Confessions of a Wild Heart (29 page)

“You’re well. I was always leaving. But today is not the day for this. Okay. We can talk about this later. Please.”

“You bet your ass we will,” she said, picking up her coffee like that ended the matter.

Will shrugged.

Jase would take it. For now. “I gotta get back. Holler if you need anything.” She waved him off.

He shook his head as he walked out and back to his cottage. His shoulders sagged, a bit in relief at finally having said the words “
I’m bi”
to his mother. And he supposed, even though she didn’t accept it, she hadn’t lost her shit. As least not yet. He always had that to look forward to.

Just when he started to get lost in thought, feeling antsy, he glanced up. And there was Ase, stepping out onto the porch with a sympathetic smile and that thermos of coffee, his camera hanging from a strap around his neck. He was wearing one of Jase’s plain grey ARMY shirts. And damn it looked good on him, relaxed and with no hype.

“How’d that go?”

“Could have been worse. Not horrible.” He needed to digest it. And he needed some one-on-one time with his mother later. But he’d done the right thing. And he was proud of himself for having done it. He’d always hoped he’d have the balls to tell his mama what was what if the day came that he had someone special who happened to be a man. For his own sake, his mama’s sake, and that man’s sake, he always wanted to believe he had the integrity to do that. And for Ase, he’d do it again.

“Now, us,” Ase said.

Jase nodded. “Let’s walk.”

Chapter 25

THEY walked through the tall grass until they got to the dirt trail that led around the side of the property and just into the woods. Every once in a while Jase heard the camera doing its happy clicking as Ase snapped photos. It really was a beautiful morning for it. Everything was still just this side of green, getting ready to turn soon.

Jase caught the wistful way in which Ase’s wandering eyes gazed over the ranch and caught himself smiling. He felt content to his bones just walking like this with Ase. It was like every time they got together, just the two of them and that fancy camera, the whole world just got a little more colorful just for them.

God, you’ve gone soft.
He snorted at the thought. Soft was the last thing he was around Ase. Maybe soft in the fucking head.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing.” He groused at having been busted. “Just being a perv.”

Ase suddenly covered Jase from behind, wrapping his arms around Jase’s middle and nipping his neck just above the collar of his t-shirt. Jase groaned, head falling back onto Ase’s shoulder. He wanted to stay like that, to just get lost in it.

But no. He stepped forward. “Oh, no you don’t.”

“Spoilsport.”

“That’s me. Old cock-block Emery.”

Ase chuckled and continued following behind Jase, who was happy to see they’d finally reached their destination. The old pond on their property had been Jase and his brother’s favorite place growing up. They rode ATVs down during the summer with their friends, swam, played with the dogs. It was peaceful. And their parents couldn’t see when they had girls—or boys—for some play time.

“This is great,” Ase said, taking a knee and snapping several photos.

“Yeah, I love this place. It’s always been a good place to think.”

Ase lowered his camera, smile faltering.

“Come on,” Jase said, holding out his hand. Jase needed this over with. And Ase looked like he needed it as well. The nerves, the waiting for shit to hit the fan. It was… tiring. Ase took the proffered hand and stood to follow.

They made their way to where several plastic chairs, covered in leaves, surrounded a wooden table. Jase pulled out a couple chairs, turned them toward the pond, side by side, and took Ase’s hand again. Ase was right. Jase had definitely gotten touchy-feely all of a sudden.

He needed the tether, for now. He needed the grounding. This might be the last time, though it didn’t particularly feel that way.

They took their seats, holding hands, watching leaves blow over the pond and float on the water. Every once a while a brim would pop up and grab a bug to snack on, disturbing the water in little nips here and there. If anyone had asked Jase six months ago if he
ever
thought he’d be sitting in this place with Ase, he’d have called them an idiot and told them no way.

It was surreal and amazing and so many other things.

“So…,” Jase said. He couldn’t stand it anymore.

“Yeah,” Ase said, on a sigh. “Thank you for bringing me here.” Ase squeezed Jase’s hand “I just wanted to say that before anything else. This is just like what I imagined. Only less cow shit.”

Jase laughed, giving Ase a playful shove. “Asshole.”

After they settled, Ase breathed in deeply. “Okay, for real though. I guess it’s that time.”

“Guess so.”

More silence.

“Oh, this is dumb.” Ase said, then turned his chair, boring his gaze into Jase’s. Jase flinched back at all the emotion churning in the man’s eyes. But this was Ase’s time. He obviously had something to get of his chest.

           “I filed for divorce. While I was in California.”

“That’s… good. Right?”

Ase nodded. “Very. It’s probably cruel; I don’t know what it’ll do to her legal status. And I know what happened wasn’t all her fault, but she was right there with my
papi
and the Fix Ase Brigade. So if they deport her, I gave her enough money that if she takes it back with her, she’ll be set for a long while.”

Ase looked away for a moment, then back. “Does that make me a horrible person?”

Jase grumbled. “Better than what I’d do to the lot of ‘em.”

That got the ghost of a smile from Ase. “I told my parents. They told me to fuck off. Not in so many words, but it was bad. And I wouldn’t be surprised if my brother shows up any day now. I’m done. I’m done with the guilt and hurting. I’m done.” And the man looked it, bone-weary and sad.

“Oh, Alessandro,” Jase said, placing a hand on Ase’s knee.

Ase closed his eyes dreamily. Jase just gave his knee a squeeze for solidarity.

“In those weeks, I talked to a counselor a few times. Mostly I went for a consult, and for names of people out here. But, we had a few good sessions. She’s good people.”

“That’s good. That’s real good.”

“She thinks I probably have a form of PTSD. The nightmares, the drinking. She said it’s not uncommon in people who suffered…” Ase paused and looked out over the water.

Jase let Ase have the moment because he couldn’t imagine how it must be to have to look for those particular words.

“Someone who went through sexual abuse of some kind.”

Jase winced. “I…” Selfishly, he wanted to know if he’d made it worse. They’d just been intimate, and he hadn’t really even thought of that. The last thing he should be looking for was to have his own guilt assuaged but Ase caught his expression and quailed.

“Oh, God. No, I don’t want you to think anything we do is tainted.” He squeezed the hand Jase had rested on his knee. “It’s definitely caused me problems, but as far as me and you, it’s perfect. Okay?”

Jase nodded, choked up.

“But I still have work to do. I’m gonna get as better as I can. I feel a lot better after confronting my dad and shit. I feel like I’m getting it together. And having you; it’s just something I never thought I’d get.” The way Ase’s voice trembled shook Jase to his core.

“You know I care about you. A lot.” Jase said the words so there was no lingering
but
in the air. He meant them exactly as they were spoken.

The light in Ase’s eyes was brilliant suddenly, even if his face was still drawn. “That, that means so much.” He cleared his throat. “I still gotta work on feeling good enough to be with you. I still feel so much guilt. Shame. I hate being this fucking vulnerable.” Ase pulled his own hair and Jase grabbed his hands. Jase could only imagine. He himself hated feeling too vulnerable, but Ase, with his pride and his swagger and his fuck the world attitude, that cockiness that just made him Ase. To have that ripped away and have nothing but this raw quick exposed to the world right now must be devastating. But Jase was honored to be here with him.

“Hey, none of that. Just. What do we need to do?”

Ase almost crumpled. “We.”

No, Alessandro. You’re not too damaged for me. Stop thinking it.

“Yes, we. I know a relationship is probably too much.”

“No. That’s what I wanted to talk about.” Ase sat up straight. “If you’ll have me. I’d like to. Okay, let me start from the beginning.” He took a deep breath. “I ran into a bit of luck about a week or so ago.”
Lord, if anyone deserved a little luck.
“One of the queens I performed with regularly was at the club when I went to say hello. She hooked me up with her cousin who owns a bar in San Antonio.”

Jase thought he knew where this might be going and raised a brow. Ase laughed. That was fucking nice to hear, even if it was just for a second. “No, no. Well, yes, I’d be around liquor. But it’s really popular as a Mexican restaurant—and don’t even fuck with me about the cliché.” Teasing was good. Jase smiled encouragingly. They were getting somewhere. Where, Jase didn’t know… but somewhere. “He needs a waiter-slash-bartender. It’s not the money I’m used to as a doctor but—”

“Wait. You’re going from doctor to waiter.”

“Just until I know my next move, career-wise. I still got some money. And I sold some shit to some of the girls while I was in San Diego.” Ase’s excitement grew as he shared his plans for looking at apartments and maybe getting back into photography classes. There was so much he could do with his medical degree but he hated medicine, anyway.

“And I chose this. This was me. I’m doing it for me. And I know a couple of the performers there. I’ll have people.” Ase’s eyes were wide and hopeful, his hands gripping Jase, begging for understanding that confused Jase because....

“Ase. If it makes you happy. I wish you all the best. Really.”

“It’d also make me really,
really
fucking happy, if we could keep seeing where this is going.”

Jase’s fucking heart. Goddamn, his heart. It nearly exploded on the spot with happiness and fullness, and he didn’t have words. He knew this was going to be work, for both of them. He knew Ase had shit to work through, and Jase himself had some residual daddy issues left, and that he probably needed his own counselor for.

“Ase, we’ve been through a lot of shit, you and me. I think it… it’s something I want.”

Ase’s smile.

It nearly knocked Jase over. Then they did fall over because Ase pummeled Jase with a kiss.

“But,” Jase said, through the kisses and laughing.

           “But?”

           “I want you to get better for you. Okay?”

           Ase’s smile was uncharacteristically shy. “I am. I guess I just think of you as my prize at the end of it all, you know. If we can make it.”

           “Oh, Ase.” Jase scoffed. “I’m no prize. And I got things I should work on. I can be a better me. I know I hurt you with some of my bullshit about my fucked-up definition of manliness. But I’ll do it. I’m damn sure not passing up this second chance when the gods seem to have taken it upon themselves to give it to us.”

           Ase’s eyes were a little too bright, but fondness shone out of them. “One day at a time, huh?”

           “Yeah. One day at a time.” Seemed like they’d used those words a lot since they’d known each other, but if those words would save them, they sounded like pure fucking poetry to Jase.

           They lay on the ground tangled together, looking up at the clear, blue sky through the treetops. And it all just felt so possible. Still broken in so many ways. But possible.

****

The following Monday, Ase was overwhelmed, to say the least, as he walked out of University Hospital for the last time. He’d faxed his resignation from his pediatric residency while he was still in California, but he’d decided an in person thank you to some of the doctors he’d worked under was appropriate.

They’d been surprised to see Ase had come to thank them, but not surprised he’d dropped. They all offered advice on new careers, if he wasn’t interested in practicing medicine or being a surgeon. But it’d been plain to them Ase hadn’t been interested. Ase had been bored and miserable there, anyway. He’d hated the shifts, the pressure. He liked the challenge and using his brain, but as far as the other residents and the job itself, he’d taken so little interest, it’d been obvious his heart hadn’t been in it.

More of the nursing staff was sad to see him go. Two tried to talk him into going into nursing. But Ase was in the mood to be a little more unrestricted for a while. He wanted to be broke, and enjoy living in his new town, hang out with new and old friends, maybe even get back into his photography seriously. He’d never been the typical college kid. Between maintaining high grades for his scholarships and taking care of things for Lizeth and his parents, Ase’s only time of acting like an average twenty-something was when he’d gotten tattoos, when he’d done shows as Ariel, when he’d spent those six amazing months in Munich.

Not that this was about him being young and dumb, but he was looking forward to… freedom. He’d missed freedom more than anything. He missed those six months of selfishness, which had been hindered by the fact he knew he’d be going right back home to be a responsible son once again.

His parents had done so much, had worked hard, had started on their brood by the time they were twenty. He was grateful for their sacrifices, but one thing he and his counselor in San Diego had discussed, one thing she’d reminded him, was he’d made a lot of sacrifices as well. He’d studied, he’d bussed tables as a teenager to help with bills and college savings. He’d paid for a wife and kept her safe, even after she’d done what she’d done.

Ase didn’t think she was a bad person. He did understand she’d come from a different world, like his parents. He didn’t want her hurt in all this. Well, he wasn’t so willing to protect her that he’d put his neck out for her anymore. But no more lying.