Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (10 page)

I’ve spent much of my life completely
mystified
by Switches, on a
number
of levels.  When I was much younger, I was
simply
baffled
by their seemingly natural ability to
do what they do
. 
For someone like
me
, hard-wired since birth as a Dominant and tempered
by twenty years of military leadership training and experience, it was a
completely
foreign concept.  It might have been easier to convince me that a person
could just grow
different sex organs at will
, than to convince me that
they could
willy-nilly
change their dominance-orientation. 

I’ve also gotten frustrated at times because
some
Switches seemed unable or unwilling to understand that
not everyone can
(or should) do what they do. 
Whenever I read or hear someone repeat
the mantra that it is impossible to be a good Dominant unless you have first
experienced what it is like to be a submissive, my head threatens to undergo
what Douglas Adams likes to call a serious case of
nonlinear, catastrophic
structural exasperation.
  To me, that makes about as much sense as
asserting that you can’t possibly understand what it is like to be
heterosexual,
unless you’ve spent some time as a
homosexual,
or vice versa. 

Want to know what makes a “good Dominant?”  It
is someone who finds
joy and fulfillment
in guiding, teaching, caring
for and protecting
the right person.
 Want to know what makes a
“good submissive?”  It is someone who finds joy and fulfillment in
pleasing, service to, caring for and taking direction from
the right person.
 
A Switch finds joy and fulfillment in
either, or both,
depending on the
circumstances.  It really isn’t any more complicated than
that.
 
Things may not be quite so cut and dry when it comes to
Tops and bottoms,
however. 
If we’re talking about the
physical and psychological effects
of certain
kinds of
BDSM play,
then I think it makes perfect sense that you should
be familiar with
both ends of the equipment. 
I certainly would
never
expect a bottom to allow me to use a TENS unit on her if I have never
experienced for myself the sensations that it is capable of producing.  To
expect
her to consent to such a thing would be arrogant and
irresponsible on my part and that stupidity could only be surpassed by her
acceptance
of such a proposition.

To close out this chapter, I’m going to tell you a
little story that beautifully illustrates just how
utterly confounded
I
have sometimes been, when it comes to Switches. 

I have a very good friend named Annie, whom I’ve
known for many years.  She’s always been an extremely knowledgeable and
competent Domme who always impressed me with her wisdom, compassion, and
ability to guide and teach submissives of both genders.  We would
sometimes get together for a few cold beers and share funny stories about the
trials and tribulations of being Dominants in an insanely vanilla world. 

On one of these occasions, after about four rounds
of drinks, Annie asked me, “Why haven’t you ever considered taking me on as one
of your submissives?”  I practically
spit out my beer
and, for a
moment, was completely and utterly
dumbfounded. 
Anyone who knows
me knows that when
I
am at a loss for words, I’m
seriously
flummoxed. 
I finally stammered,
“Geez, Annie!
  I never
considered it
because you’re a Dominant! 
Are you
serious? 
This is a
joke
, right?”

She frowned and said, “I’m a Switch. 
I
thought you knew that.”

“Be
a good animal, true to your animal instincts.”

-
- D.H. Lawrence

“Who
speaks to the instincts speaks to the deepest in mankind, and finds the
readiest response.”

-
- Amos Bronson Alcott

The textbook definition (if only there
were
textbooks on such matters) of
Primal,
as it pertains to the D/s
lifestyle, might describe it as:  1. a person who trusts and acts upon his
or her
animal instincts
;  2. a role that is neither consistently
dominant
nor
submissive but can be
either
depending upon the
environment, situation and personal dynamic at work;  3. a type of BDSM
play that focuses on the
animalistic
aspects of relationships and sexuality.

Primals
are a relatively
new
phenomenon in the BDSM culture; one that is still
regarded with a great deal of curiosity by those who have long been content to
categorize everyone in the D/s lifestyle as a
Dominant, submissive, or
switch.
 There was just one little problem with that classification
method, however.  It left an awful lot of people standing on the
sidelines, wondering why
they
didn’t seem to fit neatly into
any
of
those three categories. 
Primalism
is often associated with
animal
play
,
pet play
or
furries
, and while it may share key
characteristics with them, it stands apart from them due to its focus on
instincts, perception, disdain for social conventions, and an agonizingly
unpredictable
D/s dynamic
.  This all may seem a bit confusing to you until you
actually
get to know someone
who is a Primal, or suddenly come to the
realization that you happen to be one,
yourself.
  With that in
mind, the best place to start may be by asking yourself the following
questions: 
Am I a Primal?  If I was, how would I know? 

I’ve come up with just the thing to help you learn
the answers to those questions.  It’s an amusing little quiz, which I’ve
narcissistically entitled “Michael Makai’s PRIMAAL Analysis.”  The PRIMAAL
acronym stands for Preliminary Research on Instinctive Mannerisms &
Assessment of Animalistic Loving.  I created the PRIMAAL Analysis for
three reasons.  First, I believe it may be able to help a lot of people
who may be Primals, and have been struggling to find their
niche
in the
D/s culture.  Second, I think it does a pretty good job of illustrating
many of the common mannerisms and characteristics of Primals to those who may
be unclear on the concept.  And third, creating it was
a lot of fun
. 
If you can’t have a little
fun
while writing a book, then
what’s the
point?

So, at the risk of again sounding like a worn-out
Jeff Foxworthy comedy routine, we’re going to explore some of the tell-tale
signs which
may
indicate that you
just might be a Primal.
 To
take the quiz, simply use a
pencil
(so you can erase the marks later) to
darken the circle next to each statement with which you find yourself in
complete
agreement.
  If the statement doesn’t seem to apply to you, or you are
not sure what it means, don’t worry too much about it.  Just move on to
the next statement.

 When you’re done, tally up the number of marks
to get your score, and compare it with the chart that follows the test.

P
reliminary
R
esearch
on
I
nstinctive
M
annerisms and
A
ssessment of
A
nimalistic
L
oving

You
could
be a Primal...

·
        
If a battle for dominance is both
erotic
and
enraging.

·
        
If you've ever actually growled or
snarled at someone, and
meant it.

·
        
If you've ever
sniffed
someone
at your first meeting. 

o
  
Award yourself an extra point if it
was below the waist.

·
        
If you've ever
bitten
someone,
and
weren’t
playing. 

o
  
Award yourself an extra point for
drawing blood.

·
        
If you enjoy petting your partner and
being petted yourself.

·
        
If you believe that
pouncing
on someone is a perfectly acceptable greeting.

·
        
If you know what the phrase “
heightened
senses”
means, because you experience it regularly.

·
        
If you’ve ever circled another
person, evaluating them as prey.

o
  
Award yourself an extra point if they
were
.

·
        
If you get an incredible thrill from
a chase. 

o
  
Award yourself an extra point if it
involves tackles and pins.

·
        
If establishing dominance is always unplanned,
unscripted, and occurs with each new person.

·
        
If you can
imagine
biting and
scratching as being
better than sex
. 

o
  
Award yourself an extra point if it
actually
is.

·
        
If you’ve ever marked something or
someone with your scent as a way of saying,
“Mine!”

·
        
If the first thing you think of when
you hear the word
“pack" isn’t
“
suitcase
.”
 

o
  
Award yourself an extra point if your
pack
takes priority over
family.

·
        
If you rarely buy band-aids, because you
prefer to just
lick
your wounds.

o
  
Award yourself an extra point if you
lick
other people’s
wounds, too.

·
        
If your first response to a challenge
is usually to
pin, and go for the jugular
.

·
        
If you can always tell when your
woman is menstruating by
her scent. 

o
  
Award yourself an extra point if you
can do this with
all
the women you know.

·
        
If you’ve ever
bitten your itches
,
instead of scratching them. 

o
  
Award yourself an extra point if you
ever
drew blood
when you did so.

·
        
If you often prefer to use growls,
yips, purrs, whines, and barking to actual
words.
 

o
  
Award yourself an extra point for
using them in
written format
, as well.

·
        
If you’ve ever heard a coyote howl,
and responded with howling of your own.

·
        
If your fascination with the moon
goes
way beyond
thinking it’s pretty or romantic. 

o
  
Award yourself an extra point if you
actually grow fur or fangs during a full moon.

·
        
If you’ve ever referred to your
children as
cubs, or pups. 

·
        
If you’ve ever watched a werewolf
movie, and rooted for the werewolf. 

o
  
Award yourself an extra point if you
cried when the werewolf got whacked.

·
        
If you’ve ever silenced a barking or
growling dog with just a look.

·
        
If you’ve ever been known to follow a
scent to its source, like a bloodhound.

·
        
If you’re sometimes obsessed with the
thought of
chucking it all
to go live in the woods.

·
        
If you recognize people as much by
their scent, as you do by their appearance.

·
        
If your sex partner has ever had to
dream up excuses for work to explain bite and scratch marks.

·
        
If animals, both wild and domestic,
seem to take an instant and inexplicable
liking
to you.

·
        
If
“puppy pile”
is a good description
of your preferred sleeping arrangement.

·
        
If you’ve ever
licked someone’s
face
when they were expecting a kiss from you. 

o
  
Award yourself an extra point if they
licked you back.

·
        
If you’ve ever caught yourself
thinking,
“the hairier the better”
about
anyone.

·
        
If you’ve come to realize you prefer
sitting on the floor to sitting in chairs. 

o
  
Award yourself an extra point if
you’ve actually
eaten food
off the floor.

·
        
If you’ve ever noticed that while
your friends were sipping their drinks, you were
lapping yours.

·
        
If you actually
like
the
scents that others usually find awful, such as manure or body odor.

·
        
If you’ve actually found yourself
circling a few times before sitting yourself down.

·
        
If you’re still climbing trees past
the age of twelve. 

o
  
Award yourself an extra point if you
have ever actually
slept or had sex
in a tree.

·
        
If you’d rather spend more time with
your friends’ pets than with some of your friends
. 

o
  
Award yourself an extra point if you
actually
do
spend more time with their pets.

·
        
If you’ve ever thought to yourself,
“Why
chase something that doesn’t bleed?”

·
        
If you’ve ever been asked whether
you’re a Dom or a sub, and thought, “
How should I know?
  I haven’t
fought
you yet.”

Add up you score:  _____.  

Compare your score to the chart below. 

Total Possible Points:  55 Points