Corporate Carnival (21 page)

19

Sir Santa Claus

T
he hotel lunch looked delicious but we didn’t do justice to it. It was a crazy day. Peter and Jan spent a good portion of the morning’s proceedings in the meeting room spewing venom on Peggy (whenever she was not in the room) and ignoring her (when she was). They spoke about their plan. It was long on lofty goals, though short on details. As Kitch put it, their strategy seemed exactly the same as their objective, rather than a plan on getting there. They also issued a lightly veiled threat to anyone who did not ‘cooperate’ with them, along the lines of George Bush’s ‘you’re either with us or against us’ ultimatum. Ahmed made a presentation too, which was quite funny, unintentionally though. He spoke well, but the slides he had made were school-boyish (including the rather outdated SWOT analysis) and even had a few spelling mistakes. It ended with a slide (italics mine, spelling his) that read ‘Whatever
hapen’s
, we shall
RAISE
and SHINE!’

Less than a year ago, Kitch and I had joined what we thought was a staid British bank on the verge of further glory by merging with a European biggie – a far cry from the excesses of American greed and capitalism. And look what we had plunged into. One football tournament, a few changes at the top, one manipulative coterie and there we were – a regional office on the verge of turning topsy-turvy against the backdrop of a crumbling Europe.

There was no doubt about it. Peggy was clearly being pushed aside and Ahmed was being anointed the new high priest of private banking. Jan was being made the deputy regional manager while Peter’s wider role would make him the monarch of the middle east. All senior employees who had been part of the Abbott empire were being toppled and replaced by loyalists to the Dutch. It was clearly the dawn of a brash new world. An aggressive, if amateurish army ready to
raise
and shine, whatever
hapen’s
.

That evening, Peggy called all her team members to her room. We made ourselves comfortable while she finished a rather long phone call. We overheard snippets of the conversation where our names figured, but couldn’t make out very much. ‘I’m really sorry to have kept you guys waiting. Man! This is one heck of a mess we’ve got out here! I take full responsibility for it and I really do apologize. I can only hope to make up for this by plunging you into an even bigger mess!’

We looked at each other quizzically.

‘Rachel honey, Jack, Kitch, Gavas, Omar, Harry, listen up. I have a proposition to make and I need you to make a decision by tomorrow. I have no idea what the right decision for you is, that’s something you have to figure out. I’m leaving, guys. And that’s putting it respectably. You’ve seen how it is. I’m not wanted here. I’ve seen it coming for a couple of months actually, ever since I was in London attending those mancom presentations. So I’ve made alternate plans. Whether those plans fly or not depends on what you decide. I’ve had a chance to discuss this individually with some of you, but I haven’t had full information about the deal before this. So listen! You guys have a well-wisher. In fact, an admirer, who wants to put up 10 to 15 million pounds to help start up a private equity fund that will focus on small businesses, especially enterprises that work with art and culture, environment-friendly businesses and professionally run charitable organizations. And he wants us to run it.’

‘Us?’ Rach squeaked. ‘Peggy! What the hell do we know about running a venture of this kind?’

Peggy smiled. ‘What we don’t know, Rach, we’ll learn. Did Kitch know anything about running restaurants until two years ago? Did Jack know farming?’

‘But Jack still doesn’t know much farming!’ Rachel protested.

I grinned sheepishly. ‘But who is this admirer of ours, who is willing to risk 15 million pounds? It’s a massive responsibility. Almost scary!’

‘You’ll never guess, sweetie! It’s Sir Sidney.’

A howl of surprise nearly brought the roof down.

‘What!’

‘Good lord!’

‘B-but h-how on earth? Where did he spring from?’

‘Peggy, this is crazy! But fantastic. Is it going to be like running our own business? How sweet of him!’

‘Shhh! Guys, shut up a bit, will you? I’ve been in touch with Sir Sidney right from the time we met in Dubai. We met almost every day when I was in London and have been in regular contact since. As you know, he is an India lover and was bowled over by Kitty and the rest of you that day in Dubai. He’s been thinking of planning his retirement along these lines. He thought it would come next year, but the World Cup results effectively advanced it by several months. He is encashing his share options and that is fetching him some 25 million pounds at current levels. The recent run-up in share prices has been good for him. Whatever our perception of this bank has been, the market sees it as a fast-growing and profitable bank.

‘Sir Sidney’s grand-daughter is joining Kitty’s dance school in Chennai next month. I spoke to Kitty about it in Chennai. He wants her dance school to branch out. He wants more restaurants from Kitch and Galiya serving healthy organic food. He wants Jack’s father to get into agriculture big time – hopefully with help from Mina and Jack. Kitch’s dad is on the verge of setting up a new plant for herbal medicines. Sir Sidney wants to be in on that. Tim’s alternative energy idea might also find backing. Sir Sidney is fascinated by Bollywood as well. He is crazy about… what’s her name, Jack? Shelp… Shapely Shedy?’

‘It’s Shilpa Shetty, but Shapely wouldn’t have been a bad name for her, either.’

‘It seems Sir Sidney met Amitabh Bayshan in London at some function attended by the Prime Minister and the Queen. He asked him if he had starred opposite Shilpah and apparently he hadn’t. So Sir Sidney wants to make a Bollywood love triangle featuring Bayshan, Shilpah and Sharook Khan. He wants lots of songs and lots of villains.’

Kitch shut his eyes tight and moaned. ‘Peggy,’ he begged. ‘The first thing the old man needs to be told is that his job is to finance the venture. If he’s going to start thrusting his ideas on us, we’ll get nowhere. The guy seems to be senile. If he made a love triangle with these three and lots of songs, even
I
wouldn’t watch it.’

‘Oh, don’t worry, Kitch. We’ll run it as professionally as we can. He’s just terribly enthusiastic about the whole thing, that’s all.’

‘Maybe I could be the villain in the film,’ Omar said. ‘The hero can get Shilpa in the last scene, but I wouldn’t mind following and tormenting her until then.’

‘Oh, that reminds me! Sir Sidney wants Shane Warne to be the lead villain.’

‘Ah! Now we’re talking!’ Kitch enthused.

‘I can be his henchman,’ Harry said. ‘Even a small role in a Bollywood film might help impress Ya-sho-dha-ra.’ During his recent visit to Agra, Harry had fallen in love with a travel agent called Yashodhara Chattopadhyay. He liked everything about the girl, except her name. But she insisted on his calling her by her full name, so he had been practising gamely. Mina tried to help him out by suggesting a pnemonic ‘Yeah, show the RA (Royal Air Force)’, but on the very same day he goofed up twice, once writing her name in a text message as ‘Yashothern’, confusing the Royal Air Force with the Royal Navy, and then calling her ‘Ya-sho-me-dha-ra’.

‘I will be the comedian,’ Gavas piped up. ‘In fact, I can appear as myself, with my own name. That itself will make people laugh. Please go on, Peggy.’

‘Well, thank god I’m being allowed to continue. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. So, that was the chairman. But there’s more where the dough is coming from. Three of my clients want to put up about 20 million dollars. One of Jack’s clients, Sunny Singh, wants to invest five. I think a couple of Rachel’s clients will be keen too and maybe one of Omar’s. Of course, I have spoken to very few people about this, just a casual mention to some guys I happened to meet in Dubai last week. But I think we have close to 50 million dollars in the kitty already. I’ve already started working on the licence and I think we will have it in about two weeks. I’m looking at a team in Dubai to handle the central coordination work and teams in India to manage the businesses. I would like all of us to be in it. We might be able to rope in Kapoor as well, Jack, don’t you think?

‘This is going to be tremendously exciting. But it’s not a surefire winner. It’ll be as successful as we can make it. I’m willing to give it all I’ve got. Sir Sidney wants to start everyone off with a 10,000 pound bonus as a token of goodwill. He wants to pay this from his personal wealth, not from the business pool. I think we can afford to fix our salaries at our current levels, but after a year, we might have to take a pay cut and draw a percentage of earnings instead. I’ll let you all decide how you want to play that one. I was on the phone with Sir Sid just now and he has just sent in the first installment of three million pounds which will cover the guarantee amount required by the licensing authority for our business, plus my estimated expenses for the first year. So, guys, what do you think? Are we good to go?’

For a moment, we stood transfixed, trying to absorb everything that had been said. Then, like a bunch of alcohol-fuelled monkeys, we jumped, howled, chattered and finally put our arms around each others’ shoulders and did a jumping huddle.

We had a celebratory party that night. As I was walking to Peggy’s room armed with some weapons of mass celebration, I bumped into Jan and Peter. They must have got wind of what was happening and Peter was livid. His face was as red as a baboon’s bum.

‘If you guys dare leave,’ he hissed, ‘I swear I will not take it lying down. I will screw all of you.’

‘Enjoy!’ I replied and went on my way.

20

The End? Or the Beginning?

H
aving taken the decision to quit, we made our individual plans for the next one month. Gavas advanced his annual vacation by several weeks and took off for the US and Canada. Omar was away in Australia and New Zealand, exploring barrier reefs and doing bungee jumps. Kitch and Galiya left on a gastronomic tour of eight Indian states to sample their most authentic delicacies, as part of the preliminary work for the launch of K2K.

Suddenly, what had been a pipe dream a week ago, almost a joke, now seemed imminent. The idea of being funded with millions to open new restaurants and expand his existing ones had set Kitch on fire. The man spoke about nothing but food.

Andy and Ravi threw up several ideas that Peggy was assiduously poring into. The one she liked the most was setting up the ‘RSPCAA’ – Rescue Students from Political Constraints on Academic Aspirations – a fund that would support students whom the government’s ‘reservation’ policy had kept from securing seats in top educational institutions despite high marks. Harry was back in Dubai, working away at the formalities for setting up the company. Mina was busy trying to acquire land near ours and enjoying the financial muscle power that was coming her way. I spent two days with her and then returned to Chennai to discuss a few ideas with my father as well as Kitch’s.

I was at Kitch’s house the following evening, waiting for his dad to return home, when my phone rang. Harry was on the line. The licence had come through and potential office locations had been shortlisted. He wanted me to come over and help him choose one.

‘I say, Jack, there’s so much to do, and it’s awfully exciting. And do you know what, Yasho-dhara is coming to Dubai tomorrow, how about that! I wish she would let me call her Yash like all her friends do. But she insists I call her by her full name, and I just can’t! And she giggles every time I try. These Indian names are so confusing. What’s that disgusting chomping noise on the line? Are you eating something?’

‘Yes,’ I said, ‘Mary has just given me bhajiyas and tea.’

‘Well, give my regards to her. She gave me an initiation into India that I shall never forget. Besides, I rather think it was when I was narrating her story to Yasho-dhara that she started liking me. So Mary figures highly in my list of friends I owe a debt to. And hers is the only Indian name I can remember without straining my brain.’

When I conveyed this to the girl, she said, ‘My name Dhanashree, sir. Mary, no.’

I blinked. This girl was really complicating my life. ‘Your name is not Mary?’

‘No, sir. Dhanashree, name. Dhanam calling for short.’

‘But…’

‘First Dhanashree only name, sir. My father-mother keeping Dhanashree name. Then become Salma. Last year become Mary. Now again Dhanashree. You tell your friend, if he giving money then again I am keeping name Mary. Money getting, name changing, no problem.’

Back in Dubai, I met Kapoor. We had discussed the new development with him and he loved the idea of working with us. It had already been decided that he, along with Harry, would be permanently based in Dubai with Peggy. Kapoor had just returned from a holiday in Egypt, which his wife had pushed him into.

‘Did you enjoy it?’ I asked them.

‘Beautiful!’ his wife rhapsodized.

‘It was okay,’ Kapoor answered, non-committal, with a guarded look in the direction of his wife. As soon as she left the room, he took off like an angry aerated drink can that has been opened after a good shake. ‘That whole place is like one big museum! Kya fayda? What is the bloody use? I am interested in
today
, not in history. I don’t care if someone scratched a stone four thousand years ago! We kept climbing up steps and looking at dead bodies. How many dead bodies can you look at? And so many tourists! Just like Africa. This world has no time for family and friends. But people travel miles to look at animals and dead bodies. Jai, tell me, would you go miles just to look at a potato? No! Because you have already
seen
a potato. It should be the same with animals! They have no names, they can’t talk, they all look the same. Once you know what a lion looks like, why should you go across continents to see more? Anyway, most of these animals are just hiding in the bushes. They are not interested in us. Why are
we
so interested in
them
? Have we no self-respect? Holidays should be for spending time with parents, grandparents, children, grandchildren, uncles, aunts and cousins. Not for rushing around to take pictures of a buffalo’s backside. Or go to Egypt and stare at dead bodies. I don’t know what this world is coming to. Paagal hai, sab ke sab.’ He lowered his voice. ‘And now she wants me to send an email to everyone telling them all about the holiday. I may have been foolish enough to have gone there to see dead bodies but I am not so completely mad that I will waste time writing about them.’

A day or two later, I was in office, cleaning out my desk, when someone called me. ‘Sir, there is someone to meet Gavaskar or Peggy ma’am. Neither of them is here.’

‘I’ll meet them,’ I said, pulling my head out of the clutter.

A small-built man in a tight black suit was waiting in the meeting room. He had a blank sort of face; small, round and vacant, with ears that stuck out. He stretched out his hand.

‘Myself, Madhusudan S. Pikle,’ he said.

I shook his hand, trying to remember where I had come across that name.

‘I have come for the party,’ he said.

‘Party?’

‘Yes, the big party that I have been invited to,’ he said with a hint of pride.

I scratched my head. Pikle… I knew that name. ‘I’m sorry, I’m afraid I’m not quite clear. You are…’

He stepped back and drew himself to his full height, such as it was. His face took on a serious, dignified expression and a familiar, deep baritone came out from somewhere deep inside his throat. ‘Rishte mein tumhare baap lagte hain, naam hai shahenshah!’

I collapsed onto the sofa. This was
that
chap
,
the mimicry fellow, Gavas’s cousin! Gavas must have told him about it and, in the light of everything that happened since, no one gave the programme a second thought. And everyone had forgotten about the invitation sent to this guy.

I stared at him helplessly. ‘Oh, god!’ I said.

He simpered, his face lighting up. ‘Yes, my god act is the most popular one in Mumbai. And each time, I change the act slightly, so nobody gets bored of it. But I do a lot of celebrity mimicry as well. I can do Shahrukh, Aamir, Akshay, Saif, Dharmendra, Kamal Haasan, Amitabh, Rajinikant, Govinda, Nana Patekar…’

‘Mr Pikle, I’m terribly sorry. You see, there have been a lot of changes within the bank in the last few days and the upshot of the whole thing is that the programme got cancelled. I really do apologize. Gavas is in the US now. He must have forgotten to inform you. It completely slipped my mind as well.’

He looked at me dispassionately. ‘So, no party?’

‘I’m afraid not. I’m so sorry. We will try and make up for this somehow.’

‘I can do Hollywood stars also,’ he said, unperturbed. ‘Watch!’

He closed his eyes and sniffed a couple of times. When he opened his eyes, almost as if by magic, his eyes had a hard, steely glint in them, his nose seemed to have sharpened and his lips had shifted slightly to one side. When he spoke, it was from the corner of his mouth, as if there was a rosogolla in it. There was no mistaking the character. ‘Let me tell you somethin’ you already know,’ he drawled. ‘The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows.’

I stared, fascinated. It was weird, even eerie, to hear Rocky Balboa’s voice and dialogues come out from the mouth of a small Indian body.

‘… it ain’t about how hard you hit; but about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.’ Then his mouth shifted and formed a straight line. The rosogolla seemed to melt. His nose bulged out, his eyes became docile and lifeless, and his face reverted to its former bland appearance.

‘Sylvester Stallone,’ he said unnecessarily.

I stood up and clapped.

Except for Omar, who was probably still walking around in a t-shirt with ‘Thunder Down Under’ printed on it, the rest of us were in Dubai. The big question was what to name our new company. We had to hand in the name to the licencing authorities the next day.

Peggy made a game out of it. She gave us half an hour to come up with a suggestion each. ‘The one whose suggestion is accepted gets this iPad,’ she said, flashing one around. ‘Remember, this is a business with a difference. It is essentially like a private equity firm, but smaller. We will focus on small, simple businesses. We will create value, but profit will not just be measured in terms of money. Some of what we do will also have a social angle to it. Our businesses will be environment-friendly, we will promote art and culture wherever possible, and raise awareness of our core values. Now go put your grey cells to work. I’ve used up all of mine talking to Sir Sidney the last few days.’

Almost an hour later, Peggy was seated on a mat on the floor like a queen holding court with her subjects. The new furniture was yet to come.

‘Okay, let’s start. Andy,’ she announced.

‘It’s not a nice one, I’m not very good at these things,’ he started defensively.

Rachel giggled.

‘Go, Andy, go!’ Harry yelled encouragingly.

‘It’s Sex, short for Securities Express!’

Peggy stared at him blankly while the rest of us laughed and rolled on the floor, adding to his discomfiture.

‘It’s about investments, y’know, so I put in the word “securities”, and I just sort of added “express”. Then I thought of a short, attractive word that everyone likes… I told you I wasn’t good at this!’ he ended tamely.

‘I couldn’t agree with you more, honey!’ Peggy replied, trying to keep a straight face. ‘Rach?’

Rachel cleared her throat. ‘My suggestion is Lace!’ she said.

‘
Lace!
What’s up with the young couple? Marriage seems to have done something to you. This is a boutique investment firm, sweethearts, not a sleaze shop!’

‘No, but Peggy
,
listen! It’s an acronym. L-A-C-E. It stands for Laboratory for Art, Culture and Enterprise.’

‘Hmm… well, okay! That gives it a whole new twist, doesn’t it?’

‘So I get the iPad?’

‘Not so fast, darling. Anyone else? Kitch?
Kitch!
’

Kitch was busy with the iPad, watching pictures of Pamela Anderson during her India visit. ‘Oh, sorry!’ he said, a little shamefacedly. ‘I was surfing the net for inspiration and got a bit distracted.’

‘I am not surprised,’ said Galiya coldly. ‘What else did you expect, looking at pictures of Pamela Anderson in a clingy saree and a tiny strappy blouse?’

‘The blouse is not tiny,’ replied Kitch the perfectionist, peering at the picture. ‘It’s normal sized. It only
seems
small! Everything is relative. And look! This iPad rocks. I can make Pamela Anderson bigger by just moving my fingers like this. See?’

Peggy threw a cushion at him and Galiya took the iPad away from him.

‘Mina, Jack?’

‘We’ve got two between us,’ I announced. ‘The first is P4. It stands for Platform for Private Placement, Profitably. The second is Baobab Investments. Baobab is an African tree that appears to be growing upside down because its branches resemble roots. It’s got multiple uses and it is known as the tree of life. It finds a place in myth and legend and is even worshipped. So it’s kind of symbolic. We have a few taglines to go with the name. “Uniquely different” is one. Another is “Baobab Investments.
Where’s the herd
?”, to signify that we stand alone.’

I looked around expectantly, but no one burst into applause.

‘Okay! Nice ones, Jack and Mina. I think I prefer P4. The Baobab may need too many explanations, though it does seem an interesting idea. Next?’

Harry had two suggestions. One was PPod: Producing Profits and Opportunities with Discretion. The other was B squared or B
²
– Bespoke Businesses.

‘I like PPod,’ Peggy said. ‘But Bespoke… well, it’s too British, isn’t it? Sir Sid would understand, but I doubt anyone else would. This is another Baobab, though slightly worse.’

Galiya came up with Power – Profits, Opportunities, Wealth, Ethics and Responsiblities.

Gavas suggested Footprintz. ‘I put a z at the end instead of s,’ he said proudly, ‘to give it a cool touch. I also have a tag line. “Footprintz – Profits, responsibly”.’

‘Rather neat that, Gavas. Though I think I prefer the uncool spelling, the one with the s at the end. The name does have a rather nice connotation, doesn’t it, I mean, one of being a bit of a pioneer. Listen guys, all this is pretty good stuff. It’s actually more than I had hoped for. There’s no Indian touch in any of these but that’s okay. However, I don’t think I can decide right now, so I think I’ll just sleep over it… sorry,
sorry
!’ she said as a howl of protest erupted. ‘We’ll decide tomorrow for sure. And if my brain is still numb, we’ll just put it to vote.’

‘Okay,’ said Kitch. ‘So, umm, what about lunch?’

‘I have an idea. Does everyone know Andy has just landed a major Tamil film role? Let’s get some food delivered. Meanwhile, we can ask Andy to give us a preview of his best scenes.’

‘Hey, wait. Before that, I have a second suggestion for the name,’ said Andy, never one to be subdued. ‘Rachel tells me this is called venture capital and you said you wanted an Indian touch. So how about India Adventure? You know, like India Ad-venture?’ There was no response. Andy grinned. ‘Okay, here goes! I hope you like my acting more than my suggestions for the name.’

‘I can’t wait to see this movie,’ Peggy gushed after watching Andy enact a scene. ‘It’ll probably be my first Indian film. I’m sure it will come out before anything Sir Sidney makes! Is it a love story?’

‘Yes, it’s based on a tsunami where I fall in love with one of the fishergirls.’

‘Oh, wow! How exciting! What’s it called, Andy?’

‘It’s a Tamil film and was initially titled
A Fishy Tale
, but I am told the state government penalizes producers financially if they use non-Tamil titles, so it has been changed to
Ei, Meenkaari! Unnai Katti Pidikka
, which loosely translates as “Oh, fishergirl! If I could hug you”.’