Death of a Coupon Clipper (24 page)

Well, as you may have heard by now, I won the grand prize on
Wild and Crazy Couponing
! My brother and I decided to celebrate by blowing our food budget and having one
of my favorite seafood recipes “Lobster Bar Harbor,” since the two main ingredients,
lobster and steak, never seem to be on sale! As we sipped our rum cocktails and began
digging into our lobster-topped filets mignons (thanks to Mona for the lobster, because
she keeps a tank running in her shop during the winter for special occasions), I remarked
to Randy that I was surprised he was willing to eat lobster after the traumatic experience
he suffered when we were kids. I was about twelve and he was ten (although he has
since surpassed me in age because I like consistency and have decided to stay thirty,
going on six years now).

Our uncle Ronnie had a lobster boat and invited us to join him one Saturday morning
while he set and hauled a few traps. Our job was to help fill the bait bags for the
traps to be set.

My mother, who always feared we wouldn’t get enough food, packed us four sandwiches
(peanut butter and grape jelly), one large bag of chips, one container of onion dip,
an entire box of Twinkies, and two liters of Coca-Cola. It was a simpler time, before
many people had even learned the word “nutrition.”

As we motored out of the harbor, Randy quietly disappeared into the small cabin in
the front of the boat, while I soaked up the sun on deck and kept an eye out for dolphins
and seals, which were known to pop up from time to time, while we were heading out
to sea.

Uncle Ronnie stopped the boat and began setting the traps with the bait bags I had
prepared. Randy was still nowhere to be seen, so I headed to the cabin and found him
on the floor, surrounded by a few stray potato chips, some crumpled Twinkie wrappers,
and two empty Coke bottles. His face was smeared with peanut butter and jelly. I was
so mad! I yelled at him to go up on deck and help Uncle Ronnie bait the bags while
I cleaned up his mess!

When I finished cleaning, I joined Randy and Uncle Ronnie back on deck, where the
smell of the stinky, slimy fish bait was wafting up Randy’s nose. He began turning
green and his eyes were watering, and then he dropped the bait bag and sprinted to
the other side of the boat to heave his junk food lunch over the side. Uncle Ronnie
was not about to cut his day short for one puking kid, when he could make a day’s
wage. So I got stuck baiting the rest of the bags, while Randy recovered (although
I suspected he was just playing it up so he didn’t have to do any of the work). Eventually
Randy got bored and picked up two live lobsters and started doing funny cartoon voices,
like he was putting on a puppet show and the two lobsters were having a conversation.
Unfortunately, he failed to notice that one of the lobsters he grabbed was missing
the black rubber band Uncle Ronnie had secured on its left claw to keep it closed
and harmless. I didn’t dare mention I had removed it earlier to tie my hair into a
ponytail because the wind kept blowing my hair in my face—especially when the lobster’s
claw snapped onto Randy’s right middle finger.

Randy jumped up and down, screaming, twirling in circles, trying to shake off the
lobster. Uncle Ronnie had to hold a wailing Randy still with one hand, while trying
to pry the lobster off with his other. I was no help whatsoever, because I was laughing
hysterically.

After a stern lecture from Uncle Ronnie about how lucky he was for not losing a finger
from his fooling around, we headed back to the harbor with six lobsters to cook for
dinner that night. Randy decided that day he didn’t like lobsters anymore; so my mother
had to order him a pizza, while we dined on fresh steamed lobsters, with hot melted
butter.

Even when you’re on a tight budget, there’s nothing wrong with splurging every so
often. Even if you don’t have an uncle who has his own lobster boat, just go ahead
and treat yourself. Nothing feeds the soul and the tummy more than a rich, decadent
meal.

1¾ ounce favorite rum
¾ ounce lemon juice
¾ ounce grenadine

 

Pour all the ingredients in a cocktail shaker filled with ice. Shake well and pour
into chilled cocktail glasses.

4 eight-ounce beef tenderloin (filets mignons)
Kosher salt and fresh black ground pepper, to taste
½ teaspoon garlic powder
4 slices bacon
½ cup butter, divided
1 teaspoon Old Bay Seasoning
8 ounces steamed lobster tail and claws, chopped (Don’t worry if you use more; you
can never go wrong!)

 

Set your oven to broil, or heat your grill, if you prefer grilling.

 

Sprinkle tenderloins all over with kosher salt and fresh black ground pepper and garlic
powder. Wrap each filet mignon with bacon, and secure with a toothpick. Place on a
broiling pan and broil to desired doneness, about 8 to 10 minutes per side for medium
rare.

 

While the tenderloins are cooking, melt ¼ cup of the butter over medium heat with
½ teaspoon of Old Bay Seasoning. Stir in chopped lobster meat until nicely heated
through. Spoon the lobster meat over the tenderloins and return to broiler and cook
until the lobster meat is just beginning to brown, and remove from oven and plate.

 

Meanwhile, heat the remaining butter in a small saucepan over medium-high heat and
cook until it browns. Spoon the browned butter over the filets mignons topped with
the lobster and sprinkle with remaining Old Bay Seasoning.

 

This is a mouthwatering and indulgent meal to serve to that special someone in your
life.

He was late.

Twenty-four minutes, to be precise.

Hayley knew this was a bad idea. How could she have allowed her friend Liddy to fix
her up on a date? With Liddy’s own cousin from Bucksport! He didn’t even live in Bar
Harbor. And how could she have agreed to meet him on Valentine’s Day? Who goes on
a blind date on Valentine’s Day? That’s reserved for moony newlyweds who coo and giggle
and feed each other mushy, rich desserts with their fingers. Or for tired old married
couples who feel forced to show the world the magic is still there by dining out at
a romantic restaurant even though they would rather be eating in front of the TV watching
The X Factor
and not having to talk to each other.

She had tried to cancel, but Liddy wouldn’t hear of it because she was convinced that
what Hayley needed most right now was to get right back out there and date after her
on-again, off-again boyfriend Lex Bansfield recently blew town for Vermont after losing
his job.

Hayley checked her watch again.

This was torture.

Even though it was mid-February, there was no snow on the ground. The temperature
was a brisk thirty-seven degrees. No ice on the roads. What possible excuse could
he have for being this late? The trip from Bucksport to Bar Harbor was only a little
over an hour if he took Route 3.

Hayley gulped down the last of her merlot and tried to signal Michelle, the bartender/waitress
at her brother’s bar Drinks Like a Fish, for her check.

Hayley was not going to wait longer than thirty minutes for a blind date to show up.
And that was final. Michelle’s back was turned, and then she scurried through the
swinging doors into the kitchen and didn’t see Hayley waving at her.

Hayley actually felt relieved. Now she could firmly tell Liddy that she had given
the whole dating thing a try and it just didn’t work out. She certainly wasn’t too
keen on starting a serious relationship. Especially so soon after Lex. Lex was a wonderful
man, a real stand-up guy, but he was not without his issues, and Hayley just didn’t
have the energy right now to devote to a man. Her kids had been extremely demanding
lately with their various teen dramas, and she wanted to focus more on them and her
food and cocktails column at the
Island Times
newspaper.

Besides, dating was such a brutal endeavor. And she was never especially good at it.
On her first date with Lex, she wound up arrested. But that was another story.

Michelle breezed out of the kitchen and Hayley finally caught her attention. Hayley
quickly made a scribbling motion with her finger indicating she would like to pay
for her wine and get the hell out of there, but then she suddenly felt a cold chill
on her back as the front door to the bar swung open and a blast of winter air swept
through the bar. She nearly jumped out of her chair as the door banged shut.

Hayley closed her eyes.

Please let this not be him.

Please let this not be him.

“Hayley?”

Hayley took a deep breath and swung her head around, hoping for the best.

“Yes. Ted?”

Ted nodded. He was taller than Hayley expected. Much taller. In fact, there was a
quick pain in her neck as she cranked her head up to meet his face. The first thing
she noticed was he had a beautiful head of dirty-blond hair. Wavy and thick and a
bit shaggy. But then her eyes settled on his face. Nice features, but something was
definitely off. Maybe it was the low lighting in the bar, but it looked almost as
if his left cheek, no the whole left side of his face, was drooping or slightly deformed.
This certainly didn’t come across in the photos on his Facebook page that Hayley researched
before agreeing to meet him.

He shed his winter coat and sat down across from Hayley. “I was hoping you wouldn’t
notice.”

Hayley tried acting nonchalant. “Notice what?”

“My face. I had a small cosmetic procedure today, and the doctor warned me this might
happen for a day or two until my face settles. My mother begged me to reschedule because
with my nasty luck, she knew something like this might scare you off.”

“Is it some kind of medical issue?”

“Oh no. Nothing that dramatic. Just a little facelift. We’re not getting any younger,
and you know what they say, if you want to sell the used car you need to keep it looking
shiny and new.”

Hayley had never heard anyone say that.

“So is it noticeable?” he asked, a mask of genuine concern on his face. Or at least
half of it.

Hayley leaned forward slightly. “You can hardly tell.”

That was a huge lie. He looked a bit like that Batman villain Two-Face. One side of
the face normal. The other horribly disfigured.

Michelle stopped by the table. “What can I get you?”

Michelle’s eyes nearly popped out of her head at the sight of Ted’s misshapen face,
but she instantly recovered and smiled, pretending not to be startled.

“Just some coffee. I have to drive back home to Bucksport. And do you have anything
to eat? I have a raging sweet tooth.”

“Yes, we do,” Michelle said pointing to a plastic bar menu in a metal holder on the
table. “I recommend the German chocolate cake.”

Michelle winked at Hayley knowingly. Randy had recently decided to serve sandwiches
and appetizers and a few desserts at his bar, and it had been a huge hit with the
locals. Hayley helped out by baking a few of her signature desserts for him.

Ted ordered the German chocolate cake and Michelle scooted back into the kitchen,
leaving Hayley with Droopy Face.

“So, Hayley, you’re much prettier than your photo. Tell me a little bit about yourself,”
Ted said, trying to be seductive.

Hayley couldn’t take her eyes off his sagging cheek. It was making her uncomfortable
and she just wanted to bolt out of there, but she couldn’t be rude and Liddy would
never forgive her.

So she just rattled off a litany of bullet points about her life. Born and raised
in Bar Harbor. Divorced. Two kids. Columnist for the paper. Then she quickly turned
the conversation over to him, and he relished in talking about himself. How he had
been a high school basketball star. How his dashing good looks drew women like flies
but he had very high standards, which explained why he had yet to marry. He was engaged
once but his mother didn’t approve so the relationship was doomed.

There was that mother again.

Mentioned twice in five minutes.

Never a good sign.

His cell phone rang, interrupting his incredibly boring life story.

He fished it out of the back pocket of his khaki pants and glanced at it.

“It’s my mother. I should take this.”

Three times in five minutes.

Half his face lit up as he answered the call. The other half sagged a bit more.

“Mother, you minx. You know I’m on a date,” he said, winking at Hayley.

Hayley forced a smile.

“Yes, she’s quite pretty. No, she says you can’t notice it. I checked myself in the
rearview mirror in the car before I came in and I thought it did look a bit slouchy
so maybe she’s just being polite. Oh. Okay.”

Ted held out the phone. “She wants to talk to you.”

“Excuse me?”

“Mother. She wants to speak with you.”

Hayley just sat there, mouth agape for a few seconds before robotically holding out
her hand for the phone and putting it to her ear. “Hello?”

“Hi, Hayley, this is Ted’s mother, Mary Beth.”

“Hello, Mary Beth.”

Michelle delivered the cup of coffee and the German chocolate cake, and Hayley watched
horrified as Ted scarfed it down, getting smears of the coconut pecan frosting lodged
on the side of his sagging face while listening to his mother on the other side of
the phone.

“I told Ted not to meet you so soon after his surgery. You need to put your best foot
forward on a first date. Make a good impression. ‘Why not give your face a couple
of days to settle before meeting Hayley?’ That’s what I told him, but do you think
he listened to me? Of course not! He insisted that from what Liddy told him, you would
not be shallow enough to judge Teddy on a little temporary side effect from his procedure.”

She was wrong.

Hayley was judging. She felt bad about it. But she just couldn’t help herself.

Ted finished off the cake and was now slurping his coffee.

“He’s normally quite handsome, Hayley. You’re going to have to trust me on that,”
Mary Beth cooed. “All the women in Bucksport are after my Teddy, but they’re just
silly girls with no ambitions. I told Teddy he needed somebody of substance, someone
with a career. Someone creative. I adore cooking. I’m somewhat of an amateur chef
myself. And when my niece Liddy mentioned you were a food writer, well, I just knew
we had to meet you.”

We? Did she just say we?

“Anyway, I would love for you to give him another chance. Try again in a couple of
weeks once his face settles. I’m positive you won’t be disappointed.”

Hayley nodded, dumbfounded, before realizing Mary Beth couldn’t see her through the
phone. She cleared her throat. “Um, okay.”

It was never going to happen.

“Thank you, Hayley. I cannot wait to meet you. I suspect we’ll be fast friends.”

“Bye,” Hayely said flatly, handing the phone back to Ted, who pressed it to his ear
and grinned.

“I hope you didn’t embarrass me, Mother.”

They chatted a few more seconds, and then Ted shut off his phone and stuffed it back
into his pants pocket.

Michelle swung by the table. “How did you like the cake?”

“It was a little dry,” Ted said huffily. “I think you need a new chef.”

Michelle glanced at Hayley, who shook her head. Best not tell him she baked the cake.

Michelle turned back to Ted. “Can I get you anything else?”

“Just the check,” Ted demanded.

Michelle tore it off her pad and slapped it down on the table. As she walked away,
Hayley noticed Ted checking out her ass.

Seriously?

Ted let the check sit there for a few seconds.

As if he was hoping Hayley was going to reach for it first.

So she did.

Ted raised the palm of his big bony hand to stop her. “No. No. Allow me.”

Maybe chivalry wasn’t dead in Bucksport.

“You can get it next time,” he said.

Yes, it was quite dead.

He reached into the other back pocket of his khakis.

Half his face froze.

He then frantically searched the pockets of his winter coat, which was draped over
the back of his chair, before giving Hayley a sheepish grin. “I must have left my
wallet in the car. You wait here. I’ll go get it.”

“No!” Hayley almost screamed as she snatched the check out of his hand and slammed
some money down on the table, perhaps a little too hard. She couldn’t stand another
minute with Droopy Dog. “You can get it next time.”

“You really shouldn’t have to pay. I mean, Liddy told me your brother owns this place.
They should comp you. Kind of rude of him, don’t you think?”

Hayley just stared at him. His sagging face actually fit his personality.

Liddy.

The mastermind behind this nightmare.

Hayley was going to have to resist the urge to murder her BFF for putting her through
this.

Especially since she was about to have another dead body on her hands . . .