Death Wish (15 page)

Wish 20

When the cool night air washes over me, Robin finally removes my blindfold. We’re standing in the alley where I was knocked unconscious by James. After agreeing to do some work for the Revolutionaries, Darian ordered Robin to blindfold me once again before I could leave the underground base. That way, he had said with a slight smirk, I couldn’t find them again if I had a sudden change of heart. The lack of immediate trust doesn’t bother me; in fact, it helps explain how this group has been able to operate for so long without detection. I turn to Robin while she threads the blindfold through one of the belt loops on her jeans, and give her a tired smile when she looks up.
“Well, I guess this explains why you freaked out on your first assignment,” I joke, but there isn’t much energy in it. After having my entire world turned upside down in less than twenty-four hours, I think I’m allowed to be exhausted.
“Yeah,” she agrees, brushing a strand of her jet black hair behind her ear self-consciously. “I knew that I might have to complete a Death Wish—you know, to keep up appearances—but I was hoping I would be able to gather the Chip information before it came to that.” She returns my smile, but like mine, there is no happiness behind it.
I look down the mouth of the alley, watching the pedestrians on the sidewalk, and ask her the question that’s been on my mind for some time now. “So do you really hate the Godparents that much?”
She sighs, but I don’t turn. I’ve been through so much, and learned so many new things in these last few hours, that I find myself needing to focus on something as mundane as the strangers in the distance to keep hold of my sanity.
“To be honest, after my dad died…” She walks up beside me, also watching the pedestrians, and clears her throat before continuing. “Yeah, I kind of did. For me to have such passion for change, I needed the Fairy Godparent Organization to be an evil, faceless, bureaucratic, mass-murdering horror. And it was.”
“Was?”
She nods in my periphery.
“Yeah, was. But, like I said underground, you changed that.”
She touches my shoulder gently, and I finally tear my gaze away from the street to look at her.
“You made me see that not all Godparents joined because they enjoy killing people. Some of them, like you, do it because they believe it’s a good system and they want to be a part of it. But, despite the good intentions, it
is
a bad system. And I want to change the way our world works more than anything. I’ll do my best to keep my cover intact while we continue our work, but please understand that I will never be happy with what you do. With what the Godparents do.” She shrugs. “You certainly do a great job putting a positive spin on it, but at the end of the day I can’t justify murdering another person. Maybe there’s a continuum of what’s right and wrong, but there is a clear, black-and-white line for me between what the Revolutionaries are doing and what the Fairy Godparent Organization is doing. I hope that, eventually, you will also see the difference between the two. But until that day comes, I’m just glad that you’re open to what we’re doing.”
She pats my shoulder, and with a quick
See you tomorrow
she’s out on the sidewalk, heading towards whatever her next engagement is. I look up at the sky. The clouds above are dark and grey, and a drop of water splashes onto my forehead. The musty smell of oncoming rain is in the air. I’ll have to get inside soon if I don’t want to get soaked.
I know exactly where I’m going.

*

A few minutes later I’m standing at Harrison’s front door. I didn’t move fast enough to escape the thunderstorm, and water drips steadily from my hair and clothes onto the rug outside of his apartment. I take a deep breath. My mind scrambles to think of what to say when I see him. I don’t want him to worry about where I’ve been, but I also don’t want him to get involved in such a dangerous situation.
I knock. There are hurried footsteps inside and then Harrison yanks open the door, his chocolate-brown eyes filled with worry.
“Elly!” His voice is filled with shock and relief all at once. “Oh thank
God
, I’ve been trying not to freak out since last night.”
Since last night?
I’m startled
—
I was trapped underground longer than I realized.
“I mean, I know you were talking with Robin, but I haven’t been able to get a hold of you for over a day. Sweetie, what’s wrong?”
Harrison reaches his hands forward to cup the side of my face, and any remaining resolve I had to tell him what happened flies out the window. I don’t want to lie to Harrison, but I can’t put him in danger by telling him the truth.
A strangled noise escapes my throat, and I lean down to throw my arms around him. His arms wrap around my middle and he makes soothing noises while I grip him tight. I’m not crying, but I’m so overwhelmed by how much has happened—Robin’s betrayal, the existence of the Revolutionaries, the horrifying reality of what the Life Chips are doing to the whole world—that the pure adrenaline I’ve been running on for the last few hours disappeared when I saw the comforting,
normal
sight of Harrison at the door.
The next thing I know, I’m sitting on the couch inside Harrison’s apartment while he busies himself in the kitchen. The high-pitched hiss of a kettle boiling reaches my ears and I smile. Tea is Harrison’s ultimate comfort, and whenever I’m upset the first thing he does is make me a cup of
Pu Erh Dante
. He prefers green teas, but since I’m a caffeine junkie and black tea is the closest in strength to coffee, he always brews that type for me. I lean back into the sofa cushions, wrapping the blue blanket that Harrison draped across me tighter around my body.
A few minutes later my partner joins me on the couch, sitting down and handing me a mug of tea. He rests one arm across the back of the sofa and the light touch of his hand is on me, his fingers softly moving across my hair. This gentleness is almost enough to bring a tear to my eye; experiencing so much betrayal and surprise in just a day makes me appreciate kindness all that much more.
“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Harrison’s voice is as soft as his fingers, which continue their dance across my hair. “Or do you just want to sit and relax?”
There is no pressure to explain, no anger over my unexplained absence; just a gentle reassurance that he is there for anything that I need. His kindness causes my resolve to teeter, and I’m about to open my mouth to tell him everything.
But then I remember the secrecy of the Revolutionaries. They wouldn’t need to hide their entire group in caves underneath the city streets if it was safe to be doing what they’re doing. If the government found out what goal the Revolutionaries were working towards, they would be branded as a terrorist group and anyone connected to the organization would be executed. When you’re endangering society, you lose the right to decide when you die.
I’m willing to take that risk for my beliefs, but I am not willing to put Harrison in danger for them. And even though it breaks my heart, the next words that come out of my mouth are lies to protect the man I love.
“I’m okay,” I murmur, letting the exhaustion I feel seep in to my voice. “I was just... I’ve spent this entire time trying to convince Robin not to... resign.”
Harrison sucks in a shocked breath; we both now that “resignation” for Godparents means submitting your own Death Wish. You don’t get to quit
—
you’re a Godparent from the time you sign up until your final breath.
“It’s been that hard on her?” His voice is hushed, like he’s hoping he heard wrong. But I nod.
“Could they... I don’t know, could they move her into the Clerical Department?” His words are now desperate. “Or counseling? Something to get her out of completing the Wishes, but not leaving the Organization?”
I shake my head. “No, because even the other departments in our building don’t know how we complete Wishes. The Security branch won’t let us move into other occupations because that increases the risk of the general public learning about the Life Chips.”
Harrison lets out a frustrated noise. “I understand that... But I guess I was hoping they could make an exception for extreme cases. Were you able to talk her out of it?”
I nod, and am shocked to find how easily the lies come to my lips. I guess living as a professional actress and assassin means that I’m able to deceive others without difficulty. But I always assumed it would be hard to lie to those I love. I hate that it’s not.
“Yeah... I sent her on her first solo mission the other day, and I thought she handled it really well. But it turns out it had been eating away at her, and she was getting desperate. I was finally able to talk her away from the edge of the cliff, but I don’t know how long that will last.”
Harrison nods sympathetically, his fingers still gently brushing my hair. “I don’t understand why this is still so hard for her...” He murmurs. “I mean, I know it’s a hard transition, but why would she have signed up in the first place when she knew what it entailed?”
Because she didn’t want to be a Godparent
, I think to myself.
“I don’t know, but she probably didn’t realize the gravity of what she was getting in to when she signed up. After all, it’s one thing to
think
you can do something, but another thing to actually do it.”
He nods again. “Well, I’m glad you were able to convince her to stay on. Is there anything I can do to help? I know she’s your trainee, but is there anything I can do to lighten the load?”
He’s looking at me so sweetly and with such a strong desire to help. Another pang shoots through my chest at my deception. But when I imagine him being killed for something I could have protected him from, I manage to keep my face free of any traces of the lie. I give him a small smile and lean forward to kiss the top of his head.
“Just keep being yourself,” I whisper into his hair. The golden strands smell like the lemon shampoo he always uses, and I close my eyes while breathing in the bright scent. “I think that you should show her as much kindness as possible.” I pull back to look down at him. “Making her feel like she’s part of our family will do more to help her through the hard times than anything else could.”
“Sounds good, Elly,” says Harrison with a bright smile. “I can do that.”

*

Long after I went home and Harrison fell asleep, I lay on my bed wide awake. My eyes roam over the various bumps and grooves in the ceiling of my bedroom while my mind races. When I was in the caves underground, my main concern was with getting out alive. While I didn’t necessarily lie to Robin and Darian, I did say what I hoped would convince them to let me go. I pretended that I was more firm in my beliefs, rather than risk telling them how fragile these newfound ideas in my heart really are.
And it worked. I will still continue my work as a Godmother, but I will be working for them. At least, that’s what they believe. I can still go to the Primary, reveal what I know, and let them arrest Robin. But it makes my stomach turn to think about what techniques they would use on her in order to gain more information about the underground group.
Is that the only reason I haven’t given them up? Because I’m protecting Robin? That would make sense. And by cooperating with the rebels, I run the risk of personally being labeled a terrorist. The label is fitting; what the group is fighting for essentially means the eventual slaughter of all our country’s citizens.
But can you call it slaughter when it happens naturally?
I’m not naive; permanently disabling the Life Chips could lead to the return of murder. And while our medical science is theoretically able to cure any ailment, what happens when the Chips are gone? Can we really anticipate all of the potential outcomes?
My gaze slides away from the ceiling and I turn onto my side. I cup the pendent of my necklace in my palm, willing myself to calm down. The long scars that mar the skin on my back are burning, and I feel a wave of fear consume me. I haven’t thought about the Wish that led to those scars in years, but Robin’s words about the harm Life Chips wreak on Godparents is bringing back the memories. I curl in on myself and cross my arms over my chest, gently stroking my fingers across the tips of the ragged scar tissue by my shoulders. The comforting gesture helps a bit, and I slow my breath into an even tempo.
The points Robin and the Chief made for disabling the Life Chips were disturbingly effective. Even though they were talking about a complete decimation of our way of life, I found myself agreeing with their words. But how can a small group of people be allowed to make such a huge decision for everyone in the country? For humanity?
I let out a slow exhale, relaxing my body out from its fetal position. It isn’t for all of humanity; after all, didn’t they say that our country is the only one that utilizes Life Chips?
They could have been lying to you. Maybe they would have said anything to get you on their side.
That is certainly a possibility, but as I think about it I realize that I don’t know
anything
about the world outside our country. Even Harrison, with his vast knowledge of the Old World, has never mentioned any facts about other people on the planet. We know plenty about the past, but how much do we really know about the present?
This realization shocks me, and I sit up. I look over at the computer sitting on my desk, and in a few moments I’m across the room. It turns on automatically. The glare from the hovering display hurts my eyes, and I squint against the sudden brightness. When I can see again, I begin my search.
I find a variety of articles discussing life in our nation. There is an endless amount of information on all sorts of subjects. There are serious political pieces, soft human interest stories, and instructional articles and videos on anything an individual could want to learn.
But as I search I realize something. While some of the writing makes references to other countries, there is no information about the countries themselves. I even try searching for other countries specifically, but all that comes back are snippets that were mentioned in pieces regarding
us.
I lean back from my hologram screen, a growing wave of horror crawling its way up my spine.
How has no one noticed this? What could have happened to us that we became so ignorant about the world outside of ours? It’s not that the information is being actively blocked; it’s that there isn’t any information at
all
. And when the realization about our country’s collective ignorance hits me, I know in my gut that the Revolutionaries aren’t lying.
We’ve shut ourselves away, ignoring everything else in this world so we can have comfortable, limitless lives. But like Robin said, all we’ve done is put a coat of pretty paint on our own hell. Because the torture of pain Wishes Godparents have to endure, along with the suffering in the rest of the world that Darian showed me, proves that things have to change.
We can’t all have Life Chips because the planet can’t handle it. And we can’t let some people have them while others don’t, because that has led to immeasurable suffering.
I stare out the window of my room, the lights of the city burning against the night sky. And I realize that, as terrifying as it is, a few people
do
have to make the decision for the rest.
We need to get rid of the Life Chips.