Cursed Ecstasy (Cursed Series) (14 page)

Punching my hand into the mattress, I fall back against the pillow.

I don’t know where to begin, where to start and make things right between us. Hell, I don’t even know if she’ll give me the time of day to explain myself.

Shit!

I feel like a fucking chick going through PMS or whatever the hell it is. My emotions are all over the place and I can’t seem to grasp what I want…no, what I
need
to do.

My head is spinning and I now know more than ever what needs to happen. There’s no looking back, no more regrets, and no second guessing what my mind and soul are telling me to do.

Propping myself up on my arm, I roll off the bed and make my way out of my room and down the stairs.

As I stand by the front door, I let out a heavy sign and turn the knob…there’s no turning back now.

I have to talk to Etty and tell her she’s meant to be mine.

I step over to her side of the house, and with trembling hands, I turn the knob to her door and push it open.

My eyes set on hers as she stands from the couch in the living room.

“What the hell, Dault? What are you doing here?” she questions with a look of shock on her face.

Stepping into the house, I shut the door and move as close as I can to her.

“You deserve much better than me, Etty. You would never know it with the way I’ve acted, but I miss your laugh, your smile, and the way your body feels up against mine. I may not be the perfect man, but I
do
know that I want to be the one that’s perfect for you.”

“Dault,” she says, taking a step back.

“No, Etty, let me talk. I’m a mess of a man. You thought Linc has issues? Well, you’ll second guess everything once I tell you who I really am. I can’t stand to be away from you, Etty. I know I really fucked up when it comes to you, but if you only knew what my past consists of, how I grew to be who I am today. I want to tell you because you’re all I think about, all that I want to be near, and you make me want to be a better man.”

She shakes her head back and forth and takes a step back, lifting her arm to put space between our bodies.

“I understand that I’m not the one you want here right now, or hell, maybe even ever, but just please let me let you in for just once. I deserve that much. Please, Etty.”

“How can you say that you
deserve
anything from me, Dault? You’ve pushed me away ever since that night. You have no idea what you’ve done to me and how much you’ve hurt me. You tore me apart after one of the most amazing nights of my life.”

Without a second thought, I step forward and pull her body against mine. Crashing my lips against hers, I can’t stop myself from wanting to taste the one thing I’ve been dying to have. Her.

My tongue sweeps out of my mouth and licks the seam between her lips. Gasping for breath, her mouth opens and I take the chance to touch her tongue with the tip of mine. The sweetness of her consumes me and I tangle my tongue with hers until she gives in and allows herself to fall into me. My hands pull her closer to me so that our bodies are flush against one another. She deepens the kiss by standing on her tiptoes and grabbing for the back of my head, pressing my lips harder against hers.

I’m swept away in the moment as a chill sweeps through my body. I’ve
wanted
this moment regardless of how long I’ve fought the feelings I have for this woman.

Pulling away from our kiss, she steps back down, her feet flat on the ground and her green eyes staring up into mine. Before I know her next move, I feel the sting of her hand slapping my face.

“Dault, stop!” she shouts. “Stop this…whatever you’re trying to do right now. I’m not your toy. I won’t be one of the girls you take home and assume you can fuck whenever you want.”

Shaking my head, I reach my arm out to her as she takes a few steps away from me.

“You don’t understand, Etty. It’s not like that with you, I want you…I want
us
to be different. I know it now and I won’t screw up and lose you again.”

She looks to the floor and then back up to meet my eyes.

“What? Lose you? Fucking hell, Dault, you never even
had
me and now…now that you’ve seen that another guy wants me, you’re deciding that I’m good enough for you?”

Tears are streaming down her face, her chest heaving from the sobs pouring from her body.

“It’s not like that. What do I have to do to prove it to you, Etty?”

“Dault, coming over here and saying you want me isn’t going to do it. You’ve hurt me, ignored me, and pushed me away ever since I got here. What else am I supposed to think?”

Stepping away from her and falling onto the couch, I lean my elbows onto my legs and let me head crash into my hands.

“I don’t know what to do, Etty, I’ve never felt like this. I’m a fucking ass, prick, monster, or whatever else you want to call me. You have no idea how hard this is for me. I want to let you in, but I’ve been trying to protect you from the man I really am—a man that can never be good enough for you. Can’t you see? All I’m trying to do is stay away from you so I don’t hurt you.”

My heart hurts and my chest is as tight as it’s ever been. I’m using all the strength I have in this moment to fight the attack raging inside of me. It’s useless; no matter how much I try, I’ll
never
be enough for her.

The breaths coming in and out of my lungs are becoming shallower and the numbness is starting to take over my body. I’m falling into the pit once again and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to pull myself back out.

The love of a woman that I crave is something I’ll never be able to regain.

Chapter 16

As the tears fall from my cheeks, I wipe my face with the sleeve of my shirt. Dault is sitting on the couch, his body looking so weak and frail. It’s like all the energy he had moments ago is now gone.

My instinct is to go to him, to comfort him and tell him I want nothing more than to have him in my arms.

But I can’t, at least not now. The rollercoaster of emotions he’s put me through is insane. One minute I want him to take me as his, the next I wish I’d never met him.

Right now I’m not sure
what
the hell to think. He’s just told me that he cares about me. At least that’s what I’m pulling from his confession a few moments ago.

I’m so fucking confused and it’s causing my head and heart to ache.

How am I to know if he really wants this because he truly cares or because he’s seen me with another man? I’m not a prize he can win while playing a game; I’m a human being with feelings and emotions that are scattered all over the place.

I won’t let him take advantage of me just because he’s jealous of Christian…or whatever his deal is.

My eyes scan his slouched body and his breath hitches. Worry sets in and I push aside my emotional feelings for a brief moment.

Moving in closer to him, I can see that sweat is beginning to bead along his forehead.

I know he’s upset and frustrated, but something isn’t right. I’ve never seen Dault react like this before.

Kneeling down in front of him, I get a better look at his face hidden by his large hands. He’s pale white and his body is trembling.

“Dault, what’s wrong?” I ask in a whisper, placing my hands on his knees.

Silence follows and then a deep exhale comes from his lungs as he sits back against the couch.

His blue eyes meet mine and a look of panic hits me.
He’s not okay…not fucking okay at all.

“Talk to me, Dault, what’s wrong?”

I watch as he shakes his head and closes his eyes. Taking in a deep breath through his nose, he holds it for a few seconds and then exhales through his mouth. He repeats this pattern a couple of times, my eyes never leaving his face.

“You’re scaring me, Dault, should I get Linc?” I ask, shifting myself to stand.

He reaches for my hand and holds it next to his leg.

He looks so upset. I can tell he’s hurting and I don’t know what to do to help him. A pang of guilt hits me with the concern that I’m the cause of his anxiety.

His eyes flash open and those baby blues stare back at me.

“No, Etty, just give me a second.”

I remove my hand from his grasp and get up from the floor, taking a seat next to him. I have an idea what’s happening, but I don’t know why.

Am I the one that’s causing him to have an anxiety attack?

Is this my fault
?

He leans forward, resting his head in his hands once again. My arm rests along his broad shoulders for a moment and then I begin to run my nails up and down his back in a soothing motion. If nothing else, the least I can do right now is try calming him down.

“You have to tell me what’s going on, Dault. For right now, right this second, I want to be here and help you. I don’t know what’s happened or why we are the way we are together, but this has to stop.”

Another deep breath escapes him and he pushes himself back against the couch, his eyes still closed.

Moving myself over just a bit, I get a better look at him. His face is regaining color and the sweat on his brow is dissipating.

“Dault, please talk to me,” I beg.

Turning his head to face me he opens his eyes and looks me in mine.

“I’m fine, Etty.”

Letting out a heavy sigh of my own, I roll my eyes in his direction.

“Well, you didn’t look fine a few seconds ago. What the hell happened?”

“It’s nothing.”

Starting to get frustrated, I stand from the couch and walk into the kitchen. He said he wanted to let me in, yet when I need him to explain things to me he shuts back down. He can be the most infuriating person, but still there’s a part of me that wants to cradle him and take away all of his pain.

I hate feeling so conflicted, it drives me nuts.

Opening the fridge, I grab a bottle of water and carry it back into the living room.

Dault is in front of the couch, pacing a short path along the coffee table with his arms crossed over his chest.

“Here, take this,” I say, handing him the water.

“Thanks, Etty,” he replies, grabbing the bottle from my hands.

For a second, our fingers briefly touch and chills run up my spine. I quickly pull my hand from his and take a seat back down on the couch.

“I’m sorry for what just happened. I haven’t had an anxiety attack like that in years.”

He turns to look at me, his face filled with sorrow.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Putting the bottle to his lips, he takes a long sip. My eyes are drawn to his throat as his Adam’s apple bobs up and down with each swallow.

An instant ache in my core surfaces and I clench my legs together. I can’t stand the way he makes me feel. It’s as though my mind plays tricks on me even though I know I shouldn’t want what’s happening to me.

He walks toward me and takes a seat on the couch.

Setting his water down on the coffee table, he leans back against the couch and situates himself closer to my trembling body.

He extends his hand for me, but all I can do is stare at it.

I don’t know what’s happening to me right now. My emotions are all over the place. I want to push him away and kick him out, but at the same time I want him to pull me closer and kiss me, never letting me go.

I’ve wanted this man to be a bigger part of my life ever since I got here. He’s hurt me, torn me apart, and made me feel like a worthless piece of shit. Yet, I can’t help but want him here with me…in more ways than one.

Reaching out for his hand, we sit in silence for a few moments.

He clears his throat and turns his body to face mine.

“I wasn’t lying with what I said earlier. You have no idea how much I want to be near you, with you, and make you happy. I have a shitty way of expressing myself and it’s something that I’ll need to work through, but when I’m with you I
want
to be better. You’re the only woman that has ever made me second guess my choices in life, Etty. I can’t fight it anymore; I have to make things right between us. I don’t want another day to go by without telling you how I really feel; it’s just hard for me. You have to really know me—who I am and who I want to be—to understand why I’ve been the way I have. Can you give me that chance, the time to explain? It’s all I can ask.”

A sense of hope fills my soul. How can I say no to him? The way he makes me feel is like nothing I’ve ever experienced, but with the snap of a finger I’m scared he’ll turn and hurt me again. I can’t bear to deal with all of it a second time.

He takes his hand from mine and places his thumb and forefinger on my chin. Looking at me with those eyes, my heart skips a beat.

“Dault,” I respond breathlessly.

“It won’t be easy, Etty, but I can only hope that you come along with me for this ride.”

I close my eyes and swallow the lump of fear that’s sitting in my throat. There is so much doubt coursing through me and I don’t know what to do.

Opening my eyes, I see him staring back at me.

“How do I know that you really want this, want
us
? What if you change your mind tomorrow? I can’t deal with you hating me again, it hurts too much.”