Culture War (13 page)

“
See,” said Tony the Claw.
“I told you he was a generous and righteous human.”

The spider guard passed his pad through the
bars, and Juardo, as promised, put ten thousand Imperial Credits on
the spider guard’s account. As Juardo was about to pass the pad
back, he hesitated, keeping the communications pad. Juardo quickly
sent a text message to New Memphis.

“
Give my pad back,” ordered
the spider guard. “You said no strings attached.”

“
How about I put one
hundred thousand credits on your card?” asked Juardo. “It would be
a signing bonus for accepting my chief of security position at the
Riverfront Casino.”

“
I don’t know,” said the
spider guard. “What about the risk?”

“
There is no risk,” said
Juardo. “New Memphis is outside your commander’s jurisdiction.
Besides, what about the risk you already took? What if your team
leader finds out you gave me your communications pad to access the
database, send messages about my escape plans, and put one hundred
thousand credits on your card? What about those risks? Unlock this
door, now, or I tell your sergeant about your
duplicity!”

The spider guard unlocked the cell door,
releasing all the Mafioso and the truck driver, Mitchell. They fled
out fire-escape doors through Marine Headquarters. More Mafioso
picked them up by car for the trip to New Memphis. Tony the Claw
slit the spider guard’s throat and threw him in a roadside ditch
just outside of town.

* * * * *

When the spider Governor of the North
Territory announced that the Riverfront Casino Hotel Resort was
being seized and demolished under their Racketeering Forfeiture
Act, General Daly immediately ordered the Legion’s First Division
to parachute into New Memphis to protect American lives and
property. The legionnaires were supposed to land on Casino Row by
the river, but winds scattered them all over the city. The spiders
were convinced the Legion had launched a general invasion and
occupation of all of New Memphis, and rushed troops to confront the
attack.

I landed at Casino Row by boat with our
mechanized armor, avoiding the parachute drop because of my
aversion to jumping out of perfectly good airplanes. We raced down
Elvis Boulevard in my armored car to help establish a perimeter and
supervise checkpoints. Private Wayne drove the armored car to the
drive-up window at Taco Bell to order lunch.

“
We want fifty tacos,
twenty-five burritos, fourteen big gulp Pepsi drinks, and one Diet
Pepsi,” ordered Private Wayne. Legionnaires piled out of the
armored car to secure a small perimeter around Taco Bell. “Do you
take out-of-area coupons?”

I paid for lunch with my Legion gas card.
Taking my lead, legionnaires in other armored cars and a tank
formed a line at the Taco Bell drive-up window.

When the first Arthropodan marines arrived at
the edge of town, there was some initial shooting, followed by an
uneasy truce. The spider general commanding the New Memphis sector
met me under a white flag of truce. I offered him a bag of
tacos.

“
Thank you, Colonel
Czerinski,” said the spider general. “Do you have any special lava
fire hot sauce?”

“
Sorry,” I said. “It was a
rush order and Private Wayne pigged it all.”

“
Get your own special lava
hot sauce!” shouted Private Wayne, still eating.

“
What are you doing out of
your sandbox in New Gobi?” asked the spider general. “Don’t you
know you are in violation of the treaty prohibiting large-scale
troop movement in New Memphis? This is another ill-advised
provocation by the Legion.”

“
Save your rhetoric for the
press,” I said. “It’s just you and me and our armies here today. We
both know your governor tried to seize the Casino District with
Intelligentsia State Security Police. I arrested your cops, but you
can have them all back.”

“
You can keep those Gestopo
pricks,” commented the spider general. “Throw them in the New
Mississippi River for all I care.”

“
Sorry,” I replied. “Rules
of war say you get them back at the end of hostilities. Hostilities
are over, right?”

“
For now,” said the spider
general. “I have warrants of arrest for fugitives Mark Mitchell,
Saviano Juardo, Lewis Pena, Tony the Claw, and Eight Legs Roman.
The charges are murder, racketeering, and prison-escape. I have
reason to believe they are en route to Juardo’s Riverfront Casino.
I expect you will cooperate in their arrest and extradition, if you
want the truce to hold.”

“
Of course,” I said. “I am
always happy to comply with terms of the Anti-Organized Crime and
Terrorism Treaty.”

“
Also, this latest
adventurism by the Legion will not be tolerated,” warned the spider
general. “The First Division will have to leave New
Memphis.”

“
Not likely,” I said. “You
know as well as I do that we are just cleaning up a mess caused by
your governor. Besides, I brought nukes with me. I am not going
anywhere without a messy fight.”

“
You will not use nukes
inside a mostly human pestilence city,” said the spider general.
“It would be bad form. And colonels don’t have that
authority.”

“
Maybe,” I said. “Maybe
not. It depends on whether I’ve taken my medication lately.
Sometimes I get unstable.”

“
It’s true!” shouted
Private Wayne, wiping hot sauce from his mandibles. “He gets crazy
around nukes. I lost track of how many nukes Czerinski has set off
all over the galaxy.”

“
When I want your opinion,
Private Wayne, I’ll ask for it!” I yelled over my shoulder.
Smiling, I turned back to the spider general. “Good help is hard to
find. As you can see, we are even hiring you spiders.”

“
You have until the end of
the week to get your armor out of New Memphis,” warned the spider
general. “After that, we resume joint jurisdiction whether you like
it or not.”

* * * * *

“
We cannot go back to New
Memphis,” argued Lewis Pena. “The Legion has occupied Casino Row
and seized the Riverfront Hotel. The spiders want to demolish your
hotel. They say you forfeited the Riverfront after we were all
tried and convicted in absentia.”

“
That fast?” asked
Juardo.

“
I can live off the land up
in the hill country until they stop looking for us,” said Tony the
Claw. “I am not going back to New Memphis either.”

“
Dude, I have trucker
friends who can sneak us past checkpoints and hide us,” insisted
Mitchell. “I can’t play Daniel Boone out here in the sticks. We can
hitch a ride to anywhere until we are able to change our
identities.”

“
I do not want to change my
identity,” advised Juardo. “I’m going to fight this. My money and
property is all in New Memphis. They can’t steal it from me. We are
going to New Memphis.”

“
You Italians think you are
so smart,” said Pena. “But you wise guys blew it for all of us by
threatening that spider commander. Screw you. I’m crossing the MDL
and going south. We should be safe from Imperial arrest warrants in
the USGF.”

“
The Empire can demand
extradition from anywhere on New Colorado because of the murder
charge,” said Eight Legs. “That’s your fault, Tony!”

“
That dumb guard was too
much trouble,” said Tony the Claw. “I need to travel
light.”

“
We won’t be able to get
past the checkpoints,” commented Juardo, now giving up on returning
to New Memphis. “I have a friend we can borrow a boat from. We can
travel south on the New Mississippi River. We need to put distance
between us and the spiders as soon as possible. Then we can start a
new life. Rackets can be run anywhere.”

Everyone agreed to go south. They drove to
the New Mississippi River and borrowed the boat from Juardo’s
associate, easily crossing the MDL. They stopped at the town of
Cottonwood to rest and get cash. At the bank they found that
Juardo’s assets had been frozen.

“
Let’s just rob this bank,”
suggested Pena. “That would solve our cash problems.”

“
Are you serious?” asked
Juardo. “Can’t you think or plan more than a day in advance? We
need to keep a low profile, not draw heat from the American side,
too. Robbing banks will just get us arrested and extradited that
much faster.”

“
Then we should have robbed
a spider bank before we crossed the MDL,” fumed Pena.

“
There will be no robbing
of banks,” repeated Juardo.

“
You go do what you want,”
said Pena, walking away. “I don’t need you. I can take care of
myself.”

Pena went inside the bank. He patted the
pistol under his shirt for comfort. The bank had no security
guards.
It would be easy to rob this little bank,
thought
Pena.
But, Juardo is right. I need a plan. How could I escape
and hide after the robbery?
Pena shrugged and turned to walk
out.

“
Lewis, it has been a long
time,” said an ATM at the bank entrance. “You don’t look so well.
Have you not been eating right?”

“
What?” said Pena, staring
at the United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion recruitment
ATM. “You talking to me?”

“
Your photograph on the TV
news shows you during much happier times,” said the ATM. “Would you
be interested in bringing back those good times by reenlisting in
the Foreign Legion?”

“
Screw you,” said Pena,
turning his back to the ATM to walk away.

“
That would be impossible,”
said the ATM. “Where are you going? Be warned! I would not rejoin
your friends. I have already alerted the authorities about their
boat. I have a fine view of the docks from here. I saw you arrive
with that rabble this morning.”

“
You snitch!” said Pena,
striking the ATM with his fist. “I would rather go to jail than
reenlist in the Legion.”

“
You won’t stay in jail all
that long,” said the ATM. “The spiders will execute you shortly
after your arrest. I guarantee it will be a painful execution, too.
They are real upset at you and your friends.”

“
Can you sell me a new ID?”
asked Pena. “I didn’t hurt anyone. Tony killed that spider guard. I
was just along for the ride. I thought hiring on as Juardo’s muscle
would be a cushy job. Then things just got crazy. But, I didn’t
actually do anything. There was nothing I could do to stop them.
Can you help me out?”

“
Take responsibility for
your actions,” said the ATM. “Say it! You made a poor decision to
put yourself in bad situations by associating with Mafia and
underworld types. You have no one to blame but
yourself.”

“
Okay!” said Pena. “I
screwed up by hanging with that Juardo. I thought it would be easy
money. So what? Are you happy now? What’s done is done. Now what do
I do?”

“
Take charge of your life,”
said the ATM, producing an enlistment contract on a slide tray.
“Join the United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion. Enjoy
fun, travel, and adventure. Do something worthwhile with your
life.”

Pena capitulated and put his thrumb on the
pad for formal identification and contract finalization. “I don’t
believe I did this again.”

“
You made an excellent
decision, Private Lewis Pena,” said the ATM. “Report immediately to
Legion Headquarters in New Gobi City. I bought you bus passage. Do
not get sidetracked. We may be at war soon, and I know you don’t
want to miss that.”

“
War?” asked Pena. “I
didn’t sign up to go to war. What war? I better be getting a big
enlistment bonus if there is going to be a war!”

“
The war you and your
friends have started,” said the ATM. “Shooting has already started
at New Memphis. It’s only poetic justice that you might get to
fight in it, too. How many people that start a war get to actually
participate in it from a private’s perspective? I think you may be
a first.”

* * * * *

Saviano Juardo sailed his boat south through
the fog at night. Pena deserted.
Good riddance,
thought
Juardo. Next Juardo would have to ditch those two worthless
spiders, Tony the Claw and Eight Legs Roman. At least Mitchell had
Teamster connections. It always helped to be connected. But if he
had to hear Mitchell say ‘dude’ one more time, Juardo swore he
might throw the trucker overboard. Suddenly, the pitch darkness
turned to daylight as searchlights lit up Juardo’s boat. “What more
could go wrong?” asked Juardo, looking up to God for an answer to
his problems. A PA system blared, “This is Captain Gregoire of the
USGF Foreign Legion ship Predator II. You all are under arrest. Put
your hands in the air. Prepare to be boarded!”

Tony the Claw put on a life jacket and jumped
into the river to escape. He sank to the bottom and drowned. Juardo
and Eight Legs were arrested and taken to Legion Headquarters in
New Gobi City, pending extradition. Mitchell was held as a material
witness pending his release.

At the detention center, Guido brought Juardo
a pizza. He sat across the bars with a somber expression on his
face. “I guess this means we are out of business,” said Guido. “No
more casino? No more bookie business? No more sports bets? I
suppose I could start my own business, but I really don’t have the
financing.”