Crusader (Battle Born Book 1) (19 page)

If he bombarded her with sexual images, would she lose interest in the exchange? He should have realized she wouldn’t be satisfied with a sanitized version of his past. She’d revealed the skeletons in her closet and now she expected him to do the same. “All right. I’ll guide you across the link and you can wander at will.”

Ashley braced for a mental deluge, but Bandar was incredibly gentle. His energy flowed into her mind, creating a sense of intimacy she’d never experienced before. She closed her eyes and relaxed back in the chair, letting him pull her along. There was a brief moment of silence and then she was surrounded by emotions, thoughts, images and random facts. The housekeeper was married to the chief of security. They’d once had a pet
legotta
named Keller. Then she saw a shaggy creature with bright green eyes and big floppy ears about the size of a Shetland pony. If that was Keller, it was no wonder Bandar had been confused by the concept of house pets. Bandar’s father’s first name was Harton. Like an immersive virtual reality, sensations swarmed her, every bit as tangible as her own, yet projected at her rather than originating from inside her.

“Focus on anything you want to explore and the other images will fade.”

She nodded, then realized he wouldn’t be able to see her if his eyes were also closed. “All right.”

It was easy to decide what she wanted to see. His resistance told her where to find the interesting situations. The first area he tried to protect was nearly back to his childhood. Bandar looked about twelve or thirteen. His features had just started to mature. He and his brothers were creeping through their father’s office, stumbling over the furniture as they made their way through the darkened room. It wasn’t clear why they were there or why they didn’t turn on the lights, but Garin snapped at Zilor, warning him to be quiet. Zilor shoved Garin in response and Garin shoved back. Zilor’s arms flailed as he tried to catch his balance and one of his hands caught an object proudly displayed on the corner of their father’s desk. The object flew off the desk and crashed against the nearest wall. Ashley couldn’t see the object clearly, but it appeared to be some sort of statue.

The scene shifted, the office was light. The three boys stood before their father’s desk hands clasped behind their backs. Zilor and Bandar were dressed in identical uniforms, but Garin’s uniform was blue rather than gray.

“Confess and your punishment will be lessened.” Anger and demand snapped through Harton Nox’s deep voice. Was his appearance shaped by Bandar’s perception or were his features really that imposing? With ultra-short hair, flashing blue-ringed eyes, and squared shoulders, he looked more drill sergeant than father. “I will not abide liars and miscreants!”

Bandar stepped forward, his young face devoid of emotion. Ashley’s heart clenched. He was still a child and already he’d learned how to hide his feelings. “It was an accident, sir. I tripped on the edge of the rug and my hand caught the statue. I should not have been in your office without permission. I accept responsibility for what I’ve done.”

After a momentary pause, Harton dismissed his other two sons with an impatient nod toward the door. Zilor hesitated, his wide, frightened gaze fixed on Bandar. Garin grabbed his arm and pulled him from the room as Bandar stoically waited for his punishment.

“Why did you lie for him?” She opened her eyes, but he was staring off into the distance, obviously lost in the past. “And why were you in your father’s office in the first place?”

“There was a blind spot on the surveillance coverage outside my father’s office. Garin had rigged it so we could crawl in and out the window without setting off the alarms. We did it frequently that summer. Then Father realized what we were doing and ended our fun.”

He still didn’t look at her, so she asked, “What did Zilor break? Your father seemed good and steamed about it.”

“My father’s youngest brother is an archeologist.” His gaze finally returned to her, but memories still haunted his expression. “The statue was the likeness of one of our ancient gods. It was a priceless piece of history. My father was furious.”

“If the statue meant that much to him, you had to have known he’d flip out. So why’d you cover for Zilor?”

He shrugged, but his indifference seemed forced. “It was a hard summer for Zilor. He’d just been punished for being disrespectful to one of his instructors. I knew Father wouldn’t deal with me as harshly as he’d deal with Zilor. The kid needed a break, so I protected him.”

She smiled, encouraging his openness. “That was very noble.”

“I learned to be protective from Garin. He’d been my whipping boy more than once.”

The brothers were obviously close, yet already distinctions were being made. “Why was Garin’s uniform a different color?” She suspected she knew, but she needed to hear it.

“He went to a different school, one Zilor and I weren’t allowed to attend.”

He didn’t need to say more. He’d already explained why Garin received preferential treatment. She just hadn’t realized it had started so young or that the differences had been so glaring.

Rather than dwell on the injustice, she let her eyes drift shut again. She floated through countless situations, shocked by the sameness of it all. Bandar’s life had been repetitive and strictly ordered. There were family outings, but those scenes became more and more infrequent as the boys became young men. Bandar managed to spend more time with Zilor because they attended the same schools. Garin, on the other hand, was relegated to holochats and holidays, and Bandar missed him very much.

He was barely old enough to grow a beard when flashes of combat entered the scenes. She almost asked how old he was when he first fired a weapon then decided she didn’t want to know. The brutality seemed to ebb and flow. There was nothing but battle scene after battle scene for what seemed like forever and then long stretches of training and boredom. The training wasn’t much better than the actual battles. Bandar’s life had been incredibly violent.

He tried to steer her away from a particularly bloody battle, but his efforts made her even more curious. She delved deeper into the memory until smoke stung her eyes and the bitter taste of blood filled her mouth. None of the other memories had been this detailed. Something about this incident had imprinted this event on Bandar’s mind. His pain shot through her body, yet his rage and utter focus drove them onward. He stumbled over uneven ground and moaning bodies, shooting a pulse rifle with one arm while he steadied a fallen comrade with the other. The other soldier was draped over Bandar’s shoulder. They were both covered in blood. When he reached the relative safety of a small ship, he lowered the wounded soldier to the ground and prepared to run back the way he’d come.

A hand grabbed his arm as a sharp voice commanded, “Get on board. I called the retreat.”

“But Phaton and Terrce are still out there,” Bandar shouted above the roar of the ship’s engines.

“They’re lost, Nox. Get on board. That’s an order!”

Fury and grief forced her out of the memory, leaving her breathless and dazed. She had to blink back tears when she opened her eyes.

“He was a useless coward.” Bandar made it sound like a snarl. “And I made damn sure the higher ups heard about what he’d done.”

“Good for you.” She offered a wan smile, but she was still shaken by the intensity of his emotions. Knowing he was a soldier and experiencing even a glimpse of what he actually went through were two very different things.

He closed his eyes, obviously waiting for her to continue her exploration. She flowed for a time, allowing him to guide her progress. He matured and advanced, was soon giving orders rather than receiving them. She stumbled across another dark scene and felt his mental pull, drawing her in another direction.

“Why are you guarding this one?” She didn’t want to intrude if it was something he wasn’t ready to share. He’d been respectful while she shared her past with him, and she’d poked and prodded in return.

“It’s just…” He sighed and let her in.

Bandar sat on a platform with four other uniformed soldiers. They each looked ridiculously handsome, yet overly serious. She wasn’t sure what the ceremony signified, but it was obvious the men were being honored. The image shifted to Bandar’s perspective as he looked out over the crowd. He spotted Garin and Zilor, but his heart fell when he realized his father wasn’t there.

His hushed voice drew her back to the present. “Father was a very busy man. His responsibilities were legitimate and demanding. It wouldn’t have bothered me if his limited time had been divided evenly. But he always made time for Garin, while Zilor and I received attention only when nothing else was going on.”

“That would piss me off too.” He was trying to minimize it, but she could feel how badly the inequity hurt him and how prominently it played into his current attitudes and aspirations. As he’d said, the battle born had been forsaken when they proved less useful than originally anticipated. The prejudice was wrong and Bandar intended to correct the mistake. He hungered for choices, rights and freedoms he had never known.

Easing back into his memories, she was disturbed again by the endless repetition. He laughed and harassed his companions, playing games of chance to pass the time. But more than anything, she felt the loneliness and his burning desire for something more meaningful.

She felt a blast of resistance as she neared another shadowy scene.

“Don’t.”

The finality in his tone made her open her eyes. “Why not?”

He scooted his chair closer to hers, not stopping until their knees touched. “That’s my first kill. I don’t want the darkness in my past to dim your light.” He reached over and placed his hands on her thighs. He didn’t move his fingers or make the motion any more intimate than physical contact between his body and hers. “I still see innocence in your eyes. I don’t want to corrupt that.”

She didn’t feel nearly as innocent as he obviously found her, but compared with his life, her problems were doubtlessly blips on a screen. “Your ‘first’ kill. Have there been many?”

“My first assignment was to a preemptive strike team. By taking out strategic targets, we were able to minimize losses on both sides.”

“You were an assassin?” She’d known he was a soldier and killing was part of war. Still the concepts didn’t sit well with her pacifist tendencies. Sometimes evil required action, but she couldn’t help feeling like war was attempting to fight evil with more evil.

Who was she to criticize his life? She advised pet owners for a living while he was trying to secure a brighter future for himself and the other battle born. The contrast was stark and evocative.

“I was seldom the person who actually pulled the trigger,” he said carefully. “But I was directly involved in numerous assassinations. Look, Ashley, I’ll tell you anything you want to know. I just don’t want those images in your mind.”

She accepted the compromise with a tense nod, no longer sure she wanted to witness any more of what he’d been through. “Are there no bright spots in your past? What about hobbies and… Do they ever let you leave the ship?”

He gathered her hands between his, lightly stroking her skin with his thumb. “I’ve spent my entire adult life on various spaceships. We’re offered as mercenaries when hostilities with the Bilarrians lull. It never ends. Officers are allowed two weeks of leave per year, and that is frequently broken up into two- or three-day segments. I have no hobbies. All of my friends are fellow soldiers. And that is all I can ever expect if I remain with the RPDF.”

No wonder he was willing to risk so much in his quest for a better life. “I’m pretty sure you’re not a virgin, but have you ever had an actual girlfriend?”

He grinned. “Why are you so sure I’m not a virgin?”

“You certainly didn’t kiss like a virgin.”

His gaze dropped to her lips and lingered. “Sometimes kissing is all virgins are allowed to do so they get very good at it.”

Her jaw dropped and she forced her eyes to blink. “You’ve seriously never been with a woman?” What was wrong with Rodyte females? He just grinned again and her eyes widened. If he was never allowed off the ship… “Have you been with a man?”

He finally laughed, releasing her hands so he could sit back in his chair. “I’m not a virgin, and all of my sexual encounters have been with females. As for the girlfriend question, I was hopelessly enamored with our cook’s assistant when I was thirteen, but she was in lust with Garin. They were all in lust with Garin. He’s the Nox heir, not me.”

“There has been no one since you became a soldier?”

His momentary levity faded as quickly as it had appeared. “What sort of relationship can I build when I’m only allowed to leave active duty a couple of weeks each year? Many military vessels have pleasure givers on board, but few are willing to sign on to long-range missions. We’re thankful for any port that has females, even if they’re only willing to serve us drinks.”

He eased her out of his mind and the link faded. Apparently, he was finished with show and tell.

“I’m sorry. I had no idea you’ve been so…isolated.” Then a through occurred to her, one that should have bothered her before. If Harton had taken a second war bride, what became of his first? “What happened to your mother? Do you have any contact with her?”

It took a moment for him to answer and then he droned out the explanation like a voice replicating computer. “My father called her Aliria, which means prize or treasure. She refused to tell him her real name. She wanted nothing to do with me. As soon as she’d recovered from giving birth, she ran away from our estate. She trusted the wrong man because she was desperate. He tried to ransom her back to my father, but by the time Father came to collect her, she’d taken her own life. Father never spoke of these events, but Garin was old enough to remember.”