-crushing experiences of isolation, abuse, and self-loathing. The most damning of these include rejection by family and friends, social ostracism, and an internal psychological struggle over their same-sex attractions.”
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Manny’s Story

Manny, a Latino teenager, is gay, but he has not told his mother. One Sunday morning, Manny came down the stairs wearing a rainbow earring and a pink T-shirt. The T-shirt had a big equal sign on the back and the front read, “Equal Rights for Gays and Lesbians.” Manny’s mother suggested that he change for church, but Manny refused. After Mass, the priest approached Manny and said, “That shirt is inappropriate.” Manny said nothing. The priest continued, “If you are coming to church to make a statement about homosexuality, you’re coming for the wrong reason. Homosexuality is not acceptable and neither is advocating for it in my congregation. You’re welcome back, but only without the shirt.”

On the drive home Manny’s mother said, “Okay Manny, you made your point. Are you satisfied?” While the car was stopped at a traffic light, Manny exited the car, slamming the door behind him.

There’s a lot going on here. For any number of reasons, Manny has felt unable or unwilling to talk openly about being gay and Catholic. His T-shirt is a statement, but what exactly is Manny trying to say? Did he wear the shirt
because he thought the church, priest or both needed to recognize that there were gay Catholics in the pews? Did he want to make people think? Was he enraged by something the priest said about gays? Is he unashamed of being gay, even in church? Is he trying to force his mother to say something about his being gay? There is more to this: Why does Manny attend church? Does he go out of respect for his mother, out of habit or because it feeds a spiritual need? Is Manny’s ethnic identity tied to Catholicism? Does being Latino make it harder for him to come out? Is Manny struggling to integrate several disparate identities: religious, sexual and ethnic?

Gay teens who silence themselves in this way worry me. Without knowing what Manny is thinking, it’s hard to tell how conflicted he feels and what he needs from others. Manny and his mother have become disengaged from each other. From a distance, there is little his mother can do to help. I advised her that they need to get closer and the first step is to win his trust. Manny’s mother can do this by demonstrating a desire to understand his feelings without judgment. It will be important to give Manny the opportunity to talk, without censure, about what it means to be gay, Catholic and Latino. His mother needs to encourage him to use his voice rather than act rashly in order to deal with his feelings more effectively.

 

RELIGIOUS AND GAY LIFESTYLES CONFLICT

Research from Dr. R. Ruard Ganzevoort, Mark van der Laan and Erik Olsman, of Vrije Universiteit Amsterdam, reveals that LGBs who belong to evangelical churches suffer from identity conflicts. More specifically, they are unable to claim both their sexual and religious identities. To understand the magnitude of this conflict, one must understand that what’s at stake is not only sense of self, but also a sense of belonging. For many people, church is family, a spiritual home. Other “sins” don’t put people in peril of losing their spiritual homes; why does homosexuality? Dr. Ganzevoort attributes this to polarizing discourse that has left homosexuals on the outside of religion and made them “the other.” The study goes on to describe four ways in which LGBs can negotiate this identity dilemma:
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•  
Religious lifestyle.
This strategy entails rejecting homosexuality and embracing one’s religion as well as
its solutions for homosexual feelings. Any lapses into homosexual behavior are regarded as sinful and there is no acknowledgement of homosexuality as an element of identity.

       
•  
Gay lifestyle.
This form of resolution usually results in a rejection of formal religion and full acceptance of gay identity. Individuals who adopt this style of conflict resolution cannot rectify the apparent hypocrisy of a loving spiritual community with their experience of rejection by that community. Leaving the religion of their childhood may result in a sense of spiritual loss.

       
•  
Commuter approach.
In this mode, “people move from one identity to the other, belonging to both mutually exclusive groups in what can be seen as parallel worlds.” Often, this person maintains completely separate social circles, one with church friends and another with gay friends, neither of which is aware of the other’s existence.

       
•  
Integration.
The individual integrates the conflicting world of his religion with his sexual identity. He is out to those in his church, even though the church refutes the validity of his gay lifestyle. Sometimes integrators will make the move to another church that exhibits greater openness toward homosexuality.

Each of these ways of managing identity conflict involves some level of sacrifice or loss. According to Dr. Ganzevoort, if one has the tenacity for it, the integrator style is likely the best way to maintain both religious and sexual identity.

Parents who belong to churches that condemn homosexuality should ask their child if s/he has given thought to the apparent conflict between their religion and his or her sexual orientation. What are her beliefs? What are his feelings? Does she see your religion as a source of support or a source of pain? Find out if there are spiritual leaders or groups within your religion that disagree with the anti-gay stance. It may help your child to know that s/he is not alone. Seek church leaders within your organization who have a more welcoming approach to gays. Many people find gay-friendly churches that are affiliated with religions that, in general, take an anti-gay stance. Support efforts that allow for spirituality without sacrificing integrity and that allow your
child to remain whole and true to him or herself at all moments, in all settings and with all people. If your child values his or her spirituality, help him or her find a way to maintain a connection with God.

For those parents who are considering ultimatums, please stop and reconsider. Taking an aggressive stand against homosexuality may drive your child from religion, a loss that need not and should not happen. If religious belief is making it difficult for you to accept your son or daughter’s homosexuality, you may find
What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality
by Daniel A. Helminiak helpful. This author explores biblical verses where homosexuality is mentioned and offers a refreshing perspective on Christianity and homosexuality. It may also help to explore the positions of gay-friendly religions.

Parents and integrators seeking churches that are more accepting of homosexuality will find many options. Among the most progressive is the Episcopal Church. Episcopal bishops were given permission to bless same-sex unions in 2009. LGBTQs who are Jewish can find a spiritual home in the Jewish Reform and Jewish Reconstructionist movements. These alternatives to Orthodox Judaism support gay marriage. In Reform and Reconstructionist temples, gays and lesbians are part of the rabbinate and cantorate. Even the Conservative movement has opened the door to gay rabbis and now allows rabbis to bless gay marriages if in accordance with their spiritual beliefs. The Society of Friends or Quakers has no hierarchy as is found in most churches. As such, there are socially conservative Quaker meetings and socially liberal Quaker meetings. On the whole, there are many Quaker meetings around the world that welcome LGBTQs and support legal reform for equality. Some other churches known for their gay-friendly positions include: Unitarian Universalists, the United Church of Christ, the Presbyterian Church (United States), the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (and in Canada) and the Alliance of Baptists. The Metropolitan Community Church was founded to serve LGBTQs and now has as many as forty thousand members. (For a more complete review of religions, including non-Christian ones, and their doctrines regarding homosexuality, visit The Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life, available online at
Pewforum.org
.)

Chapter 13
Bullying

J
udy Shepard, an advocate for LGBT rights and the mother of Matthew Shepard, a young gay man who was tortured and murdered because of his sexual orientation, stated: “When you call someone a ‘fag,’ it identifies them with a group that in today’s climate is open to harassment. So, by calling someone a ‘fag,’ you are giving yourself and the people around you the license to damage this individual either verbally or physically.”
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BOOK: Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids
3.78Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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