Divine Misfortune (2010) (18 page)

Syph’s divine wrath battered against Lucky’s affections with the effectiveness of a rubber ball thrown against a mountain.
Sensing all her power metaphorically rolling limply to her feet, Syph ground her fangs.

The fangs were new.

“Well, this has been a barrel of laughs,” Janet said, oblivious to the dark powers being focused against her. “But you should
probably leave now.”

The goddess burned, but Lucky’s power kept her from mussing a single hair on Janet’s head. It also prevented any changes in
her apartment. Anything that would cause the slightest discomfort to this mortal trollop was held in check. The moods and
desires of gods reached out to affect their environments, but Syph’s were bottled up by Lucky’s superior power. Her jealousy
and anger built up inside her in the form of godly constipation. The tightness in her guts put her in a worse mood, which
triggered more rage, which continued to build up in a nasty cycle.

The most irksome detail was the bizarre revelation that Lucky must really care for Janet. Syph could feel the fortress of
divine protection built from Lucky’s affections. And as long as that was in place, there was nothing Syph could do to Janet.

“The door is this way,” said Janet, without fear of the raging goddess.

Syph fantasized about pouncing on Janet and strangling the life from this mortal the old-fashioned way. But she hadn’t fallen
that far yet, and direct smiting of that sort was prohibited in this day and age. Divine Affairs allowed her to ruin one mortal
life at a time as long as she did so subtly. Bashing mortals over the head with her own hands, even if it was justified, would
have consequences that even a fallen goddess should consider.

Syph had to leave this stifling apartment before all her bound-up wrath caused her to implode. She knew she wouldn’t explode
because that would make a terrible mess, and Lucky’s protection would never allow that.

“I’m glad we had this little talk,” said Janet as she showed Syph out. “I’ll let Lucky know you dropped by.”

She slammed the door before Syph could say anything else.

Syph’s power surged outward. The earth rumbled. The sky darkened. Burning hail pelted the ground, setting the plants ablaze
and scorching the grass. The foundation of a neighboring building in the complex collapsed, causing the structure to lean
dangerously close to toppling.

None of these manifestations had any effect on Janet’s building. And though the sidewalk was broken and shattered, Syph was
certain that Janet hadn’t felt so much as a tremor while nestled in her sanctuary.

It wouldn’t last. Lucky was a god, and the affections of the gods were fleeting. When Lucky finally grew bored with her, she
would be vulnerable. Of course, then Syph’s jealousy would be meaningless, but she would still smite this arrogant mortal
when that day came.

Syph was about to transmute into a molting dove and fly away when she sensed something, a disturbance in the metaphysical
ether. She followed it to its source, a woman banging on an apartment door.

“Come on, Scott! I know you’re home! I just want my DVD player! It’s mine! You know it’s mine!”

Syph observed the woman for a few moments as she kicked the door and unleashed a torrent of vulgarities. Eventually, she smacked
her head against the door and grumbled.

“Excuse me,” said Syph, “but is something wrong?”

The woman turned around. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to cause a racket. It’s just that I broke up with this asshole a few weeks
ago. Well, he broke up with me…” She shrugged. “Never mind. I’m sure you don’t care.”

“Actually,” said Syph, “I do care. Perhaps you’d like to tell me about it.”

The woman hesitated. “I don’t know. I’m sure you mean well, but I’m not really looking for—”

“You’ve been wronged.”

“It’s just a DVD player,” said the woman.

“No, it isn’t. It’s the way he used you, the way he tossed you aside when he was done, the lies, the wasted time, the hundreds
of little concessions you made to make it work that didn’t make one bit of difference in the end except to make your life
harder.” Syph swallowed her own rage and forced a smile. “It’s
never just a
DVD player, is it?”

“No, I guess it isn’t.”

“I sense in you a lover wronged, a soul in need of divine aid. And I offer my services without obligation. Merely as a favor
from one wronged soul to another. I’m the goddess of heartbreak and tragedy. But why don’t you just call me Syph?”

“I’m Christine.”

They sat on the front steps, and Christine told her story. It wasn’t unique. She’d met a guy, dated awhile. Then he’d dumped
her. Syph knew that there was nothing tragic or noteworthy about Christine’s failed romance. That didn’t prevent the goddess
from empathizing.

“That’s it,” said Christine. “It wasn’t a big deal. Wasn’t like we were planning on getting married or anything. We weren’t
even very serious. All I want is my DVD player back. Is that too much to ask?”

“No, it isn’t.”

Syph approached the apartment door.

“It’s locked,” said Christine.

“No earthly lock can prevent the rightful wrath of the scorned lover.”

Syph could’ve blown the door off its hinges or evaporated it or something equally dramatic. But she went the subtle route
and turned the handle. The door opened.

Scott was in there, sitting on the couch, watching television. He looked up, potato chip crumbs nestled around the corner
of his mouth. Before he could speak, Syph waved her hands to silence him.

“Foolish mortal!” she bellowed loudly enough to shake the walls. “You have wronged this woman, and I come bearing justice
in her name and the name of all wronged lovers everywhere! Prepare to be cast into the pits of endless despair where unfathomable
horrors shall tear at your flesh and nibble at your genitals beyond the end of time!”

Syph felt invigorated, energized. This was what she was meant to do. She gestured and opened a tear in the time/space continuum.
The portal glowed bright green, putting a lime tint on everything in the apartment.

“And now… you…” She turned to Christine. “What was his name again?”

“Scott.”

“And now, Scott. For your transgressions against love, the most heinous and unforgivable act any mortal or god can perform,
I cast you into oblivion!”

Syph seized him by the T-shirt and dragged him to the portal. He was still too stunned to respond aside from gaping.

“Wait!” said Christine. “I didn’t think you were allowed to do things like this.”

“Technically, no,” said Syph. “But who is going to tell?”

“I didn’t want this.”

The goddess paused. “But he wronged you.”

“It was just a bad relationship. They happen all the time. Wasn’t even really a relationship.”

“But what about your DVD player?” asked Syph. “Doesn’t it make you mad?”

Christine said, “Well, yeah. It is
my
DVD player. But I don’t know if that warrants being thrown into Hell. Heck, it’s not even that good a DVD player. Sometimes,
it has trouble reading discs.”

“It’s true!” shouted Scott. “That thing is a piece of crap! Never worked right!”

Syph glared. The beasts in the pit howled for his blood.

“Okay, so I should’ve given it back,” he replied. “I’m sorry. I really am. And I’m sorry about that time I got drunk and made
out with your sister. Or that time I missed your birthday to go to Atlantic City with the guys so I lied and said my grandma
was sick and I needed to fly out of town to see her. And I know I shouldn’t have borrowed two hundred bucks for car repairs
when it was really to put the down payment on a big-screen TV, and I can’t blame you for hating me for that time I ran over
your mom’s cat and threw it in the garbage before anyone noticed, and—”

He paused to catch his breath.

“You didn’t know about any of that, did you?” he said.

“How long did you date this guy?” asked Syph.

“Three months,” replied Christine. “The sex was really good.”

Scott couldn’t suppress his satisfied grin.

“Toss him,” said Christine.

Syph threw Scott into the swirling vortex. It sealed shut with a satisfied shriek.

“Vengeance is served,” said Syph.

“Wait.” Christine went to the kitchen and grabbed something to drink. “I can’t do that. I can’t send him to Hell just because
he was a bad boyfriend.”

“But what about all his sins? Don’t you deserve vengeance?”

Christine shrugged. “I kind of knew he was a loser before we even started dating.”

“But you offered him love, the greatest gift in all of Heaven and Earth—”

“Actually, I never loved him. I’m not sure I even liked him.”

“But you could have,” said Syph. “You could have loved him if he had given you a chance.”

“Not really. I was just looking for a fling when we started dating. Kind of why I asked him out in the first place.”

Syph stammered.

“That DVD player is a piece of crap,” added Christine. “He can keep it.”

Syph snapped her fingers. The portal opened and spat Scott back into the apartment. He was battered, bruised, and scratched,
and his clothing was torn, but no serious injuries had taken place.

“You can destroy the TV,” said Christine to the disappointed goddess.

The television fell into the shrieking portal. The unknowable horrors were audibly disappointed not to have a soul to rend,
but they satisfied themselves by switching on a baseball game before the portal closed.

“Justice is served.” Syph leveled an accusing finger at Scott, who was too dazed to pay much attention. “May you learn the
errors of your ways, heartless mortal. Love is a blessing from above and any fool who spurns it shall face the wrath of the
heavens themselves.”

She filled the apartment with absolute silence as she stared deep into his eyes.

“Pray we do not meet again.”

Syph and Christine left the apartment.

“Thanks,” said Christine. “What do I owe you?”

“Oh, it was no problem. I couldn’t take anything.”

“I’ve never actually done this before. Is tipping allowed? Or is that frowned upon?”

“It’s not necessary.”

“I insist. Is five dollars okay?”

Christine handed Syph some cash. The second Syph touched the money, she sensed a surge in the cosmic balance. It wasn’t the
money itself, but the act of offering tribute. It had been centuries since Syph had been offered a willing tribute, ages since
she’d met a mortal who wasn’t unhappy to know her. She’d forgotten what it felt like.

That was the secret to a god’s power and why she was unable to harm Janet. Lucky was a minor god, but he did have his followers.
More than Syph had. It was all about tribute, and she couldn’t match his because she’d spent the past thousand years moping,
neglecting her followers.

No wonder Lucky didn’t respect her. She wasn’t much of a goddess at all anymore. Any god in the universe could thwart her
power.

“Oh,” Syph said to the departing Christine, “if later tonight you feel like pouring a bottle of wine down the sink in my name,
I wouldn’t complain.”

“Sure.”

“The good stuff,” added Syph. “Preferably something that doesn’t come in a box.”

“Okay.” Christine skipped away quickly.

Syph was in mid-transformation when Scott poked his head out of his apartment.

“Uh, excuse me.”

“Yes,” she replied coldly.

“You’re a goddess of scorned lovers?”

“More or less.”

He approached tentatively. “Do you help guys, too? Or do you strictly work for chicks?”

Syph pondered the question. She hadn’t thought about it.

“See, there was this chick named Stella,” he continued, “and she totally screwed me over. She keyed my car. And she faked
a pregnancy to get some extra bucks out of me. And she took my dog.”

“Your dog?” repeated Syph thoughtfully. “In all of Heaven and Earth, there is nothing so embodied of unconditional love as
that of our loyal canine companions.”

Scott perked up. “So you’ll do it? You’ll help me out?”

“I might.” Syph examined the crisp five-dollar bill in her hand. “It all depends on what you are willing to do for me.”

Teri and Phil weren’t happy to discover they were in the middle of an illegal holy war. They were even more upset to be informed
of this by a pair of Divine Affairs agents on their front lawn.

A gray sedan, an ambulance, and a police cruiser were parked outside their house. Curious neighbors gawked from their own
front porches or peeked out their windows. Neither Phil nor Teri was the kind to be overly concerned about their neighbors,
but it was a hell of a commotion. Especially the sedan and the two Divine Affairs agents who came with it. Divine Affairs
made people nervous, and rightfully so. Most gods played by the rules. But not every god. And the rogue gods were just as
dangerous as in the history books. Even a little bit more so since the hubris of mortals only made these untamed gods more
wrathful.

The agents operated in pairs, one mortal and one immortal. Agent Watson, the mortal, was a lanky man in standard Divine Affairs
gray. The immortal agent was a muse named Agent Melody. Her suit was bright purple and her every gesture seemed as if it should
have been set to music. Wagner would’ve been inspired to write a four-second symphony just by watching her remove a pen and
paper from her coat pocket.

Phil was slightly more artistic than his wife. Just enough that being near Agent Melody, he found himself distracted, composing
haikus in his head and having difficulty concentrating.

The ambulance sirens blared as it pulled away from the curb, taking the two failed assassins with it.

“How are they?” asked Teri.

Watson replied, “They seem to have suffered a total of five self-inflicted gunshot wounds. Also, one of them somehow managed
to burn himself on your stove and got a corkscrew stuck up his nose.”

Neither Teri nor Phil could remember ever even buying a corkscrew.

“According to the paramedics,” said Melody, “none of the injuries should be fatal.”