Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission (73 page)

I know that there are many hundreds of thousands [of people interested]. This is confirmed by the number of magazines that are published. There are mail-order businesses which cater to people with specific interests. For example,
The Transvestian
[a newspaper], may have 20,000 on their list for that publication alone. The [parent company] has two other publications, which may have [many] thousands more [apiece]. And that’s just one small aspect of fetishism: cross-dressing.

I have only met three men who could top me. It’s an intellectual meeting: If one cannot capture me intellectually, he certainly cannot capture me in any other way. It takes a unique individual, one with sensitivity. I myself was in biomedical electronics and instrumentation and teaching. I have made
some connections with different professions and different interests—that has been very interesting to me. I find that mathematicians and engineers, people who are very structured, tend to be very involved in bondage. I explored with a number of different people and found it rather laughable that these gentlemen who considered themselves dominants were not dominants at all—they were submissives! I found myself much more comfortable in the role of the dominant. That’s how it all started about 12 years ago. I’ve come a long way in a short time. But when I do something, I always do it wholeheartedly.

I’ve always been sensitive to other people: empathetic and sympathetic. As a result, I’ve learned a lot about myself in learning about others. After I became involved in the Scene, I began to recall situations that I had been in that made me terribly excited and that I had obviously repressed. As I was doing something to someone, I could remember feeling an emotional response to someone taking control. I’m such a controlling person. I recalled that years ago I had been in a sexual relationship with someone and he pinned my hands back behind my head. It was terribly thrilling for me because I trusted this man. He made me feel helpless, which is what all controlling people want.

I always want to learn more about people and to understand why they chose a particular fetish—how it turns them on or where it originated from. That’s interesting. I’ve always been very analytical about myself and have been through analysis, but I’ve probably learned more about other people than I have about myself.

In my speeches at the Dressing for Pleasure events, I ask people to be tolerant of others’ interests. Even within a particular fetish, you find people at opposite ends of the interest and critical of the others. For instance, we will have a table of people who are serious corset people. These people draw their waists in month by month, year by year, to smaller and smaller dimensions. They are very straight-laced. Then there are corset people who wear a corset for the fun or for the look of it—they might wear it over a garment—not to reduce the waist but to minimize the appearance of the waist.

[The issue of likes and dislikes] depends upon the individual. Everybody has his or her own fetish. If I’m turned on by the person, I’ll be turned on by his particular fetish.

[My businesses] grew by listening to what people wanted and needed. People wrote, and I would send a letter with my phone number. They would call and find a sympathetic ear. It seemed to mean so much to so many people. I was really impressed with people’s need to know that there was someone who was sincere about the Scene. For many publishers, this is strictly a business venture, rather than a personal thing. I was doing this because this was an interest of mine.

[A fetish] I would have guessed was small but which is quite large is adult babies. We cater to a number of them, because we sell plastic rompers to wear over diapers. We [were referred to] a man who has [an] adult-babies list, and we did a mailing to them; it was quite a large response. I find that many of the adult babies act like babies: They will call at 2:00
A.M
. and expect to be reprimanded. We had to turn off our phone system [late at night]. It’s not funny when you’re awakened in the middle of the night and get a call back immediately. This person really wants to be punished, and he’s acting like a baby!

Constance Enterprises started when I took a trip to England in September 1986 and attended a party with the publisher of
Skin Two
magazine. The magazine is beautifully composed—definitely a fetish magazine, but one both beautiful and intelligent, not like a lot of the sleaze that’s available. The publisher asked me to handle all the U.S. inquiries. I had just resigned from the company that I was running and was floundering as to what I was going to do next. I thought this magazine was something that I could be proud to identify with. I shipped
Skin Two
to those who had made inquiries. I also had the names of about 200 people I had met in the Scene. I handwrote these people that
Skin Two
was going to be available through me. I did all right: The 200 names multiplied.

[Slowly], we grew. Different magazines started to write articles about [us]; different organizations would find out about us and write to their memberships. And that’s how the mailing list increased—little by little, by word of mouth and publications that gave us free PR. Listening to what people wanted, I went out and sought other books, other magazines. Now we carry hundreds of magazines, books, and videos. I also hold the Dressing for Pleasure gala each year. As a result of that, I publish a magazine called
Dressing for Pleasure in America
, which is a documentary of the different events. I produce a video, too, containing interviews with people who are there.

[When I started the gala] it took a long time to find a hotel that would consider having such an event. Many hotels turned their noses up. I said it was going to be a proper event, a very upscale event. Certainly it would be an expensive event! It didn’t matter to them. But the Penta Hotel in New York was wonderful. The Penta is known as a fashion-industry hotel, and they welcomed me with open arms. They had a beautiful ballroom and wonderful runways, and they were very eager to have this be successful, which it was. So for the first three years I held it there. The Penta is very large, however, and attendees were embarrassed about riding the elevators with other guests, some of whom would laugh. I went to the Roosevelt Hotel in 1990 and everything went beautifully. Management invited me back before we left,
saying, “It was such a beautiful event; people were so well behaved. We would like you to do the show again next year at our hotel.” I thanked them but booked the New Jersey Meadowland Hilton [instead]. It is small, and we’ve taken the entire hotel. People don’t have to worry about outsiders looking at them and laughing, [or] children saying, “Mommy, Mommy, look!”

Dressing for Pleasure has grown to be a two-and-a-half-day event. We have a vendors’ boutique, a fashion show on Friday; a cocktail reception and a sit-down dinner followed by a dance on Saturday. There is also a Sunday brunch to give attendees the opportunity to exchange phone numbers and to see each other for one last farewell. In previous years we’ve had people from 22 states and many foreign countries: England, Holland, Germany, France, Switzerland, Saudi Arabia, New Zealand, Australia, [and] Italy. This year—1992—I expect 600 attendees. We also have various workshops. There will be one on chastity belts and a general lecture and demonstration on whip making. There will be a separate hands-on whip-making workshop. There’s going to be one on censorship led by an attorney. There will be workshops on latex, on fantasy outfits, on how to play sanely and safely, and on how to train a lady’s
sissy
maid. Another workshop is on corsetting and how to reduce your waist.

I opened the Dressing for Pleasure Showroom because people were constantly asking me to order clothing and specialty items for them. [In 1990], I finally rented a little office in Upper Montclair that I turned into a showroom. When I had the grand opening, we had hardly anything in the showroom. Now it’s so jam-packed you can hardly move. I have something for everyone. For example, Tollyboy chastity belts, from England, are exquisite. However, almost everything in England [dealing] with fetishes is a cottage industry. An order takes a minimum of six months. I knew a retired engineer who purchased these chastity belts for himself and his wife. When he discovered that, despite the accuracy of his measurements, his belt didn’t fit properly, he said, “I can do this!” I asked him to prove to me that he could make one, and he did. We now offer people the option of purchasing a belt from England or one that’s made in the United States. I’m always looking for good craftspeople who do quality work.

Is there S&M after 50? I have noticed that [the interest] stops in some women. I’ll give you an example: A gentleman contacted us a number of years ago. He said, “I heard from friends that you might be interested in having my bondage board. I can’t use it anymore.” Mutual friends had told me that one could walk into their house and see the wife shackled in the doorway. But his wife reached menopause and suddenly said, “I don’t want any of this around anymore. I’m not interested.” She also ceased being
interested in sex. So in many cases, what turned on an individual prior to menopause [may] turn them off after menopause because the whole body chemistry changes. That can come in one’s 40s, 50s, [or] 60s. It can also come in the 30s. It doesn’t happen with all people, but I’ve personally known three cases where it did. However, I also know people in their 70s who are still playing.

I [always] assumed that I was normal. From talking to other adults and particularly other women, I don’t think I was. A lot of people are taught D&S is evil. I missed that. My mom sent my brother and me to church so we would have the basis to know what was going on there. But as soon as I was old enough to say, “This is not really happening, Mom,” she said, “Fine.” My theory is that she sent us off to Sunday school so she and my dad could be alone on Sundays. She had no problem when I didn’t want to participate anymore. I do believe in my own personal god and in goodness, but I can’t believe that there could be a god who says, “This is not good.” How can something so pleasurable not be good? That never made sense to me.

I am a very sexual, sensual person. I’m very tactile, and that comes through in my sexuality. In S&M I’m generally submissive, but I do switch and top sometimes. I would say that my sexuality is my major interest in life. [Because my partner and I are retired], we devote an enormous amount of energy towards sexual playing. S&M for us is sex play; it doesn’t encompass our entire sexual life. It’s just one part of the spectrum. [Max and I] are visual artists, and that translates into sex. We try and create images. That’s one thing about S&M that appeals to us: It’s like roleplaying, like theater. If you’re not playing, you go to parties where you’re watching other people. You see what they’re doing, how they dress, the roles that they take on. It’s sexual theater for us.

I have always been in tune with my body. I can remember giving myself orgasms [at] maybe age five—definitely age six. I was always aware of this really pleasurable thing that I could do to myself [and] always very in tune with the pleasures of the body. Early in life I might have had some passive fantasies, where I would think of some man coming and taking me and doing things to me. Maybe that’s the root of some S&M stuff. [But] it was never someone whipping me or putting me in bondage. When I met my partner, he had interests in this and introduced me to it. Because I am quite open sexually—open to ideas, open to new things—I said, “Sure, I’ll try this.” His interests fit mine easily. I thought, This is fun! This is exciting! It’s something new. Yippee ki-yay!

After we’d been together for a while, he pointed out that he had rings on his bed and that he could tie me to them in compromising positions. I had no objections. There was a mental trippiness to the whole thing, to thinking, I can’t get away! But at the same time trusting the person you’re with and knowing that they’re not going to do anything that you would want to escape. There’s safety in it.

When I first got into this relationship, I’d never really explored things in an anal sort of way, and my partner taught me about that. I learned that I can have anal orgasms as well as vaginal orgasms, so that was pretty neat. I have [also] tried some pee-hole playing; it was interesting that there’s actually another area for orgasming. Once again, I thought, Ooh, there is a new frontier, after all. Just when you think you’ve learned it all, there’s just one more thing.

I like to dance an awful lot. That’s part of where these different images come through me, these different personae. I dance for my partner. I become these different people. I dance to arouse. I strip. It’s not the traditional burlesque—“Okay, it’s comin’ off now, watch out!” It’s not like that. It becomes very erotic. I lose myself in the dance. I become the music; it [surges] through me and I move. When I think fetishes, I think [of] somebody [who] likes shoes. [So] I don’t know that it’s a traditional fetish, but for me, [it’s] probably my most favorite activity. [Maybe] I’ve come up with something new. New and unusual, that’s what I like.

We get into dressing. I have quite a collection of things—not just S&M—but a whole range of things that I like to [wear]. I try and run the gamut as much as I can. I even have wigs that I wear, or hats to hide my hair completely. I’ll look through my closet of massive amounts of clothes, which I pick up here and there—from designer things to Goodwill shopping—and at that moment I start feeling what I want to be. I’ll pull out a piece here and a piece there. I do my makeup differently. I might take an hour getting myself together.

My lover built a secret room in our house for us to play in: It’s all black padded-leather walls, leather ceiling, and the leather panels on the wall are mixed in with mirrors, and the door is a sliding mirror. When you’re in there and close the door, you don’t really see a door. You go into what I think of as a magical place. After I’m all ready, I’ll call downstairs and I’ll hide from him. I’ll tell him to go into the room and wait for me. I’ll already have music on from this great little stereo system in there, and I’ll have my remote control. I’ll tell him to go and sit down on the cushion, and then I go in. I tell him to close his eyes, and I’ll get into a position that I want him to open his eyes to. This is where the artist part comes in: from having been a photographer, I think of angle. I’m not just up there dancing. I start the
music, tell him to open his eyes, and stand still for him to look at me. I become an object for him. I’ve heard women say, “I’m not an object; I’m your love,” but I don’t want to be his love at that moment. I want to be this object that he can look at and evaluate and desire. I start moving; we have black ropes that hang from the ceiling of the room, and I start working with them. I wrap them around my arms [and] work them into looking like bondage. There’s some that I’ll reach, and I’ll wrap them around my neck, like I’m there as a slave for him. Eventually my clothes start coming off. There are ropes hanging from the ceiling above him; I can suspend myself so I’m over him and he can get to parts of my body. I tease him, getting close, pulling away. I can dance for two or three hours. I become a sweaty bit of flesh. It’s a turn-on to see a wet body. It is very, very intense, and I lose myself in it. My mind goes on vacation; I become my body. I don’t fantasize: I feel my body. I feel what’s happening to it.