Defining Love: Volume 3 (Defining Love #3) (14 page)

“I don’t want to bring children into this world,” she cried out.
“I can’t! If you’re going to leave me anyway, I may as well stay with Edi!”

“We don’t have to have children!” I practically yelled but didn’t
care who heard me anymore. “I said I hoped you’d change your mind someday. I
never say it’d be a deal breaker if you didn’t. As long as I have you, I can be
happy.
You’re
all I want, Henri. All I
need
.
You
. I’m
telling you, sweetheart. Please believe me. I’d never leave you! No matter—”

“I’m pregnant,” she said, stunning me silent. “And I’m
not
having it.”

She’d barely landed her right hook when she landed the left. I
didn’t even have a chance to let the first one sink in when the second one
knocked the wind out of me. It took me a moment to recover, but I finally did,
and my mind raced.

“Henri, you can’t—”

“I can and I will,” she said firmly.

I heard her sniff, but she wasn’t crying anymore. “We have to at
least talk about this,” I said, trying to remain calm. “I know you think—”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Aaron. My mind is made up. I know
how you feel about this, so I understand if you can’t forgive me.”

“I have a flight to California in a few hours. We’re gonna talk.”

“Unless you’re coming here to tell me that you support my
decision and you’ll love me as you always said you would—unconditionally—then .
. .” She paused when her voice broke, and I heard her whimper. “Then I don’t
want you to come. I don’t think I got any sleep last night, even as exhausted
as I was, because
this
was all I thought about. I love you, Aaron, with
all my heart, and if that means losing Edi, then it’s a sacrifice I’m willing
to make. I didn’t even realize that until last night. But this . . .” She took
a trembling breath. “This is one thing I
can’t
give into. I just can’t
do it. I’m sorry.”

I let her words sink in for a moment. I knew this was a decision
she’d made early on in her life, not one she’d come to overnight. I shouldn’t
be taking this so personally, but here was the love of my life, the girl I
considered to be my soul mate, someone who knew how strongly I felt about this,
telling me she was carrying our child. This baby was conceived by our love, and
she was telling me that, despite her knowing how strongly I felt about this,
she wasn’t even willing to discuss it.

It was painful. Beyond painful. More than anything it hurt like
hell that, regardless of how horrible she considered her parents to be, she’d
think for a moment our love could create a monster.

But she openly admitted she had issues she had no control over.
As much as I wanted to love her unconditionally, accept this was one of them,
this was something I just couldn’t come to terms with. So it appeared we were
at a stalemate.

“I’m sorry too,” I whispered, swallowing the painful emotion
back.

I heard her begin to cry softly just before I ended the call,
unable to so much as utter the word goodbye.

Chapter 23

Henri

Aaron never arrived that day as I’d held out hope he
might. My head knew he wouldn’t, but my heart never gave up, not even on the
following days when I didn’t hear from him nor did he respond to the texts
where I told him I loved him and was sorry.

I hadn’t heard from Edi in days either, and I felt completely
numb. Once again, I was all alone as I’d always known I’d end up. I had Gemma,
who spent all her time in that damn yard, and I’d begun to think maybe that was
my fate: to end up with Gemma for the rest of my life. Maybe I should embrace
being alone as she did rather than dwell on it. If Gemma loved her time alone
so much, maybe it wasn’t such a bad life.

It sure as hell beat the heartache of putting your heart out
there to friends and lovers only to have it crushed. As much as I tried to
cover up my screwed-up mind or pretend to be something I wasn’t, they’d
eventually see me for who I really was and leave.

It was zucchini and pumpkin planting season, and I was sitting
out back with Gemma, trying to get some fresh air so I could deal with the
morning sickness I was now plagued with. I’d just gotten back from washing my
face again after another session of violent heaving into the toilet when Gemma
looked up, shaking her head. “Well, it’s a good thing this will be all over in
a few days.”

I nodded, trying not to let on about the second-guessing I’d
begun to do in the last day or so. My entire life I’d been so convinced that
any child I ever gave birth to would be doomed to be a monster. But after
crying myself to sleep the last two nights in a row because I missed Aaron so
desperately, ironically, the only consolation I had was that I have a little
piece of him inside me—for now. A new sadness had begun to consume me. I knew
Aaron would never forgive me for doing this, and once I took care of this, I
wouldn’t even have that tiny consolation anymore.

“So, I take it this guy who knocked you up either doesn’t know
about the kid or doesn’t care, huh?”

Gemma had been her usual self when I told her I was pregnant. She
hadn’t asked much, especially when I told her I wasn’t keeping it. All she said
was she’d support me no matter what I decided but that keeping it
would
probably damper any plans I might have for my life. “Especially if the dad
ain’t gonna be around.”

I hadn’t said much else except that I’d be coming home after I
completed this semester. With Aaron out of my life, I didn’t see the point of being
so far away from the only family I had.

“He knows,” I said softly.

She looked up from where she sat on her knees working on her
garden. “Didn’t want it either, huh?”

“It’s not that this baby isn’t wanted,” I said a little too
defensively. “
I
just don’t want any kids. I never have.”

Her eyes widened. “That’s right. I remember you saying something
about that way back. Oh wow. I thought that was kid stuff. I didn’t think you
were really serious.”

“I am,” I said, moving my hand away from my belly where it had
been going in the last few days.

“Obviously,” she said, reaching for her bottled water and taking a
swig. She squinted as she twisted the cap back on the bottle and regarded me.
“Why was that again? I can’t remember what your reason was.”

“I’m just . . .” I shrugged, feeling silly now about something
I’d so firmly believed for years. “Given the fact that my parents were so
terrible at being parents, any kid I’d ever have wouldn’t stand a chance in
this world. Someone with genes like mine has no business having kids.”

It was half the truth. A part of me was afraid that by default
I’d be a terrible parent, but that’s not the main reason I’d always said I
wouldn’t have children. Only I couldn’t even bring myself to say it now: that
this child, conceived in love between Aaron and me could possibly be a monster.

“Hmm,” she said, thinking about that for a moment. “Not sure I
agree with you on that one. I think you’d make a great mom someday. For someone
who’s had it as bad as you, I’ve never met anyone so bright-eyed and full of
life.” She lifted a shoulder and dropped it, going back to her gardening.
“Maybe you’re just afraid because you’re so young and alone. Can’t blame you
there. That sure as heck would make it tough to be a parent. I think you’ll
think differently when the right guy comes along. If you really love him, the
idea of having his kid will probably excite you.”

The right guy.

My hand had traveled to my belly again as I’d listened to Gemma’s
comments. “I do really love him,” I whispered, staring out into space.

Having his baby inside me already was the only thing that numbed
the ache of not being with Aaron. Could a child of such an amazing man really
be that bad, even if part of me was in him?

“What was that?” Gemma asked.

I snapped out of my daze and turned to Gemma. “I said I really do
love him. The father of my baby,” I clarified, sitting up. “He’s wonderful and
he loves me too.”

I saw the confusion in her eyes as she squinted again. “But he
doesn’t want the baby?”

“He
does
,” I said as my heart thudded wildly.

Scooting to the edge of my chair, I froze. I felt as terrified as
I did hopeful. Was I actually considering this? Could I really do this? Should
I?

I squeezed my eyes shut, fearful of any visions I might suddenly
have of my parents, their vicious fights, the ugliness of the people I came
from, but I didn’t see any of that. All I could envision now was the amazing
man who had sat in the car with me just days ago, looking like someone straight
out of a magazine. The genuine tenderness in his eyes when he beamed at me so
full of love.
Real
love for
me
. He was there because he was
worried I might be upset over something so trivial as seeing a photo of his ex
kissing him.

Granted, I had begun to get upset, but that all seemed so
inconsequential now compared to what I’d done to him.

“So why—?”

“Oh, Gemma, I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life,” I said,
jumping out of my chair and pushing my fear away.

I rushed inside to where my phone was, grabbed it, and hit speed
dial, praying under my breath.

“I just wanna talk to you.”

The panicked way he answered his phone confused me.

“Huh?” I asked, looking down at the phone.

Had he called me or had I called him? The call said outgoing.

“I know you said you don’t even want to discuss—”

“No, I do! I do!” I said quickly, forgetting about my confusion.
“I’ve been so selfish and stupid, Aaron.”

My voice gave, and I could feel yet another rash of crying coming
on. I’d been sucking down Gatorades and frozen electrolyte pops for days.
Between all the crying and throwing up, it was the only thing that kept me from
having to be rushed back into the hospital, completely dehydrated.

“I think I can have this baby,” I said then corrected myself,
touching my belly again. “No, I know I can. I
want
this baby.”

“You do?” His voice was a near whisper.

“Yes, yes, I do!” I said, smiling even as I cried. “It’s the only
thing that’s gotten me through these last several days. I’ve missed you
terribly, baby, and knowing I had a little piece of you inside me is the only
thing that got me through the days and nights. I didn’t even realize it until
today. I’m miserable without you. I’ve been so incredibly weak and stupid.
Please forgive me, Aaron. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he said, his voice a little strained. “I’ve missed
you too. I don’t know how the hell I thought for even a minute that I could
live without you. I didn’t even last a few days and even those were torture.
I’m just glad this was so much easier than I was expecting.”

Again, I was confused, and I looked down at my phone.
I’d
called him. “What are you talking about? You knew I’d be calling you?”

“No, but isn’t that why you called me?”

I shook my head, feeling more confused than when I’d been in the
hospital. “What?”

“Because you saw me drive up outside?”

It took a second, but when it registered, I was practically
sprinting through the house. “You’re . . .”

The moment I saw him through the window outside on his phone, my
hand clasped over my mouth and I lost it. I practically crashed through the
front door and ran out to him. I jumped in his arms, sobbing, and then I realized
something. This was an absolute first for me. In all the crying I’d done in my
lifetime, this was the first time my hysterical tears were of pure joy. I knew
right then I’d never leave his side again.

Feeling his big strong body tremble with his own emotion as he
squeezed me tightly, I also felt something I’d never in my life felt before: the
absolute certainty that this man was my soul mate and I’d never have to live in
fear of him leaving me.

“I knew you were the one way back,” he whispered against my ear
then kissed the side of my face as he finally let my feet touch the ground.

I looked up at him as the tears continued to flow. “I can’t live
without you either. I wanna come home with you.”

He smiled, wiping my tears. “Sweetheart, when I jumped on that
plane, I’d made up my mind. If I couldn’t get you to come home with me, I was
staying here with you.”

“
Home
,” I said, unbelievably feeling even more emotional.

“Yeah, home.” He smiled that perfect smile that still made me
melt. “And I’m not talking about that apartment either. I’m talking about my
house.
Our
home.”

I brought his hand to my belly. He glanced down and then up at me
again, his brows pinching together as his red-rimmed eyes glistened. My own
emotion nearly strangled me as I felt his hand caress my flat belly ever so
gently. But for the first time ever, it was a good kind of strangling emotion.
I swallowed it back as my trembling lips prepared to repeat his words, and I
could barely wrap my mind around the fact that I was referring to the three of
us. My
family
now. “
Our
home.”

Epilogue

I closed the door to the bedroom as softly as I could,
tiptoeing away. Never say never.
Geez,
wasn’t that the truth? I stuck my
head in the girls’ room. “Can you girls
please
turn that down? I just
put the twins down for their nap. Took me forever.”

Cammy rolled her eyes playfully as Lauren leaned over her books
and pressed something on the speaker that sat on the nightstand.

“Look, Mom,” she said, lifting her tablet so I could see. “It’s
the dress I told you I want for the dance.”

I glanced at it then gave her a knowing look. “Did you talk to Dad
about that yet?”

Instantly, both my brace-faced daughters were rolling their eyes.
“Oh my God! It’s just a two-hour after-school dance. He probably won’t even be
home.”

“Doesn’t matter,” I said, walking in and getting a better look at
the dress. “It’s cute.” I smiled then lifted a brow. “But you still have to at
least talk to him about it, Lauren. We’ve been through this before.”

“
Mom
, he’s gonna want Jake and Justin there to walk us
home,” Cammy whined.

I turned to Cammy, the younger of the two. “You’re going too?”

“Yes.” She straightened out, lifting her little chin, hand on her
hip. “It’s not just for eighth graders. Seventh graders can go too.”

“Well then, you two are
really
gonna have to talk to Dad.”

They both groaned. “Okay, okay, we’ll tell him,” Lauren
grudgingly conceded. “But
please
no Jake and Justin.”

“Yes, Mom,” Cammy agreed immediately. “You know how they act.”

“They’re only doing what Dad asks them too.” I smirked as I
started out of their bedroom. “Looking out for their baby sisters.”

More groaning followed. I felt a little evil, but I couldn’t help
laughing. Jake and Justin weren’t nearly as overprotective as I knew Aaron
would want them to be. But they sure played their parts well and
loved
embarrassing their sisters every chance they got. So they laid it on real thick
whenever Aaron asked them to keep an eye out for them. I glanced out the back
window where Aaron and the boys were practicing their knots for the boys’ fire
explorer program. Both boys were nearly as tall as Aaron now, and as lanky as
those two were, they ate more than he did now. I could hardly believe they were
already fifteen. I smiled, watching them laugh with their dad. They were going
to be as handsome as he was once they filled out.

I’d long ago gotten over the guilt that I’d felt for too long of
ever thinking I might give birth to monsters. The only thing we were pretty
sure was passed down in my genes was the twin gene since they didn’t run in
Aaron’s family and we now had two sets.

I shook my head as I entered the kitchen. For someone who’d sworn
she’d never have kids, I had
six
now. After Cammy was born and we had a
set of twin boys and two girls so close in age who looked so much alike they
may as well be twins, we said we were done. Then ten years later, surprise! But
I couldn’t imagine my life now without any of them.

The boys rushed into the kitchen with their usual clamor. “Shh!”
I turned instantly. “Your brothers are asleep. If you wake them, you two are
keeping them busy while I make dinner.”

“I finally got the bowline knot down,” Justin said, putting his
arm around me and kissing the side of my head. “I’ll show you later.”

Jake was drinking orange juice straight out of the box. “That’s
good, Justin. I told you, you would.” I turned to his twin with a frown. “For
the hundredth time, Jake, use a glass.”

“Yeah, dude, and leave some for the rest of us,” Justin said,
reaching for the box of juice.

Aaron walked in, holding my phone. “It was beeping,” he said,
handing it to me, then pecked me on the lips.

“We’re having salmon for dinner,” I informed him, taking the
phone.

“Yes!” both the twins said at once.

“Make a lot, Mom,” Jake said, making me groan then laugh.

Aaron often said it felt as if he were working now just to feed
these two ponies. I glanced up from my phone as they pulled more and more stuff
out of the fridge. Looking down again, I saw I had a text from Edi then brought
my hand to my mouth and choked up instantly.

“Oh my God,” I gasped, going through the slideshow she’d sent.

I hadn’t even noticed the boys and Aaron were staring at me,
waiting to see what I was sniveling about. I shook my head, feeling silly and
wiping the tears off my cheek. “It’s from Edi,” I explained. “Breanne had the
baby.”

After going through all the photos of Edi looking so happy with
her new baby, I handed my phone to Aaron. The boys had already been hanging
over my shoulder, looking with me, but lost interest, going back to their
sandwich making.

I watched Aaron’s facial expressions as he perused the photos. He
smiled as he peered closely. For years, I’d given up hope that Edi and I would
ever rekindle any kind of friendship again. Once or twice a year in the
beginning, I’d get a text from her out of the blue that I could only imagine
she’d sent when she’d been drunk. Aaron had actually suggested I change my
number or block her because, even though I’d made such progress in my therapy
and dealing with all my issues, hearing from her did such a number on me. But I
refused to change it. I just couldn’t.

Even on our Disney trips we took every summer when we stayed with
Gemma for a little over a week, Edi had never bothered to stop by. I’d planned
on never telling Gemma about Edi and me. I figured she didn’t need to know,
especially since Edi and I didn’t even speak anymore. I just said we’d had a
falling out. But only a year after Lauren was born and I was pregnant yet again,
I got one of Gemma's snail mail letters where she said she’d taken the latest photos
I’d sent her of the kids over to Edi’s mom to show her. Edi didn’t live with
her parents anymore, but she happened to be there visiting and left abruptly
when Gemma told them why she was there. Edi hadn’t even wanted to see the
photos. Gemma said the conversation she and Magda had once Edi was gone was
“eye-opening.” I got the feeling she was upset she had to find out that way, so
I had no choice but to call her that night and explain it all. Of course, she’d
been completely non-judgmental about it and agreed I’d made the right choice
following my heart. I felt stupid about not having told her in the first place
but at the same time relieved that I didn’t have to lie anymore anytime the
subject of Edi came up again.

Aaron never actually said it, but I knew it’d been a weight off
his conscience when we heard just a few years after we got married that Mia was
marrying a successful dance choreographer and ironically moving to the Los Angeles
area.

My
conscience on the other hand hadn’t had it as easy.
Aaron had been spot on about hope being so impossible to kill, and I think I
would’ve held on forever to the hope that Edi would finally come around if she
never had. We were still friends on social media, so we each had a glimpse of each
other’s lives. Though I had my hands so full with babies and toddlers I had
zero time to even think about stalking her social media as I might’ve
otherwise.

I
was
happy when I started seeing her post photos of her
new girlfriend
finally
after years of nothing. As beautiful and popular
as Edi had always been, I was sure there was no shortage of girls in her life,
just none she considered significant enough to add to her profile.

It wasn’t until after I’d been married to Aaron for years that I
finally heard from Edi. It started slowly. I’d posted the pictures of our
latest addition to the family at the time, Cammy, and Edi commented to
congratulate me.

When she posted about her engagement to her girlfriend, I congratulated
her and so on. I truly was happy for her. For too long, I’d lived with the
guilt that she may never find happiness. For a long time, our relationship was
strictly through social media. I think we both thought it was safer to keep any
communication between us via a public platform. It ensured things couldn’t get
too personal. It stayed that way for
years,
but I was grateful to at
least have
something
. More than anything, I was so glad she seemed
genuinely happy. At least she did in all the photos she posted of her and
Breanne.

I actually cried tears of joy when I saw the photos of her
wedding. Her taking so long to find someone hadn’t been all about me as I’d
feared. Her career took up a lot of time. She was an orthopedic surgeon now,
but getting there had sucked up most of her free time.

It wasn’t even until after I had my surprise twins that she
actually
called
me. Hearing her voice had been emotional, but I was
long
past the struggle to accept that things between us would never be as they had been
once upon a time. It was just emotional as if I were hearing from a long lost
relative. She’d called to tell me that hearing about me being pregnant this
late in life again, even if at the time I was still only in my early thirties,
had inspired her, and she and Breanne decided to try and have a baby
biologically. They knew they wanted to have a family but had been struggling
with whether or not they should go through the process of having Edi’s eggs
harvested and inseminated in Breanne. This way even if both couldn’t be
biologically related they’d each play a major role in the pregnancy. They knew
it would take time and thought maybe they were too old to try.

Of course, I encouraged her to do it. Aaron was almost ten years
older than I was, though you couldn’t tell by looking at us. He’d always been
in such good physical shape. He was still so full of energy he hadn’t even
flinched when I laid the news on him that we were going to be parents yet
again.

The next time I heard from her over the phone was months later
when she called me in tears. The second try at in vitro hadn’t taken and she
was devastated. They’d really gotten their hopes up, but, as usual, she was
being the strong one and didn’t want Breanne to think she was losing hope.
She’d called me from her car because she needed someone to vent to before she
got home. I was heartbroken for her, but I did my best to console her and told
her she shouldn’t give up. They didn’t, and now almost three years later,
they’d just had baby number two. I couldn’t be happier for her. They were the
only times we’d talked in all the years since the last time I’d talked to her
in that hospital so many years ago. Realistically, I knew our relationship
would never be more than keeping in touch via social media and the occasional
photos we might text each other of our kids. But I was genuinely happy she
seemed as happy as I was.

I leaned in and saw the photo Aaron was currently on: a close up
of the baby wrapped up all cocoon-like in her hospital blanket. “Isn’t she beautiful?”

“Yeah, she is.” Aaron smiled, putting his arm around me. “Edi
looks real happy too.”

“Oh, I know she is.” I said, taking the phone back and staring at
the photo of Edi glowing as she held her toddler, who looked just like her, on
her lap and her newborn in her other arm.

I did a double take when I noticed my sons’ sandwiches. “You
can’t be serious,” I said, staring at their ridiculously stacked sandwiches.

“What?” Justin asked with actual confusion.

He looked down at his sandwich as Jake poured the mustard over
his mountain of cold cuts and what appeared to be three different slices of
cheese.

“How are you even gonna eat that?” I asked, staring at his food.
“You can’t open your mouth that wide.”

“Sure, I can,” he said, pressing down and squishing it all
together tightly.

I watched as they each poured themselves big glasses of milk,
grabbed a bag a chips, and started to head out of the kitchen.

“Ah uh.” I grabbed Jake by the shirt. “You two put all that away
before you leave this kitchen.”

“But what if I want another one?” Jake asked and my jaw dropped.

Aaron laughed. “Go ahead,” he said to the boys. “I got this. I’m
going to make me one. Those look good.”

“Ew!” Lauren said as she stepped into the kitchen, eyeing their
enormous sandwiches. “They’re really gonna eat all that meat?”

“That’s so gross,” Cammy added, walking in behind Lauren. “I
don’t even like cold cuts.”

“Look,” I said, showing them my phone. “My friend had her baby.”

The girls surveyed the photos, far more interested than the boys and
making all the normal silly coddling noises people usually do when looking at
baby photos. When they finished, Lauren handed me the phone. I noticed her
glancing out into the living room cautiously before eyeing Aaron, who was busy
making his sandwich, and then exchanging a nervous glance with Cammy.

I grabbed an apple and leaned back against the kitchen sink,
already grinning because I had a feeling what they were up to and knew this was
going to be fun.

“Daddy,” Lauren started.

“Um?” Aaron didn’t even glance up from the food he was preparing.

“There’s this dance at school in a couple of weeks.” Now she had Aaron’s
interest, his eyebrow already at attention. “It’s after school and only two
hours. Cammy and I wanna go—”

“Didn’t you just go to one?” Aaron asked. Then his face soured
further and he turned to Cammy. “You too? Aren’t you too young for school
dances?”

I laughed at the OMGs I knew he’d just unleashed.

“OMG!” Lauren said first. “That dance was like four months ago.”

“Oh my God, Daddy,” Cammy said, equally exasperated, crossing her
arms in front of her. “You keep forgetting I’m
twelve
now. Seventh
graders are allowed to go to these dances. Last time Lauren went you said I had
to wait until the next one.”

Aaron looked to me for help as the girls, whom he often referred
to as “little lawyers,” continued to plead their case. I shrugged with a smirk,
biting into my apple but offered no help. The girls hadn’t even been in there
fifteen minutes, and unbelievably, the boys were already back with empty plates
and cups.