Counting the Days (15 page)

After a few weeks of this behavior, Danny had enough. He came home one day, picked me up and took me to the hospital. He wanted to know what was wrong with me. Boy, was he shocked when he found out what it was. He didn’t talk to me for days about it. As a matter of fact, he also began to question what the powers that be were up to. He would come in to our room and just stare at me. He would just stand there staring, not saying a word. Then he’d leave without saying a single thing. His mother continued to come and help. She would bring me my meals in bed and would sit with me to discuss the goings on. To no avail, she tried very hard to encourage me.

After a few weeks, Danny finally came in and sat down in the bed next to me asking, “Um, do you really want another kid?”

“
No,” I responded honestly.

“
Me neither,” he admitted. “Why don’t we look into getting an abortion?”

I shuddered internally and quickly stated, “That’s not an option. We’d be condemning ourselves to Hades if we did that. Are you crazy?”

“
You’d be the one having it, so I wouldn’t be condemned to Hades at all, you would,” he replied nastily, “and besides I think it’s an option that we should seriously consider.”

“
Danny, it’s out of the question,” I responded firmly.

“
We’ll see about that,” he said in a huff and walked out.

Danny dropped the subject that day, but a few days later he brought it up again. I ignored him, which was probably the wrong thing to do, because he lashed out at me both verbally and physically. He got in my face and told me that I was going to have an abortion whether I like it or not. Once again, I dug my heels in and said ‘no’. He dragged me into the bedroom and viciously pummeled me with punches to my stomach and back. All the while I called out to his mother for help. I tried to protect my belly as best as I could, but he would then punch me in the breast or the face. Where was his mother? Didn’t she hear me crying for help? Samantha, where was Samantha? My cries fell on deaf ears. He didn’t stop punching me until I passed out.

That afternoon when I came around, Danny was gone. I lifted my nightgown to see the damage. I was bruised all around my abdomen, breasts and lower back. I stood up to call for help, but I immediately began cramping. Within minutes, I began to feel that I was bleeding pretty heavily. Again, I called out for Cathy and Samantha. Nothing. No one answered. Where could they be? Why would they leave me here like this?

When I got to the telephone, I dialed 911 and again passed out. Danny had gotten his wish. I had a miscarriage. Danny had killed our unborn child. I had such a mix of emotions, on one hand, I felt so guilty that I had not wanted this child and, on the other hand, I also felt relieved that I no longer was pregnant. May god forgive me, but I could not have another child with this man. This man who felt no remorse for any of the terrible things he did. He was truly an evil man full of nothing but hateful and hurtful things. My soul could no longer feel a bond with him. He was completely out of my heart…forever. Out of my life was going to be a different story.

The doctors wanted to admit me for a few days for observation, but I refused. After having me sign a hundred releases, they told me to look for signs that would indicate internal bleeding and signs that would indicate kidney failure, due to the blows I sustained to my lower back. The doctor gave me a prescription for an antibiotic and put me on bed rest for three days. I called Jenny and Paul for a ride and left. I don’t know if the hospital called the police or not, I didn’t care. Danny deserves all the maladies that god will one day unleash on him.

Cathy, my mother-in-law, was sitting in my living room watching television when Jenny and Paul brought me home. I asked them to stay with me for the next few days to help me with Samantha. I couldn’t trust Cathy. She betrayed me when she hid while her son pummeled me into a miscarriage. She didn’t even try to help me and, even now, I could feel her aloofness. She played dumb and surprised that I’d been out of the house for hours. I have no idea where she was hiding this morning, but I’ll never forgive her. For the next few days, she went about doing the housework like nothing, never asking why Jenny and Paul were there or why I was in the hospital the other day. She didn’t even ask why I was on bed rest. It was as if she knew and was either too scared to ask or she felt guilty for not helping me.

About a week later, Danny came home one morning and seemed totally surprised that I was still there. After he had settled in a few hours, I told him that I had a miscarriage and, can you believe, he smiled and hugged me complementing himself on “a job well done.” I ran to the bathroom and vomited. Can you believe the audacity? I sat in the bathroom and cried for hours.

Later on that afternoon, while watching television I asked him, “Are you going to be away this weekend?”

“
Why? Do you have a date or something?” he asked sarcastically.

I’ve wanted to ask for a long time, so I just bravely threw it out there, “No, I thought that I’d take Samantha and spend the weekend with my mother. I haven’t seen her in a long time and I miss her. I think it would be nice for her to get to know Samantha a little.” I don’t know why I was compelled to see my mother…I just want her. It’s just that after this miscarriage, I’ve wanted to be with her…in her arms.

“
You’re out of your mind. No,” he said without batting an eye.

I knew better than to get my hopes up. Well, I gave it a shot. I sighed and left the room. I went into Samantha’s room and sat in the rocker gently rocking back and forth, staring at Samantha, who was napping so peacefully. After a while, Danny came in and motioned for me to follow him. Immediately I felt that inner dread, oh no, not again.

I closed Samantha’s door behind me, expecting the worst. Danny was down the hallway heading to our bedroom. What did he want from me now? With my heart pounding in my chest, I followed. He told me to close the door behind me when I entered our bedroom. Obediently, I followed his directions. When he made his move towards me, I automatically flinched and closed my eyes. Within seconds, he had me pinned up against the wall and all I could think of was, not again, please.

He leaned in and gently kissed my neck. He slightly moved the neck of my blouse and kissed my collarbone. “You want to go see your mother?” he asked.

“
Yes,” I said shaking my head. I was so frightened. He always put me through this type of slow torture before he slammed me. I didn’t know what to expect.

“
Make love to me then,” he said backing away from me and removing his shirt.

“
What?” I asked thinking to myself, I just had a miscarriage you jerk.

“
You heard me…make love to me,” he repeated. I started to unbutton my blouse when he angrily pinned me up against the wall again and loudly said, “NO! I want you to make love to me…I don’t want you to have sex with me. I want you to make love to me, like you did when we first got married.”

I put my hands around his neck and pulling him down to me…I kissed him passionately. I gently nudged him away from the wall and began kissing his shoulders. I continued kissing him, concealing that I was repulsed every time my lips touched his body. Moving down his chest with my lips, I began unbuttoning his pants. While removing his pants, I gently pushed him down onto our bed and began slowly unbuttoning my blouse. Each button was a work of seductive art that left him drooling for more. When I was stripped down to my panties, I turned my attention back on him and removed his underpants. I then turned the radio on and gave him a slow show. In my mind, I imagined him as he used to be before we got married and made love to him.

Afterward, he said, “Now that’s what I’m talking about. See, we still have love and compassion left in our marriage. Now wasn’t that nice?”

I nodded my head ‘yes’ and fought back the tears. I hated him. He made me sick to my stomach. This marriage has consumed my soul. I have to find a way to leave, because if I stay in this marriage any longer, it will also destroy my spirit. We snuggled for a couple of hours and then he asked me if I would take a shower with him. I agreed and to the shower we went. Once again, I gave him the performance of my life. A performance he’d remember.

Afterward, Danny turned to me and asked, “You really want to go see your mom?”

“
Yes, I do,” I replied nodding. I said a quick prayer in hopes he’d let me go.

“
I’ll think about it…okay?” he said turning over to go to sleep.

Once he was fast asleep, I got up and got dinner ready. Samantha woke up from her nap and wanted to play hide and seek, so I obliged. When Danny woke up from his nap, I served him and sat with him while he ate. Samantha was already fed and was in the living room watching television. When Danny finished eating, he went and played with Samantha a little bit. Around 8pm, he told me to put her to bed and while I was tucking her in, he got changed and ready for the club.

I waited in the living room for him to leave. I hoped and prayed he would tell me that I could go see my mother. On his way out, he stopped and kissed me on the forehead. Before he left the apartment, he turned and said, “Marilyn, I was thinking about your wanting to visit your mother and the answer is still no. She’s like poison to you and in order to keep the peace, I have to say no. Besides, I don’t want her around Samantha. Sammie’s already got a grandmother. She doesn’t need another one. Sorry.” With that, he winked at me and left.

I was floored. I lowered myself and ate crow this afternoon. I demeaned myself for no reason whatsoever. My stomach immediately did a somersault and I vomited in my tracks. I sat in the living room in silence, praying for a way out of this insanity.

Danny came home early in the morning and after sleeping a few hours, he got dressed and left for the club again. The next day, he repeated the same pattern. Funny, he always stays out the entire weekend, but this weekend he came home every morning to check up on me and make sure that I didn’t go to my mother’s without his permission. What a jerk!

For the next few months, I lived in complete misery and fear. Danny was always home, day in and day out. With the exception of when he was at work, he was home all the time. It was as if he’d picked up a demon somewhere along the way, because he was as mean and vicious as ever. About three months passed, before Danny stayed out again for an entire weekend. I breathed a sigh of relief. It was great to have a little peace.

One Friday morning, Samantha and I left the apartment to go food shopping. We were only gone for a few hours. Upon our return, my heart sank when I saw Danny and Tina’s cars parked in the driveway. When I entered the apartment, it was dark and there was complete silence. Where Danny and Tina were, I don’t know. Maybe they were next door at his mothers. Who knows?

I brought all the groceries in and put them away. I fed Samantha lunch and put her in for a nap. I decided to take advantage of my free time and take a nice hot bath, so I headed to my bedroom, only to find that the door was locked. I must’ve inadvertently locked it before I left, so I got my keys and unlocked the door.

I walked into my room and headed for the closet to change. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw movement. My heart skipped a beat, could there be somebody in the house? I slowly turned to look and, oh my goodness, Tina was on top of my husband. They were having sex in my bed. They were so engrossed in each other they hadn’t realized that I was in the room. I quickly became enraged and blind with anger. I went into Danny’s closet and grabbed one of his golf clubs.

As I approached the bed, Tina noticed me and managed to dodge my first swing at her with the club. She jumped off of Danny and a screaming match ensued. Every once in a while, I’d swing the club at her head and she’d duck and run. Danny sat up in the bed and watched. He did nothing to intercede.

I finally dropped the club and went after her with my bare hands. If she stood still long enough, I was going to kill her. Finally, I got her into a corner and she was all mine. I pounded her with fist after fist. I tore at her hair and face. All my years of frustration were being heaped onto her with all my force. Finally, she stopped fighting back, but I kept slamming her with my fists.

Somewhere in the background, I could hear Danny hollering, telling me to stop before I killed her. I intensified my blows, because that was my objective. Danny eventually dragged me off of her and slugged me, knocking me down like a ton of bricks to the floor. He was immediately at Tina’s side trying to see if she was still alive. He turned to me and demanded, “Get me a wet towel or something.”

“
Heck, NO!” I spewed angrily. “Get it yourself.”

Tina wasn’t moving. I watched as he tried getting a response from her. “Marilyn, I need something wet or cold to put on her face. Her breathing is really shallow. She probably has a concussion, so we need to get her conscious right now.”