Culture War (8 page)

“
Dude,” said the trucker.
“You ride it like a surf board, only on the sidewalks. These
skateboards are especially designed to accommodate you spiders’
unique physical characteristics. You know, what with you dudes
having four feet and four hands. I’m also carrying all the
necessary accessories. Dude, I have helmets, elbow pads, knee pads,
shoes, gloves, Cowabunga tee-shirts, jackets, DVDs, and first-aid
kits.”

“
And these skateboards are
prohibited?” asked the spider commander, still wanting an
explanation. He was now checking the list again.

“
The human pestilence
intend to sell these dangerous skateboards to junior high school
students,” said the spider guard. “Skateboards are a gateway item
that leads to snowboarding and insanity.”

“
Dude, there is nothing
dangerous or subversive about skateboards,” insisted the trucker.
“Skateboarding has been an integral part of American culture for
over three hundred years. Even Ronald Reagan
skateboarded.”

“
The actor?” asked the
spider commander. “Are you sure? He’s one of my
favorites.”

“
Skateboarding is good
wholesome fun,” said the trucker. “It’s as American as mom’s apple
pie. It’s almost as fun as video games.”

“
I see,” said the spider
commander, now getting angry. “Place this skateboard-pushing
miscreant under arrest and impound his truck and the contraband in
question. This is a clear violation of the Prohibited American
Contraband Act. Good work. Let this be a lesson to all who would
try to corrupt and endanger our youth.”

“
The Teamsters Union will
hear about this!” said the trucker, loudly protesting. “I’m a
personal friend of Carlos O’Neil and Mr. Kennworth. Do you know who
they are? You both will be out of a job within a week. I want to
speak to your supervisor! I know a lot of important people. I even
know Colonel Czerinski and James Grigg!”

“
Who is James Grigg?” asked
the spider commander.

“
You know,” said the
trucker. “He’s that Walmart dude.”

“
Lock this fool up and
throw away the key,” ordered the spider commander. “Put him in a
sound-proof room so we don’t have to hear his drivel.”

The spider commander took a skateboard and a
bag of accessories home with him for study. It was possible these
dangerous banned items might have military applications. The human
pestilence were so devious that way.

* * * * *

As the spider commander walked back to his
office, a group of spider teenagers that had been playing
basketball at the city park fell in alongside him. Clearly they had
mischief on their puny little minds. “Hey Pops!” called out one of
the teenagers. “Where are you going with that skateboard?”

“
This skateboard is
American contraband seized at the border checkpoint,” replied the
spider commander. “Are you familiar with skateboards?”

“
That skateboard is the
latest model Cowabunga,” said the teenager. “Why did you take it?
Are you a cop?”

“
I am the Supreme Commander
of the Marine Task Force for the New Gobi Desert Sector,” said the
spider commander. “I am responsible for keeping you safe from the
human pestilence hordes to the South.”

“
Where’s your gun?” asked
the teenager. “Don’t you know this neighborhood is riddled with
hooligans who might want to steal your expensive
skateboard?”

“
I welcome any attempt,”
said the spider commander. His gun was concealed under his dress
uniform coat. Not that he would need it against the likes of these
punks. “This skateboard was confiscated to prevent the moral decay
of our society through our youth. Obviously I was not a moment too
soon.”

“
Are you saying that
skateboard will cause me brain damage if I ride it?” asked the
teenager. “And you are protecting me by seizing it?”

“
Only if you don’t wear a
helmet,” joked another teenager. “The way you skate, I guarantee
massive brain damage from a crash.”

“
This skateboard and other
products like it are at the forefront of a plot to Americanize our
youth,” said the spider commander. “The Emperor has ordered a halt
to this dangerous encroachment on the Arthropodan way of
life.”

“
I am proud of my
Arthropodan heritage,” said the first teenager. “But I do not need
thought-police like you breathing down my neck, telling me what I
can or can’t buy for recreation. Who do you think you
are?”

“
I am the sword of my
Emperor,” said the spider commander.

“
Do not use His Majesty as
an excuse for your lame argument,” said the teenager. “I don’t need
or want you to protect me from American ideas. Are you going to
shut down the database, too?”

“
No, of course not,”
replied the spider commander. “That would be impossible
anyway.”

“
I bet you would if you
could,” sneered the second teenager. “Just like you took away all
our satellite TV dishes. You’re a read dickhead.”

“
I should arrest you for
insulting an Imperial officer,” said the spider commander. “Only
your juvenile status restrains me.”

“
I can learn or read
anything I want about America on the database,” said the first
teenager. “But you try to protect me from America by confiscating
skateboards? You are just an old fool. I’ll let you in on a
little-known secret. America invented skateboarding, but we spiders
are better at it. We take top prizes at all the open skateboarding
tournaments. I have trophies at home to prove it.”

“
I am glad you are skilled
at something,” said the spider commander. “If you put half the
energy you put into skateboarding into positive directions, you
could someday make something out of your life.”

“
What would you know of
positive directions?” asked the teenager. “I am not just good. I am
the best. Let me show you what I can do with a
skateboard.”

The spider commander handed the teenager the
skateboard.

“
You don’t want me getting
brain damage,” explained the teenager, as he put on the helmet,
pads, and a jacket.

The teenager soared over steps, up on a
cement railing, and down to the next street level. Like a flash he
rode the skateboard down the street and around the corner. They
waited for the teenager to return.

“
Is he coming back?” asked
the spider commander.

“
Not likely, dude,” said
one of the teenagers, grabbing a Cowabunga tee-shirt and running
down the street. The rest of the teenagers quickly dispersed in
different directions, carrying other skateboard accessories they’d
taken from the spider commander.

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Chapter 9

Highly decorated Corporal George Rambo
Washington, the first spider to enlist in the United States
Galactic Federation Foreign Legion, was ordered by General Daly to
attend Officer Candidate School. Washington returned to New Gobi
City as a second lieutenant.

Lieutenant Washington became a media
sensation on both sides of the MDL. Everyone in the spider
community knew of Lieutenant Washington. Most were proud. If the
position of Emperor were an elected office, Lieutenant Washington
could have won easily.

I sent Lieutenant Washington with Military
Intelligence Officer Major Lopez to the public high schools as a
recruiter for the Legion. Lieutenant Washington particularly
disliked public speaking and generally despised snotty high school
kids, but followed orders and went anyway.

“
I am here to talk to you
about the Legion,” said Lieutenant Washington, addressing an
auditorium full of young kids. “If you want fun, travel, and
adventure, join the Legion. Any questions?”

“
Have you ever killed
anyone?” asked a human teenage girl seated in the front
row.

“
Lots,” said Lieutenant
Washington.

“
What’s it like?” she
asked.

“
Some gurgle when you shoot
them in the chest,” said Lieutenant Washington. “Others cry in
agony for their mama. My favorite was an insurgent hiding in a
spider hole. I tossed in a grenade and he just went
poof!”

“
Do you ever feel like a
traitor fighting for the Legion against fellow spiders?” asked a
spider student in the back.

“
I have fought both human
and spider terrorists,” said Lieutenant Washington. “I enjoy
killing both.”

“
But you fight mostly
spiders,” insisted the spider student. “Have you no shame or
remorse at having to kill your own kind?”

“
Would you please come up
here to the stage?” asked Lieutenant Washington,
politely.

The spider student boldly came up on stage
with Lieutenant Washington. The student waved to his friends,
clearly enjoying his newfound notoriety and the applause. As he
stood next to the legionnaire, Lieutenant Washington smashed a
chair on the student. Unconscious, the spider student was taken
away by ambulance.

“
There is no shame in
fighting for freedom,” said Lieutenant Washington, to a stunned
audience. “That is particularly true for us Green spiders. Any more
stupid questions?”

Being in a high school, they got many more
stupid questions. Major Lopez, concerned about student safety and
bad public relations, advised Lieutenant Washington to use more
restraint. “These kids are very impressionable,” whispered Major
Lopez. “Many live in trailer parks.”

“
I think you are so awesome
and hot,” exclaimed a giggly female spider student. “Are you
married?”

“
I have two wives,”
answered Lieutenant Washington. “You are so lucky they are not
present to hear you.”

“
You have been in so many
battles,” commented a young human student. “It seems scary. Aren’t
you afraid of being killed?”

“
One of your famous
philosophers from Old Earth said it best,” recalled Lieutenant
Washington. “I am not afraid of dying; I just don’t want to be
there when it happens.”

“
Don’t you feel like you’re
just the token spider officer in the Legion?” asked one of the
teachers.

“
Someone always has to be
first,” said Lieutenant Washington. “I was the first spider to
enlist into the ranks of the Legion. I got into a confrontation the
day my commanding officer introduced me to my unit. Now I am the
first spider lieutenant in the Legion. It’s no big deal for me now.
I expect more of my species will follow me without incident because
I led the way. I am proud of my accomplishments.”

“
But don’t you feel like
you are being used by the Legion?” asked the teacher. “You are just
a publicity stunt for the military industrial complex. You will
never be given command. Even now, I see Major Lopez lording over
you.”

“
Would you please come up
here on stage?” asked Lieutenant Washington.

“
No way,” said the teacher,
startled.

“
I guess you are not as
stupid as you sound or look,” commented Lieutenant Washington. The
audience laughed, then slowly stood up and applauded.

“
One of the most difficult
adjustments for spiders entering the Legion is the cultural
differences between humans and spiders. We spiders are very
volatile and do not handle provocations very well. Call me a
traitor and I am apt to kill you, regardless of the consequences.
Minutes after a confrontation, I am over it. Humans, on the other
hand, seem to hold grudges forever. That’s just my personal
observation. You may have similar experiences here in school. Where
did that lame-ass teacher go?”

“
He left the building,”
someone called out. A few students laughed out loud. “Don’t come
back, dude!”

“
Why should any of us give
up a comfortable life for the hardships of the Legion?” asked
another student. “Is it worth it?”

“
If you have a good life,
stay where you are,” advised Lieutenant Washington. “But if you
want to change your life, go talk to the ATM and try to negotiate
an enlistment contract. If you are qualified, you might make some
serious money. The worst of the wars on New Colorado are probably
behind us. I would not be surprised to see the Legion leave New
Colorado soon for the Coleopteran Frontier. However, the Legion is
still interested in recruiting from the local population. Many of
you may have relatives who died fighting in the wars, so that you
could be free. Now might be the time to repay the debt you owe
them.”

“
You don’t think the
Arthropodan Empire and the insurgency will continue hostilities?”
asked a spider student.

“
For a few years maybe,”
said Lieutenant Washington. “But as the next generation takes over
on both sides, I hope for better understanding and better
leadership. Humanity and spiders are more similar than not. We need
to unite. The galaxy is full of nasty species that will eventually
come our way and find us. The war with the Formicidaen Empire was a
wake-up call – just the tip of the danger that is out there across
the galaxy. Only when our two species stand together, will our part
of the galaxy be safe.”

“
How do you get along with
Colonel Czerinski?” asked another student. “Does he deserve his
‘Butcher of New Colorado’ reputation I have read so much about on
the database? In light of his mega hero status, I think he often
gets a bad rap in the press.”