Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids (7 page)

However, Dr. Erin Coale Swartz, in her doctorate dissertation presented at Indiana State University, found a great degree of
variability regarding homophobic beliefs within certain faiths. Out of twenty-nine religions, the most variability in beliefs was among Conservative Protestants and Catholics.
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Contact with LGBs appears to decrease homophobic beliefs. Dr. Gregory Herek and Dr. John Capitanio, research psychologists at the Department of Psychology at the University of California, Davis, found that the more LGBs a heterosexual knows, the more positive are his or her beliefs about homosexuality.
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Even watching television shows with likeable gay characters has been found to reduce homophobic beliefs.
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Internalized homophobia has a negative effect on mental health, increasing the risk for depression and anxiety, especially depression.
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Being out and socially connected with other LGBs may not be enough to reduce the effects of internalized homophobia.
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To feel better, gays have to disabuse themselves of homophobic beliefs.

By recognizing homophobic thoughts, we begin the process of weeding them out. If you see two men kissing in a movie, do you feel a twinge of discomfort? If you see a woman embracing her partner, do you turn away? When you purchased this book, did you feel self-conscious? Would you feel uneasy browsing in the gay section of a bookstore?

There are many reasons for homophobia. The most benign has to do with numbers. That which is most common in a population is “normal.” What is less common is “abnormal.” This simple fact puts people in minority populations at a disadvantage, because the machinery of everyday life is always set for “normal.”

The Quakers published
Towards a Quaker View of Sex
in 1963, which said, “One should no more deplore homosexuality than left-handedness.” Since then, many people have used this apt comparison to dispel negative notions about homosexuality. Just a few generations ago it was considered bad to be left-handed. There were even myths that associated left-handedness with thievery and the devil. It was difficult to be left-handed in that era. What came natural to some people was unacceptable and what was acceptable didn’t come naturally. Teachers were told to force students who favored writing with their left hands to write with their right hands. No accommodations were offered: no lefty scissors, desks, baseball gloves or guitars. There were no lefty surgical instruments. Forced to use their non-dominant hands, some lefties experienced delays in acquiring a range of gross
motor skills and they were automatically disqualified from certain occupational pursuits. What a waste of potential!

Eventually, people realized that attempts to convert left-handed people did more harm than good and researchers came to the conclusion that there was nothing fundamentally wrong with being left-handed. This understanding is so widely accepted now that we no longer think of accommodations for left-handers as a burden to society and no American educator would consider conversion.

Just as left-handers struggled to conform to right-handedness, your child probably struggles to fit into the heterosexual world. Many people don’t consider adapting the culture to fit homosexuals. Why is this? In many cases, there’s no meanness of intent, just a kind of ignorance.

Some heterosexuals are blind to the advantages of a system based on the assumption of heterosexuality. They don’t see the accommodations made for them and they can’t imagine what it would be like to function without those advantages. This is referred to as
heteronormative bias.

As a result of heteronormative bias, sexual minorities have to work hard to get their points of view heard, understood and valued by the majority who may not see, understand or value their perspectives. While the need to educate people is crucial, the process is prickly. It takes a lot of courage to keep up the discussion when one is in pain and no one seems to notice.

As a parent, you can make a big difference. When your child tells you what it’s like to be gay, no matter how excitable s/he may seem, listen calmly. When your son or daughter tells you that s/he sees homophobia everywhere, look for and see it. It’s there. If you do this, your child won’t have to feel alone in a world that may seem to be against him or her and his or her feelings and nature. Remind yourself and your son or daughter that what is common isn’t always right for everyone and that, for your son or daughter, being gay may be the most natural thing.

H
omosexuality is a normal variant of sexual behavior, but in some locales and to some people, homosexuality is a sin, a sickness, a sign of weakness and a source of shame. This is a cold reality from which you cannot wholly shelter you child. However, if your son or daughter can learn to detect, disarm and disable stereotypes, s/he can successfully weather the storm.

It’s very important that you not be afraid of language. Your son or daughter will undoubtedly hear some horrific stereotypic assaults. If fear or anger shuts him or her down, then bigotry wins by default and your child internalizes the shame. Harvey Milk, a former supervisor on the San Francisco Board of Supervisors who was the first openly gay man elected to public office, once stated, “If I turned around every time somebody called me a faggot, I’d be walking backward—and I don’t want to walk backward.”
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Milk understood that by fearing words, we give them power over us. However, when people discuss insulting terms, they gain dominion over them. When people dissect hateful epithets, they disarm them.

Let’s talk about some “names” considered derogatory when used by heterosexuals. The process of reclaiming is transforming some of these terms to neutral or even positive words, but this process begins internally, within the minority culture. Here are lists of derogatory names:

       
•  Muff diver

       
•  Dyke

       
•  Bull dyke

       
•  Fem

       
•  Queer

       
•  Fag/faggot

       
•  Fudge packer

       
•  Top/bottom

       
•  Sissy

       
•  Fruit

       
•  Fairy

       
•  Homo

       
•  Queer

       
•  AC/DC

       
•  Switch-hitter

       
•  Swinger

       
•  Drag queen

       
•  Queer

I recommend refraining from using these terms even if you hear them used in the gay community. The one possible exception is the term
queer.
As discussed earlier, this label is now being used more broadly as a positive term. Ask your son or daughter what s/he calls him or herself and also ask how your child wants you to describe his or her sexual orientation. Don’t be surprised if your son or daughter calls him or herself queer but prefers you to address his or her orientation differently.

Derogatory terms often reflect underlying stereotypes. According to Richard D. Ashmore, professor of psychology at Rutgers University, and Frances K. Del Boca, social psychologist, senior research consultant
and associate professor at the University of South Florida, a stereotype is “a set of beliefs about the personal attributes of a group of people.”
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Stereotypes about the majority culture are often positive, whereas stereotypes about minorities are often negative or limiting. Psychology professors Michael J. Brown and Dr. Jennifer L. Groscup, of Brooklyn College of the City University of New York and Scripps College respectively, found that homophobia was associated with negative but not positive stereotypes about gays and lesbians.
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Here are some stereotypes of lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders:

       
•  Angry

       
•  Man-haters

       
•  Militant

       
•  Vegetarian

       
•  Don’t wear makeup (unless a “fem”)

       
•  Dress like men

       
•  Suffer from penis envy

       
•  Never met the right man

       
•  Never had good intercourse

       
•  Inorgasmic

       
•  Asexual or low sex drive

       
•  Ugly

       
•  Sexually abused as children

       
•  Effeminate

       
•  Dramatic

       
•  Selfish/narcissistic

       
•  Weak

       
•  Overly sensitive to pain

       
•  Pedophiles

       
•  Whiners

       
•  Fashion focused

       
•  Materialistic

       
•  Non-religious

       
•  Too close to their mothers

       
•  Afraid of female genitalia

       
•  Obsessive

       
•  Disinclined toward sports, mechanics

       
•  Promiscuous

       
•  Non-monogamous

       
•  HIV/AIDS infected

       
•  Sexually abused as children

       
•  Attracted to young boys

       
•  Actually gay or lesbian

       
•  Confused

       
•  Very sexual

       
•  Poor impulse control

       
•  Promiscuous

       
•  Non-monogamous

       
•  HIV/AIDS infected

       
•  Unfaithful

       
•  Sexually abused as children

       
•  Pass as straight

       
•  Confused

       
•  Playing games with gender, not serious

       
•  Histrionic

       
•  Sexually abused as children

By examining the stereotypes of LGBTQs, several themes emerge. The first is that “gays don’t have relationships; they only have sex.” When you think of heterosexual relationships, do your thoughts jump immediately to sex or do other images come to mind, such as a couple holding hands, talking together, having dinner with their children or walking together down the church aisle? One way in which LGBTQ relationships are minimized is to depict them as only about sex and about sexual urges. With love removed, it is much easier to discount gay relationships and homosexual lifestyles.

A second theme is that of heterosexual framing. Gays are artificially placed into masculine or feminine roles. A lesbian is a “bull dyke” or “lipstick lesbian.” A gay man is a “top” or a “bottom.” In this way,
the gay experience is forced into a heterosexual framework, but it does not fit. While it is true that there is a greater degree of gender nonconformity among LGBTQs than among heterosexuals, the stereotypes suggest that this difference is true for all gays and lesbians.
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It also makes rigid assumptions about gender and sexual behavior.

The third theme is the tendency to stereotype LGBTQs as crazy, usually with the tendency toward being indecisive, overly dramatic and sexually suspect. The most dangerous accusation along these lines is the false belief that gay men are more likely to be pedophiles. Pedophiles are attracted to children and pedophilia is considered a unique and aberrant sexual orientation. The vast majority of pedophiles are men and, while it is not uncommon for pedophiles to target boys, most pedophiles target girls, who are more than three times as likely as boys to be victims of pedophilia.
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We don’t assume that heterosexual men are prone to be pedophiles even though most pedophiles victimize girls, so why to do we assume that homosexual men are prone to be pedophiles just because
some
pedophiles attack boys?

Pedophilia lies beyond the bounds of those inclined toward healthy adult-adult attachment. It is a bad idea to base suspicion of pedophilia on sexual orientation. Gay and straight relationships are essentially identical in nature. An adult is attracted to an adult. That physical attraction is often supplemented by commitment, emotional disclosure and mutual respect. The emotional and physical needs of both parties are seen as important. Pedophilia, on the other hand, is not a relationship. It is one person, an adult, dominating and abusing another, a child. Being homosexual does not, in any way, suggest that your child is at risk of becoming a sexual predator. People attracted to adults, regardless of sexual orientation, are not inclined to be attracted to or to hurt children.

Samantha’s Story

Sixteen-year-old Samantha joined her school’s Gay-Straight Alliance. She also plays basketball for the high school. With her short cropped hair, tattoos and adamant refusal to wear makeup, it’s a foregone conclusion she’s a lesbian. Her parents don’t have a problem with her being gay, but they wish she would just tell them. They’re thinking about asking her.