Diva Diaries (26 page)

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Authors: Janine A. Morris

BOOK: Diva Diaries
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53
Fantasy World
“
H
ow is this an open relationship, when you're constantly lying to me? How am I supposed to trust you, when I constantly catch you in lie after lie?” Dakota was in the process of arguing with Tony once again. “You have to know that I don't believe that shit deep down.”
Last night Tony had gone to a charity event, where he was being given an award for his role in the community. Tony was born and raised in Brooklyn, so his status as an ex-pro football player was a big deal at home. So although he was becoming a mogul in the music business, Tony still had to attend different athletic events. Also just as weird, even though he now owned houses in the suburbs and was living the good life and barely went to Brooklyn, the borough was always showing him affection. This event was to honor how kids in Brooklyn looked up to him, and to announce the start of a scholarship in his name for Brooklyn students.
A few of his old NFL teammates were supposed to attend as well as some executives from the league, other teams, and local companies. Dakota wanted to go with Tony when she first heard about it. Tony's excuse for not taking her was that he would be the center of attention and didn't want her to feel neglected. Dakota had been out several times at events with Tony, and he
was
the center of attention, so she wasn't buying that. He said since he had to sit at the table on the stage, it made no sense for her to sit at a table by herself. Dakota didn't feel like arguing, and definitely didn't want to feel like she was begging to go, so she left it alone.
In her mind, Dakota thought it was because he might be bringing his daughter's mother and didn't want to tell her. She decided not to make a big deal out of it and wait to see what happened when she saw the press coverage. She was all prepared for an argument over that, but not this. A friend of Dakota's told her that she saw Tony leave the event with two girls, one on each arm. Dakota was just appalled that Tony was still out there behaving that way. He tried to deny that was what it was for; he said they were just associates and that they were all going out to dinner.
“Dakota, why you are you tripping like that?” Tony asked.
“Because you are constantly embarrassing me,” she answered.
“We are not a couple. We are not one-on-one—why would that embarrass you?”
“Because I bring you places with me, and people that see us together will laugh at me, or I'll look like I'm just one of your groupies because they are constantly seeing you out messing with other girls.”
“Dakota, obviously if I'm out with you at events, they should know you're more than that.”
“So I should feel special because you come places with me?” she asked.
“Don't put words in my mouth—all I'm saying is it's not that serious. I don't have any rings on my finger, but yet you be bugging like I'm cheating on you.”
“So should I just not expect any commitment from you whatsoever? I mean, damn,” Dakota said, getting frustrated.
“You should expect me to behave like a man that doesn't have a commitment to you.”
Dakota didn't say anything. What could she say? She knew the truth. He was right—she had no strings attached to him. She had just thought they'd gotten to a place where she could begin to expect stuff from him. It seemed like every time she thought they were closer to something more, he would just kindly, or not-so-kindly, remind her that they were not committed. It felt like he stuck a steak knife through her ego every time he had to say that. It was like his way of saying,
Don't get too excited with this here—we are just fucking
.
Dakota began to wonder that if time to time she was starting her own little fantasy by thinking they had become or would become more. Had she started to put Tony somewhere that he didn't want to be? The problem with that was, had she started to paint a picture to those around her that things weren't what they were? Then she realized that was why she was so embarrassed. It was because when she spoke about Tony, she spoke about him as if they had a more committed and respectful relationship, so she knew whenever he would be in public behaving like a single man, it would make her look like an idiot. That was obviously her own fault, but all she did was exaggerate the truth. She would just pretend he cared a little more than he did about the other guys she was dealing with, or like he was around more than he was, or like she had a sexy, successful man, which made her more of a diva than she really was.
What Dakota didn't bother to notice was that she was a diva without Tony. Dakota had got so caught up in how Tony made her look, in how impressed some of her friends and colleagues were by him. They were impressed that she was dating him, that she had him as a client—hell, they would have been impressed just because she knew him. She was supposed to be dealing with Tony for the same reason he was dealing with her; somewhere along the line, she lost focus.
She knew that Tony saw her change over time, but she figured if he really had a problem with it he would end things with her. He had to notice when they first started dealing with each other, Dakota was a smooth female who didn't resent anything he did. He could come and go as he pleased, and whenever he did come, he left pleased. They were just enjoying life and each other. There were no promises made, and at that point Dakota wasn't ready to make any, either. Over time things changed, and it was obvious every time Dakota had expectations, every time she complained, every time they argued.
Dakota figured it was an unspoken understanding. Did Tony really think that after all this time she wouldn't eventually want more than just some good pipe? It was almost impossible not to expect her to catch some feelings and want some respect. It wasn't like Tony didn't say things that implied they were more than just sexual partners; it wasn't until he wanted to be free that he would play the no-commitment card. Dakota just hated hearing it.
She let the argument die there, changing the topic to asking how the event was. That's what she discussed with him, but in her mind she was thinking about how she had to find a way to get her swagger back. She couldn't let Tony overshadow the diva that she was. She knew that was the reason why she bagged him in the first place— every man likes the secure, non-clingy girl. They like the girl that just wants to have fun, and that was Dakota before the fall. She had to climb her way back out so Tony wouldn't desire any woman but her.
54
Two Wrongs Make Us Even
“
H
ow mad could I be?” Chrasey asked herself. She was sitting there, trying to rationalize to herself the severity of the news she had gotten from Keith. He had cheated on her and the girl got pregnant. She had the baby almost a year ago. It was just crazy to her—she had no idea, and she was sure he had no intention of telling her any time in the near future.
He claimed he was using protection, but that was hard for her to believe. That whole excuse that the condom broke sounded too simple to Chrasey.
She had cursed him out real loud when she opened the door to leave so all of the co-workers and friends of that whore could hear her. Calling him all types of dogs, curse words, and small dicks, she stormed out, making a dramatic exit. She wasn't crying, though. She knew one of those secretaries was still friends with that bitch, and she refused to let her go back and tell her she was all up in his job crying. As soon as she got in her car, though, she broke down. She couldn't even pull out of the parking lot for half an hour. She called her mom, Jordan, Dakota, and Trevor. Trevor sounded really sorry to hear it. He told her if she wanted him to come over or she wanted to talk anytime, he would be there for her. Jordan was the one who finally coaxed her into calming down. Jordan told Chrasey she would meet her at Twenty-third and Seventh at a café so they could talk. Dakota was in a meeting for most of the morning, but she met up with them later. If it wasn't for them calming her down, she might have contemplated something really criminal.
 
 
After a few days had passed, she was looking at things a little differently. The reality was, what he did was inexcusable. However, it seemed from all his calls and voice mails that he was extremely sorry. Now that she knew, he seemed to feel a weight lifted. He had opened up more these past few days than he had in almost a year. He had left messages saying how much he loved her—he wanted to put all of their mistakes behind them and start over. They started young—maybe they both just lost sight of the big picture.
It was a hard thing to swallow. She had lived the past ten years trying to build a future with Keith, and just that fast he started one with some other woman. The cheating was one thing, but him having a child just negated everything they had together. This woman had the same thing they had. She couldn't even say that at least she still had the marriage, because they didn't have much of that these days, either.
She wanted to meet the woman, see what she looked like, see if she was at least better-looking than she or remotely worth all the drama she had caused. It finally explained his distance, and his inconsistency. He probably sat there on the couch for so many nights, not knowing what to do with himself. Keith told Chrasey on one of his phone messages that she wanted him to leave Chrasey and the kids, and he told her he wouldn't do that.
Chrasey didn't know what to believe anymore. Although he said he had spent the past month at his boy's crib, she knew he had spent several nights in Brooklyn with her and his daughter. The thought made her want to throw up. She thought of the few times they had had sex this past year. The times he would come home pretending to be the annoyed, mistreated husband, and he was leading another life.
She remembered she was, too. The whole dynamic had changed being that she had stepped outside of their marriage, too. What if he hadn't found out about Trevor? Since he had, he had Trevor as proof that she wasn't perfect.
We both made mistakes—we should just let it go
, she told herself.
Keith even said to her,
You and that boy slept together and what if you accidentally got pregnant—it's no different
. He was right. There was an instance or two where the condom was looking a little unsecured, and Chrasey was worried. She guessed that because she knew what that fear was like, she couldn't really point the finger too much because it came true for him.
She had always felt that two wrongs didn't make a right, but it damn sure made them even. Still, she had to admit that in this instance she didn't have much firm ground to stand on. She did have every right to divorce Keith and get half of his check and move on with Trevor. She didn't know what it was, but something in her told her that they should have another chance. She didn't want to throw their marriage away without trying. In reality, they both messed up and they deserved another chance at what they started on their wedding day. She figured instead of making the decision herself, she would let time tell.
She knew Keith had been feeling it. He had told everybody about what she had done, and she made sure she told everybody what he had done. She tried to tell his mother and siblings before that he was up to no good, but he was trying to cry innocent. He was trying to paint Chrasey as the bad guy. Now that she was able to tell them the truth, they had been badgering and scolding him ever since. One of his brothers even called to apologize on his behalf and begged her to let Keith come back home.
She had made Keith suffer enough. She didn't get the feeling that he needed to feel more pain from what he did. She was sure he had been feeling that for over a year now. The secrets and the fear had to be stressful. Then finding out about Trevor, and her scene at his office. She figured it was probably a good time for her and Keith to iron out the rest of their problems. So she went ahead and put him out of his misery, and told him he could come back home.
55
Broken-Hearted
J
ordan wasn't sure if this was just her way of mending her own heart, but she knew things weren't quite right. In all her years, she'd never had to be alone. Even when she was single as a teenager, she always had some form of male companionship. She had males who were close friends of hers, so even when she was in between relationships, she had a male friend to fill that void. A guy to bring along when the girls were hanging with their boyfriends. She was sure if she went to a psychologist they could diagnose what this meant in her life, but the fact still remained this is what she had become used to.
Things were feeling very strange between Jordan and Jayon. For the most part they hadn't addressed it, but it was very obvious that things were getting risky. Jayon sensed it, and he, too, wanted to steer away from it before they ended up on an emotional roller coaster. He had told her at one point since they had started to spend so much time together, that they should be very careful and take things very slow. There were nights when she was tempted to experience just one night with him—she knew that would be all it took to help get her mind off Omar and ease some of her pain. Jayon didn't want any part of that, though. He didn't want to be that much of a friend and then she and Omar would work things out and things between him and Jordan would never be the same. Even worse, she would probably confess to Omar and then he and Omar would have some serious issues between the two of them. So, although Jayon was trying to be a friend, he had become the sensible one in this.
Jordan knew he was right. So, time after time when she felt the urge she, too, would ignore it. Jordan had a tendency to be spiteful, and she knew if she took it there, she would be making Omar pay for his heartless behavior. Although the thought was nice, Jordan wasn't emotionally or mentally ready to go that far. Just being around Jayon outside of the work environment was enough. One night they were in the conference room at their office, working and eating some McDonald's. Jayon let out a sigh of frustration because of the taxes he was working on. Jordan got up from her chair and started to give him a neck massage. As she rubbed and squeezed, she could feel his body give in to the pleasure. After she felt him completely relax, she bent over and gave him a kiss on the forehead.
“If you want revenge sex, you have to get it somewhere else,” Jayon said with his eyes closed.
Jordan could tell he was joking, but she also knew in these moments it crossed both of their minds. She wasn't sure if it was just spite, or if she was starting to catch feelings for Jayon. She was sure that her appreciation for him was magnified, being that with Omar acting a fool, she could use as much loving companionship as possible.
There were times Jayon would try to convince Jordan something was disrespectful to Omar, and he didn't know if it was a good idea. This would only make Jordan angry—that was part of the reason she would want to do these things. One time she wanted Jayon to go on a business trip with her for the weekend, and Jayon was doubtful at first. He eventually did go after Jordan reminded him she was a grown woman and wasn't going to live on some pretense of marriage. She had no clue what her husband was up to, or what or who he was doing. Her own thoughts of the things Omar could be doing made her want to do that much more that was wrong.
One night they were in the room at the hotel, and they were lying in Jayon's bed watching television. After half an hour or so, there was some slight rubbing and caressing. At some point their lips met and they started a gentle and nervous kiss. Jordan's hand had made its way toward Jayon's lower region, and Jayon's was on her breasts. They were moving very slow and soft, but they definitely had the same thing in mind. Moments into it, after their hormones were alert, Jayon's cell phone rang. Jordan sat up while Jayon answered the phone. Even though she was enjoying it, Jordan's first thought was that the phone call was a sign that they shouldn't be doing this.
As soon as Jayon got off the phone, he said, “Thank goodness my brother called—he just saved your marriage.”
“You're more concerned about him than you are me,” Jordan said, frustrated at his mention of her marriage. She had been trying to keep that off of her mind to prevent an emotional breakdown.
“Jordan, I
am
thinking of you, keeping you from having regrets. I am not your revenge sex. I want you, too, Jordan, but I love you too much to do this for all the wrong reasons.”
It was those times that she knew Jayon knew her better than she knew herself, and he loved her more than she ever gave him credit for. She knew she could say the right thing to Jayon to get him to go through with it—she just wasn't ready to say those things yet. One of the things he wanted to hear or be sure of is that she was sure. That she was sure there was no turning back with Omar, and that the decision was based on her marriage and had nothing to do with him. She couldn't tell him that, though. As much as she wanted to believe she was mad enough, she knew a part of her wanted Omar to come home.
That was a couple of weeks ago, but on this night she sat on the edge on her bed, allowing her brain to scan through the past few months of events. She knew it was only a matter of time before there would be no turning back in her marriage. She had tried to talk to Omar about their current state, but he was still missing in action. Omar was a prideful and stubborn man when he wanted to be, so getting him to break was harder than her bar exam.
She decided to give it another try. Jayon was becoming a serious problem for her, and before things got too crazy she wanted to give Omar another chance to come to his senses. Maybe he would come around and save their marriage, and save her from herself before she completely gave in to her temptations with Jayon.
She picked up the phone and started to dial Omar's number, but after the fourth digit she hung up. She didn't know if she was afraid of the rejection or that he might agree to try to work things out and she wouldn't have a chance to see where things would go with Jayon.
She picked the phone back up and dialed Omar's number again. This time it rang until it reached his voice mail. As usual, he was ignoring her call.
“Omar, I know you're probably not going to call me back, but I wanted to let you know one more time I really think we should talk before this gets worse or it's too late to fix things ... call me. I love you.”

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