Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (9 page)

How do you know if you’re a Switch?  It may be
overly simplistic to assume that just because you are neither a Dominant nor a
submissive, that this automatically makes you a Switch.  After all,
millions upon millions of
vanilla folk
are neither Doms nor subs
as
well
, yet that doesn’t make them
Switches
, either.  I believe
that there are a few definitive traits and characteristics that are common to
most Switches.  Let’s examine them.

The first characteristic would necessarily have to
be an involvement in the D/s or BDSM lifestyle.  Without
some degree
of
involvement in the lifestyle, virtually anyone (kinky
or
vanilla) who
doesn’t
consider
himself a Dominant or submissive would have to be
categorized as a
Switch
.  There are at least three good reasons why
this would be neither smart nor effective. 

First, the mere fact that someone doesn’t
consider
himself a Dominant or a submissive doesn’t necessarily mean that he
isn’t
one. 
There are a
lot
of people out there who simply haven’t
yet learned that there are
other people
like them, and that there is a
name
for what they are.  Lumping
those
individuals into the category of
Switch by
default
would
not
be helpful to them in
any
conceivable
way, and could actually
hinder
their journey of self-discovery. 
Second, any categorization that gives
a member of the vanilla community
a BDSM label,
regardless
of the character traits that he or she
exhibits, does a disservice to
both
communities.  Finally, the mere
application of such a label to a group so large that it applies to eighty
percent of the world’s population would have the undesired effect of watering
down its meaning to the point of not really meaning anything
at all.
  

The second characteristic which is common to most
Switches is the
enjoyment
of performing in both Dominant and submissive
roles, depending upon the circumstances, mood or partner.  Please note my
very deliberate use of the word
enjoyment. 
It isn’t enough to
simply be
capable
of performing in either role.  After all,
practically everyone is
capable
of exhibiting both dominant and
submissive
behaviors. 
I personally know several die-hard submissives
who happen to be
quite capable
of functioning very competently in a
dominant role, despite the fact that they
dread
it and it literally
makes them
nauseous
to do so.
 
What we
should
be
asking is: 
Do they seek out such opportunities and do they enjoy it?
 
Do they find
fulfillment
in it?  Is
this
where they go to
find their
happy place? 
If so, they just
may
be Switches.

The third characteristic is tangentially related to
the first, and tends to be more a
matter of degree
than it is a
yes
or no
proposition. 
True
Switches tend to be individuals who
have accumulated a great deal of
experience
both in and outside of the
lifestyle, had
more than just a few
relationship partners, and should be
on the
downhill side
of the self-awareness learning curve.  This
statement may offend some readers and confound others.  In fact, I’d bet
the rent money that there’s probably someone reading this paragraph
right
now
who is thinking, “How
dare
he suggest that just because I’m
relatively
new
to the lifestyle, that I might not be a
true
Switch?”  
Hear me out.  I
dare say it
because telling the truth may be a
dirty job, but
somebody’s
got to do it, and it
might as well be me.
 

Why might we expect a true Switch to be on the
experienced
end of the BDSM lifestyle spectrum?  The obvious reason would be that
most
Switches tailor their
dominance-orientation
to different situations,
circumstances and partners.  It stands to reason, then, that if someone
has had an
extremely limited number
of experiences and partners, it is
likely that he has not had many opportunities to fully explore and plumb the
depths of his
switchiness.
  It’s entirely possible that he has yet
to meet that one individual who can help bring forth his
inner Dominant
or his
inner submissive. 
Perhaps that crucial
pivotal
experience or event
that decides the question for this individual is
still
in his future.
  At best, anyone who has had very little lifestyle
experience to speak of and just a
few
serious D/s relationships might be
more accurately described as a
provisional
Switch.  In other words,
he or she may be a Switch,
subject to change.

As complicated as it can be deciding whether or not
you
are
a Switch, the issue can become even more convoluted when we progress
to the
next
logical question, which is: 
What kind of Switch are
you?
 For our purposes, we will be categorizing them primarily by
whether they are predominantly D/s or BDSM, and by their
dominance-orientation
. 
One should also keep in mind that there is often a significant amount of
overlap between a person’s D/s
mindset
and his or her BDSM
activities
. 
I assign Switches to eight categories.  They are the Provisional Switch,
the Dominant-leaning D/s Switch, the Submissive-leaning D/s Switch, the Balanced
D/s Switch, the Top-leaning BDSM Switch, the Bottom-leaning BDSM Switch, the
Balanced BDSM Switch, and the D/s-BDSM Switch.

As we cover each of the following categories of
Switches, keep in mind that D/s is all about the
relationship dynamic
,
while BDSM is about the
kink activities
.  For many people, there is
a great deal of overlap that occurs between the two but, for others,
there
may not be any at all. 
It’s very much analogous to love and
sex.  For some people, it’s all about
love
.  For others, it’s
all about
sex
.  Ideally,
for most people
, it’s nice to have
both
,
and
preferably
with the same person.  At the risk of beating a dead
horse, we can take this analogy even further:  Being a Switch could, as we
mentioned earlier in this chapter, easily be compared to being a
bisexual.  A man could be madly in
love
with his wife, yet
sexually
attracted
to both men
and
women.  In such a scenario, his
relationship
dynamic
may be purely
heterosexual
, but his
sexual turn-on
is
bisexual.
  The same sort of thing often happens when it comes to
D/s relationships and BDSM turn-ons. 

Provisional Switch

The Provisional Switch, as we explained earlier in
this chapter, is a Switch who is relatively new to the BDSM lifestyle and has
had comparatively few real-life D/s relationships.  His orientation
may
change as he gains experience and becomes involved in more relationships
over time.  This should carry no stigma or negative connotations, as
everyone has to start somewhere, and acknowledging the inevitability of
change
simply makes good sense.  Example:  Miranda has been in the
lifestyle for about a year.  She was introduced to it by a friend, and has
become active in attending the local group’s get-togethers and events, where
she has been eagerly learning all that she can.  Thus far, she has enjoyed
practically everything she has tried, from
both
the Top
and
Bottom
perspectives, and hasn’t really developed a preference yet.  The one thing
she
hasn’t
done yet is
become involved in a serious relationship
with someone in the lifestyle.  She isn’t sure how that will change how
she feels about the kink stuff that she’s learned, and isn’t even sure if she
should be seeking a
dominant or submissive
partner, or even whether it
should be a
guy, a girl or a couple. 
In other words,
stay tuned
for further developments.
   

Dominant-leaning D/s Switch

The Dominant-leaning D/s Switch finds joy and
fulfillment in
both
the Dominant
and
submissive roles in a
relationship dynamic, with a preference to the Dominant role.  Example: 
Kylie has been a submissive all her life and has been collared to Master James,
for three years.  Recently, James and Kylie have taken in two other subs
who have moved into their home.  The new girls were fairly new to the
lifestyle, and since James’ work often took him out of town for days at a time,
he assigned the task of mentoring the girls to Kylie.  She was
apprehensive about the task at first, but quickly grew to love it.  Kylie
was surprised to learn that she was naturally submissive to males, but around
other
females
, a dominant side of her personality emerged.  Over time, this
dynamic became the most treasured part of her poly relationship.

Submissive-leaning D/s Switch

The submissive-leaning D/s Switch finds joy and
fulfillment in
both
the Dominant
and
submissive roles in a
relationship dynamic, with a preference to the submissive role. 
Example:  Jacquelyn is a Switch who is in a committed relationship with
Kenneth, who is
also
a Switch.  Their relationship is often
complicated, and can even get pretty
rocky
at times,
particularly
when the two of them are out of synch, and each vying for dominance in the
relationship.  Luckily, Kenneth is a Top-leaning D/s Switch, and Jacquelyn
is a Bottom-leaning D/s Switch, so when things come to a
draw
between
the two of them, Kenneth usually holds the
trump card.

Balanced D/s Switch

The Balanced D/s Switch is one for whom
both
the Dominant role and the submissive role in a relationship hold
equal
appeal.
  This is relatively rare, as the overwhelming majority of D/s
Switches
do
have a
preference
when it comes to their relationship
dynamics.  Example:  Chuck is a polyfidelous D/s Switch who has two
wives, named Julie and Ginger, who live in separate households.  Julie is
his submissive, and their relationship dynamic never changes.  Ginger is
his Domme, and their relationship dynamic also never changes.  Chuck
claims to love both women equally, and expresses no preference for either his
dominant or submissive role in the relationships.  Interestingly enough,
Chuck and his partners keep it relatively
vanilla
in the bedroom, and
none of them are active in or seek out others in the lifestyle. 

Top-leaning BDSM Switch

The Top-leaning BDSM Switch enjoys
both
topping
and bottoming but
prefers
topping,
regardless
of his other
emotional and relationship dynamic preferences
.
  Example: 
Kirk is a Dominant in his primary relationship, and that never changes. 
However, when he and his submissive Kim attend BDSM play parties, he has been
known to enjoy bottoming to some extent.  His preference, however, is and
always will be topping.  

Bottom-leaning BDSM Switch

The Bottom-leaning BDSM Switch enjoys both topping
and bottoming but prefers bottoming, regardless of his other emotional and
relationship dynamic preferences.  Example:  William considers
himself a monogamous slave to his poly Mistress Victoria, who also has other
slaves.  Occasionally, his Mistress hosts play parties for the entire
clan, and even though William has no significant emotional connection with her other
slaves, he does sometimes engage in BDSM play with them, and often switches
with a preference for bottoming.

Balanced BDSM Switch

The Balanced BDSM Switch is
equally
attracted
to and finds fulfillment in the role of a Top or a Bottom in his kink activities. 
Example:  Sierra is a submissive in her primary relationship with her
Dominant Joseph, and that never changes.  However, at BDSM play parties,
Sierra equally enjoys giving
and
getting spankings, paddlings, floggings
and other forms of impact-play. 

D/s-BDSM Switch

The D/s-BDSM Switch is able to change his
dominance-orientation
in both his relationship dynamic
and
his kink activities, though the
switching may
not
be synchronized by timing, direction or
intensity.  Example:  Bob is a D/s BDSM Switch who is the hinge in a
poly “V” relationship, where he is Dominant to Sue, but submissive to
Diane.  His kink activities with each of his partners stays aligned with
his relationship role, but when he attends his local BDSM group play parties,
he is equally likely to assume the role of a Top
or
a Bottom.

I am fairly certain that, as a result of what I have
written here, I will be deluged with countless letters, messages and emails
asking me to divulge the
“authoritative source”
that has served as the
wellspring for this unique method of categorizing Switches.  To those
folks, I can only point to the nearest bottle of tequila.  As far as I
know, I am the only one crazy enough to have made such an attempt and, frankly,
I’m beginning to think that maybe there was a darn good reason why people
way
smarter than me didn’t try it.

If You Are a Switch

If you are a Switch, or if you are beginning to
suspect that you might be one, my advice to you would be to
embrace who you
are
, and refuse to be pressured into having to
decide
between the
two ends of the dominance-spectrum
, especially
if you are perfectly
comfortable sliding back and forth along its length.  On a completely
unrelated side note, I probably shouldn’t get too comfortable saying
“sliding
back and forth along its length.”
 

For
most
people, their
dominance
orientation
is no more a
choice
than their
sexual orientation.
 
It is simply a matter of
who they are.
  It develops and sometimes
changes as they mature, just like every other aspect of their
personality.  It is hardly the set-in-concrete, black-and-white
proposition that some people seem to think it is. 

Virtually no one would feel justified in demanding
that a
bisexual
pick a
heterosexual or homosexual
preference and
just stick to it
, yet there has never been a shortage of people who think
it’s perfectly acceptable to make similar demands of
Switches.
 

If you happen to
be
one of those people,
perhaps now would be a good time to rethink your approach.