Culture War (7 page)

“
I don’t know that either,”
said Sergeant Green. “According to witnesses at the Angry Onion, it
was DEA. I heard they resisted arrest. The Sheriff’s Office is
still investigating exactly what happened.”

“
That doesn’t surprise me
at all,” I said. “Okay, I’ll call the DEA, or whoever, and find out
about Private Krueger. We’ll get him back eventually. The good news
is, that damn wedding is off. Thanks.”

I called the DEA, FBI, the Sheriff’s Office,
and General Daly. No one knew who arrested Private Krueger and
Dawn, or where they were taken.

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Chapter 7

Dawn and Willie were smuggled across the MDL
in a trailer full of oranges. Once inside the Anthropodan Empire,
they were taken to the spider commander of New Gobi Desert
Sector.

“
You are here for marriage
counseling,” said the spider commander. “You will not be harmed.
Consider yourselves to be my guests.”

“
You are not DEA?” asked
Private Krueger. “What a relief. I thought we were going to prison
forever.”

“
We already got
counseling,” complained Dawn.

“
You are being held by
order of the Governor of the North Territory,” said the spider
commander. “You will stay here until such time as your sanity
returns and you cancel your hasty plans to get married.”

“
It is you who is insane,”
said Dawn. “You have no right to kidnap us! We are citizens of the
United States Galactic Federation!”

“
I have every right to
detain you for your own well being,” replied the spider commander.
“By right of species, you will always hold and enjoy dual
citizenship in the Arthropodan Empire. With that citizenship comes
certain responsibilities to the Empire. It is in the best interests
of the Empire that your planned marriage to this human pestilence
does not happen. That gives me the right and duty to hold you both
indefinitely.”

“
You can’t get more twisted
logic than that!” screamed Dawn. “I will not change my mind about
marrying Willie. I love him now more than ever!” Dawn wrapped four
arms around Private Krueger and kissed him passionately. Mr.
Kennworth had taken five knives off Dawn when she was searched. He
missed a sixth knife that was hidden in a place too embarrassing
for the Teamster thug to find. Dawn gave thought to stabbing the
commander, but did not want to risk harm to Willie. She would wait
for a better opportunity.

“
You both are too young to
know the meaning of love or the importance of restraint,” commented
the spider commander. “You just live for the moment without any
regard to consequences or duty. If necessary, you will be taken off
this planet to Arthropoda for deprogramming.”

“
You can’t brainwash me!”
yelled Dawn. “You are immoral!”

“
You have already been
brainwashed by decadent American TV and music,” said the spider
commander. “Your seduction was so gradual and insidious, you never
even noticed the change in your personality, but look at the net
result.”

“
I am an American citizen,”
said Dawn. “The Legion will cross the galaxy to get me back. Willie
is a legionnaire. What do you think the Legion’s reaction will be
to his abduction?”

“
You are a spider,” said
the commander. “The Legion hates you. The Legion hates our species,
culture, and traditions.”

“
That is not true,” said
Dawn. “The Constitution protects everyone, including
spiders.”

“
Whatever,” said the spider
commander. “Only the naïve believe that. You are ruled at the whim
of the human pestilence. Their attack dogs, the Legion, are trained
to hate and kill all spiders. Isn’t that right, Private Krueger?
Isn’t it true you hate all spiders for killing your older
brother?”

“
My brother was killed in
action,” said Private Krueger. “So what? Lots of legionnaires were.
It happens. I don’t blame or hate anyone. I love Dawn.”

“
Your brother, Sergeant
Hans Krueger, was eaten alive by one of our trained monitor
dragons,” said the spider commander. “Colonel Czerinski hushed that
up. I can see by the expression on your ugly face, he never
bothered to tell you the truth about your brother. Czerinski didn’t
think you could handle knowing your brother watched himself being
eaten alive.”

Private Krueger lunged at the spider
commander. A guard knocked Krueger down with an electric prod.

“
Do you hate me now?” asked
the spider commander. “Do you hate the species that killed your
brother so cruelly now? Do you still want to marry one of us?
Surely you see it is impossible. Your marriage would not
last.”

“
I will not eat or drink
anything until you release Dawn,” said Private Krueger.

“
How childish,” commented
the spider commander. “What do I care whether you eat or drink? You
are nothing to me.”

“
I will not eat anything
either,” said Dawn. “Not until you release Willie.”

“
Lock them up,” ordered the
spider commander. “I tire of this immaturity. Put them in separate
cells.”

“
You will never separate
us!” shouted Dawn, drawing her knife. A guard drew his pistol to
shoot. “We will never be separated!”

“
Stop!” ordered the spider
commander. “No one shoot! I do not want harm to come to you.
Please, give me your knife, and I promise you can share the same
cell. I give my word.”

Dawn slowly set her knife on to the floor. “I
do not need a knife to kill the likes of you!”

Dawn and Willie were put in a cell that had
two bunks. After the door slammed shut, Dawn sank to the floor and
cried uncontrollably. Willie held her, trying to provide comfort.
Dawn pushed him away.

“
I am not stupid,” she
said. “I know you told Colonel Czerinski you did not want to marry
me. I hoped you would change your mind after we went to see Pastor
Jim, but you did not. You think I’m ugly. Don’t touch
me!”

Dawn moved over to the corner and sat down,
still crying, her back to Willie. She began chanting and rocking
back and forth. She refused dinner and shut everyone out, refusing
to speak. She seemed to be in a trance.

It got cold in the early morning hours.
Willie put his blanket around Dawn’s shoulders. “Dawn, I love you
very much,” he said. “You are the most beautiful female I have ever
known. I will never leave you, and I want to spend my life devoted
to you.”

Dawn and Willie kissed. “Not if I have to
kill you for not measuring up,” replied Dawn softly, trying to
smile.

“
That will not happen,”
bragged Willie.

The spider commander, Mr. Kennworth, and the
commando who had assisted in the abduction were watching and
listening on a video feed. “I risked my life behind enemy lines to
stop these two young fools from getting married?” asked the
commando. “What do I care if they tie the knot? How dare you misuse
your authority by using the military for such nonsense!”

“
You follow orders, same as
me,” said the spider commander. “Keep a civil tone about you, or I
will have you up on charges.”

‘
Orders?” asked the
commando. “What fool would issue such an order? Your actions have
forged a tighter bond between them. You can’t order youth not to
fall in love.”

“
If you can’t break these
two love lizards up, how about we trade them for Carlos O’Neil?”
asked Mr. Kennworth. “Some good can still come of this
debacle.”

“
I cannot acknowledge we
hold them,” said the spider commander. “There would be too many
repercussions.”

“
Word of failure will leak
out,” said Mr. Kennworth. “It always does. You had better start
thinking of an exit strategy, should your deprogramming plans fail.
You promised to negotiate with the Legion to get Carlos back. I did
my part. I am holding you to your promise.”

“
Don’t even think about
killing them as an exit strategy,” warned the commando. “I won’t
let that happen. This has to end soon.”

* * * * *

Four days into his hunger strike, Private
Krueger went into shock due to dehydration. Spider doctors, using
the database as a reference, did the best they could to force-feed
Private Krueger nutrients through tubes. Strapped to a table,
Private Krueger could no longer resist. Dawn’s hunger strike
progressed more slowly. She could go a month without eating or
drinking. Dawn gave her tormentors the silent treatment. That had
more of an effect.

After about a week, an anonymous caller
informed the Legion and the news media of Dawn and Willie’s fate.
Armored Legion reinforcements and air support were rushed to New
Gobi City. I called the spider commander on the phone to discuss
the matter. “The Legion is prepared to go to war over the abduction
of Private Krueger,” I threatened. “You can keep Dawn.”

“
That won’t work,”
interrupted Major Lopez, behind me. “Dawn is an American citizen.
We must demand her return, too.”

“
Fine,” I said, turning my
attention back to the spider commander on the phone. “We want Dawn
back, too – or else!”

“
I will release both those
young fools only if you release your hostage Carlos O’Neil,”
replied the spider commander.

“
I want the name of the spy
the terrorist O’Neil was delivering the explosives to,” I
demanded.

“
They want iced tea in
Hell,” replied the spider commander. “How does it feel to
want?”

“
Fine,” I said. “In the
interest of peaceful coexistence, I will agree to the trade. But I
am warning you. No more alien abductions.”

* * * * *

“
Do you Dawn, take this
man, to honor and cherish, in sickness and in health, for as long
as you both shall live?” asked Pastor Jim.

“
I do,” gushed
Dawn.

“
And do you Private Willie
Krueger, take Dawn, an old-fashioned traditional female, to love
and cherish, in sickness and in health, on probation or in custody,
and promise to measure up to the best of your ability under the
threat of painful death, for as long as you are allowed to live?”
asked Pastor Jim.

“
Yes, I do,” promised
Private Krueger.

“
Then under the power
granted by almighty God, and the United States Galactic Federation
Foreign Legion, and the Church of Scientology, and Hell’s Angles
Club #24, and The New Gobi County Probation and Parole Board /
Narcotics Task Force, I pronounce you husband and wife,” said
Pastor Jim. “You may kiss.”

Dawn and Willie ran under the crossed swords
of a Legion honor guard to a waiting Legion armored car. Channel
Five World News Tonight with Phil Coen broadcast the wedding event
across the galaxy. Donations, big and small, for their
happy-ever-after fairytale marriage poured in from sponsors on both
Earth and Arthropoda. Guido handled the accounting. The lovely
couple honeymooned at Harrah’s Casino & Hotel Resort on Mars.
All expenses were paid by General Daly and the Legion.

The spider commander attended the Kruegers’
wedding after receiving an invitation card. He declined to comment
to Channel Five World News Tonight with Phil Coen regarding rumors
of Dawn and Willie being abducted by the Arthropodan military. The
spider commander insisted Dawn voluntarily participate in free
marriage counseling similar to that offered by human pestilence
cult leader, Pastor Jim. The military commander publicly announced
his personal best wishes and nothing but happiness for the
newlyweds, forever after.

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Chapter 8

The spider commander waved to Guido as he
passed back across the MDL. He was full of food from the wedding
reception and felt a leisurely walk would do him good. “Put me down
for three thousand credits on the Seahawks,” he said. “Seattle is
going all the way to the Super Bowl, baby!”

“
What do spiders know about
football?” asked Guido, as he recorded the bet. “Never bet against
the Steelers Nation. It’s a rule.”

As the spider commander approached the spider
side of the DMZ, he noticed an eighteen wheeler was held up at the
Arthropodan checkpoint. The human truck driver was arguing with a
spider border guard. “What’s all this about?” asked the spider
commander. “If this is another overweight truck, impound it. I’m
sick and tired of these human pestilence truckers always pushing
the rules and our patience to the limit.”

“
He’s loaded with two
thousand skateboards,” said the spider guard. “As you know,
skateboards are on our list of dangerous prohibited American
contraband.”

The spider commander read the truck’s
manifest: two thousand skateboards manufactured by Cowabunga
Incorporated of New Phoenix, New Colorado, USGF. “What is a
skateboard?” asked the spider commander. “Why are they a
problem?”

“
I’m not sure,” said the
spider border guard, as he accessed the database for more
information. “I’ve never seen a skateboard close up. But, they are
on our list of American contraband that threatens the Arthropodan
way of life.”

The spider Commander cut open a crate with
his claw and examined one of the skateboards. “It looks innocent
enough,” he commented. “What do you do with it?”