Defining Love: Volume 3 (Defining Love #3) (10 page)

Chapter 19

Henri

I should’ve told him sooner. A part of me just wanted to believe
that like everything else in my life that had changed for the better this would
too. But hearing Edi say she wanted to leave, confirming what I’d always known
would happen, reminded me of the bitter truth—this was who I was and was doomed
to be forever.

“I’m never having kids,” I said, just spitting it out.

His expression was almost comical, but I couldn’t conjure up even
the tiniest of smiles.

“Okay,” he finally said. “How does that make you a horrible
person?”

“Look what I’ve done to Edi!” I said, the tears once again coming
en masse. “Only someone disgustingly selfish and horrible would do that. And
it’s
because
I’m a horrible person that I won’t ever bring a life into
this world. My parents were monsters, Aaron.”

I felt the bile rise in my throat just as I used to during those
therapy sessions so long ago: The only times I ever talked about this to
anyone. The only time I was forced to remember. But I had to tell him so that
he’d know and he could leave me already. I didn’t want to put myself through
the torment of waiting and wondering not
if
but
when
it would
happen. “My father beat and raped my mom in front of my sister and me. My mom
smoked weed and crack in front of us, and after my dad left, she brought her
johns home and got high with them too. She let them touch us sometimes if it
meant more money. That’s the blood that runs in my veins,” I said through my
teeth, slapping the veins in my arms as the anger rose in me. “The blood of those
two monsters. Two monsters who did those things to their innocent children and
thought nothing of just abandoning us. They knew they created more monsters
who’d someday grow up and be just like them. My sister already proved she, too,
was capable of abandoning the only person in her life who loved her
unconditionally then . . .”

I scrambled to get up and out of the car just in time to throw up
on the side of the street. I heaved even as I felt Aaron’s hand rub my back
gently. He handed me more tissue, and I wiped my mouth when I was finally done
dry heaving. I didn’t think I could cry anymore, but I did.

“I should’ve told you sooner.” I whimpered. “I’m sorry. I was
just hoping—”

He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly against his
chest, and kissed the top of my head.

“You should’ve,’ he whispered against the side of my head. “Not
for the reasons you think I should’ve known, but so that I can assure you I
don’t think you’re a monster, sweetheart. Not even close. I think maybe one day
you’ll change your mind about having kids because any child would be blessed to
have someone as wonderful as you as their mom. But if you don’t change your
mind, I’m still not going anywhere. I
promise
you this. Do you hear me?”

I took a deep breath, holding on to him for dear life because,
God,
I wanted to believe him.

He pulled away and held my face in his hands, searching my eyes
very seriously. “Do you believe me?”

“I want to,” I whispered still sniffling.

“I’ve been doing my best to try and be as understanding about
your relationship with Edi,” he explained, still searching my eyes. “I knew you
had it rough growing up, but, baby, I had no idea it was this bad.”

“Most of the time I don’t think about that part,” I said
anxiously. “I try not to harp about—”

“
Harp
?” his brows narrowed almost as if he were angry.
“You harp about a bet you lost or about your car breaking down, Henri. Talking
about this wouldn’t even be in the same category as harping. No one should ever
have to live through what you have, and if talking about the memories helps you
deal with the pent-up emotions and unfounded fears that you’re a horrible
person, then by all means, baby, let it out. No one’s going to accuse you of
harping
.
Least of all me.”

I hugged him again,
needing
to feel his arms around me. I
never wanted to feel like I needed Aaron. As I had with everyone else in my
life who’d left. I’d always known a boyfriend was different. People broke up
all the time. It was a real possibility that things between him and me wouldn’t
work out, and I didn’t want it to feel like the end of the world as it did when
my sister first left and now Edi.

I was beginning to wonder if I might not be losing my mind. My
screwed-up past was probably to blame, but my brain was wired so my thought
processes were so conflicting. I never wanted to be anyone’s needy girlfriend.
I’d become Edi’s only out of desperation because I needed to hold on to my best
friend—my sister—the only person who felt like family to me. The person who
would be there for me even after any breakups or divorces I might experience in
my life.

As understanding as Aaron was trying to be, I didn’t think he’d
ever understand that part. Even
I
didn’t understand why I needed her in
my life so badly. I knew Aaron would say that, aside from him, I had Gemma, but
that was different. I’d never felt a close connection with Gemma. I hadn’t even
told her about my relationship with Edi. I probably never would.

I looked up at him, drowning in guilt that I was actually
considering going back to California where I could at least be alone and try
and get through this in the only place I’d ever considered
home
.

“I think I may need the day off,” I said, finally able to calm my
pathetic blubbering down to an ugly snivel.

“Done,” he said without even thinking about it. “I’ll let
everyone know they have the day off.” He wiped the corner of my eyes gently
with the tip of his fingers. “But first let’s get some food in you—at least
some liquids before you get dehydrated.”

I knew trying to argue with him that he didn’t need to take the
day off and, worse, shut down his business for the day on account of me would
be pointless, but I tried anyway. He’d only had the new employees working for
him for a few weeks, but already he’d set up a group email, so he sent one off
just after we ordered breakfast at a local diner.

I didn’t have much of an appetite, but I was already feeling a
little dizzy, so I agreed to have the kids’ pancake special with a side of
fruit and some orange juice. It hit the spot, and I actually felt better by the
time I was finished. By the end of breakfast, we were in agreement that I
should go back to therapy at least for a little bit to help me deal with issues
that, evidently, I still needed work through. Aaron also made me promise I’d
never again refer to myself as a horrible person.

Tired of talking about Edi and my killjoy past, I changed the
subject as soon as we set foot in his bedroom and I saw the tux hanging on his
closet door. He’d mentioned last night that he was picking it up this morning.

“Nice,” I said, examining the expensive-looking charcoal grey tux
a little closer. I could already imagine how amazing he’d look in it. “I was
expecting black.”

“Everyone else will be in black, including the girls. Well,” he
said, slipping his arms around my waist from behind and kissing the side of my
neck, “except for Mia. She’ll be in a silver-grey dress to match me.”

I’d never felt jealous of Mia, especially once Aaron started
talking about his real feelings for her. I felt sorry for her actually. To love
a man like Aaron for so long only to lose him in the end had to be devastating.
Even back when I’d first seen her on New Year’s Eve or later when I began feeling
for him, I envied her maybe. She and Aaron seemed so perfect together, but I
was never jealous. I did have to admit now that the thought of how perfect
they’d look together at this wedding was a bit galling.

“Will this be the first time you’ve seen Mia since you broke up
with her?”

I shouldn’t have to ask. I knew it was. For some reason,
remembering how he’d gone to lunch with Luke to discuss the toast and hadn’t
mentioned it, I wondered now if maybe he’d run into her since and decided not
to mention it either. He’d told me all about the bachelor party he had last
week, even about the stripper he said he hired at the insistence of the rest of
the groomsmen, but he promised me I had nothing to worry about.

“Unless I know a girl is stripping for me and only me
ever
,
it sort of takes from the whole experience,” he’d said as he explained,
sounding completely sincere. “Especially when there’s a bunch of other horny
dudes in the room gawking. Trust me. Not my thing.”

I figured if he was honest enough to tell me about that, why
would he omit the fact that he’d run into her? So it almost felt silly asking.

“No, actually,” he said, and my head nearly jerked around to look
at him.

My reaction was so unexpected, even to myself, he pulled his head
back, looking as surprised as I felt. “I saw her this morning when I picked up
my tux. She was there, picking up her dress.”

“Did you talk to her?” I wasn’t mad just curious.

“Yeah, but it was tense,” he admitted as I turned completely to
face him. He brought his arms around my waist, pulling me to him again. “Mostly
just ‘hello, how are you doing,’ and then ‘bye.’ Very generic.”

The corner of his lip twitched as if he were thinking what I knew
he was thinking. I smirked, knowing my knee-jerk reaction to his initial
response came across as petty and jealous. But standing here in his arms now,
taking him in completely in all his glory along with his enthralling scent, I
actually felt sorry for Mia again. Ever since he’d hired on a new crew, he’d
taken to dressing more professionally than in his Ingham county sweats and snug
T-shirts. Not that he didn’t look amazing in even those, but he was absolutely
panty-droppingly sexy in his designer dress clothes. I liked to tease him and
say they were his
Boss
clothes.

Seeing him like this for what I’d assume now was the first time
since he’d broken her heart couldn’t have been painless for Mia. But I supposed
it was better than if the first time she saw him was when she had to meet him
at the back of the church tomorrow to accompany him down the aisle. She’d
likely been dreaming he’d walk her down the aisle for years, but not as her
ex-boyfriend who was now in love with someone else.

“What are you thinking, Henri?”

I lifted his tie playfully. “Well, just now, I was thinking about
how hard it must’ve been for Mia to see you today. But a few thoughts before
that I was thinking about how panty-droppingly sexy you look in your
Boss
clothes.”

His brows jumped instantly and he smiled. “After the morning you
had, I didn’t think you’d be doing any panty dropping today.”

He rubbed against me so I could see how he was already hard. I
giggled because we’d already discussed how
maddening
it was to him that
he was so powerless to control that around me. He confessed it’d been happening
long before he and I ever got together.

“But you know it always makes me feel better,” I teased.

Instantly, he lifted me in his arms. “Oh, I know what always
makes you feel better.”

Giggling in his arms as he rushed me through the house, I could
hardly believe what a turnaround my morning’s mood had done. Just a few hours
ago I’d been sobbing inconsolably; now here I was very likely seconds away from
having him inside me. But I wasn’t lying when I’d said this always made me feel
better. He hadn’t done anything to me yet, and already my body was alive with a
sudden rush of yearning and feeling so much better.

He walked me into the back room, the one that was once his
makeshift warehouse. We’d since redecorated it with a massive wrap-around sofa
and a huge television, and he’d bought a pool table. We’d gone shopping several
times, and he let me pick out lamps and some of the other decorations and wall
hangings in there.

The moment he put me down on the pool table I knew I was in for a
treat. This wasn’t the first time we’d occupied the pool table for this reason.
Within seconds, those panties were off and my skirt was up. He lifted my legs
over his shoulders and smiled at me with those smoldering eyes before diving
in. The touch of tongue to my already pulsating clit was always such a bolt of
lightning. I instantly arched my back in reaction and moaned.

Naively, I’d thought there was no way a guy could be as good as a
girl at this, but Aaron was
oh
so good at it. His tongue flicked and
licked up and down and all around in perfect rhythm as I squirmed and moaned,
feeling that familiar buildup.

My body trembled and Aaron slowed down. He always did as if he
wanted this to go on longer. Not only was he oh so good at it, he
really
enjoyed it and liked taking his time, but it drove me nuts. “Aaron,” I pleaded
as he backed off again just as I was getting ready to explode.

“Feeling better, baby?”

“Oh
God,
yes!”

I ran my fingers through his hair, grabbing chunks and holding on
as if my life depended on it just as it began to really build again. “Yes!” I
cried out, willing him not to stop, and he continued to flick that most perfect
spot with his tongue as he fucked me with two fingers. “Yes,
yes,
Aaron.
Oh my God, yes!”

The moment I felt the ecstasy of such an intense climax I cried
out, and he latched on, continuing to slide his fingers in and out. With my
entire body still trembling, he finally had mercy and unlatched his mouth from
my clit, kissing it one last time.

He leaned over and kissed me even as I tried catching my breath.
“Maybe we should spend the rest of the day making you feel better,” he
whispered against my lips.

I smiled back, gazing into those piercing dark eyes. “After what
I put you through this morning, I think it’s my turn to make
you
feel
better.”