Dial L for Loser (3 page)

“Um, she spelled your name wrong.” Kristen cackled.

“
So?
” Alicia glowered.

“Ehmagawd, Massie, look!” Dylan gasped.

Massie held her palm in front of Dylan’s face, ordering her to wait. She was in the middle of counting and didn’t want to lose her place. There was one sign for Alicia, three for Claire, and eighteen for her. Not bad. Of course, she’d be sure to tell her crush, Derrington, she’d had an even twenty-five.

“This is terrible,” Dylan whined.

“The worst!” Kristen agreed. “Don’t be so sensitive.” Massie put her arms around her friends. “Just because no one made signs with
your
names on them doesn’t mean—”

“No!” Dylan barked. “Look! By the bike racks.”

Massie steadied herself on the dust-covered VW.

Strawberry and Kori, Alicia’s ex-friends from dance class, hopped on their Bratz bikes and tore across the lawn. They pedaled like Lance Armstrong and rang their rusty bells, shouting, “Out with the old, in with Da Crew!”

“Who do they think they are?” Massie cried. “Do they seriously think
they
can start their own Pretty Committee?”

“Don’t they have to be
pretty
to do that?” Dylan scoffed.

“Are they really going to call it ‘Da Crew’?” Kristen winced.

“Looks like they have some competition,” said Claire.

Four petite blondes in matching yellow tennis dresses charged across the lawn waving flags that said
THE COUNTRY CLUB
tied to vintage wooden rackets.

“What makes them think we’re not coming back?” Massie shouted, forgetting they were on a stakeout.

Alicia stomped her foot. “My dad is so suing them.”

“Why isn’t Principal Burns breaking this up?” Massie searched the lawn. There wasn’t a single security guard out there.

“Doesn’t OCD encourage freedom of expression and the right to protest?” Claire asked.

Everyone stared.

“She’s right.” Kristen sighed. “It’s in the handbook. After we got expelled I read it cover-to-cover looking for a loophole.”

“Great,” Massie said to the tangled charm bracelet around her wrist. The thought of being replaced by Da Crew or the Country Club—after her lifelong struggle to become number one—made her quake. So what if eighteen girls wanted her back? Six didn’t, and if she didn’t do something soon—something to remind them how insanely fabulous she was—there would be more.

CURRENT STATE OF THE UNION

T
HE
B
LOCK
E
STATE

H
OME
S
PA
(O
LD
H
ORSE
S
HED
)

Thursday, March 5th

3:45 P.M.

Claire knelt on the sea-green tiles inside the Blocks’ hot tub, trying her hardest not to disturb Massie or Massie’s mother, Kendra, who had their backs pressed up against the bubbling jets and their eyes closed.

They were in the “wet section” of the elegant horse-shed-turned-spa: a marble oasis complete with steam room, sauna, and a walk-in-closet-size shower that had nozzles on every wall, so turning was an option, not a necessity. Tranquil New Age music played on a constant loop, and the calming smell of lavender soothed the senses. It used to be Claire’s favorite place to unwind after a long day of studying. But these days it was merely an inexpensive way to pass the time.

“Mom, how do you do it?” Massie exhaled slowly, her eyes still closed.

“Do what, dear?” Kendra gathered her shiny brown bob into a tiny ponytail and lowered her head. A string of medium-size black pearls was all she had on, while Claire and Massie opted for the red one-pieces they used to wear in swim class at OCD.

“Nothing.”

“Tell me, dear.” Kendra turned to face her daughter.

“I mean
nothing
.” Massie stomped her foot. “How do you do
nothing
all day? It’s so hard.”

Kendra rolled her thin neck from side to side. “Practice.”

Massie’s back stiffened. “Kuh-laire, don’t go telling everyone I said that.”

“I won’t.” Claire dunked her head and let out an under-water, “Yesss!” It was the first time Massie had admitted life without OCD was boring. Claire wasn’t the only school-loving freak after all.

Massie splashed her when she resurfaced. “Why are you smiling?”

“I’m not.” She grinned. But the truth was, being alone with Massie filled Claire with pure happiness. The instant the other girls left, it was like a director had yelled, “Cut!” They could stop acting cool and go back to being themselves: friends.

“Stop it!” a squeaky voice suddenly shouted. “No, don’t! Don’t! I’m serious!”

Kendra yanked her robe into the water, struggling to cover herself with a half-floating, half-sinking mass of white terry cloth. “Who’s there?”

“Oof!” Tiny Nathan, Todd Lyons’s pint-size partner in crime, practically flew through the beveled-glass door. “S-sorry.” He steadied himself. “Someone pushed me.” He giggled.

“Todd!” Massie and Claire shouted at the same time.

“Apple-C!” Claire whacked Massie’s bare arm.

“Nice one.” Massie chuckled.

“Thanks.”

“Todd.” Kendra inhaled, like she was gathering the strength to explain something complicated to him. “You boys need to get out of here. It’s girls only right now.”

His snicker was muffled by the gurgling jets.

“Todd!” Claire shouted.

“What? I didn’t do anything,” insisted the ten-year-old redhead.

“Did too!” Tiny Nathan’s narrow brown eyes were fixed on Kendra’s bare shoulders.

“Todd!”

“Okay, okay.” Todd stepped into the steamy room and grabbed Nathan’s frail arm. His entire face and body were covered in temporary tattoos—hearts, moons, dice, devils, barnyard animals, and busty fifties-style pinup girls. It looked like he had fallen asleep on an open comic book and rolled over twice.

“Ignore it,” Claire muttered to Massie and Kendra. They quickly turned away to avoid laughing.

“Let’s go.” Todd tugged Tiny Nathan’s X-Men sweatshirt. “They’re boring.”

“Yeah,” Nathan squeaked.

The second they were gone, Kendra hoisted her soaked robe out of the tub and slapped the sopping heap of terry cloth onto the marble floor. “Ahhhhhhh.” She let out a cleansing sigh and closed her eyes.

“Nice butts!” the boys shouted from the doorway.

“Todd!” Claire smacked the bubbling water.

The boys burst out laughing as they scurried outside.

“Did he lose a bet?” Massie asked, referring to Todd’s body art.

“He’s trying to get expelled from Briarwood.” Claire crossed her eyes for a second. “He thinks we have it made right now.”

“Oh, your poor mother.” Kendra tapped her heart.

Massie touched the back of her head, checking the pins that held her extensions out of the chlorinated water. “Did he get in trouble?”

“Nope.” Claire grinned. “Headmaster Adams is making him wear them to the St. Patrick’s Day dance as his punishment.”

“No way…” Massie’s voice trailed off. “Funny.”

Claire lowered her head and examined her pruning fingertips. “It’s so stupid.”

“What?” Massie rolled onto her stomach and kicked. “That we’re banned from Briarwood?”

“Yeah.” Claire nodded, loving when their minds were in sync.

“It makes sense to me.” Kendra hooked a finger around her pearls. “Briarwood is OCD’s brother school.”

“Well, it’s still stupid,” Massie insisted.

“Do you think Cam and Derrington will go to the St. Patrick’s Day dance without us?” Claire bit down on her already mangled thumbnail.

“I have to get out. I think I have heatstroke.” Massie stood up slowly and wrapped herself in a fluffy yellow towel.

Ever since she and Derrington had lip-kissed in Lake Placid, she refused to talk about him. Was it because she didn’t like him anymore, or because she was afraid he didn’t like her? Claire was about to ask when Massie’s ringing phone, which sounded exactly like Bean’s bark, interrupted.

Yap-yap-yap…

Yap-yap-yap…

Massie reached for her purple-crystal-covered Motorola and flipped it open. “Hello? Yeah, I’ll hold.”

“Who is it?” Claire mouthed, praying it was Derrington. Because if it was, there was a good chance Cam would be with him. She fluffed her embarrassingly short bangs to make sure they hadn’t split into an upside-down V.

“It’s Dylan.” Massie sighed.

An electronic voice came from Claire’s cell.
Pick up the phone.… Pick up the phone.…

Now
she
was ringing. Claire raised her hand out of the hot tub and patted the marble floor until she found her scratched Nokia.

Pick up the phone.… Pick—

“Hello?”

“Claire, it’s Dylan.”

“Hey.”

“Massie, Alicia, Kristen, are you all on?” Dylan asked.

“Yup,” they said at slightly different times.

“Gawd, these five-way calls are complicated.” Dylan chomped down on what sounded like a handful of broken glass.

“Ew, what is that?” Massie stuck out her tongue like it was covered in dog food.

Claire covered her cell phone so the others wouldn’t hear her giggling.

“Sorry.” Dylan chewed. “I just ate a handful of bran flakes. I started my bran-only diet today.”

A mischievous smile formed across Massie’s face. “Do you want to borrow my knife?”

“Huh?” Dylan swallowed. “Why?”

“To help you cut the cheese!”

While everyone laughed, Massie opened the sliding glass door and entered the “dry section”: a log-cabin-inspired meditation room with a roaring fireplace, sheep-skin rugs, and wide leather club chairs draped in Ralph Lauren Navajo-style blankets.

Claire felt weird staying in the hot tub alone with naked Kendra, whose eyes were luckily still closed, and quickly hurried to join Massie.

“Are you sitting down?” Dylan asked.

“Yeah,” they answered.

“Hold on.” Alicia sounded out of breath. “Hold on.… Hold on.… Keep holding.… Okay. Sitting.”

“Is everyone sitting
now
?”

“
Yes!
”

“Cool, because you are going to pass out eleven times when you hear this.” Dylan was milking her good news like a Starbucks barista.

“
What?
” everyone shouted.

“Guess who is going to be on my mom’s show this Monday.” Dylan sounded like she was jogging. “Take a wild

guess.”

“Lohan?”

“No.”

“Simpson?”

“No.”

“Bloom?”

“No.”

“Hartnett?”

“No.”

“Beyoncé?”

“No.”

“Spears?”

“No.”

“Maddox?”

“No.”

“Zahara?”

“
No!
” Dylan cracked up.

“Who?” Alicia whined.

“Keep guessing.”

But it wasn’t that easy. Merri-Lee Marvil was the host of
The Daily Grind
, the highest-rated morning show in the country. She could have anyone, from the biggest A-list celebrity in Hollywood to a tabby cat that knit scarves for the homeless.

“Come awn.” Massie paced across the sheepskin rug. “It’ll take us all day to figure it out.”

“We’ve got nothing but time,” Kristen groaned, clearly over the whole expelled thing too.

“Fine, I’ll tell you.” Dylan chomped down on another handful of bran flakes. “Ready?”

“Yes!” they all shouted.

“Apple-C!” they shouted again.

“Do you want to hear or not?”

“Ehmagawd,” Massie giggle-yelled. “Tell us already.”

“AbbyBoydandHadleyDurk!”

“What?” Claire asked. She could have sworn Dylan said, “Abby Boyd and Hadley Durk.” But everyone knew that was impossible. They
hated
each other.

“Abby Boyd and Hadley Durk will be on
The Daily Grind
to talk about their new movie,
Dial L for Loser
.”

Massie looked at Claire and screamed.

“What is it?” Kendra scrambled into the living room holding a yellow towel in front of her dripping body. “What happened? Is everyone okay?” Woozy from a sudden head rush, she grabbed the black granite mantle to steady herself.

“They never do interviews together.” Massie jumped on the leather club chair and started bouncing. “How did—”

“Wait, that’s not the best part,” Dylan interrupted.

“It gets better?” Alicia squealed.

“Yup.” Dylan sounded pleased with herself. She obviously liked being the one with all the information. “I have passes! We’regoingtomeetthem!”

“
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
” Massie screamed.

“Me too?” Claire asked.

“Do you still live in Massie’s guesthouse?” Dylan sounded like a nursery-school teacher.

“Uh-huh.” Claire avoided Massie’s amber eyes just in case the answer was—

“Then of course you too.”

“
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
” Massie and Claire screamed.

Kendra clutched her heart. “Hang up those phones right now before you give me a coronary.”

Claire immediately hit end.

“Call ya later.” Massie snapped her phone shut without question. She had been trying to stay on her mother’s good side ever since they got expelled, to avoid punishment. And, like all of her ploys, it was working.

“What’s going on?” Kendra poured a tall glass of cucumber water and sat on the arm of her daughter’s chair.

“Mom, you don’t understand. Abby Boyd and Hadley Durk are, like, the biggest teen celebrities in Hollywood. They’re in every magazine on the planet.” Massie paused, eyed Claire, and screamed. Claire screamed back, then they hugged.

Kendra fanned her cheeks with a copy of
Architectural Digest
. “What am I missing?”

“Abby and Hadley have been in a massive feud for over a year because Hadley thinks Abby hooked up with her boyfriend—correction,
ex-
boyfriend—the ah-dorable Palmer Dryden. This is their first interview together, ever! And we’re going!” Massie turned to Claire and shrieked. The two girls hugged again, as if hearing the news for the first time.