Cross My Heart (23 page)

Clint jumped to his feet. "That's enough, dammit! I
haven't been making love with Dinah."

Elyse cringed, and felt a crack in her emotional armor.
Obviously she wasn't as detached as she'd thought. She sank back in the
chair and closed her eyes. "You're right, we've all had enough," she
said, and her voice wasn't quite so clear. "I guess we'd better get
this over with as quickly as possible."

She stood and unfastened the gold chain that hung around
her neck, pulling the emerald ring from its hiding place under her
blouse. She laid it in the palm of her hand and held it out to him. "I
guess I always knew I'd never wear this," she said sadly.

Clint jammed his hands into the pockets of his robe. "The
ring is yours. I expect you to keep it and wear it."

Elyse turned her hand over and let the expensive jewel
drop to the floor. "I can't be used and then paid off, Clint."

She stood and walked regally to the door, opened it, then
shut it quietly behind her.

By the time she got back across the bridge and to the car
her composure was rapidly disintegrating. She wasn't prepared to find
Alice sitting quietly in the passenger seat. Elyse leaned down and
looked through the open window, but before she could say anything Alice
spoke. "Get in and drive down the road and around the corner. I need to
talk to you."

Without saying a word Elyse did as she was told and
stopped the car on the shoulder out of sight of the house.

She turned and looked at Alice. The housekeeper shifted
uncomfortably. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop," she began, "but I couldn't
help overhearing. I know it looks bad, but I think you should know that
there's nothing… wrong… going on between Clint
and Dinah Jefferson."

Elyse clutched the steering wheel and shook her head.
"There isn't anything wrong about making love."

"There is if one of the people doing it is betraying
someone else's trust. Clint wouldn't do that to you. I know what I'm
talking about. Oh, I don't mean he's blameless—he should have
let me turn her away when she first came on Wednesday. He wasn't
feeling up to having company, and he couldn't have…
uh…"

Alice's face was red, and Elyse was touched by the older
woman's insistence on saying what she felt she must say, even though it
was acutely embarrassing to her.

Elyse reached out and touched her arm. "Alice," she said
softly, "it's very dear of you to want to spare me, but I'm not judging
Clint. He's been in love with Dinah for a long time, and now that she's
back—"

The housekeeper shook her head. "No, ma'am, you don't
understand. I'm not covering up for him. I know that those two haven't
been messin' around. I've been here all day every day this week, and
it's true that Dinah was with him most of yesterday, but they were
never alone long enough to—to—oh, shoot, he's not
tusslin' her in bed or anywhere else."

The poor woman was red all over and deeply mortified to be
discussing such an intimate subject. Elyse knew she was telling the
truth. If she hadn't felt it so strongly she would never have talked
about it so openly. Elyse was sure that when her own emotions thawed
she'd feel greatly relieved.

She patted Alice's arm. "I believe you, and thanks for
telling me. I know it's been difficult, and it does make it easier for
me, but it doesn't change anything. I couldn't hold him to a marriage
he no longer wants."

Alice shrugged. "If he doesn't come after you he's a darn
fool. That Dinah's a nice woman, but she's given him nothing but
sorrow." She opened the door and got out of the car. "I'll walk back to
the house." She shut the door and walked away before Elyse could say
anything.

There were tears on Elyse's face when she got home, and
soon afterward the numbness receded and the pain surged with delayed
force. She was glad Janey was gone, because the sobs that shook her
couldn't be held back.

She'd learned after Jerry's death to give vent to her
crying spells, and eventually they'd hurried the healing. She wasn't
sure why she'd been targeted to lose at the game of love a second time,
but she'd better get all her tears spent now, because she had no
intention of letting her young daughter see her cry.

Early the following morning Clint appeared on Elyse's
doorstep.

She and Janey had just finished their breakfast, and since
it was Saturday, neither was dressed. Elyse wore a cotton robe over her
nightgown and Janey hadn't yet changed out of her Mickey Mouse pajamas.
She jumped down from her chair and raced for the door when the bell
rang.

She pulled aside the curtain that covered the glass panels
and wiggled with excitement. "It's Clint! Hurry, Mommy, it's Clint. Hi,
Clint."

Elyse wasn't altogether surprised. She'd known that Clint
wouldn't just let her walk away from him like that. He was too caring a
person to let her go without explanations and apologies and offers to
make things right, but she cursed her traitorous heart for accelerating
even as she slowed her steps. Her earlier protective shield of
acceptance had crumbled, and she was vulnerable and defenseless.

Janey was knocking on the glass and waving at him as she
called, "Come on, Mommy. Let Clint in."

Now Elyse had another burden to bear, which she'd been to
upset to think about before. How could she tell her happy and loving
child that her beloved Clint—hero, playmate and surrogate
father—wouldn't be coming around anymore?

She reached the door and opened it, and Janey flew into
Clint's arms. He held her tight and hugged her as she squealed with
delight. "You want some breakfast?" she asked. "We got pancakes."

Clint looked over Janey's shoulder at Elyse, seeking
permission. There was nothing she could do but give it, unless she
wanted to deal with her daughter right then and there.

She nodded, and Clint said, "I'd love some pancakes. Is
there coffee, too?"

The child bobbed her strawberry blond head up and down.
"An' orange juice an' eggs an' you can sit next to me."

Elyse turned and led them down the hall to the kitchen.

Clint continued to devote all his attention to Janey while
Elyse fixed his breakfast. When she'd finished she put it on the table
in front of him and excused herself to go upstairs and dress, leaving
them alone.

As she pulled on an old pair of jeans and a blue-and-white
striped pullover shirt she noticed that her hands were shaking. So be
it. She'd never claimed to be an automaton, and she still loved the
man. It would take her a long time to get over that, but she wasn't
going to dress up for him and pretend this was a social visit.

Why hadn't he given her more time to pull herself
together? Last night she'd hardly slept, but neither could she think.
She'd finally turned on the television and watched a couple of old
movies, but when they'd ended she realized she hadn't the least idea
what they were about.

Playing for time now, she made the beds in her room and
Janey's. But eventually time ran out, and she had to go downstairs and
face the situation—and Clint. She glanced at her ravaged face
in the mirror and wondered why she'd been in such a hurry to grow up
when she was younger.

She found Clint and Janey in the family room, sitting on
the couch, watching cartoons on television. Janey was curled up on his
lap, and Clint rested his chin on the top of her head. A sharp stab of
anguish jolted Elyse. He did love Janey, and he would have been a
marvelous father, both for her and for the children they would have had
together.

She took a deep breath and looked away for a moment before
she walked into the room. "Janey," she said, interrupting the child's
concentration on
The adventures of Alvin and the Chipmunks
,
"I laid your clothes out on your bed. You'd better run up and get
dressed."

Janey huddled deeper in Clint's arms. "Aw, Mommy, we're
watchin' the Chipmunks."

Clint straightened up and lifted her off his lap. "Do as
your mother says, honey. You can finish watching the program on the set
upstairs. Now scoot."

"Don't go till I get back, promise?" she asked.

"Cross my heart," he said, drawing an X on the left side
of his chest. Then he gave her a playful shove in the right direction,
and she laughed and scrambled out of the room.

Elyse turned off the set and sat down in the chair beside
it. "All right, Clint, what do you want?"

Gone was the smile and the good humor he'd displayed for
Janey. He looked even worse than she did. But of course, he'd been sick
for a week, which would explain it. He slumped forward and put his
elbows on his knees. "How can you even ask what I want? We have so much
to talk about, to straighten out."

She bit back a groan. Why couldn't he just say "It's been
nice knowin' ya" and leave? Was it really necessary to hash over the
whole thing?

"No, we don't," she said firmly. "I'm not asking for
explanations. I wish you'd been more truthful with me, but I've known
all along how you felt about Dinah—"

"That's nothing short of miraculous," he snapped, "since
it's a hell of a lot more than I've known. I wish you'd stop jumping to
conclusions and let me tell you."

Elyse sank back in her chair and closed her eyes. "I'm
sorry, but this is very painful for me. I'd hoped we wouldn't have to
put ourselves through a long postmortem."

"There's no postmortem unless something dies," he said
quietly, "and our engagement isn't dead. I haven't been committing
adultery with Dinah."

She opened her eyes. "You can't commit adultery unless one
of the partners is married. Are you telling me Dinah has a husband?"

"No, but I have a fiancée, and in my book that's every bit
as binding as marriage. I wouldn't cheat on you, Elyse."

Oh, God, if he'd only go away and leave her alone. She
couldn't take much more of this. It would be easier if he'd just let
her think the worst of him.

"I know you wouldn't, Clint. I'm sorry if I implied that's
what I thought."

His head jerked up. "You what? But you said—"

"I know what I said, and I'm telling you now that I know I
was wrong. I didn't come to that conclusion by myself, though. Alice
convinced me."

"Alice! What the hell does Alice know about it?"

The corners of Elyse's mouth quirked upward. "She knows
that you weren't, and I quote, 'tusslin' Dinah in bed or anywhere
else'."

Clint dropped his face in his hands and muttered an
obscenity. "So much for privacy in my own home," he grunted
sarcastically. "Would you mind telling me why you believed her and
not me or Dinah?"

"Not at all. If you'd seen how embarrassed she was to be
talking about it, you'd have believed her, too."

She told him about her conversation with his housekeeper
and how it had come about. "She's kind and thoughtful, and I appreciate
her trying to intervene. You have to admit you both looked guilty. How
would you have felt if Jerry were still alive, and he had left me and
you'd come over to find us coming out of my bedroom together, me
dressed in a nightgown and negligee and him in shorts and nothing else?"

He looked at her, and when he spoke his tone was rough.
"I'd have killed him first and asked questions later. When you put it
that way, I'd say you behaved with remarkable restraint. Does this mean
you'll take your ring back?"

She wasn't sure whether he sounded hopeful or apprehensive.

"No, Clint," she said sadly. "I know you're an honorable
man, but while you may be able to control your actions, you can't be
expected to control your feelings. You were honest when you proposed to
me. You told me you were in love with Dinah. I agreed to marry you
anyway because I loved you and I thought she was out of your life
forever. But now she's come back, and everything's changed."

He rubbed his hands across his face. "Elyse, when I asked
you to marry me I told you I was in love with
you
.
You asked about Dinah, and I said I
had been
in
love with her years ago. I haven't been nursing an unrequited passion
for the past four years. I'm not that self-destructive."

She wanted to go to him and put her arms around him, but
she couldn't. She didn't dare. If he held her, kissed her, she'd never
be able to give him up.

She shifted far back in the chair and planted her feet
firmly on the floor to hold herself there. "I know you didn't 'nurse'
your love for Dinah after she left, but it was there all the same. I
heard it in your voice and saw it on your face when you were telling me
about her. Even so, I think we could have been happy if she'd stayed
away, but now I'm no longer willing to take that chance. You're free,
for God's sake, so why are you arguing?"

"I'm arguing because I didn't ask to be free. You're the
one who's weaving romantic fantasies about me finally getting together
with my lost love and wandering off into the sunset. She wasn't lost,
dammit, and I didn't ask her to come back."

Elyse was taken by surprise. "You mean you knew where she
was all along?"

Clint shook his head. "No, but I could have found out with
very little effort."

Elyse's eyes widened. "Then why didn't you? Don't tell me
you didn't want her, because you've already described quite graphically
how broken up you were."

"That's true, I was. I went through hell, and frankly,
I've had all I intend to put up with. No man with any smarts is going
to give a woman a second chance to do that to him. I wasn't going to
force her to marry me or, worse yet, seduce her into it. If she's
changed her mind now, that's her problem."

Elyse was puzzled. Was he denying he was still in love
with Dinah? If so, why didn't he just come right out and say it?

She decided to probe, but carefully. "Has she changed her
mind, Clint?"

He hesitated. "I don't know. She says she's missed me."