Covet (42 page)

Tessa almost laughed with relief. She had been convinced he was going to tell her something awful, but instead it was really, really good news. “But that’s fantastic, Peter! I’m so happy for you!”

She flung her arms around his neck, hugging him close. Tessa pressed a kiss on his cheek, hoping, wishing, that tonight he might actually return her affections, might be able to make love to her for the first time in months.

But her hopes were dashed when he once again gently disengaged himself from her embrace and moved a short distance away from her. He kept her hands firmly clasped in his. “Thanks, Tess. It’s a great opportunity, exactly what I’ve wanted for a really long time. And I’m glad to know you’re happy for me. Though I’m guessing you won’t be when you hear all the details.”

Tessa regarded her husband warily. “What sort of details?”

Peter sighed, and ran a hand through his unruly hair. “The job is based in the Middle East,” he told her quietly. “That’s going to be my new territory. No more Asian trips.”

She gave a small shrug. “Is that a bad thing? I mean, how much longer are the flights to and from the Middle East than they were to Asia?”

He paused, as though choosing his words very carefully. “You don’t get it, Tess.
I’m
going to be based in the Middle East. Bahrain, to be exact. I’ll be relocating there, living there full time.”

Tessa felt like she’d taken a blow to the solar plexus, and struggled suddenly to breathe. “So – so we’re moving? Leaving San Francisco and moving to Bahrain?”

He shook his head. “Not we – me. I can’t take you with me, Tess. That’s not part of the job offer. I’ll be sharing a residence with three other journalists and photographers. And even if that wasn’t the set-up there’s no way I’d leave you alone for weeks on end over there. It’s a very different world for a female in the Middle East. You wouldn’t be able to get a decent job or go out and about anytime you wanted. Bahrain is a more modern country in that part of the world, but you still wouldn’t have the sort of freedom you have here and would have to be very careful all the time. I’d worry about you constantly every time I was away.”

The tears were beginning to well up hotly behind her eyes. “I’d be okay,” she whispered. “I’ll do whatever is necessary, just as long as I can go with you, so we can be together.”

“No, Tess. It wouldn’t be any kind of life for you. You’d be almost like a prisoner every time I was away,” he explained. “And I’m expecting to be away for even longer stretches than I am now – maybe a month or two at a time – places like Syria and Egypt and Iraq.”

The tears starting tracking slowly down her cheeks. “So – so how often will you be able to come home to see me?” she asked, her voice breaking.

Peter closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I get two weeks off each quarter.”

“That’s it?” she cried. “I’ll only get to see you eight weeks a year?”

“No. Let me finish. I’m not coming back to San Francisco. When I leave – that’s it. We need to end this, Tess. It’s way past time for that and we both know it. I’ve bided my time, tried to be patient, and even hoped that you’d finally be the one to throw in the towel, realize that neither of us can live this way any longer. But I finally realized that you’d never be the one to make the first move. So it’s up to me to end this thing, to make that decision for us. And that’s what I’ve finally found the guts to do. For your sake, Tess.”

She was weeping openly now, hiding her face in her hands as her body shook with sobs. “Please don’t do this,” she begged. “Don’t leave me, Peter. I don’t care if I can only see you a few weeks a year. Just don’t leave me alone forever.”

He took her into his arms gently, easing her head onto his shoulder. “Shh. Take it easy, okay? You know we have to do this, Tessa. We should have ended things a long time ago. This – what we have here – it isn’t a marriage and it never has been, not really. You know it as well as I do. And it’s never been fair to you for even one day.”

“That’s not true,” she protested weakly. “We have a good marriage. We love each other. You’ve been so good to me, Peter, taken care of me for so long. I – I can’t do this by myself.”

“You’re wrong, Tess. You’ve been taking care of yourself for almost two years now, every time I go away. And you’ve been doing great. I know you’re going to do just fine on your own,” he reassured her confidently.

She shook her head, clinging to his hand desperately. “That’s different. I always knew you were coming home soon. And we Skyped and texted and emailed. Are we – can we still keep – “

“No. At least not as often. You need to start over, Tess, to break the ties and finally have a real life, a real relationship. Not all the crap you’ve had to put up with for so long with me.”

“We do – I do -” she began to protest.

Peter stared at her in disbelief. “No, we don’t, Tess, and we never have. I’ve never been able to give you what you need and I doubt I ever will. You deserve so much more than what little I can give you.”

“I don’t care,” she told him fervently. “I’m perfectly happy with the way things are.”

“Bullshit. Come on, you’re a beautiful, healthy, normal twenty-four year old woman. Every time we’re out together I see the way guys look at us. They’re all wondering how a pathetic geek like me landed someone as hot as you, wonder what the hell you see in me.”

“Who cares what anyone else thinks?” asked Tessa passionately. “Our feelings are the only ones that matter.”

“Exactly. And I’ve always felt like an asshole for not being able to give you what you really need.” He squeezed her hand. “You know how fucked up I am, Tess. Everything that happened to me – it’s not something I can forget or get over that easily. I’m not sure I’ll ever really be normal or have a normal relationship. And I’m not going to make you suffer because of that any longer.”

“I don’t care about any of that,” she insisted. “All I care about is being with you.”

“Well,
I
care,” Peter stated firmly. “How do you think it makes me feel knowing that I’m not giving you what you need – that I can’t ever be the man you deserve? I feel like a total shit and certainly not like any sort of real man. So this has to happen, Tessa. For my sake as well as yours.”

She slumped against the back of the futon, her limbs limp and lifeless. “How am I going to cope without you, Peter?” she whispered brokenly. “I’m so afraid of being alone. You’re all I have.”

He twined a lock of her damp hair around his fingers, a habit he’d picked up years ago. “You’re going to be fine, Tessa. You’re so much stronger than you think, you just don’t see it now. And one day you’ll meet a guy who truly deserves you – one who can finally give you everything you need – a real marriage, a baby.”

“I don’t want anyone else,” she protested. “You’re all I’ve ever needed.”

“You’ve been the best wife any man could ever hope for – sweet, loyal, patient. You’ve never complained once about how crappy everything has been, how little we’ve had and how hard we’ve had to work. And you’ll always be my best friend. Forever.” He kissed her softly on the temple. “But it’s time for you to finally live, Tessa –
really
live, and not this shitty half-life we’ve been pretending to have for so long.”

Tessa choked on another sob and dashed away a fresh onslaught of tears with the back of her hand. “So what – what happens now?”

“I visited an old college friend this morning – you remember Kyle?” At Tessa’s nod, he continued. “He’s finishing up law school here in San Francisco and working part-time at some big firm. He offered to draw up papers for us, do all the busy work, and then get one of the attorneys to sign off on them.”

“Papers?” she asked in confusion.

“Divorce papers,” he confirmed gently. “Kyle will have them sent here for you to sign, and then you just return them to him. He’ll take care of forwarding them to me.”

“Oh, my God.” Tessa pulled her knees up to her chin, wrapping her arms around her shins. “God, are we really getting a divorce? It sounds so final.”

“Our marriage will be over, Tess, but not our friendship,” he reassured her. “We’ll always be family, okay? And I’ll help with money as much as I can. The lease on this place isn’t up until April, you know, and you won’t be able to afford the rent on your own. I’ll put some money in your account each month until the lease is up and you can move to a cheaper place.”

She hid her face against her bent knees, unable to think about practical things like paying bills or eventually having to move. “How long?”

“The divorce will take a few months to be final.”

“No, that’s not what I meant,” she corrected. “How long until – you leave?”

“I fly to New York tomorrow morning. I’ll be going through a two week orientation program, finalizing my work visa and stuff like that. I leave for Bahrain after that.”

Tessa heaved a weary sigh. “So this is it, huh? Our last night together. Can’t we have a few more days, Peter? So I can get used to the idea a little.”

“It’s better this way, Tess,” he insisted. “I know you won’t agree, but if I stay any longer you’ll just try to convince me to forget about everything. And I’ve been putting a move like this off for far too long already. It’s time, Tessa. Time for both of us to start over.”

Her bottom lip trembled. “I know I’ve held you back. I know the only reason you stayed with me so long was because I was too helpless to take care of myself.”

“That’s bullshit, Tess. We’ve gone over this too many times to count. You are not helpless or incompetent or dumb. Or any of the other unflattering terms you always insult yourself with. You’re smart and capable and you amaze me every day with how much you’ve grown.”

She raised huge eyes to him. “I’m scared, Peter,” she confessed in a trembling voice. “Scared of being alone. And terrified that I’m going to be like her.”

“You aren’t. You won’t. You’re nothing like your mother, Tessa, nothing,” Peter assured her fiercely. “You’re so much stronger than you’re even aware of. And I know how hard this is but you’re going to be okay. If I didn’t believe that I wouldn’t be leaving.”

“Will you hold me?”

He took her into his arms, rocking her gently as though she were a small child. “Of course I will.”

“I knew something bad was going to happen today. I felt it the minute I woke up. God, I hate Wednesdays,” she said bitterly.

“Shh. It’s just a silly coincidence, nothing more. I’ve been telling you that for years, and it’s the truth Now, we should both get some rest. My flight leaves pretty early in the morning.”

Tessa wasn’t certain she could sleep, given how upset she was, but as she snuggled close against Peter she did manage to fall into a somewhat restless slumber, hoping against hope that she would wake to find all of this was just a bad dream.

But when her alarm went off the next morning, she was once again alone in the bed, as she was so often these days. And this time, Peter wouldn’t be back. It was just her now, no one else to depend on, no husband or family or close friends. And somehow, some way, she was going to have to learn all over again how to cope with being entirely on her own in the world.

She should have been frightened, or at the very least nervous, given that she was alone in a dimly lit room, and not only completely nude but laid out on a polished wood table. Her arms and legs were stretched in opposite directions, nearly in a spread eagle position, and though she couldn’t see the ties that bound her in place they were definitely there, holding her captive. But likely a willing captive, considering her total lack of fear or apprehension. It was as though she knew what awaited her, knew
who
awaited her
.

His scent preceded him into the room, the scent that she would always recognize as belonging solely to him. It was a heady, sensual smell, a thoroughly masculine scent that could never be reproduced in a bottle. She knew, then, who he was, and why she was here, and even before he could do so much as touch her she was aroused and ready for what was to come
.

He was still half in shadow, only the profile of his sinfully handsome face revealed to her. For once he was unshaven, the strong planes of his cheeks and jaw darkly stubbled, but she realized that she preferred him this way. His hand reached out and gently, tenderly, cupped her flushed cheek, his thumb brushing softly over her trembling lips
.

“
Tessa
.”

The sound of her name was a whispered caress, and she began to breathe a bit unsteadily as he continued to touch her cheek. “I’m here,” she murmured. “Just as you said I would be one day
.”

He laughed softly as his fingertips trailed a sensuous path across her collarbone. “You have a very good memory. And you’re quite right, Tessa. I told you that one day I would claim you for my own, when the time was right. And it’s finally right, isn’t it, my love? But I already know that the wait has been well worth it. My God, look at you
.”

She gasped as he drew his index finger down between her breasts ever so slowly, as though he had been anticipating this moment for a very long time. Unhurriedly, he rubbed his thumb over each of her already taut nipples, and his sensuous smile deepened at the low whimper she emitted at this very deliberate arousal
.

“
Beautiful,” he rasped, his hand gently squeezing her right breast. He bent his dark head to run his tongue over the nipple. “Mine
.”