Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (3 page)

Can a person be
trained
to be a
Dominant?  The answer is complicated, and depends entirely upon what kind
of Dominant you’re referring to, how badly the person in question wants it, and
whether he is capable of fundamental change on a core personality level.

The first factor is:
What kind of Dominant
are you trying to produce through training?  If the answer to that
question is, you’re looking to train a person
who can be taught to act in a
Dominant role,
well then
of course
you can train someone to be a
Dominant.  Anyone with even a modicum of
acting ability
will fit
the bill nicely.  Of course, the issue
then
becomes, to what extent
can you expect that person to
“stay in character”
and will he be capable
of fulfilling those expectations?  One should always remember that a
person who is
taught to play the role of a Dominant
and puts on that
mantle may eventually grow bored with the role at some point and cast it
off.  While it is true that such an eventuality may not be too critical in
a
mutual role play
environment, it can be completely
devastating
in other situations.  When serious relationship commitments are made based
upon the reasonable expectation
that your partner is actually a Dominant
and is
supposed to stay that way
, the end of a role play can signal bad
times ahead.

But what if you’re seeking to produce what we’ve
thus far been referring to as a
true Dominant
through training?  Is
it at all possible?  If it
is
possible, is it something that anyone
should attempt to do?  As usual, the answers can be complicated, but here
they are, in a nutshell:  Yes, it is possible.  It’s very difficult,
but
it is possible
.  Whether it should be attempted depends entirely on
the trainer, the person being trained, his reasons for
wanting
to be
trained, how
badly
he wants it, and whether he is
capable
of such
a fundamental character changes.  Let’s briefly examine each of those
factors in turn.

Anyone who attempts to train another person to be a
true Dominant must first be a true Dominant, himself.  If this is not the
case, his efforts will be doomed from the start.  It would be a lot like a
non-dancer
trying to teach someone to
cha-cha
, or a
negaholic
attempting to teach someone how to be an
optimist
.  Anyone who may
be contemplating an attempt to turn someone else into a Dominant should first
engage in some serious soul searching.  It is not a decision that should
ever be made lightly.  Even when the trainer has all of the right
credentials
,
there is also the not-so-insignificant matter of whether he has the
training
skills
to be up to the task.  I like to think I am a pretty good
driver, but whenever I try to teach someone how to drive, there’s usually a lot
of screaming, choking, and crying involved.  Teaching someone
how to be
,
as opposed to teaching them
what to do,
is even harder.  It is
never
an easy thing. 
Ask any shrink.
 

Anyone who wants to be trained as a Dominant has
some important questions to answer, as well.  The question that should be
at the very top of that list is this one:
Why do you want to be a
Dominant? 
There are many possible responses that can be given to that
question, but there is really only one that makes any sense at all and should
be considered the
only correct answer. 
It is: 
Because I
know that at my core, that is who I am, and I want to learn to express and
conduct myself in harmony with that.

Here are just a
few
of the many
incorrect
answers I’ve been given in response to this question:

·
        
I hear being dominant is a sure way
to get lots of sex.  Is that true?

·
        
I’m kinky, being dominant is
kinky... 
Well, duh!

·
        
I can’t seem to get laid any
other
way, so I’ll try being a Dominant.

·
        
That whole
whips and chains thing
just sounds
so cool.

·
        
I like the idea of being able to tell
people what to do.

·
        
I want sex slaves.
 
There’s
no limit on how many I can have, is there?

·
        
I really hate women. / I think women
are inferior. / Revenge is sweet.

·
        
I really hate men. / I think men are
inferior. / Revenge is sweet.

·
        
My girlfriend / boyfriend / husband /
wife thinks I should be a Dominant.

·
        
I’m bored / I’m crazy / I’m curious /
I’m sick / I’m a moron.

As hard as it may be to believe, those are all
real
reasons
that real people have given me - in complete earnestness - for
wanting to become a Dominant.  If any of them sound applicable to
you
,
my sincere and heartfelt advice to you is,
please
put any thought of
becoming a Dominant completely out of your head.
  Find another
hobby.  Learn to dance, or something.  Your future submissives will
thank you.  Your fellow Dominants will thank you.  Your girlfriend /
boyfriend / husband / wife / significant-other who suggested it to you in the
first place will thank you. 

If the prospective trainer is credible and capable
and the would-be Dominant sincerely wants to be trained for all the right
reasons, the next hurdle is to learn whether the Dominant-in-training is
capable of changing the way he thinks, feels, and conducts himself
accordingly.  This task usually falls into the category of
“far easier
said than done.”
  One way to explore this part of the process is to
ask deep, thought-provoking questions that are designed to take a person beyond
the superficial stereotypes that are generally associated with the D/s
lifestyle in general, and with being a Dominant in particular.

One of those questions is: What does it
really
mean to you
to have a submissive, or slave?
 
The superficial,
stereotypical answer is usually something like:
I get to tell someone what
to do, and she has to obey me. 
But how many people have really given
much thought to anything beyond that point?  I always follow that question
up with a few more, like the following:

·
        
What if you tell your submissive what
to do, and she
doesn’t
obey you?  What
then? 

·
        
Why in the world should your
submissive
want
to obey you? 

·
        
What if your directives turn out to
be wrong, misguided, or even dangerous? 

·
        
What are the limits to your
responsibilities to your submissive, or her responsibilities to you? 

·
        
Are you required to fulfill any, or
all, of
her
needs? 

·
        
Where do you
draw the line
at
meeting her emotional, physical, intellectual, financial, social or educational
needs? 

·
        
Would you be prepared to put her
through school, pay her bills, or care for her if she were incapacitated?

If some of those questions sound an awful lot like
the sort of questions people should be asking before entering into a marriage,
guess what?  It’s no coincidence.  Frankly, a marriage can be a lot
less complicated than a D/s relationship.  A marriage is typically viewed
(at least, in the vanilla world) as an equal partnership between two people. 
But a D/s relationship places a disproportionately heavy burden upon a Dominant
to be a leader, mentor, teacher, provider, guide, inspiration, planner, problem
solver, and so much more. 

It would certainly be simpler for everyone concerned
if the answer to
all
of those questions is: 
We have no real
responsibilities to each other.  We are simply role playing, or enjoying
an online-only relationship.  Much
simpler.  But you should
always be mindful of the fact that the
emotions
that are felt in those
venues are
quite real
to those involved and can often cause people to
blur the lines between role playing and real life.  Before that happens to
you and/or someone you play with, ask yourself some of the questions above,
even - no,
especially
- if you aren’t quite sure what your answers will
be.

Another important question that any would-be
Dominant should ask himself is: 
Would you still want to be a Dominant,
even if it meant that there would be absolutely no sex involved? 
If
you honestly can’t separate being a Dominant from the
sexual
aspects of
the lifestyle, then perhaps your reasons for wanting to be a Dominant are just
a
tad
superficial.  A Dominant shouldn’t be defined by his sexual
activities, and sex should never be the primary motivation for wanting to be a
Dominant, any more than it should be the primary focus of a meaningful
relationship.  It’s entirely possible to be a Dominant, in or outside of a
relationship, without ever expressing that aspect of your personality
sexually.
 
Obviously, for
most
people, that would not be the
ideal
arrangement,
but it
is
possible and it happens more often than you might think.

If you are on the path to becoming a Dominant, ask
yourself this question: 
What kind of Dominant would you be?
  For
those of you who
already
consider yourselves Dominants, ask it like
this:  
What kind of Dominant are you?
  There are
many
different kinds of Dominants in this lifestyle and just as many types of D/s
relationships, which are defined predominantly (is that a pun? I just never
know any more) by the Dominants that
lead
them.  Please spend some
time pondering the following questions.  It’s okay if you don’t have easy
answers to all of them just yet.  They are
supposed
to be
hard.  Ponder them sincerely now, and revisit them occasionally in the
future as you progress along your path.  Refer to the glossary at the end
of this book for definitions of terms with which you may be unfamiliar.

• Are you a
  cruel
  or
  kind
  Dominant? 
  
• Are you a
  sadist?
   
  If so,
  how much
  of a sadist? 
  
• Does it matter to you if your
  partner is a masochist?
  
• Are you monogamous or
  polyamorous? 
  
• If you are polyamorous, are you
  polyfidelous?
  
• Do you hold your partners to a
  different loyalty standard than you set for yourself?
  
• Are there aspects of being a
  Dominant that appeal to you more than others?
  
• How important is protocol to
  you, and what part does it play in your relationships?
  
• Do you
  punish
  your
  submissives?  If so, how? 
  
• How do you handle
  conflict? 
  
• Do you easily become
  angry?  How do you express your anger?
  
• What is the best way for your
  partner(s) to manage a conflict with you?
  
• Do you prefer a submissive who
  is a masochist?  Why or why not?
  
• How
  much
  masochism is
  too
  much
  ?
  
• Do you prefer your D/s
  relationship to be public or private? 
  
• What should or shouldn’t your
  vanilla
  friends
  and family know about your lifestyle?
  
• Do you prefer your partners to
  be subs or slaves?
  
• Do you have lots of rules or
  very few?  Are they
  formal
  or
  informal?
    Are they
  inviolate,
  or
  flexible?
   
  
• Is it important for you to
  connect and socialize with others in the D/s lifestyle?
  

There are many different kinds of Dominants that
you’ll encounter in the D/s lifestyle and, as you may well imagine, it’s rare
that anyone will match an archetypal profile exactly.  As is the case with
any
stereotype, the more you know about an individual, the less they
will seem to match any generalization.  As I mentioned earlier, I also
think it’s important to determine, to the best of your ability, the degree to which
being a Dominant is
hardwired
into the person’s brain, as opposed to
being the product of
role play
behavior.  This is one area where
assumptions
can lead to some
reeeeeally
bad decisions.

What follows, in no particular order, is a list of
what I consider to be the eight general types of Dominants and a ninth category
of
non
-Dominant.

The Sadistic Dom

A Sadistic Dominant is one who enjoys or becomes
sexually aroused from inflicting physical or emotional pain or discomfort upon
his partners.  Whether or not his partner is a masochist
(someone who
enjoys pain)
is usually irrelevant to the pleasure that a Sadistic Dominant
gets from inflicting it.  Within this category of Dominant, there is a
wide spectrum of sadism that can range from the
minimally
sadistic
yet skilled pain-inflictor
on one end, to the abusive or pathologically
dangerous
extreme sadist
at the other end of the scale.  For a
pathological sexual sadist, the mere thought of causing someone permanent or
crippling bodily harm
or even death
may actually be a
turn-on
. 
One should therefore always take great caution, especially when meeting or
playing with a sadistic Dominant for the first time, to attempt to learn
what’s
on his mind
, and to protect yourself in the event that things start down a
path that you did not anticipate.  How badly
can
things go, if and
when they
do
take a turn for the worse?  For the answer to
that
question,
consider the fact that some of the worst serial killers in our nation’s history
have been sadistic Dominants.  Fortunately, there are quite a few simple
steps that you can take to help ensure that your very first encounter with a
sadistic Dominant (or for that matter,
anyone
that you may be meeting
for the first time) is
safe, sane, and consensual. 
Those steps are
discussed at great length in Chapter 8:
Meeting for the First Time.

Clinically
speaking, the general consensus of the medical professionals who happen to be
in the business of psychoanalyzing and categorizing sexual deviancy is that
there are four general classes of
sexual sadists. 
They are:

• The Class I Sexual Sadist is a
  person who has sexually sadistic urges, but
  doesn’t act upon them
  . 
  In a nutshell, he’s
  all about the fantasy.
  
• The Class II Sexual Sadist is
  someone who
  acts
  upon his sexually sadistic impulses, but only does
  so with
  consenting
  partners. 
  As sexual sadists go,
  this
  is good.
   This also describes about half of the people in your
  local BDSM munch group.
  
• The Class III Sexual Sadist is
  someone who acts out his sexually sadistic impulses with
  non-consenting
  individuals
  , but does not want to seriously injure or kill them. 
  Sure, he’s a predator and rapist but, apparently, he’s
  the Care Bear
  kind.
  
• Class IV Sadist:  A person
  who acts out his sexually sadistic urges with
  non-consenting
  individuals and
  does want to seriously injure or kill them
  . 
  So, on the off-chance that you raced through that sentence without
  observing the caution sign, please allow me to refocus your attention upon
  it once more:
  “does want to seriously injure or kill.” 
  It has
  a little more
  oomph
  if you tack the word
  “you”
  on at the end
  of it, but if you
  really
  want the
  full effect,
  try adding,
  “and
  cook you and feed you to the people he hates at a church barbeque.” 
  

Anyone who may be considering a play date or entering
into a relationship with a Sadistic Dominant is
strongly advised
to seek
out one of the
first two
varieties, rather than the
latter
two. 
Consent, in this lifestyle, is
everything
.  There is a little word
with big ramifications for non-consensual sexual activity - in
or
out of
the lifestyle.  In most states, it’s called
rape
.

The Gorean Slave Master

The Gorean Slave Master is a Dominant who follows
the traditions of
Gor,
a fictional planet described and popularized in
the pulp erotic science fiction novels published by John Frederick Lange, Jr.
under the pen-name
John Norman.
  The Gor series of novels,
thirty-two of them in all, gained considerable popularity in the 1970s and 80s
and were loosely based on the works of Edgar Rice Burroughs, specifically his
John
Carter of Mars
novels.  John Norman’s novels created a robust mythical
extraterrestrial cultural framework to fuel the erotic imaginations of millions
of mostly-adolescent males at the time, but it was his nonfiction book,
Imaginative
Sex,
which was published first in 1974 and republished in 1997 with more of
a BDSM focus, that made
Gor
a significant subculture within the D/s
lifestyle.  It is worth noting that John Norman has
never
advocated
for the adoption of the societal customs or sexual practices of the fictional
planet Gor by anyone in
real life
.  Even so, since the Gor
phenomenon seems to have taken on a life of its own that
even its creator
could never have foreseen, it might be helpful to know something about
it.  For a more in-depth discussion of Gor, including its real life
applications, be sure to check out Chapter 7:
The Gorean Way.

A Gorean Slave Master, almost by definition, is a
male Dominant who prefers
slaves
to submissives and subscribes to a
highly stylized, authoritarian, and ritualistic way of life described in the
Gor novels.  In John Norman’s books, males are predominantly
freeborn
,
while some females are born slaves, and others are captured and made
slaves.  Female slaves are trained in the art of pleasuring, and are often
used for sexual purposes with no consideration given to their thoughts on the
matter.  Slaves, who typically wear
silks and bells
similar to what
might be considered traditional middle-eastern
harem
attire, are
expected to learn a variety of sexual submission poses, and to accept being
routinely loaned out or given to others for sexual favors.  Slave girls
are often taught to avoid direct eye contact with males, speak of themselves in
the third person, and to perform serving rituals and dances.  Theoretically,
at least, the customs and protocols of a Gorean relationship are enforced by
the
sword
.   Think:
Conan the Barbarian
meets
I
Dream of Jeanie
.

The Daddy or Mommy Dom

The Daddy Dom or Mommy Domme is typically a Dominant
whose primary mode of expressing himself in the D/s lifestyle is through a
nurturing sort of
paternalism
or
maternalism
.  The
relationship dynamic
may
involve sexual
or
nonsexual
age play
,
erotic or nonsexual spankings, incest role-play, and other forms of role
play.  It is often erroneously assumed, both by people in
and
outside
of the D/s lifestyle, that Daddy or Mommy Doms harbor
pedophilic
thoughts and tendencies.  The truth is, Daddy and Mommy Doms are
statistically no more likely to be pedophiles than any other random sampling of
the general population.  Daddy and Mommy Doms are
not
attracted to
children; they are attracted to
adults
who embrace their inner child and
exhibit childlike
behaviors
, which
may or may
not be sexual in
nature.  Consider this rather self-evident observation:  Daddy and
Mommy Doms prefer
adults
who enjoy and are skilled at expressing
themselves in this dynamic because, frankly,
actual children would be
terrible at it
. 

For the sake of simplicity, we’ll henceforth dispense
with the clunky practice of referring to this category of Dominant as the
Daddy
or Mommy Dom
, and just call it
what it is
for the vast majority of
the folks who comprise this particular D/s subculture – the
Daddy Dom
. 
Just remember that anything we say about the Daddy Dom probably applies equally
to Mommy Dommes, as well.

Most Daddy Doms find fulfillment in the
relationship
dynamic
that exists between the Dominant and his submissive, who is usually
referred to as
baby, babygirl, little one,
or other pet name that
suggests and reinforces the submissive’s child-like status in the relationship
.
 The components of the relationship dynamic that a Daddy Dom seeks –
no,
craves
- from his babygirl usually include the ability to
trust
absolutely
and without reservation, a spirit of wide-eyed innocence and playfulness, an
eagerness for mentoring and guidance, and the kind of gleeful no-holds-barred
adoration and worship that only little girls and puppies seem capable of
demonstrating. 

Lifestyle
Daddy Doms should be willing to take their Daddy responsibilities
beyond the
bedroom
. That can mean helping their babygirls to make the kinds of
decisions that would be difficult for an adult, spending an evening watching
her favorite cartoons, reading stories aloud to her, brushing her hair, or just
holding her when she is frightened or feeling down.  It can also require
loads of patience, which may be needed when doing things like shopping,
explaining things, disciplining, or dealing with little tantrums.  
Any Dominant who might be considering the Daddy Dom lifestyle should seriously
consider
all
of the aspects of being in this kind of relationship, and
not
just the
pervy
ones.

The FemDom Mistress

The FemDom Mistress is something of an anomaly in
the categorization of Dominants, for the simple reason that while practically
all of the other categorizations of Doms are
gender-neutral
, the FemDom
is
always
a dominant
woman
who makes the most of a unique
combination of
force
and sexual
role reversal
.  The FemDom,
who may prefer either male
or
female submissives, is also sometimes
referred to as a
Domme, Domina, Dominatrix, or Mistress
. 
Traditional FemDom BDSM scene activities include pegging
(anal intercourse
utilizing a strap-on dildo)
, face-sitting, forced feminization of male
submissives, CBT
(cock and ball torture)
, forced felching
(orally
sucking semen out of a person’s anus. Yes,
there really
is
a word
for that)
,
tie-and-tease play, forced orgasm, orgasm deferral or denial,
various forms of physical or verbal humiliation, and sexual sadism in
general.  Though it isn’t necessarily a requisite part of a FemDom’s
repertoire
,
there is often a significant element of
misandry
, or hatred of men
,
involved, whether real or role-played. 

A sub-category of FemDom is the
FinDom
, which
is a contraction of
Financial Dominant
.  A FinDom expects her
submissives to support her financially by
paying tribute
to her in the
form of cold hard cash or lavish gifts.  She typically maintains an online
wish list
of items that she hopes someone will purchase for her. 
Submissives who show their devotion to a FinDom by paying this tribute usually
do so without any expectation of receiving anything in return except, perhaps,
scorn and continued exploitation.  It should come as no surprise to anyone
that
some
FinDoms are more authentic than others.  How do you
recognize the phonies?  They’re the ones posting photos taken at their
trailer park. 

The Bear Dom

The
Bear Dom
is typically a burly gay or
bisexual male Dominant who prefers diminutive and youthful gay or bisexual male
submissives.  Some Bear Doms are attracted to
lady-boys
and boyish
females
,
as well.  They are called Bear Doms mostly for their tendency to exhibit
hyper-masculinity and somewhat exaggerated male characteristics such as a
muscular or stocky build and abundant body hair.  Bear Doms are commonly
encountered in the BDSM leather and LGBT subcultures.

The Lesser God Dom

The Lesser God Dom
(sometimes referred to as
Lord, Prophet, Pharoah, or Pharoanic Lord)
is a Dominant who expects and
thrives on the worship of his submissives.  This adoration and worship,
which can sometimes take the form of highly ritualistic activities and
behaviors, has but one purpose, which is the ego gratification of the Lesser
God.  It is relatively common for the real-life households of Lesser God
Doms to forsake all traditional forms of religion in order to practice their
own
home-grown
religion, with the Dominant at its head and submissives
as religious acolytes.  In such cases, the Dominant is usually regarded by
his submissives as a deity, or as a prophet of God.