Counting the Days (10 page)

I would remember Tracy.

It sure was great being out of the house on Saturday. After I left the shelter, I stopped at a delicatessen and ordered a roast beef hero with the works. I sat on a bench in front of the deli and ate. I hadn’t done that in over a year. It was a great thing. I really missed being out among people.

As I ate, I watched some children playing in the park across from the deli. They were so peaceful, smiling and giggling as they ran around the playground, rolling around together in the grass. In this miserable world, they had no worries at all. They were in their own world. A world filled with peace and security. A world that had no prejudices, an extremely kind world, there was no difference and no superiority between gender and race in their world. The children played so well together, they almost seemed to be able to read each other’s movements. Even though they all were individual, they were synchronized, equal in some levels as children. The boys, even though aggressive, played gently with the girls, who clearly were more delicate. At one point, one of the little boys inadvertently pushed one of the little girls into the dirt and she began to cry. When he realized that she was crying, he tried consoling her with hugs and kisses. He even tried to help her wipe her little dress that now was dirty.

My heart felt sympathetic to her pain, and I immediately began to long for a little girl of my own. She was so adorable and precious. I suddenly felt ashamed thinking that I could ever raise a child with my monster of a husband. What was I thinking? Craziness, that’s all. Little did these children know that in the real world of grownups, there are men who mistreat women.

When Danny returned on Monday night, life continued the same as it had been. As far as I could see, he had no idea that I had ever left the apartment. I was pretty confident that no one had seen me. Well, at least I hoped no one had seen me. As the days passed, he never mentioned anything, so I assumed that nobody had and he had no clue.

Later that week, Danny was being really nice. He bought a couple of bottles of wine, which we drank over the next few days. The funny thing was that even though I would only have one glass and would drink it really slowly, every night I would get really drunk. Each morning Danny had to give me some aspirin along with my vitamins and my birth control pills. I was so hung over that I was really out of it. It’s as if I was being drugged or something. I don’t think Danny would do something like that. Would he? What would be his reasoning behind it? The wine must have been a really strong one. That’s all.

As the months passed though, I began getting ill. I remember waking up one morning very dizzy. When I tried getting out of bed, I got a head rush and began losing my balance. A weird sensation came over me, and I had to make a run for the bathroom. I began immediately vomiting. For days, the same thing happened repeatedly and the worst thing was that I couldn’t hold anything in my stomach. I didn’t have a fever or any cold or flu symptoms. I started becoming afraid, and asked Danny if I could go to a doctor. He flat out said ‘no’. Two or three months passed, and I was still feeling the same. Everyday he reminded me that I’d live. I rapidly began losing weight because I was always vomiting and had no appetite for any kind of food. I was getting scared for my life.

Over the years, I’d seen so many television movies where the husband would kill his wife by slowly poisoning her. I started getting paranoid and thinking, what if Danny was poisoning me? It is possible. I mean, he is capable and he wouldn’t let me go to the doctor or anything to see what was wrong. We’ve been together for over a year and maybe he’s tired of me. Maybe he figures, since no one sees me around anymore that he can get rid of me and no one will ever miss me.

Stop it, Marilyn, you’re thinking crazy now. Am I?

It’s not so far fetched. Is it?

One evening, I was serving Danny dinner when I began to feel really dizzy. I asked him if I could sit down a moment because I wasn’t feeling well. “Serve me first and then I don’t care what you do with yourself,” he grunted.

I prepared his plate, and while I was taking it to him, I became dizzy, lost my balance and dropped it. I didn’t fall, but his plate full of food did and shattered into a hundred pieces. I heard him screaming at me, but I felt like I was in a tunnel and it was all going black. I was beginning to lose consciousness, so I walked over to the kitchen sink, leaned over it and splashed some cold water on my face. The coolness of the water refreshed me for a brief moment, but then my stomach twisted and I began violently vomiting into the sink. Danny was still screaming at me, but I couldn’t hear him. When I stood back up, it all went black.

I woke up in Huntington Hospital. Danny was standing over me with a smile from ear to ear. “Hi sweetie…it’s nice to see those brown eyes.” He was so sickening, I wanted to vomit. I forced a smile back at him. “I was so worried about you. I’m so glad you’re okay.” Why was he smiling at me like that?

“
What did the doctor say is the matter with me?” I asked.

“
Honey, you don’t know how happy you’ve made me. I can’t keep it a secret anymore,” he said like a kid in a candy shop.

“
What?” I asked in anticipation.

“
We’re going to have a baby,” Danny said excitedly.

“
What?” I couldn’t believe my ears. Did he say what I think he said?

“
You are going to be a mommy,” Danny exclaimed. He began hugging and kissing me. I didn’t know how to react. I was stunned by both the news and his behavior. I really didn’t expect that something like this would make him happy. I, on the other hand, was totally blown away. I didn’t know what to think or how to feel.

“
A mommy?” I thought out loud. Regretfully I said, “A baby?” I didn’t mean to say it that way, it just came out like that. I do want children, but not with Danny. This couldn’t be possible. Danny could never be a good father. Ever!

“
What the heck is the matter with you? You should be overjoyed. You’ll have company now. Someone to talk to during the day. Isn’t that what you wanted?” He looked at me with such disgust and contempt. “I thought that you would be happy to have a baby. What kind of mother are you going to be?”

Remember the feeling you had a couple of months ago while watching those little children play…that feeling of want and joy. You should be feeling like that. You should be happy, right? Wrong! With all my strength, I mustered up a smile on my face and tried to look happy. “I am happy…I just don’t feel well,” I responded trying with all my might not to burst out in tears, “I just never suspected that I was pregnant.” Danny reached over, grabbed my hand and kissed it lovingly. He looked pathetically happy. Oh goodness, help me. Help us all.

The doctor decided that I should stay overnight for observation, so I watched television while Danny drooled over all the nurses. After a few hours, he left and I decided to take a walk. I walked over to the unit where my mother works and asked the nurse at the desk if she was in. She told me that she was in a room with a patient and would be right out. She then asked if she could help me with anything. I shook my head no and told her I’d wait for a few minutes. I thanked her for her kindness and informed her that I was Debra’s daughter. It was then that the nurse told me to hold on and literally ran to find mom. After a few moments of waiting, I chickened out and quickly returned to my room. I missed her so much, but I knew that I was a disappointment to her and I just couldn’t talk to her right now. I couldn’t face her. Not like this. I didn’t want to hurt her anymore. And to be honest, I was scared to death of seeing her. What if she rejects me?

In the middle of the night, I awoke to someone holding my hand. It was soft and I knew that this hand came from a loving source. “Mom?” I asked groggily. When I realized that I wasn’t dreaming, I quickly scooted up and tried to contain my excitement. I couldn’t believe it. She was really here. What a sight for sore eyes.

“
Sweetie, you should’ve called me. What’s going on?” she asked with that ‘concerned mom’ look on her face. “How are you?” All I wanted to do was grab her and hold her in my arms, but I knew that if I did, I would never let her go.

“
I feel a hundred percent better now that you’re here,” I said as I began crying. “Mom, I’m so sorry about the way that I acted the last time we were together…I’ve missed you so much.”

She leaned in and hugged me. It felt so good to be in her arms, so warm and secure. I didn’t want to let go. When she did finally let go…what am I talking about…when finally I let go, she began stroking my hair and said, “I’ve missed you too…but honey, really, what are you doing here?”

“
Well, a few months ago, I began having some dizzy spells and, well, tonight at dinner time I passed out. I’ve been vomiting a lot lately and I’ve been getting weaker and weaker. Danny wouldn’t…I mean, I ignored the symptoms and didn’t go to a doctor, and…” I hesitated and then took a deep breath. “Mom, I’m pregnant.” I began crying again. Please don’t hate me mommy.

My mother sat down next to me in disbelief. After a few moments and the initial shock passed, my mother smiled, took me into her arms and held me tight. I could feel her unhappiness and disappointment in her hug. “This is good news, honey. Having a baby is…is…a happy event,” she said reassuringly. She continued to hug me, but said nothing to console me. All she did was gently stroke my hair as I sobbed. Was she consoling herself?

I shook my head in agreement, “I know that having a baby is supposed to be a happy event, but…but” I said as the sobs came from deep within. She just couldn’t understand what a big mistake it was to have this baby. How could I tell her the truth about this hateful man that I was married to? How could I disappoint her that way? She gave me a wonderful life, a life filled with love and happiness, and I’ve given her nothing good in return…only heartache and lots of headaches. I’ve made such a mess out of my life, and look at her, she continues to love me anyway. How could she be so forgiving? I hope that one day I could be as forgiving with my child.

“
It’ll be alright, honey. When you’re feeling better we’ll go shopping for baby furniture and clothes. Lots of baby clothes. I’ll get all your friends together and we’ll throw you the biggest baby shower ever. Besides Danny, have you told anyone else?” she asked with a stiff upper lip.

She was trying to calm me down. She was also trying to make me happy about this supposedly blessed event. I am so scared. How can I tell her how scared I am? “No I haven’t told anyone else. I really don’t see my friends too often anymore.”

My mother presented a happy disposition, but deep down I could tell that she was sad at the same time. It was really a kind of odd expression. “Well, sweetie, I want you to relax and get lots of rest. Try and be happy. Think of the joy you’ll experience in the years to come. This baby will be a fourth generation Martinez. She or he will have the best of everything. I’ll make sure of that…” she paused for a moment and contemplated her next words. She began talking again, “Sweetie, you’re young and I know that you must be feeling overwhelmed. As the baby grows inside of you and you begin to feel it move around and when the doctor lets you hear its heartbeat for the first time, you will feel completely overjoyed and special. You’ll have an instant bond with that baby, way before its born. I can’t explain how you’ll feel, but the happiness will come from deep within your soul.”

“
I am happy, mom. Really I am.” I said trying to bring a smile to my face.

“
Liar,” she retorted with a smile. “I know you, honey. Tell me what’s really going on here.”

“
Nothing, mom,” I answered coyly, “It’s just such a big change and I guess I’m a little nervous. That’s all. The doctor seems to think that I might have complications due to something that he noticed. I think the word he used was hematoma. I can’t quite remember, but regardless, he thinks I’m on the high-risk side. He feels that I may have problems with bruising.”

“
A hematoma? And bruising?” she asked. Concern immediately sprang into my mother’s facial expression. “Honey, a hematoma is caused by internal bleeding. I don’t understand you’ve never had a problem with bleeding before. Have you injured yourself that you’d be bleeding or bruising? Let me take a good look at you.” She stood up and quickly removed my blanket before I had a chance to stop her. She immediately gasped and covered her mouth in shock at what she saw.

I grabbed the blanket back from her and quickly covered up. No one has ever seen my legs…no one. Of all the people to see, it would have to be my mother. The thoughts that must be going through her head must be nothing short of hatred…hatred for Danny that is. I could see her whole demeanor changing. It was hatred. It was plainly written on her face. “Mom, I’ve become really clumsy lately…must have something to do with my pregnancy or something. I don’t know,” I excused. “I’ve been banging into everything and anything lately. I’ve been such a klutz. It must have something to do with my being pregnant.”