Dead Stars (36 page)

“You're depressed, Gwen. And when we're depressed, we get morbid. We catastrophize—”

“‘Catastrophize!'”

“We're filled with negative self-talk . . .”

“Just spare me, Phoebe. Please just fucking spare me. Why don't you admit it? You're probably
thinking
it, so why don't you just admit that I'm the one who let it happen? It
should not have happened,
that's the bottomline, but I
let it!
I am responsible,
1,000%
. Because
I am the mother
.”

“You didn't let
anything
happen.”

“O Phoebe, Phoebe, what do I do? How can I tell her? How can I
————
what do I
say
?”

“You tell her the truth.”

“I can't!”

“You can. Because the truth is that you brought her to the very best doctors in the world. And they determined, with all of their knowledge & all of their expertise, that Telma had breast cancer. And they found out that they were
wrong
. They found out too late. And that you wish you could change what happened, but you can't, because you're just a human being. You're just a mom. That's what you tell her. And you tell her as soon as possible. You can bring her here or I can come to the house. But before that happens, before you do have that talk with her, I want to see you in better shape.”

“Phoebe, you have to help me.”

“That's what I'm here for. You can do this, Gwen. You
have to
. Not just for Telma, but for
you.
Because she's sensitive, she's seen you depressed but she's never seen you like this. You can't keep her at her grandma's forever. I don't care how much you think you conceal it, Gwen, she knows something is
terribly wrong
, and it isn't fair to her for you to prolong this. And you can't go on beating yourself up either. The self-punishing has got to stop. The
rage
, the
false guilt
, will consume you.
[moments of silence]
Telma's strong
.
You know how we're always talking about her as an old soul? Well, I really believe that. Telma's an old, old soul. And she's tough. She must have been Cleopatra in another life.”

Gwen allowed herself a smile, & the shrink matched her.

“No,” said Gwen. “Mother
Teresa.
Did you know that she calls herself Daughter Teresa!”

“Ha! See? She's
tough
and she's
resilient
. But now I need
you
to be tough. I know you are, Gwen. I
know
you're tough through
observation
. I've seen you be tough—fierce—
heroic—
not just in this room, but in your
life
. I'm seeing it
now
,
you
just can't see it. I've seen you be a lioness, protecting your cub—yes I have, Gwen, & Telma had to get her courage from
somewhere
, no? That girl is a
survivor
, & so is her mom———————————”

“DON'T USE THAT WORD! DON'T EVER USE THAT WORD PHOEBE! I DON'T EVER WANT TO HEAR THAT WORD AGAIN FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE!”

paroxysm of sobs/moaning

empty boxes of Kleenex at her feet

then

Phoebe does something she usually avoids with patients, she walks around & kneels at the chair & holds her, rocking gently, like a mother, a mother & daughter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

CLEAN

[Telma]

Cave Dwellers

“Guess

who's coming over for a visit on Friday?”

“Who?”

“Phoebe.”

“O Phoebe! I miss her!”

“Well, she misses you too. She wants to see you.”

“We're not going to her office?”

“Nope.”

“I
like
her office.”

“She's making a housecall.”

“Ratchet!”

“Ratchet? What does that mean?”

“Just—that it's
ratchet!
”

. . .

“Mom, that boy Biggie called & asked me out to lunch.”

“Asked you out where?”

“Not really ‘out.' He asked if I wanted to come to lunch at his house in Bel-Air.”

“Who else is going to be there?”

“His nanny & I guess a chef? And maybe his brother.”

“You said he was so shy. I think it's nice that he called, that must have been very hard for him.”

“
Welllllllllll
 . . . I actually called
him.
”

“O you
did.
How very
forward
of you.”

“Not to ask him
out
, just to talk. Then
he
asked
me
.”

“Have they found out what's wrong with him?”

“No—I mean, I don't think so. I guess I don't really know. Maybe he'll tell me when I see him.”

“And where are his parents again?”

“He lives with his dad. Him & his brother. His mom hasn't been———I think maybe she was
gay
& maybe left his father for a woman.”

“This is something you were
told
, or something you've come up with using your
amazing powers
?”

“Sort of told. Kind of reading between the lines. I don't think she ever—I don't think the mom ever really came back. She, like,
disappeared
. As far as I know.”

“Not at all? To see her sons?”

“It's sort of ratchety. That she never came home. Because from my understanding, it did happen a while ago.”

“Strange.”

“Biggie said that evidently his mom is a
spelunker
. A
spelunker
is a person who likes going into
caves.
Evidently, his
mom
& the
woman
are
spelunkers
who go all around the world finding
caves
. To explore. I don't really have the whole story. I don't even have
one quarter
of the story.”

“Kind of interesting, anyway. Don't you think?”

“I don't really want to gossip.”

“It's information, not gossip.”

“It feels sorta gossipy.”

“You're protective of your new friend, & that's good. That's a lovely quality, Telma.”

“Can I go there for lunch?”

“Of course you can.”

. . .

“Should I ask Phoebe to the fundraiser?”

“What fundraiser?”

“Mom! The
Courage
Ball.”

“When
is
that?”

“Mom, do you have Alzheimer's?”

“That's not very nice.”

“Mom, you're on the
committee
. I'm going to
perform
.”

“O! That snuck up so fast. . . .”

“Mom, we've been
talking
about it. I've been
rehearsing
.”

“I've missed the last few meetings——”

“Steve
Martin
is hosting! Mom, you
love
Steve Martin! & they're giving an award to
Michael
. Michael
Douglas
. And O my God, Rihanna!”

“It's going to be an amazing evening.”

“Ratchet! You don't seem very excited.”

“I have a headache, that's all.”

“Mommy?”

“What, honey.”

“I'm sorry I asked if you had Alzheimer's.”

“It really didn't bother me, sweetheart.”

“
Good.
Anyway, we get two extra tickets & I thought it would be nice to ask Biggie Brainard. I mean, not that he couldn't get a ticket
himself
. Because he like
owns
the whole
hospital
. I thought it would be nice for him to come with.”

“It's very nice. Very thoughtful.”

“Can I give the
other
ticket to Phoebe when she comes over? Don't you think that's a good idea, Mom? Don't you think Phoebe would want to come?”

CLEAN

[Rikki]

Scripted Reality

Rikki

got an email from the Canoli-Maddin Casting Group, wanting him to come for an interview. They said that because they were seeing so many people, if the provided date & time didn't work for him, they would
not
be able to reschedule. A Googlemap of the Westside was attached, with a
near the intersection of Olympic & Centinela. The message closed with PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL/DO NOT CONTACT BY PHONE.

He printed it out & showed it to Tom-Tom. She held it in her hand without reading, sitting on the couch stoned watching a “Behind the Scenes Feature Video!” on the
Pregnant In Heels
website streaming thru the flatscreen, sipping her Pharrell Williams strawberry Qream™ liqueur. Then she read Rikki's email whereupon she closed her eyes as if having a prayerful telepathic moment before opening them again whence returning her attention to the Samsung. All she said was
“knew it,”
rhythmically repeating
knew it
,
knew it,
knew it,
dead-eyed, understated, faintly syncopated, smoked her joint & watched her program without looking at him, not a glance, just
knew it knew it knew it knew it knew it
now a murmur, gurgling of a fountain,
knew it
, she said,
cause
it
already happened
. (The only part for her to play, being, to witness the miracle{s} & be of service.) She added—still unlooking at Rikki—that she
knew it
in the very same way the
Mount Olympus
opportunity was going to happen, knew she'd be moving into this big empty house & taking everyone with her, her ragtag “dependents,” & only the strong would survive,
everyone
would be forced to step up their game or leave. Funny or die. That meant Jerzy & (Rikki &) ReeRee too, cause she wasn't gunna play favorites & had no time or patience for anybody's shit. She was building an
empire
, she was
branding
, she was krisgenerating & putting her life on the
line.
And because of the energy she put out, things were moving
fast.
The love you make = the love you take.
Tom-Tom had a vision
I had a vision of love
she would have her own hit reality show, Rikki was going to be a moviestar & she'd manage him on the side. (Tom-Tom had a lot of visions, some were so beautiful dark twisted fantasy she didn't even want to
summon
them, it was not yet their time.) One of her
visions
said Rikki was gunna be huge, he was gunna
POP
, & her reality show was gunna
BLOW the fuck UP
. Cause dont let em bullshit you life's a sprint not a marathon.
Life's a sprint nextel, you never know what's gunna be on the frickin verizon ahahahahahahah.
Yeah.
Yeah, baby.
This life is
stevejobshort
, my friends, so eat the freakin velvet cupcake.

Don' worry bout me, & who I fire, It's my empire, & yes I call the shots, I am the umpire————

The Tom-Tom train was leaving the station.

EXPLICIT

[Reeyonna]

Our Love Is Here To Stay

“When's

your audition?”

“Wednesday.”

“Next week?”

“This week.”

“You mean tomorrow.”

“Yeah.”

“What're you gunna do if you win? I mean if you get the part.”

“Be in the movie I guess.”

“What're you gunna do if you get famous.”

“Be famous. I don't know. Be famous.”

“What about us?”

“What about
you
?”

“
Us.
You, me & the baby.”

“What about it.”

“Are you gunna buy us a house?”

“Yeah I'll buy us a house.”

“Would we get married?”

“I guess.”

“O now you guess. Now that you're famous you have to
guess
.”

“I'm not guessing. I'm not guessing.”

“You said when you got
adopted
, after you were
adopted
we could get married.”

“OK. We will. I said we will.”

“I don't want this baby born out of wedlock, Rikki.”

“It won't. We can go to Vegas. Get married at the Hard Rock or some shit.”

“I don't want to live in this house anymore.”

“What's wrong with the house the house is tight.”

“I don't want to
be dependent
on other people. Especially not that
bitch
.”

“I'll move you out.”

“What do you mean you'll move
me
out.”

“Move us both. I think my dad's gunna give me some more bread.”

“Will you stop fucking other people?”

“What?”

“Are you going to stop fucking other people after we get married?”

“You're trippin.”

“Like you do now?”

“Like I do now?”

“That's right, Rikki.”

“O like I do now. & who am I supposed to be fucking?”

“Who? Who are you fucking? Should we start with Tom-Tom? Cause I don't
even
know where to go after that.”

“I'm not fucking Tom-Tom.”

“Lowlife snaky
bitch
who thinks it's cool to fuck my old man? Fucking
grenade
.”

“I'm not fucking Tom-Tom.”

“Rikki, don't
even
. What'd you guys do, make a porn tape while you were making the audition tape? Is that what you did, you made a little
porn tape
too? & does my
brother
know? Does my brother know his dyke grenade
girlfriend
is fucking the father of his sister's child? Rikki, you know you fucking make me
sick
.”

“He's not even your full brother.”

“
Fuck
you, Rikki——”

“& she's not even his girlfriend———”

“I
know
, she's YOURS!”

“ReeRee, come on . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .”

“My brother's probably
happy
cause he probably can't fuck anyway.”

“Nobody's fucking anyone, OK? You're paranoid. You're spending too much time in your room.”

“O! Right! Because she fucking
banned
me from the rest of the house! And
don't tell me
you're not fucking the skank.”

“There's nothing happening like that.”

“Then whose blood was that on your dick two days ago?”

“Blood on my dick? I didn't have blood on my dick——”

“O! So sorry! I didn't mean to
offend
. Because from that look on your face, it's like, O! I said something to really insult you!”

“You're tripping, Reeyonna.”

“Maybe it
wasn't
her blood. Maybe it was her
shit.
Maybe it's just
grenade
shit
———
”

“Man you're talking crazy.”

“You haven't even
seen
crazy.”

“You
know
she's a
dyke
.”

“O yeah! I forgot! She's a dyke! That's why
she's been fucking my brother for like 14 years!
But maybe he has a pussy, maybe he's just a big pussy! I gotta give you the benefit of the doubt, right? Have you ever seen my brother's pussy?”

[
He shakes his head, pissed/loaded
]

“Skanksnake is
bi
. She's a
bi-sexual bi-polar
CUNT
.
”

“And if I get the part in the movie, you're gunna have to kiss her
ass
.”

“No, that would be
you
.”

“Cause I couldn't have done
any
of that audition shit. I wouldn't be going down there tomorrow. She really helped me.”

“Helped you get a disease maybe.”

“Reeyonna, you know what? Fuck it. Whatever.”

“Whatever? Whatever? You have
no sensitivity
to my feelings! You are
so mean to me
—”

“Come one Ree, don't cry. Come on now—”

“You better wear a condom when we fuck.”

“Whatever
.
”

“Whatever? Whatever you fucking PIG I fucking HATE you!”

“Don't be throwing shit at me—”

“Aren't you even
attracted
to me anymore?
[she went to Macy's & bought a limited edition Karl Lagerfeld Impulse dress, she bought it in a bigger size so her stomach would fit, & took in the rest by sewing by hand, he didn't even say anything, how nice she looked, she did up her hair too]
You'd rather fuck a 35-year-old?”

“She's 31.”

“O my God, you're
defending
her————”

“I'm
not
defending her, Reeyonna. I'm not
fuckin
her either.”

“Why don't we do it, we don't even do it anymore.”

“I told you it's hard with your stomach getting big like that. Cause when I start I feel like man I can't put that in you cause it's all like
ooh whoa shit
I'm gunna hurt the baby!
I know it
won't
but it's still in my head
.
”

“Well try to get over it.”

“I know. I will. I'm sorry.”

“You are?”

“Yeah.”

“You still love me?”

“Yeah.
Hell
yeah. You're gunna be the mother of my child.”

“Not that way, the other way. Do you still love me the other way? Like do you still want to fuck me?”

“Yeah.”

“Then say it.”

“I love you the other way.”

“You still want to fuck me?”

“Yeah.”

“But do you love it, do you still love it?”

“Yeah I do.”

“What do you love. Tell me what you love.”

“To fuck you. I love to fuck you.”

“Then why don't you. Why don't you fuck me.”

“Like when like now?”

“Come on come on come on & FUCK me
.
Don't you want to make me come & suck my milk? I'll make you come so hard.”

“Go in the bedroom, Ima get some weed.”

“Where.”

“From Jerzy.”

“Is he home?”

“From his stash. He said it was OK.”

“Not the joints that are dusted.”

“You know I'm not down with KJ.”

“It could hurt the baby. If he has roxys, can you bring me?”

“Are u even supposed to be doin that shit? Roxys n shit?”

“The doctor said they're cool. & I went online & there's a whole list of painkillers that are OK if you're pregnant.”

“I'll look for em.”

“Then you'll come back & fuck me?”

“Yeah.”

“Wait—tell me what you're gunna do when you come back.”

“Gunna fuck you. Ima gunna be all over you.”

“
Who
you gunna come back & fuck?”

“You.”

“Reeyonna.”

“
Reeyonna.
Ima come back & fuck Reeyonna.
”

“Where are you gunna fuck her? Where on her body . . . . . . .”

“Ima fuck her pussy. Ima fuck her mouth & her ass. Ima fuck that baby out of you, bitch.”

“You know I'm gunna let you, Rikki.”

“Then you know I'm gunna be there. I'm gunna be there doin it to it.”

“Ooh I really miss it Rikki. Ooh Rikki Ima gunna make you feel
so goooooodddddd . . . . . . . . . . . .
”

“Then let me go 'n get that weed, girl. He got some Viagra & cialis & shit too, Ima wanna smoke a while & let all that shit hit me so I can get over it, you know help me to get over stickin my dick in & pokin that baby in the eyeball. Ima smoke a little weed & you can suck my dick.”

“Our baby's gunna be really happy you dropped in.”

“Ree, come on now, don't say that shit!!!!!!!!!”

“Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Now you're gunna make me all
neurotic———
”

“Go on & get that
weed
, Mr. Neurotica. And dont forget the
Viagra
. And dont forget the
Roxys
.”