Divine Misfortune (2010) (26 page)

Worthington didn’t like this turn. Gorgoz wasn’t supposed to leave the basement. Of course, he could, but it was a habit Worthington
wanted to discourage. He preferred his god sitting on his divine ass, sucking up tribute and spitting out favor while watching
television and drinking beer.

“Phil, you made it.” Gorgoz smiled with menace. “Welcome to the cult. I know you’ll love it. Isn’t that right, Worthington?”

Worthington would also have preferred it if Gorgoz had refrained from using his name. He forced a smile. “Yes, Lord.”

Gorgoz took Phil by the shoulders. “Presenting yourself naked, eh? That’s classic, real humility. You could learn a thing
or two from this guy, Roger.”

“Yes, Master.”

He put his arm around Phil. “You’re shivering. Worthington, get him something to wear. One of those expensive robes you own
should do.”

“Yes, Master. Shall I bring it to the basement?”

“I don’t know if you noticed it or not, but it kind of smells in there. Why don’t you do your lord and master a favor and
spray some air freshener down there while Phil and I discuss things in the sitting room? We do have a sitting room, don’t
we?”

“I assume.”

“We’ll find it.” Gorgoz led Phil away.

“Don’t mind Roger,” said Gorgoz. “He’s a bit of a douche bag. Like most of my followers. That’s why I’m so excited to have
you on board. I was just going to eat you once you got here. Then I thought that would be too easy. Maybe I could abduct your
lovely wife and devour her while you watched.”

“But you said—”

“I lie. I do it all the time. But at least I’m honest about it. It’s amazing that mortals still follow me. Shows just how
idiotic they are. They only live a few measly decades, if they’re lucky, and yet most of them even screw up that meager portion
of time.”

Gorgoz chuckled.

“This is what I like about you, Phil. I can be honest with you. It’s refreshing, really.”

They walked down several hallways. Gorgoz paused at each door, opening as they went.

“Do you know what a sitting room looks like?” he asked. “Do you think this is what it would look like?”

Phil shrugged, having never seen one either.

They walked a few minutes more before Gorgoz settled on a room. “I guess this is close enough.” The room was decorated with
expensive furnishings. But every room had been so far. Several stuffed animal heads and an entire stuffed tiger, caught in
mid-leap, were the only noticeable difference.

Phil had a seat at Gorgoz’s urging. The god fumbled around in his robe, producing a cell phone. He pushed a few buttons. He
shouted into the cell.

“Worthington. We may or may not be in the sitting room. There’s a big stuffed moose head. Or is that a caribou? Phil, does
that look like a caribou to you?”

“Moose.”

“We’re in the moose room,” replied Gorgoz. “Bring the clothing here and a beer. Are you hungry, Phil? Can I get you anything?”

“No.”

“Are you sure? Roger can make you a sandwich. He has this Dijon mustard that is just fabulous.” He pursed his lips and made
a sucking sound. “Goes great on salami.”

“Thank you, I’m good.”

“I’ll take one,” said Gorgoz. “Y’know what? I think I’ll have him make two. Just in case.”

He placed his order with Worthington, then set the phone down, and sat across from Phil. Neither god nor mortal said anything
for about a minute. Phil sat slouched in a large chair, covering his groin with his hands, and avoiding looking at Gorgoz.

“I don’t think you ended the call,” said Phil.

“I’m pretty sure I did,” replied Gorgoz.

“Did you press the
END
button?” asked Phil in an apologetic tone.

“Which one is that?”

“The one that has
END
printed on it.”

Gorgoz picked up the phone and snarled at it. “Worthington, are you still there?”

He put the phone to his ear, then glared at it.

“Yes, Lord, I’m here,” replied Worthington.

Philip tried to help, even miming the gesture. “You just have to flip it—”

“Piece of crap.” Gorgoz chucked the phone into his mouth, chewed it with a victorious grin, and swallowed. “I prefer the good
ol’ days of scroll-bearing messenger. They were tastier.”

He chuckled, and his chuckle triggered some light nervous laughter from Phil.

“So what am I going to do with you?” asked Gorgoz.

Phil hesitated.

“I suppose I could corrupt you,” said the god. “That might be fun. I’ve never actually done that. My followers are usually
corrupt by the time they come to me. So tell me, Phil, what would it take to turn you to the dark side?”

Phil pretended to contemplate the question.

“Every mortal has their price,” said Gorgoz. “I can give you anything. Pleasures beyond your wildest imagination.”

A pair of femalelike creatures rose up behind Gorgoz’s chair and slinked toward Phil. They were red with black spots and large
blue eyes. One sat on his armrest and cupped his chin while the second walked behind Phil and massaged his shoulders. Though
the women were scantily clad and well-proportioned, they weren’t really human enough to instill thoughts of lust in Phil.
Their claws and hungry eyes didn’t help. And Gorgoz, leering like a twisted old man at a peep show, really killed the mood.

Gorgoz frowned. “What’s wrong, Phil? Don’t tell me you don’t like girls?” He leaned forward. “You’re not… like we used to
say in the… of a Spartan persuasion?”

Phil shook his head as much as he dared. He feared if he moved too suddenly one of the demon concubines would slit his throat
by instinct.

“Well, you must want something,” said Gorgoz. “Some twisted delight that you’ve never dared speak about.”

“Not really,” said Phil.

“There must be some enemy you want dead. Or some possession you covet.”

Phil thought about it. The only enemy he could think of was the god sitting right across from him. And the only possession
he wanted was his old god-free life.

Gorgoz sighed. The women transformed into a pair of speckled boa constrictors. They slithered across Phil’s shoulders and
lap.

“You think you’re a good person, don’t you, Phil?”

“I don’t know.” Phil hadn’t given it much thought up to this point.

“You aren’t. You’re simply unimaginative and frightened. Too stupid to know what you really want and too weak to take it even
if you did know.”

One of the snakes curled around Phil’s neck. Gorgoz narrowed his bulbous eyes and spoke through clenched teeth.

“You disgust me. You and every mortal like you.”

Phil gasped as the serpent coiled tighter. He could breathe, but just barely. Gorgoz, his hideous face a blank, watched in
silence as Phil choked for air as the snake slowly constricted.

The door opened, and Worthington entered with a robe and a tray of food. Gorgoz jumped to his feet and grabbed a sandwich.
“About time, Roger. What kept you?”

“I couldn’t remember which was the moose room, Master.”

Gorgoz popped open a beer and took a bite of his sandwich. “Phil, you gotta try this mustard. It’s fantastic!”

He glanced over at Phil, who was just starting to turn blue.

“Whoops.”

The snakes transformed into spotted tarantulas and skittered away.

“How embarrassing,” said Gorgoz. “Hate to kill him before I’ve had more fun with him.”

“Indeed,” said Worthington.

Gorgoz threw a robe to the wheezing Phil.

“Are you a betting man?” asked the chaos god.

Phil shook his head. “Not really.”

“Well, dammit, Phil. What vices do you have? You’re not giving me much to work with. How about a small wager anyway? If I
win, then someone dies. Not you, but someone precious to you. Your wife perhaps?”

“But—”

“Did I mention I’m a liar? But if you’re going to be such a prissy little spoilsport, I guess we could wager on your right
arm. If you win, you keep it. If I win…”

He snapped his fingers at Worthington.

“Fetch our game of Mouse Trap and be quick about it. And bring some of that spicy mustard back with you.”

Gorgoz licked his lips.

“Just in case.”

The first thing Janet did was give Teri a hug.

“I’m so sorry, hon.”

“Why are we still here?” Syph asked Bonnie. “I thought we were just going to drop her off.”

“We’ll find a way to fix this,” said Janet.

“He’s probably already dead,” remarked Syph. “Or worse.”

The mortals glared.

“What? I’m just saying what everyone is already thinking.”

“Being the goddess of heartbreak doesn’t give you the right to be an insensitive bitch,” said Bonnie.

“What about my sympathy? My revenge was ruined today. And I was really looking forward to it.”

The mortals went inside and shut the door on her.

Syph huffed, transformed into a rain cloud, and slipped under the door to follow. In cloud form, she hovered before Quetzalcoatl.

“Hello, Syph,” he said icily.

“Hello, Quick,” she replied. “Still bumming off Lucky’s followers, I see.”

“Still obsessing over Lucky’s girlfriends, I see.”

She darkened and rumbled.

“Would you mind changing into something less rainy?” he asked. “You’re ruining the carpet.”

Syph transformed into her human form. She joined everyone in the living room.

“I should never have agreed to it,” said Teri. “If I hadn’t agreed…”

“Shush, hon,” said Janet. “There’ll be plenty of time for blame later. After we get Phil back.”

Syph laughed.

“Who is she?” asked Teri.

“She’s just another stupid goddess,” said Bonnie.

“Wrong,” said Quick.

Everyone looked to him, surprised to see him defending her.

“She’s not just another stupid goddess,” he explained. “She’s exactly the stupid goddess we need.”

Smiling, he slithered beside Syph. “Do you want to know why Lucky and Gorgoz had their falling-out?”

He put a wing around her.

Syph said, “Oh, this can’t still be about that. Who could hold a grudge this long over a silly little thing a few thousand
years ago?”

“Why don’t you tell them all about that silly little thing?”

“I really don’t see how it’s any of their business.”

“Syph…”

“Oh, all right. But it was a very long time ago. I hardly remember it at all. I had so many suitors back then. I can’t be
expected to place significance on all of them.” She lowered her voice, as if admitting something she’d rather not. “Gorgoz
and I used to date.”

“You went out with that guy?” asked Janet.

“I dated chaos and death gods almost exclusively for a few centuries. Hades, Ahzuulrah, Frush’ee’aghov the Lesser, Shalim,
Tezcatlipoca, Nyx.”

Quick raised an eye ridge with the last one.

“Hey, it was the dawn of time,” said Syph. “Everybody was experimenting a little. So I went through a bad-boy phase. Gorgoz
came near the end of it. We only went on a few dates. Nothing special.”

“But…” said Quick, encouraging her to continue.

“But… he didn’t want to end things. The sap wouldn’t take no for an answer. Kept on pestering me. What a loser, right?”

Everyone replied with silence, and Syph continued, oblivious to the irony.

“Eventually, I’d had enough. So I told him that I was in love with someone else and that he would just have to accept that.
Poor guy took it hard, I guess. Who could blame him? I was the most desirable goddess in all of creation. He vowed revenge
on my love, swearing to destroy all of the god’s followers, then the god himself, then all of the universe if that was what
it took to convince me of his devotion.”

She sighed.

“Kind of sweet, actually. In a mad-lord-of-oblivion sort of way.”

Bonnie said, “All of this is because this Gorgoz wants you and you don’t want him. And you want Lucky, but he doesn’t want
you…”

Syph glowered.

“This is all because of a divine love triangle?” asked Teri.

“I’m not sure it’s a true love triangle,” said Janet. “More like a love one-way street.”

“It’s like an episode of a bad teen drama. It might even be funny if my husband, my stupid, noble, self-sacrificing son-of-a-bitch
husband, wasn’t going to die because you all can’t just sit down and talk about this. What’s the point of being immortal if
you waste eternity worrying about stupid shit like this?”

“It’s complicated.”

“No, it’s not,” said Teri. “You have to go talk to Gorgoz, explain things to him so that he’ll stop this ridiculous vendetta
and give me back my husband.”

“Oh, no. I couldn’t do that.”

“I wasn’t asking you. I was telling you.”

“You’re giving me orders?” Syph chuckled. “You’re fortunate I find that so amusing. Otherwise, I’d kill you where you stood.”

“Go ahead,” said Teri. “Smite me.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m inviting you to smite me. They all heard me. So go ahead and smite me.”

“I will not be taunted.” I’m waiting.

“Hold on,” said Bonnie. “Let’s not get crazy. Teri, you’re distraught.” She interposed herself between Syph and Teri. “She’s
upset.”

“You’re damn right I’m upset.”

Teri pushed Bonnie aside and advanced on Syph.

“You better smite me. Because if you don’t, I’m going to chase you to the ends of the Earth. I’ll come after you. I’ll make
deals with any gods I have to and do whatever is necessary to bring you down. If you think your endless life is miserable
now, just give me some time.”

Syph raised her hand. Dark power danced on her fingertips. Teri stood defiant before the goddess, who reached for her.

Quick grabbed Syph’s wrist.

“Time out on the pissing contest, ladies.”

“Stay out of this,” they replied in unison.

“Love to, but I can’t. I think we’re losing sight of the big picture here. Syph, Teri might be asking for a smiting, but she’s
also right that this thing with Lucky and Gorgoz has gone on way too long. And, Teri, railing against the heavens in noble
defiance might satisfy some self-destructive mortal impulse you’re struggling with, but it never ends well.