Craving Perfect (9 page)

Couldn’t she at least recognize that part of me?

My throat thickened to the point that it was impossible to reply. I felt frustration and more tears building behind my eyes and inside my chest. Another word and I would have started to sob.

“She’s kind of had a rough day,” Max said when I couldn’t form words. “Not herself.”

An understatement
. That was like another stomach punch.

“Well, then my crumble cake ought to cheer you right up, honey.” She patted my hand before giving it a final squeeze. I reached out for her as she turned but I wasn’t fast enough.

“I’ll be right back with your coffee,” Mom said over her shoulder, heading toward the kitchen.

“Crumble cake?” Max chided, wide-eyed. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you eat cake before. Loaded with fat grams.”

Breathing heavy, I watched Mom till she disappeared into the kitchen. “Don’t knock it till you try it.” Then I blurted, “And there’s a lot you don’t know about me.”

Max leaned back against the booth. “That so?” He said it like a challenge, just as Kathryn walked out of the kitchen. Her cheeks were flushed.

And she was also very pregnant.

My jaw dropped, a mixture of shock and gratitude just to see her face.

“Miss Collins?” Kathryn approached the table slowly, almost embarrassed.

“Please, call me…Callie.” I swallowed, waving a hand into the air. But I locked onto her eyes with mine, wondering if perhaps she would recognize me, my only sister and best friend.

“I had to come out and say hello. My whole family watches Channel 2 news. We’re big fans,” she added, although I couldn’t understand why, especially after my latest performance.

“Thank you,” I said anyway, swallowing again. I continued to stare at her. Then I remembered to clear my throat. “So, when are you expecting?” My eyes drifted to her stomach.

“Next month.” She patted the bulge there. It was the first time she smiled, but it was more a smile of relief than happiness. “Finally.”

“Boy or girl?”

“Girl. Eddie and I are very excited…”

“Eddie?” My head began to bob a little.

“Yeah, Eddie Cahill. He’s my husband.” Her face beamed. “He’s an architect.”

Yes, I know.
“And I’m sure Mom and Dad—I mean, your parents—are excited about being grandparents?” My question was rhetorical. Of course my parents would have been thrilled.

Kathryn nodded.

I exhaled as my eyes swept around the diner. “And she’ll grow up here just like you did?”

The brightness faded from her face, replaced by something else.

“I’m sorry,” I said quickly. “I didn’t mean to pry.”

Kathryn shook her head. She looked toward the kitchen and then back at me, as if she was getting ready to tell me a secret. “No, s’okay. It’s just that Eddie and I are planning to leave after the baby is born.”

My chin pulled back. “Really?”

“Really.” Kathryn began to fidget. Then she whispered, “But my parents don’t know that yet.”

“Why?”

“Been here my whole life.” She leaned closer, still whispering. “I’m ready for a change.”

“Where will you go?” I couldn’t stop myself from prying.

“Jeez, Callie. Stop interrogating her,” Max joked, but there was a serious edge in his voice.

But I wanted her to stay with me, so very badly, if only a little while longer. I swallowed and tried to smile. “Well, have you picked out a name yet?”

“We’re going to call her Grace. Grace Laura Cahill.”

My hand rose to my mouth. I had to bite my lower lip to stifle a whimper.

“My mother and I have always loved the name, Grace.” She looked from Max to me. “Not sure why, exactly. We just do. It’s pretty, don’t you think?”

Max, meanwhile, stared across the table and studied me suspiciously. I knew what he was thinking:
Grace. There’s that name again…

I forced a smile, mostly for Kathryn’s benefit. “That’s a beautiful name. I wish you and Eddie all the best.” But then my voice caught, really caught, like a peach pit in my throat. I could take no more.

Just like inside the television studio under the hot lights, the room started to spin and I had to close my eyes for a few seconds, bracing my arms against the table, till the wave passed.

“You okay?” Kathryn leaned closer.

I turned to Max and whispered, “We better go. I’m not feeling very well.” I looked back at Kathryn. “Please tell…your mom…that I’m very sorry we had to run.”

Kathryn’s brow furrowed. “You sure we can’t wrap it up for you? Maybe for later?”

I shook my head. “We have to get back to the studio. Some other time, maybe.” I forced another smile as an invisible rope wrapped tighter around my chest. I needed air.

Max and I stood to leave.

“Well, you’re welcome back anytime,” Kathryn added.

Another lump stung my throat. “Thank you,” I mouthed as I placed my hand on the door handle.

Just as I pushed open the door, I heard a deep thunderous laugh from the kitchen, followed by Mom’s soft, lilting one. It was Dad. And it was Dad’s laugh. I fought the urge not to run back into their arms. My chest ached from seeing them, from missing them all over again.

“Come on, Callie.” Max stood behind me. “You wanted to go, so let’s
go
already.” He nudged me forward and I pushed harder on the door. The bell jingled.

As soon as I was outside, I inhaled a deep gulp of fresh air and squinted into the sunlight as the bell faded. “There’s one more place I need you to take me.”

“Where?”

“I have to get back to my sister. She needs my help.”

“You have a sister?”

I didn’t answer. But from my tone, Max knew better than to say no.

We drove directly to Goldie’s Gym. Max had stopped asking questions that I wouldn’t—couldn’t—answer. Finally, he simply drove in silence.

It gave me a few precious minutes to think a little more clearly. I found a scrap of paper and pen inside Callie’s purse. And then I jotted down this note on my right thigh, away from Max’s prying eyes:

“What are you writing?” Max asked me at the first stoplight.

I folded the note and tucked it back inside Callie’s purse, not really knowing when—or if—she’d even find it. But I had to tell her something. “Just making a grocery list for tonight.”

Max’s eyes widened with surprise. “Seriously?” The car began to move again.

I turned to gaze out the window, watching cars and streetlights pass by, trying to refocus on what I needed to do. “Seriously.”

We drove the rest of the way in silence.

With a lowered chin, I strode through the front entrance of Goldie’s Gym moments after Max parked the car. He refused to wait in his car like I asked and followed close behind me. It seemed like days since I’d been to the gym instead of only hours.

A grin that could bridge an ocean spread across Front Desk Guy’s face. “Callie!” he gushed. “Two workouts in one day?” He sounded impressed. “But, where’s your bag?”

I didn’t answer.

“We won’t be long, Chad,” Max said behind me. “Callie thinks she may have left something behind this morning. A necklace, or something.”

Yeah, I left something behind! My other life!
I wanted to scream.

Ignoring them both, I headed straight for the aerobic room and the treadmill that I’d used this morning.

Fortunately, it was unoccupied. I only hoped that I could get it to work its magic, although I really wasn’t sure how. All I knew was that I was running as fast as I could and somehow wound up here with a bump on the back of my head—and in someone else’s body.

I sat on the edge of the treadmill and removed my black six-inch heels. Quickly, I rubbed the toes on each foot. My feet couldn’t fail me now. I rummaged inside Callie’s purse, looking for a rubber band—anything to pull my hair back—but all I found were a driver’s license, a half-dozen gold and platinum credit cards and about $200 in cash.

“What exactly are you doing, Callie? First you say you need to see your sister—someone, by the way, you’ve never mentioned before today. Then you tell me you lost a necklace. Which is it?”

“You should have stayed in the car, Max.” I glanced up at him.

He shook his head as though I was a little bit crazy. “What is going on? What is wrong with you?”

I stood. “You’d never believe me if I told you.” Without heels, Max towered over me. I took one last look at his soft hazel eyes. It’d be the last time I’d probably get so close to him. I reached up and cupped his cheek. There was just the slightest hint of stubble.

His expression softened. “Try me.”

I let my hand drop and then reached for both of his hands. My skin tingled all the way up both arms just from holding him. But then his expression grew worried and I forced a smile. Quietly, I said, “I need to run.”

“Run?” He squeezed my hands tighter. “But, you don’t have your running shoes…”

My hands twisted inside his and he finally let go. “Thanks for all your help today. It means a lot.” I stood on tiptoe to kiss his lips. God, they were soft and tasty, but I quickly pulled away.

Max’s brow furrowed, studying me.

As much as I wanted Max Kramer—every glorious inch of him—it wouldn’t be right. I was a total fraud. He wanted Callie Collins, not Grace Mills. Better to keep him as my secret fantasy.

I stepped onto the treadmill.

Max gripped the metal side bar. “Callie.” His eyes pleaded with mine.

But I began to push buttons on the control panel.

Three people on the elliptical machines next to us had to be wondering why a shoeless woman in a pencil skirt and shimmery expensive pantyhose wanted to run on a treadmill. They stared back at us, wide-eyed, but said nothing.

I didn’t care. I had to get back home, back to my own life.

Like this morning, I pressed the UP arrow to three miles per hour. The rubber tread felt cold and lumpy against my feet.

Max stood alongside me. His gaze darted from side to side, embarrassed, and he didn’t appear to know what to do with his hands. Finally, he just gripped the treadmill bar, as if that would get me to stop. For a moment, I thought he was going to reach up and press the STOP button.

When I looked up from the control panel, I spotted Carlos’s reflection in the mirror. He was wiping down equipment behind us. Even he watched me curiously. I smiled at him, just a tiny one to tell him that I really wasn’t crazy, but he didn’t smile back. He simply lowered his head and returned to the machines as though he really didn’t care what I did.

I reached down and pressed the UP arrow again, even more determined this time. I increased the speed to four miles per hour and began to jog.

Then I jacked the speed to five.

Running with Callie’s legs felt a lot easier than running with my own. My heart didn’t pound as hard so I could focus on my breathing. And just like last time, I inhaled through my nose and exhaled through my mouth.

In and out. Long breaths.

You can do this. You’ve
got
to
. I refused to let myself consider what would happen if the treadmill failed me.

In and out.

Soon, my legs and calves started to burn, especially as my heels ground into the bumpy rubber tread.

So far, so good
.

“Callie,” Max said over the motor. “Stop this. You look ridiculous.”

But I shook my head and tried to smile, even as my hair began to tumble all around my face. There was no way someone like Callie Collins would ever look ridiculous.

Carefully, I pressed the UP arrow to six miles per hour.

Then seven.

I’d never ever run at seven.

Deep breaths. In and out.

My legs began to burn and I continued to concentrate on my breathing. Soon, my heels turned numb and all of my toes tingled.

Through my hair, I saw Carlos. The corner of his mouth turned up. He smiled at me, oddly, just as my legs found the will to push faster.
Did he recognize me?
I wondered.

And then suddenly, my eyes closed briefly and I felt nothing, even as my legs ran faster. When I opened them, colors swirled in between the strands of my hair until everything was black and gray. My footsteps pounded against the tread, keeping perfect rhythm with the beating inside my chest and above my temples. The pounding soon filled my ears like a downpour.

Somewhere far away, I heard Max’s voice. “Callie! Callie!”

But I concentrated harder even as my lungs burned.

Max’s voice faded. “Callie! Stop!”

I commanded myself to run faster. Before it was too late.

“Thirsty?”

“What?” My eyelids fluttered as I turned toward the voice. My whole body jarred up and down from running.

“You’ve been at it for almost thirty minutes. And you look ready to pass out. You need water.” He held out a water bottle.

“I have?” I glanced down at the control panel, as my eyes swept over my body, starting with my hands, then my arms, and finally my legs. A gasp lodged in my throat.

It was mine. All mine.

I was back.

“Yeah,” I stammered. “Um, yeah, I guess. You’re right. Thirsty…”

Immediately, I pressed the DOWN arrow, lowering the speed from six miles per hour. I watched the red bars grow smaller until it was slow enough to walk. The pounding still beat against my temples but at least it wasn’t loud enough to drown out everything else. My legs, though, burned as though they’d been set on fire. I rubbed my sides, more to make sure it was really me. I felt the stubble on my thighs. Definitely me—the old me.

But at least I hadn’t fallen again.

I grabbed the side rails as the treadmill slowed to a stop. Sweat poured from my forehead, clouding my eyes. I blinked the sweat away. Then I stared back at myself in the mirror.

My face was beet-red and my hair was a tumbleweed disaster. I wore my orange oversized ASU T-shirt that covered most of my thighs. My black spandex running shorts peeked out from the bottom.

But for once I smiled with relief instead of frowned at my own reflection.

I made it. Somehow I made it back.

“Here,” Carlos said again.

This time I took the water bottle and proceeded to guzzle almost half of it. “I did it,” I said, pausing between gulps. My chest still heaved with exertion. “I’m back. I’m really back.”

Carlos’s brow furrowed. “Back from where?”

I shook my head, unable to stop from grinning.

“Are you training for a marathon, Grace?” Carlos smiled at me curiously, just the way I’d left him.

I was really starting to like the way he said my name. It rolled so easily off his tongue and almost sounded pretty. “You might say that,” I said with less difficulty as my heart rate slowed. “But it just felt like I ran for days.”

“No, just thirty minutes. I’ve been watch—” But then he stopped. He glanced sideways at the front desk, as if he just remembered he needed to be someplace else.

“Thanks for the water, Carlos,” I said quickly. I didn’t want him to get in any trouble babysitting me. “You have no idea how much I needed that.”

Carlos’s cheeks brightened all over again. And he didn’t leave my side. “Here, let me help you.” He took the water bottle and placed it in the cup holder. “You should probably keep walking for a few more minutes. Your face is pretty red.”

I turned and glanced across the room at the mirror again. “Oh, yeah. Definitely.” I looked like a tomato.
If only Carlos knew what I used to look like. Callie Collins would never have looked like a wet rag, even after a thirty-minute run.

But, what was I saying? What just happened here? How could this have happened?

A nervous chuckle caught in my throat.

“What’s so funny?” Carlos asked.

“I don’t even know where to begin.” I stepped down from the treadmill. My legs wobbled so I held on to the rail. “But I can tell you it will be a long time before I use this treadmill again. It’s definitely cursed.”

“What? Why?” His forehead wrinkled. He reached for my arm, like he was scared I would fall, which with me was usually a given. “Something wrong with it? It’s brand-new. We just got it yesterday.”

“No, nothing’s wrong with it,” I lied. “I just think…I may have gone overboard this morning.”

“Maybe you just pushed yourself too hard. Maybe you ran too far?”

I sighed. “You could definitely say that.” I paused, my heart finally thumping at normal levels. Then I said, “Carlos, can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

My tongue dragged across my lips. Despite the water, they still felt dry. Like my throat. “Do you know anyone at the gym named…Callie Collins?”

He looked back at me, unblinking. Then he shook his head.

“You sure?”

“What’s she look like?”

I exhaled, loudly.
She’s perfect.
“Tall, blonde, thin. Gorgeous.”

He smirked, his nose wrinkling.

“She’s a weathergirl. I think.”

“You mean, like, on the news?”

I nodded, hopeful.

“I don’t really have time to watch the news.” Carlos thought about it another second. “But she doesn’t sound familiar. Sorry.”

“But you’d remember if you saw her.”
Who wouldn’t?

His shoulders shrugged. “Maybe.”

“Well, thanks anyway.”

I sped home from Goldie’s Gym in my yellow Volkswagen as fast as the law would allow, windows down, letting the cool air splash across my face.

Rather than pull into my parking space in the alley behind the Desert Java, I found an empty space on the street out front. Call me crazy, but I wanted to be sure that everything was the way I left it. The way it was meant to be.

While the engine idled, my eyes scanned every inch of the two-story brick building—the door, the new sign, the way the sun slanted into the front windows, the worn green awning that needed to be replaced one of these days when we had a little extra cash. I sucked back a breath and I would swear I smelled coffee brewing.

It was all there. Just as I left it this morning. Every wonderful, crazy, sometimes dysfunctional inch of it.

I sank back into my seat and sighed. I was home. And I was inside my own body, the only one where I knew how to work all of its parts.

I still had no idea how to explain what happened. Could I have been dreaming?

But that was some dream—hallucination was more like it. Maybe I hit my head harder last week than I thought. Maybe I needed to talk to somebody, a doctor. Maybe even a shrink.

Through the windows, I spotted Kathryn straightening tables and chairs and my chest tightened. She had a roll of old newspapers underneath one arm, probably wondering why I was late.

If she only knew! And if only I could tell her.

The trouble was I could barely believe any of it myself.

I shut off the engine, fed the parking meter, and practically skipped to the front door.

“Why’d you park in front?” Kathryn asked me, clearing her throat as she continued to straighten chairs that were already straightened.

Before I could answer, I tossed my gym bag on an empty chair inside the door and ran to hug her, practically body slamming her in the process.

“Huh?” Kathryn’s body froze in my arms. “What’s wrong?”

Without answering, I ran from her to the black-and-white family photograph above the cash register.

I grinned at it.

I was back in the middle, wedged next to Kathryn, our arms wrapped around each other, all decked out in Easter dresses and matching patent leather purses. I was right back where I was supposed to be. I took a deep breath, pressing my hands against my neck, fingering my necklace.

“What happened?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” My body still perspired. Still staring at the family photo, I winced. And then I forced out the question. “Hey, have you ever heard of anyone named…Callie Collins? I think she’s on the evening news or something…” I tried to sound vague.

Kathryn chuckled darkly. “I wouldn’t know. I haven’t been able to watch the news in years.” She sniffed. As if she was crying. “Too busy keeping this place from bankruptcy.”

I spun around to get a look at her, a good look. Her eyes were bloodshot. Red splotches dotted both pale cheeks.

I moved closer. “What’s wrong?”

Her lip quivered. She turned away, wiping her nose with the back of her hand.

“Tell me,” I pressed. “Why have you been crying?” I followed her until she pulled a chair from a table and dropped down with a heavy sigh. “If it’s this month’s receipts, don’t worry. We’ll make it. We always do, you know that.” I sat across from her, our knees touching.

She chuckled again into her hand.

“Come on.” I leaned closer. “Tell me.”

“It’s nothing, really.” She pulled a tissue from her pocket and continued to avoid my eyes.

“It sure doesn’t look like nothing. You better tell me, ’cause I’m not budging.”

“Eddie proposed this morning,” she blurted.

My eyes widened, just as she covered her face in her hands. I leaned lower, confused. Then I shook my head and had to coax speech from my mouth. “And a proposal from one of the best-looking and nicest guys in Tempe makes you cry?”

A half sob, half chuckle stuck in her throat before she started sobbing into her hands.

Instinctively, I reached for one of her hands and pressed it between mine. But that only made her cry harder. “Kathryn?” My voice softened. “What is wrong? You’re scaring me. Tell me what’s really bothering you?”

Kathryn just shook her head. She wouldn’t answer.

Goosebumps ran up my arms, and not the good kind. My breathing quickened with confusion and fear. “At least show me the ring.” I forced a smile. My eyes scanned her fingers but they were all bare, especially the most important one.

Kathryn finally raised her head and looked at me. Her nose was runny and red. She hiccupped. “I didn’t even look at the ring. I…I couldn’t.” Her shoulders shrugged.

My eyes stretched wider. “Are you insane?”

“Eddie’s dad wants him to open an office in San Diego.”

The room fell silent.

“Oh.” I leaned back. The reality of her news began to wrench inside my stomach, kind of like the wet tissue between her hands.

Her eyes lowered again and she focused on her hands, twisting the ratty tissue between them as if she was trying to create origami. She sniffed. “And he wants him to move there…in two months.”

“Move. San Diego?” It seemed so far.

Kathryn nodded. Her bloodshot blue eyes looked across at me helplessly. She looked even worse than I felt.

“Well…what are you going to do?” More goose bumps raced up and down my spine.

“I don’t know, Grace. I wanted to talk to you first. I don’t know what I should do.”

The room grew so silent that I could hear the hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen. The coffee pots paused from gurgling and hissing as if they too waited for my answer. I knew that I should tell her what she wanted to hear but the right words lodged in my throat. I didn’t know whether I felt guilty for not telling her to go or selfish for even thinking it.

But there was only one answer. She had to go. I didn’t have to like it, but it was what she wanted. It was what I came back to tell her. I needed her to hear me say the words.

Before I could respond, someone rapped on the front door, jolting us both upright.

“It’s probably just Charlie.” Kathryn wiped her nose with the back of her hand. “We better get back to work.” She stood, avoiding my gaze.

“Let’s talk later? Please?” There was so much I needed to tell her.

But Kathryn barely acknowledged my existence before turning for the door.

It was another busy day.