Death Wish (18 page)

*

“They sound really cute!”
I turn away from the mirror, where I was braiding my hair, and look at Harrison. He’s laying on the bed, the smile from his laugh still on his lips. I just finished telling him about meeting the Schumacher twins, and he agrees with my assessment of them acting like excitable puppies. I had to give him an explanation for why Doctor Sloan sent me on an errand, but I was glad for the opportunity. Even though I can’t tell him about the undercover aspect, I want to remain as honest as possible with my partner.
So far, I don’t think he’s noticed anything out of the ordinary. I’m glad. I don’t want him to know I’m lying to him, because I know that will drive a stake between us. I hate to admit it, but I know I’m selfish. I’m selfish for not telling him everything, because I’m afraid of what would happen if he knew the truth. I don’t want to lose him in any way, so I remain silent and continue acting as though everything is normal.
“So tell me more.” He pats the open space beside him. I stand up and move away from the mirror. “How was it, visiting the Engineering Department?”
“It was… definitely different,” I say, sinking down onto the plush mattress and leaning back against the headboard. Harrison scoots over next to me. I drape one of my legs over his and we lean against each other while we talk. “Their office was a lot messier than our offices are, but I don’t think that was a reflection on the Department. I think those two are just disorganized.” Harrison laughs and I grin, but yet another pang of guilt shoots through my chest.
What kind of person am I becoming? Not only am I working with an insurgent group, but I’m lying to the love of my life and using two innocent Engineers for my own means. Can I really call myself the same person that I was before when I’m acting like this? Am I still the caring person that Robin said I was when I’m using deception and trickery to get my way?
But that’s just it: I
do
still care. I feel guilt over my actions, and I still want to change them. I haven’t thrown away all of my emotions and morals for this new cause, even though my behavior has changed. I’m still working for the larger goal of making everyone happy, and that type of motivation is what has always driven me. Even if my actions have changed, the drives behind them haven’t.
I’m not going to let my work change me. I want to change the world we live in. I want to change it for the better, but I don’t want to change myself for the worse in the process. While I tell Harrison the details of my day, and watch his beautiful smile break out over his face at my words, I vow that I will actually become a friend to the Schumacher twins. I want to bring them happiness, just as I always wanted to bring happiness to the clients of my Godmother work. And I hope that, once the Revolutionaries get the information they need, the return of death in our world will bring happiness to everyone. Happiness that they didn’t realize they were missing.

Wish 24

While I was okay at first, the following days become progressively harder as I continue hiding the truth from Harrison. I have to hide the information I’m researching when he comes into my office, I have to come up with believable lies when he asks what Robin and I were talking about together, and, hardest of all, I have to continue acting normally throughout my deception. I love Harrison too much to keep the truth from him, but I’m so terrified of putting him in danger that I’m never able to tell him what’s going on. The words have moved to my lips so many times, but the knowledge that he could be killed for learning about the Revolutionaries’ existence freezes my tongue each time.
So the week after I met Alli and James, when Harrison comes into my apartment and finds me crying on the couch, I look up at him through watery eyes and am at a loss for what to do.
He’s by my side in an instant, and the bag of takeout food he had been carrying lies forgotten and spilled across the floor of my entryway. The scent of garlic and butter fills the air, reminding me of the afternoon we spent eating at the cafe before completing the bear attack Wish. Things we so much simpler then
—
the only things I had to worry about were how hurt I was going to get on assignment, and whether or not I had enough in my bank account to splurge on
Roasted Roost
coffee three times that day.
Harrison is wrapping his arms around me and asking frantic questions.
Elly, what’s wrong? What happened? Tell me what happened.
I push my words through my sobs, trying to come up with a lie but failing miserably. Instead, I just choke out:
“I-I can’t, I c-can’t tell you.”
Was it another Wish? Did someone hurt you? Sweetheart, why can’t you tell me?
I break at the sound of his concern. From the first day we met, Harrison has been nothing but a loyal and kind friend. And as our feelings for each other developed into something more, his loyalty and kindness only grew deeper and stronger. We have fought by each other’s side for years, and have become partners not only in our work but in every aspect of our lives. I love him with all my heart, and I know that he’s the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. And the fact that I have to deceive him, to keep him ignorant in order to keep him safe, is killing me. But I don’t know what else to do.
“Elly.”
I look up. I don’t know when he did, but at some point he gathered me into his arms and I now lay curled against him. I press my palm against his chest and push myself away to look into his eyes.
“What do you need from me?” The question is hushed, barely a whisper. And it feels like a punch in the gut, because what I need isn’t fair to him.
I need him oblivious so that I can protect him from the danger I’m in.
I draw in a shaky breath and spin my lie from the idea his earlier questions gave me.
“I’m sorry, Harrison,” I whisper, and he leans closer so he can hear. I clear my throat, my voice gaining in confidence as I fabricate the details of the lie in an instant. “But it’s... It’s a Wish submission Robin and I were assigned. The client wants to be killed by an angel, and—and I...”
I trail off, not needing to finish the sentence. Harrison wraps his arms around me.
“Oh, sweetie,” he whispers, gently stroking the back of my head.
He knows why the scars on my back are there. He thinks I’m crying because traumatic memories are overwhelming me. I feel like throwing up since the real reason for my tears is that I’ve been lying to him for weeks. I hate this feeling and I wish I could turn back time so I never learned about the Revolutionaries’ existence or Robin’s involvement with them.
I bury my face into his shoulder, inhaling the orange scent of the body wash he must have used today. He murmurs quiet reassurances
—
that it will be okay, that this client won’t be like the last one, that I’m so much stronger and more prepared than I was all those years ago. I nod, but it isn’t for the reason he thinks. I nod because I’m, once again, trying to convince myself that I’m doing the right thing, and that my decision to keep him in the dark is for his own good. The soft movement of his fingertips slowly calms me down, and my muscles begin to unclench. I tilt my head up and kiss his jawline, praying that he still doesn’t know I’m lying.
And, when this is all over and I can finally tell him the truth, I pray that he’ll forgive me.

*

“Godmother Hayworth?”
I look up. Anna the receptionist is at my office doorway. The scene reminds me so vividly of the meeting to announce the Smiths’ deaths that my stomach drops.
Have they learned something? Are we in danger?
But my fears immediately disappear when I see the two people standing behind her.
“These two Engineers said you invited them, but I didn’t see any meetings scheduled for you today.” Anna is looking at Alli and James with thinly veiled distrust, but I nod.
“They have a standing invitation, Anna, it’s okay,” I reassure her, waving the twins inside. They slide in past Anna, who walks away with a muttered
whatever.
I smirk at her attitude
.
I wonder if she would still dislike me even if I wasn’t with Harrison.
“Hi, Eliza!”
Alli is bursting to the seams with excitement. James, the calmer of the two, just smiles and waves with a soft
hello.
“Hey, you two,” I respond, motioning them towards the two chairs in front of my desk. They sit down, and Alli suddenly looks nervous.
“Um, I realized that I had forgotten about a few pages from the research I gave you yesterday,” she says sheepishly, leaning forward to give me a thin manila envelope. I take it, making a mental note to give it to Doctor Sloan as soon as I can. “I’m sorry; our office is so cluttered that I didn’t realize the mistake until this morning.” She looks really anxious, but her brother just laughs.
“Yeah, that
and
you wanted any excuse to get out of the office to see your new friend,” James teases. Alli blushes and punches his arm, but the smile on her face shows that it’s half-hearted. I laugh.
“Well, thank you for bringing that by. And I’m glad you delivered it yourselves, because I’m about ready to throw this paperwork out the window.” I stand up, place my hands on the back of my hips and lean backwards until I feel the vertebrae
pop.
“Would you two like to get out of here?”
I see a look of disbelief in Alli’s gaze, like she can’t understand why I would want to go out of my way to spend time with them. I wonder for a moment if she’s used to being excluded and ignored, and my heart aches for her. But then she nods her head up and down, her eyes sparkling.
“That sounds great, Eliza,” agrees James, holding back a laugh while he answers for his sister who’s been struck dumb with excitement. I motion to the door, and together we head out into the hallway. We pass Harrison, talking to Albert and Jenny a few doors down, and he blows a kiss in my direction. I move my hand out to “catch” it, and I press my palm to my lips. I see him laugh. I grin and continue walking with the twins.
“Who’s that?” Alli looks over my shoulder at Harrison. “He’s really cute.”
“Yeah he is,” says James appreciatively, and I feel a tingle of pride in my chest.
“That’s my partner and boyfriend, Harrison,” I explain. Alli immediately bombards me with questions. How did we meet, how long have we been together, are we getting
married
, does he have a brother. I laugh and answer her questions when I can get a word in edgewise. I am genuinely enjoying their company. It feels good to realize that I would have befriended these two even if I didn’t need information on the Chips. It makes the knot of guilt in my chest loosen just a little bit. The knot doesn’t disappear, but treating the twins with kindness and making them happy does make it a bit easier to breathe.

*

“Hey, Eliza, your coffees are ready!”
Jason whistles to me from behind the counter. I wave my hand to acknowledge that I heard him. I excuse myself from the table where I sit with Alli and James, and walk over to the redheaded barista.
“Thanks, Jason,” I say, and he nods. But as I turn to move away, the three ceramic cups of coffee balancing precariously on a plastic tray, he waves a hand to stop me.
“Eliza, your friend is
cute
,” he gushes under his breath. “Is he a Godfather?”
I follow his gaze over to James, oblivious and talking with his sister. I grin at Jason’s obvious infatuation. “No,” I reply, shifting the tray to rest on my hip. “He works in another part of the Security Branch. Not sure what his technical position is.” I remain quiet about James’ actual career. After all, since citizens don’t know about the Life Chips, they don’t know about the Engineers who are in charge of building and maintaining said Chips. I should ask the twins what cover story they give when outsiders ask what they do for a living.
“Well damn, I don’t care what his job is. I can think of a few
positions
I’d like to get him into.” Jason waggles his eyebrows and I snort with laughter at the innuendo.
“I’ll see what I can do,” I say, and with a wave of my fingers I move back to our table. I place the coffees in front of my companions, who give me earnest
thank you
s. When they tried to pay for their drinks earlier, I brushed them off, insisting that it was my treat. Another attempt to relieve my guilt over using the unsuspecting pair to glean information.
“You’re welcome,” I say with a smile. Alli immediately pours a stream of sugar into her cup, while James eyes the dark liquid in front of him suspiciously.
“Something wrong, James?” He looks up at me when I ask, and I notice a faint blush on his cheeks. He shakes his head, but Alli giggles.
“Oh my gosh, I forgot to tell you,” she says, looking sideways to grin at her brother. “James has never tried coffee before.”
My mouth drops in horror. Alli laughs while James’ blush deepens.
“James!” I half-shout with shock. “How could you have never tried coffee before? I’m practically offended!”
Alli keeps giggling and James’ face starts rivaling the red shade of the poppy flower on my phone’s wallpaper. He mutters something about never being interested, and betting that it tastes gross. I glance to the side and notice Jason eagerly watching our table from behind the counter.
A wicked idea pops into my head. I lean forward.
“But James, you
have
to try it,” I plead under my breath. “I mean, Jason is going to be
so heartbroken
if you don’t like it.”
James looks confused, and when I direct his gaze to the handsome student behind the counter Jason winks. James’ blush turns an even brighter shade of red. I laugh while his sister squeals in delight.
“Oh my gosh, James, he’s even cuter than Harrison,” exclaims Alli.
“Hey now, let’s not get carried away,” I say, pretending to be offended. But I wink at her to let the female Engineer know I’m teasing. She giggles and looks back at her brother.
“You
have
to drink it now,” Alli demands. I nod in agreement. James ducks his head, mortified by the situation. I push the cup closer to him and he lifts it with shaky fingers.
“Ew, you’re going to try it black?” Alli wrinkles her nose in disgust. With the sugar in her coffee, sodas in her office refrigerator, and plates of cookies near her work desk, it’s clear that she’s a die-hard sweet tooth. But the bitter liquid flows over the rim of the cup into James’ waiting mouth, without sugar or cream to soften the taste.
Alli and I watch him with baited breath as he sets the cup back down on its saucer. He lets out a sharp exhale, stands up, and walks over to the counter. Alli lets out another little squeak of delight. He motions Jason over. The two talk together for a few moments, and I see Jason hold out his hand. James passes him something, but we can’t see it from our table. James says something else to the handsome barista, then walks back over to us a moment later. Alli and I are silent, staring at him with round eyes and waiting for the details.
“So, turns out I really like coffee,” he announces before holding up his phone. Jason’s number is displayed on the glowing screen.
Alli and I cheer in the small cafe, earning the annoyed glances of the other customers, another blush from James, and a sharp laugh across the room from Jason.

*

“Here you go, Doctor Sloan.”
I hand her the envelope Alli gave me yesterday. I’m in the Surgical building of the Godparent complex, and I keep finding myself amazed by the differences between each area. The main entrance of the complex, in the Clerical Department where clients come to submit their Wishes, is bright, open, and reflective of the beauty found in nature. The office wing for the Godparents is softly lit and sparsely decorated
—
our focus is on our work, nothing else. The Engineering building is quiet and almost sacred, where the only sounds that drift through the corridors come from the mechanical
whirring
of the instruments used to create Life Chips.
But the Surgical building is stark, sterile, and cold. Everything is painted in a bright white, except for the shiny silver surgical tools that lie near operating tables, waiting for the patients who come in needing to replace the parts of their bodies that have worn down. The offices of each Surgeon vary, but I notice that Harriet Sloan has chosen to leave decorations out of her workspace. The walls and furniture are all white, and as I stand in front of her desk the strange feeling of being trapped in a void pulses through me.
She looks up from the neatly ordered papers on her desk and meets my gaze. I feel like I’m contaminating the spotless space. I tug at the hem of my lilac sweater nervously. She takes the envelope from my grasp and leans back in her chair, the white leather squeaking softly at the movement.
“Thank you, Godmother Hayworth,” she says, her husky voice betraying no hint that we know each other. I nod, wanting to tell her about my friendship with the Schumacher twins, but I’m wary of the possibility that we’re being watched. So when she tells me that I can go, I give her a slight bow and leave the office.
The next step for me is to continue getting closer to Alli and James so that I can glean as much information about how the Life Chips work as I can. Another throb of guilt shoots through my chest at the knowledge of my deception, but try to reassure myself that I’m being a true friend in the process. Alli no longer spends all of her time holed up in her office, and is instead spending as much time with me and, by extension, Harrison and Robin, as possible. James also enjoys our company, but his time is divided between his new friends and his even newer love interest, Jason.
Alli is still prone to bouts of self-consciousness and James is still reserved, but I can tell that, in the time from our first meeting to now, they have both opened up significantly. James laughs more easily and Alli is more willing to speak her mind. These positive changes in their self-confidence make me glad. But even though I think my friendship has been good for them, it still makes me cringe to know my relationship with the two is based on a lie. Robin was thrilled when she first learned that I was using the twins to gain information, and with a pat on my back assured me that the deception was worth it.
If it wasn’t for the guilt I feel when I look into the unsuspecting eyes of each sibling, I would believe it myself.