Defensive (13 page)

I drove to Vanessa’s apartment, breaking every traffic law possible. I needed to know why she was with that asshole. He had cheated on her and broke her heart, repeatedly. I didn’t understand how she could be with him. She was usually so guarded and defensive; I never imagined she would forgive him.

As I turned off my car, my phone rang. Cynthia. I thought about ignoring it but she could’ve been calling about the baby. “Yeah?” I answered.

“Such a nice greeting.”

I sighed. “Sorry. I’m just a little busy. What’s up?”

“I’m sorry. I can call back later.”

“Are you sure? Is anything wrong?” I asked, praying nothing was.

“Nothing’s wrong. I was just going to work out some dates with you regarding appointments. Just call me when you’re free.”

“Okay, thanks. Bye.” I disconnected the call and took a deep breath. I needed to prepare myself for what I could possibly walk in on. Would I find them on the couch snuggled up together? What if I found them in the bedroom, kissing and having sex? I shook my head. Vanessa wouldn’t cheat on me. Deep down, I knew that.

I ran up the steps to her apartment and unlocked the door. I turned and there the asshole sat on her couch. “What in the hell are you doing here?” I yelled.

“I was just waiting on you.”

“Get the fuck out before I beat the shit out of you,” I roared.

“Calm down, Jackson!” I looked over to see Vanessa walking toward me.

“What the fuck is this asshole doing here? You told me you wouldn’t have anything to do with him again.”

“He’s here because he was helping me,” she said.

“Don’t you think he’s helped you enough over the years? I’m here to help you now.”

The asshole cleared his throat. “Look, I just stayed because I didn’t want her to be alone. She’ll explain everything.” He looked at Vanessa. “Do you want me to stay or go?”

“You can go. Thank you for everything tonight.”

“Okay,” he said, walking toward the door. He paused, looking at me. “Take care of her.”

“Oh, I will. Now, get the hell out.” I told him before returning my attention back to Vanessa. As soon as the door was shut, I lost my temper. “What part of me asking you not to see him again did you not get?” I asked.

Her eyes widened. “Don’t you ever talk to me like that again. I’m not a child. I’ll see and talk to whomever I want.”

“Why in the hell was he answering your phone tonight? I called wanting to talk to my girlfriend and her fucking ex-husband answers the phone and tells me she’s busy. What the hell? Care to explain?”

“You want to know? You really want to know?” she asked with an icy tone.

“Yeah, that’s why I asked,” I yelled, becoming more of a jerk with each passing second.

“While you were playing your precious game, I was at the hospital losing our baby,” she said as she began crying.

I took a sharp breath of air. What had she just said? Losing our baby? “Are you pregnant?” I asked.

“Not anymore. I lost the baby. Tonight.”

I felt like I had been punched in the gut. “How far along? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was around nine weeks. I didn’t tell you because I found out the same time you found out about your other child. How could I possibly tell you ‘Hey, I’m pregnant’ when you just told me you were having a child with another woman five minutes earlier?” She sat on the couch, wiping away her tears.

My heart was breaking for her. For
us.
But I still felt so much anger over Shane being with her and she wasn’t explaining that part to me. “When were you planning on telling me?” I asked. “And you still haven’t told me why Shane was with you. Why I found him on your couch.”

“I was planning on telling you this week, after I had seen a doctor,” she said as she started crying again. “I was terrified this would happen. I guess I was right.”

I wanted to comfort her but I was angry. She wasn’t answering my question about Shane. She was leaving me in the dark about too much. “Answer my question about Shane.”

She looked up at me. “Really? I just told you that I lost our baby and all you care about is why Shane was here? I guess it doesn’t really matter to you. You still get to have a baby.”

“What the fuck, Vanessa? I’d much rather have a baby with you than anybody else but I can’t change the fact that Cynthia’s pregnant. I’m devastated that we lost a child but I also just found out about the baby two minutes ago. Give me some credit and give me some time to think.”

“Whatever. Can you please just leave? I need to be by myself right now. I don’t need fighting with you on top of everything else that happened tonight.”

I stepped over to her, kneeling in front of her. “I’m sorry I’m being an asshole, okay? I’m really sorry that you had to go through this alone. I should have been there. Had I known you were pregnant, I would have taken care of you.”

She looked into my eyes. “Can you please go? Like I said, I need to be alone. I have a lot to think about.”

I placed a hand on her cheek. “No. I’m not going anywhere. We’re both mad but you just went through something traumatic and I’m not leaving you alone.”

“Please leave.”

“No. I’ll take a shower and I’ll sleep on the couch. I’m not leaving you.”

She huffed as she stood up. “Whatever, sleep on the couch,” she told me before walking to the bedroom.

I moved to sit on the couch. I couldn’t believe she had been pregnant and hadn’t told me. I could understand not telling me immediately but she had been given plenty of time. I would’ve been happy. Having a child with her would have been amazing.

A tear slipped out of my eye as I thought about her losing our child. I wish I could’ve been with her and gone through it together. Instead, she was with Shane. The thought made my anger spike while my heart broke for her. I walked slowly into her room after my shower and watched her sleep. She looked peaceful except that her eyebrows were furrowed. She was probably dreaming about the miscarriage or her jerk boyfriend yelling at her afterwards. I felt like a complete asshole.

I leaned down and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “I love you,” I whispered.

I went back to the couch and laid down, feeling heartbroken. I let the reality of what had happened sink in. She had gone through her second miscarriage; she was hurting and grieving while I played a stupid game.

Vanessa

I woke up the next morning with a huge headache and rolled over, staring at the ceiling. I could smell eggs and bacon.
What the hell?
I pushed the blanket off myself and stood up. Everything from the night before crashed in on me. Shane giving me back my grandmother’s ring, the miscarriage, and the fight with Jackson.

He must’ve stayed the night, though, because he was up and cooking me breakfast. I sat down again, trying to collect my thoughts. Last night, I’d decided that I had to end our relationship. I might not ever be able to carry a child to term, which meant that, if he stayed with me, we may never share a child. Eventually, he would want to make it work as a family with Cynthia and his child. He may not think that now but he would. Eventually. I knew that the longer our relationship went on, the harder it would be for me when he broke things off and ran to them. His family.

I took a deep breath and steeled myself for the fight I was about to have with Jackson.

As I walked down the short hallway, I could see him standing over the stove, watching the bacon cook, lost in his thoughts. He was only wearing his boxers and his chest looked even more amazing than I remembered. I’m sure it was because it was the last time I would get to see it up close.

I cleared my throat as I strolled up to the kitchen counter. “Why are you still here, cooking breakfast?” I asked.

He turned to face me. “I’m here because I didn’t want to leave you alone with everything that happened last night. I figured you might be hungry, so I made you something to eat.”

I really wanted to walk to him and have him wrap his arms around me. I couldn’t so I took another deep breath. “You should go.”

“No. You lost our baby. We should talk about that.” Of course he would think it was all my fault. Like I had a choice or like I’d done something to cause the miscarriage. My face must’ve paled. “No, Vanessa not like that. I know it wasn’t your fault. I just meant that you’re the one who went through it. It happened to your body and I wasn’t even there.”

“You need to leave. We have nothing to discuss. We’re done,” I said, backing away from him. I hoped he would just take it at that. I didn’t want to explain all of the reasons he was better off without me.

“Will you please quit being so defensive and just listen to me?” he pleaded, while turning the burner off.

“I’m not being defensive. You just don’t want to listen. We are done.”

“Done with this conversation or done as in our relationship?” he asked.

“Done as in our relationship.” I said in my bitchiest tone.

He stepped in front of me. So close that our chests were touching. “You don’t mean that. You’re hurting right now and lashing out.”

I guess he isn’t hurting?
“No. I’m not lashing out. I’m thinking really clearly right now. We. Are. Done. Now leave.” I bit out before walking to the door and opening it.

“Fine. You know how to reach me when you change your mind. I’ll be waiting,” he said before he slipped on his clothes and walked out the door, then down the steps. I closed the door, resting my head back on it. I sank down as the sobs took over. I cried harder than I had in my entire life. I cried for the loss of another child and for the loss of Jackson. I believed in my heart he was my soul mate, but when you love someone, you have to be selfless and let them go when it’s the best for them. It didn’t matter that my heart was splitting in two; what mattered was that he would be free to be happy. I had done the right thing.

I cried for what seemed like hours before I crawled to the couch and laid down. I didn’t want to move. Ever. My heart had walked out the door earlier and I couldn’t get it back. He’d always have it.

I heard my phone buzzing on the coffee table. I debated not answering it but, after what had happened last night, I knew Amanda would be checking on me. I’d rather talk to her on the phone than have her come over. I reached over and grabbed it. “Hello?” I tried to make it sound like I hadn’t been crying.

“I’m just checking on you,” Amanda offered as a greeting.

I cleared my throat. “I’m fine.”

“Don’t lie to me. Jackson called me. I know you broke up with him.”

“Why would he call you?” I asked.

“He’s worried about you. He sounded awful but he just kept saying that I needed to be there for you and make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m fine.”

“I’m coming over so you better answer the door.”

I rolled over and cleared my throat. “Really, I’m okay. You don’t need to come over.”

“I’m coming over. Bye.” She disconnected before I could object again. A part of me wanted her with me and another part wanted to be alone. In the end, it didn’t matter, though, because she was on her way over.

I got up and took a quick shower. Even thought I had showered last night, I still felt dirty from the hospital and I needed to wash all of my tears off. I felt slightly better when I got out, dressing in some yoga pants and a T-shirt. A few minutes later, Amanda was knocking on my door. As soon as I opened it, she wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug.

“I’m so sorry. I brought ice cream.”

“Is it from Braum’s?” I asked as I hugged her back.

“Don’t be silly. Of course it’s from Braum’s.” She told me as she released me. “You go sit down and I’ll get us some spoons.”

I sat down on the couch and waited for her. As soon as she came back, we popped the lid on the carton, sticking our spoons in. “Wanna talk or watch TV?” she asked.

“TV.”

“Okay. Let’s pick some really bad reality show.”

“Okay,” I agreed as I grabbed a blanket from the back of the couch to curl up in.

After watching a few hours of TV, Amanda turned to me. “So let’s talk. Why’d you break up with him?”

“It’s for his own good. He may not be able to see it now but he’ll thank me one day,” I said before putting a big bite of ice cream in my mouth.

“Please tell me how this is good for either one of you. He sounded awful on the phone.”

I swallowed the ice cream. “Because I’ll never be able to give him a family and one day he’s going to realize how much he wants that. He’ll eventually leave me for Cynthia, who can and
is
giving him a baby. I love him so much that I know the longer I hang onto the relationship, the harder it’ll be when he leaves. Might as well end it now.”

She threw her spoon down on the table. “I love you. You are my best friend in the world, but you are so dumb. You’re throwing away the best thing that has ever happened to you because you’re hurting and scared. You don’t know that you won’t be able to give him a child. I know several women who’ve had miscarriages and later went on to have multiple babies.”

“Well, I can’t be sure. It’s done anyway. I broke up with him and that’s that.”

“I’m here for you, but for the record, I think this is the dumbest thing you’ve ever done,” Amanda said.